* * *
I worked my shift and then I joined Beth, Emily and Heather in the restaurant after their meal. They seemed to be having a great time on their girls’ night away. They were so at ease with each other. I had always felt like I didn’t fit in but they made me feel like I had been part of their group forever.
‘I have had far too much wine,’ Beth said with a giggle. ‘I’ll need a taxi back to the hotel, I can’t walk straight.’
‘I’m so annoyed that I have to be the responsible one,’ Emily said, touching her stomach but she smiled. I knew she really didn’t mind one bit.
‘What’s he like?’ Heather asked, nodding towards Pierre, who had come in with me to say hello to his friends and hang out with Ashley. He kept his chef’s hat on, of course. He loved being the centre of attention.
‘He’s a brilliant chef and has an ego to match,’ I replied with a laugh. I wasn’t going to tell them about our fling. I would never be ashamed of my past, of having fun like I had, but it wasn’t something that I still wanted to pursue. I was moving on so there was no point in dwelling on it. ‘I’ve learned things from him, from working here though, and that’s been really useful.’
‘Like how you might run your own restaurant one day?’ Beth asked slyly.
‘Or how you would run the kitchen at Hilltop,’ Heather added, giving me a really exaggerated wink and giggle. How much had they been drinking?
‘I suppose it has got me thinking about what I want to do,’ I admitted, taking a sip of my wine. ‘I have loved working in a kitchen.’ I had also, sometimes, late at night after work when I hadn’t been able to sleep, made some notes about it on my phone. Ideas of recipes, themes, plans – not that I would admit it or show it to anyone yet.
Emily leaned in and lowered her voice. ‘Honestly, I would much rather eat your food, Anna. I mean, this tasted good but it’s so rich and the portions were tiny. I might need a burger when we get out of here.’
Beth nodded vigorously. ‘Too high-brow for my tastes, I’m afraid. We are unrefined, maybe, but there it is.’
‘Well, don’t tell Pierre, but I agree with you,’ I whispered back. I was pleased that they thought the same way about the food as I did. It was top quality, but it wasn’t food that filled you with joy. That’s the kind of food I wanted to make.
‘I’d want people to leave my restaurant happy,’ I declared. Everyone needed a place like that to enjoy. To look forward to eating at. A place where you’d go for birthdays or anniversaries or special occasions.
Beth stared at me. ‘Did you just admit that you want to open your own restaurant one day?’
They all looked at me expectantly. I drained my wine glass dry, enjoying making them wait for my answer. I was maybe high on the night and from the sudden injection of alcohol and the fact they had come to see me, but I didn’t want to hide from it anymore. To pretend that it wasn’t my dream. I nodded. ‘Yes, yes I did!’
‘Yay!’ Emily cried as Beth cheered and Heather clinked her glass against mine. I smiled at their happiness for me. They wanted me to succeed. I’d never experienced that before. It felt good. I wanted to do something for them in return.
I turned to Heather. ‘And I’m coming to your wedding,’ I told her. I didn’t want to think about Cameron’s letter for the evening. I just wanted to have fun with my friends. And they really did feel like my friends. For maybe the first time in my life. And I didn’t want to let them down. They wanted me at the wedding, so much they had come all the way down to London. And I realised as Beth topped us all up with more wine, I wanted to be there too.
‘Okay,’ Beth said, gesturing for us to quieten down. ‘I need to make a toast. Firstly, to excellent company this evening. I love you gorgeous women, and honestly you all inspire me. I’m so excited that Anna has decided to follow her dreams. We will help as much or as little as she wants us to.’ She grinned at me. ‘And I can’t wait to celebrate Heather’s wedding to Rory. There is no one who deserves happiness more, and you two will be together forever. It won’t be an easy day, I know.’ She paused to look at her friend. ‘But we will all be there with you and it will be so special, I promise. I suppose what I’m trying to say is here’s to a wonderful future for all of us!’
Even I felt a lump in my throat as I clinked Beth’s glass with mine. Emily’s eyes were brimming with tears and Heather couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes. I understood what bonded these women and I realised that it wasn’t a weakness to want their support sometimes. They were there for each other whenever they were needed and somehow I knew they would be there for me too if I wanted them to be. I promised myself that I would do the same in return for them.
And then I drained my second glass of wine and the evening grew hazier but I would never forget it, I knew that. Beth, Heather and Emily had given me something that I had never had or thought I wanted or needed. And I didn’t need it – I was just fine on my own, I knew that, but it was okay to want it and to enjoy it. I hadn’t let myself think like that before but now I could.
I smiled. I was excited for the future that night. And that was definitely a feeling that I wanted to keep.
Chapter Forty-Four
I let myself into Chloe and Ashley’s flat just after two a.m. I had gone to Beth, Heather and Emily’s hotel bar for drinks and finally staggered into a taxi as they went to bed after giving me two rounds of hugs. I was feeling more than a little bit tipsy and keen to collapse in bed but when I closed the front door both Chloe and Ashley called out for me to come into the kitchen.
Walking in, I was greeted with them wrapped around each other, an open bottle of champagne, and two glasses in their hands.
‘Anna! We’ve been waiting for you. Guess what?’ Chloe cried out, waving her hand in front of me.
After all the booze I had consumed, it took me a minute to focus on her hand but when the light from the Jo Malone candle lit on the breakfast bar caught it, I could see the sparkling rock that now sat on her finger. ‘Is that…?’ I asked, stepping closer to see better.
Chloe broke into the biggest smile. ‘It is! We’re engaged!’
‘Oh, wow. Congrats guys.’ I went over to hug them both. ‘I’m so happy for you.’
‘Thanks, Anna,’ Chloe said. ‘I just can’t get over how perfect this ring is!’ She looked at her hand again. It was pretty dazzling. ‘And you picked the exact style that I’ve always wanted.’ It was a stunning ring. As if I would expect anything less from this couple though. It was platinum with a massive square diamond and I caught sight of the Tiffany’s box on the side. The thing was, though, I couldn’t begrudge them anything. They liked the flashy lifestyle, sure, but they were sweet and kind and were head over heels in love. It was hard not to feel a pinch of envy. Not that I’d changed my mind about marriage but it would have been nice to have someone to share my life with like they had.
‘I can take hints you know!’ Ashley laughed and they leaned in for a kiss.
‘I’ll leave you two to celebrate,’ I said, backing away. I was pleased but I felt like I was intruding on a moment that was just for them.
‘Ooh yes, I need to post on Instagram,’ Chloe said, grabbing her phone.
Maybe not that private, but then it wouldn’t be Chloe if she didn’t instantly share their news. I left them posing for selfies and headed into my room. I had sobered up somewhat. My wine buzz had definitely gone. I was left with a strange empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went through the motions of getting ready for bed – taking off my make-up and brushing my teeth, pulling my hair into a ponytail, and changing into my pyjamas. I climbed into bed but I knew it would be a long time until sleep found me.
I could hear Chloe talking loudly on the phone. Clearly, she and Ashley were ringing around friends and family despite the late hour, too excited to wait to share their news, which I understood. I thought about their engagement and how a wedding would be on the cards, and the wedding I’d agreed to travel back to Scotland for. All these happy ever afters
around me. It was hard not to be affected by them. I lay there alone and then my eyes found the bedside table. Inside it was Cameron’s letter. Just waiting for me to decide whether to open it or not.
Pulling it out, I sat up in bed with it on my lap. I prided myself on not being scared of anything. I wanted to be fearless. But this scared me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted his letter to say. What I wanted to hear from him right now. Or even if I wanted to hear from him at all.
Then I thought of Chloe and Ashley. They had a connection. It didn’t make much sense on paper. I would never have picked them out to be a couple. I didn’t think anyone would think they went well together, and yet they did. It worked. And I knew that curled up with Cameron in his cabin I had felt that same way about the two of us. Of course, it had then been snatched away from me but, for that one moment, I had felt happier and more contented than I had in years. I longed to feel that way again. Now I’d had it, I didn’t feel quite whole without it.
Even if this letter said that he never wanted to see me again, it would be better to know rather than torturing myself as to what was in it. And if there was even a small chance that our connection had been real, I knew that I couldn’t allow myself not to find out. I had done what I always did and run away. But Glendale wasn’t letting me get off that easily. Beth, Heather and Emily had already proved that. And now I had this letter.
I knew I couldn’t hide away any longer. I had to face whatever was in it, and only then could I decide what I should do next.
I had to rip that plaster off.
Curling up into a ball facing the bedside light, I opened Cameron’s letter.
Anna,
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what happened before you left. You might not want to hear from me. I understand that. Which is why I asked Emily to give this letter to you. Then you can decide whether to read it or not. I really hope you do. But I’ll understand if not.
I have no idea how it must have felt for you to hear me say my ex-girlfriend’s name like that. But I’m jumping to the end. I need to explain it all from the start. Words, as you know, aren’t my strong suit but I hope this will all make sense…
The first time I saw you I almost hit you with my tractor. I was so panicked. You know why now but you didn’t then. You just thought I was overreacting. I didn’t see you clearly that day but I remembered your pink hair, the way you looked in your jogging gear, that eyebrow you raised when you were being sarcastic. Then I saw you again at Glendale Hall. And I was pleased. It was this strange surge inside me. I hadn’t felt it in so long. I had closed myself off. You know that. And you understand why. But suddenly, I didn’t want to do that anymore. Because of you.
Then I saw you about to get into Adam’s car after he’d been drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast. I wanted to – no, I needed to – protect you. And it wasn’t just because of the past. I couldn’t even think about something happening to you.
That scared the hell out of me so I tried to push you away. But we were constantly being drawn together. I know sometimes I was rude. I’m so sorry for that. I was trying to make myself not care by making sure you wouldn’t care about me. But it got harder and harder. You were so alive. So full of fire. You don’t realise how much you shine, I don’t think. So honest, so fearless, so beautiful. You just rocked my world. You turned it upside down.
I kept telling myself I needed to stay away. I honestly felt so much guilt about Kirsty. I thought there was no way I could deserve you in a million years. But every time I saw you, I felt this pull towards you. There was this spark between us. This connection. This force. You were like a magnet.
Somehow, I think you felt it too. When we kissed, it felt so right. But I was haunted by the past. You were so honest with me about how you were too. For the first time, I felt like I could open up to someone. And I wanted to.
Being with you felt like the part of me that had been missing had been returned.
I felt so many different things. I don’t know how to explain it. I was so happy but so scared and so guilty. You made me feel like I could move on. That I should move on. That it was okay to. I don’t know if you’ll ever realise how much you’ve changed my life in such a short space of time.
Then that day in my cabin…
When I had my arms around you and you fell asleep, I knew it. I loved you. I think maybe I had loved you from the first moment I saw you, if I’m being honest. I wanted to tell you but I was nervous. You always seemed like such a free spirit. You made it clear we were casual. That you were moving on at the end of the summer. That you didn’t want to be tied down by anyone. So, I fell asleep and I didn’t tell you how I felt.
God, I regret that.
Every day.
I must have been dreaming about Kirsty. Maybe it was my way of saying goodbye finally. Of letting her go. Of letting my guilt go. Of being happy with you. Of feeling like the future was mine again. That’s why I said her name. I had been thinking about falling in love with you. Not her. I’ll always regret what happened with her. And it was so tragic. I miss what we had. I miss her. I wish she’d had her chance at life, of course I do. But I don’t love her anymore.
I thought I was to blame for what happened to her. But I know now that I wasn’t. You made me see that. I closed myself off the night she died. But you opened my heart again.
I hope you believe that I love you. But I know that might not be what you want to hear. You left and I hope you’re happy. I want you to be happy. But I had to tell you how I feel. In case you might feel the same way. If you do, just know that I’m terrified. But that’s okay. We can be scared together. We don’t need to make any promises. We don’t need to plan anything. We can just love each other for as long as it feels like the right thing for both of us.
And it does feel right to me. You feel right. And if I feel right to you then please come back to me, Anna.
Cameron
Chapter Forty-Five
The sun rose outside my bedroom window but I hadn’t slept a wink. I had pretty much memorised Cameron’s letter, having read it so many times during the night.
I didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, I was relieved that he felt the same way as I did. I hadn’t imagined our connection.
But I was also terrified. I hadn’t even let myself admit that what I felt for him might be love. I’d never been in love before. Cameron had declared himself but what the hell should I do next? If I admitted that I loved him too, that would mean starting a relationship, me going back to Glendale and sticking around, settling, building a life there, with him… and these were all things that I had actively been avoiding since I was eighteen and first left home.
How did people do this?
I could hear activity in the flat so I was thankful I could get up and stop my over-thinking. I padded through to the kitchen in my PJs and found Ashley making coffee. ‘Please tell me that is really strong,’ I said, shuffling over to a stool and climbing up. I knew I must look awful. I felt it.
Ashley gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Couldn’t sleep? Neither could I. Chloe is fast asleep. If I’m nervous or excited, I have no chance of a good night’s rest,’ he said, coming over with two big mugs of black coffee.
‘Same. Or if I do manage to fall asleep, I have nightmares.’ I took a gulp even though it burned my throat. ‘Can I ask you something?’ He gestured for me to go ahead. ‘How did you know you were ready to propose to Chloe?’
‘We went to a wedding. It was a close friend from university so we all met at the same time. I looked at them getting married and I thought “that should be us”. We are just a great team. I can’t imagine going through anything in life without her by my side.’
I felt so envious of his certainty. ‘You do make a great team,’ I agreed. ‘I’ve never really seen myself settling – in a relationship or a place or at a job – but I’ve loved working with you guys this month. I would love to have my own restaurant one day. I just don’t know how to ge
t there.’
‘I would say take it one step at a time so don’t think “oh god I have to own my own restaurant”. Think about the first step to get there.’
‘I’d love to work as a chef. I mean, it’s such a long way to opening my own place. I want to study some more. I saw this…’ I showed him the chef diploma course at the college in Inverness that Brodie had told me about.
Ashley nodded. ‘That looks like a great course for you. Definitely the first step. So just focus on that. That’s it. Don’t think about what’s next. Think about where you’d want to do the course and apply and if you’re accepted, find somewhere to live nearby. And that’s it. Don’t think further than that. Otherwise it will get scary.’
‘Even that feels scary. But exciting too.’ I smiled. Then I pulled out my plane ticket to Ibiza. ‘It would mean not doing what I had planned next though. A course would start around this time. It is a refundable ticket though,’ I mused as I looked at it.
‘Perhaps you weren’t as sure as you thought you were about going there if you paid for a refundable ticket?’ Ashley suggested.
I looked at him. ‘Huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that.’
‘So have you decided not to come with us to our new restaurant? I’m guessing by thinking of doing a course that you have. And you’re heading back to Glendale.’
‘All I’ve agreed to is going back for Heather’s wedding but my brother knows the guy who runs this cookery school. It would make sense to go there. I don’t know though. My brother is always offering to help me but I’m so not good at letting people do that. I’ve always thought I have to be independent, I suppose.’
‘That’s what family is for, though. The silent investor in our pop-up was my dad. I don’t see it as a hand-out, just a leg-up when I needed it the most. And I’ll pay him back. So it was more like an interest-free loan. Think of your brother’s help that way – a way to get started. I think you can do it, if that means anything. You just need to really want it.’
Always and Forever at Glendale Hall Page 25