by Glen Cook
I found Belinda’s bodyguards. They’d gone down where they were posted. They hadn’t bailed on her at all. Two were smoldering and dead. One was just plain dead. Two more were smoldering but alive, unconscious, in desperate need of help.
I discovered several more goombahs in like condition, alive but unconscious. “Morley! Over here! Problems bigger than those fires.” The goombahs were burning like that woman had. “How do we get them out?”
Dotes barked, “Theodore! Take Beans up front. See if you can’t get some help in here.” He bounced over beside me. “This is ugly, Garrett. Really ugly. Smells like sorcery.” Thugs crackled and popped.
“I don’t know. Grab his legs.” We huffed and puffed and dragged a man out to the ice bath. I reminded
Morley about my meeting with Harvester Temisk.
“It had something to do with all this?”
“Maybe. But I don’t know where he’d fit. Cause or effect? Symptom or disease? On three. One. Two. Three.”
Ice water splashed. A kitten protested getting its feet wet. It strutted off indignantly, shaking each paw as it came off the floor.
The cat led us back into the main hall, where it bounded into the pail I’d used to bring the litter aboard. That pail was full of cats already, all with paws on the rim, watching anxiously. I shouted, “Just find somebody who’s breathing and get him out of here!”
Morley told me, “Grab your cats and go, Garrett. I’ll get these guys out. Hell! This one is gone now. Sharps! Give me a hand with this.”
Melondie Kadare appeared, wobbling worse than ever. “Help,” she whimpered. “I’m too ripped …”
“What’re you doing back inside?”
She squeaked. “I need to get my people out.”
“How many are in here? It’s going up.”
“What was I going to tell you? Shit. It’s hard to think straight when you’re fucked-up. Oh. Yeah. You need to get away from here. The Watch are coming. Because of the fighting.”
“What fighting?”
“Outside … it went all to shit. I need to get out of here. But I’m ripped.”
“Hang on to me, then.”
Morley and his guys got out, carrying the last surviving bodyguard to the ice bath. I warned him, “Get going. Relway is coming.”
Where had Relway been? Belinda would’ve arranged a diversion. Something blatantly political. Deal
Relway loves racialists less than gangsters.
Me and my pail roared through the back door. It was every-man-for-himself time. The coaches were gone. The parking area retained nothing but a dusting of large, ugly men who were either unconscious or dead. They had no friends to help them get away.
Morley faded into the night with his men, disappointed because their efforts had been wasted. Both bodyguards had died in the ice bath.
I made like the good shepherd myself, wondering about a batch of baby cats who would get together so their staff could lug them out of danger more easily.
Melondie Kadare started snoring. Brutally. I tucked her into a chest pocket.
17
It didn’t take long to realize that somebody was following me. Somebody either very good or blessed with a little magical assistance. I couldn’t shake him, nor did I manage to ambush him. Melondie Kadare kept on snoring. The kittens didn’t like delays. They got antsy when I tried to lie in wait. Then noisy when I fooled around too long. “You guys getting hungry?”
It was quiet tonight, the weather good despite the season. A big old moon up top silhouetted bats zipping around above the rooftops. There was a nip in the air. Scatters of cottony cloud tumbled across the sky. I didn’t think the bats would find many bugs. Winter wasn’t far away.
Melondie groaned and whimpered. “It’s your own fault, Bug.” In the distance, Whitefield Hall cast a cheery glow. The pixie crawled out of my pocket. She tried her wings. I caught her before she crashed, tried to put her away again. She wasn’t interested. She clung to my shoulder instead. But when I stopped to listen for footsteps she slithered inside my shirt. When you’re small you lose body heat fast.
“Don’t bounce around so much, Biggie. And keep them cats away.”
The streets remained deserted, which was unusual. TunFaire goes round the clock. But I was content. It’s nice when no sense of dark imminence hangs in the air.
“Hey, Bug. We’re almost home. And I’ve got an idea. How about you help me catch this spook that’s dogging us.”
“My head!” She groaned. “What you mean, us, Big’un?”
“All right. You. Because who the hell would be after me for a bucket of cats?”
“Smart-ass, All right. I’m listening. But keep your voice down. What’s the plan?”
The plan was, I plunked my little friend on a ledge, out of sight, then headed on along. I took a right at the next cross street, took another right and then another, and soldiered on until there I was, plucking my shivering sidekick off her ledge.
“Did you have to stop for a beer?”
“Whiner. I would have, if I’d seen a place. It’s past my time to start sipping. So, Bug. What’s the evil word? What wicked dark lord off the Hill is dogging me through the alleys of the night?”
“You’re so full of shit, Garrett. A blivit. Hell, the world’s first hyperblivit. Forty pounds of shit jammed into a ten-pound sack instead of just twenty.”
“But I’m so pretty. All the girls want to love me.”
“If they’re some kind of weird, like sky elves. Or ratgirls. Or troll jiggles so ugly they can’t find themselves a guy who’s rock hard.”
“Unfair.” No troll girl ever chased me. “You’re upset because you’re too teeny to enjoy the special Garrett charm.” I wondered how trolls tell the girls from the boys.
“Sure you’re not imagining things, Garrett? Because that’s not what I hear.”
“Ooh! How sharper than a frog’s tooth. Come on, Mel. Who am I dragging along behind me? Before I need to scope out how to turn my last two hairs into the perfect comb-over.”
“You’re no fun anymore. All right. It was that little girl-boy. Or boy-girl. The one who brought the cats.”
“Penny Dreadful? That kid can bang around behind me, keeping up, and I can’t catch her? That’s hard to believe.”
“I can believe that. You being you, with your appreciation of you. Face it. You don’t have the mojo this time, Big Guy.”
“I’m thinking about showing you some genuine Garrett mojo, Bug. I know some things. I know some people. I could have you bigasized.”
“You couldn’t handle it. You’d have a stroke or a heart attack.”
And so it went. We headed south on Wizard’s Reach, turned west on Macunado. And there we were, home again, home again, ziggity-zig. In time to get behind the door ahead of a band of do-gooder city employees who missed seeing us by half a minute.
They pounded on my door. I used the peephole but didn’t open up. Melondie Kadare snickered and giggled. She was having a good time.
“Why don’t you check on your people? I’ve got cats to feed.”
She couldn’t do that from inside. I’d been clever enough to make sure the pixies couldn’t bring their special culture into my castle.
My bucket leaked cats fast. They bounded off toward the kitchen. I followed.
Singe and her brother were there, each with a beer in paw. The platter between could serve a party of forty. Singe asked, “Where have you been?”
“I had to work tonight. Then I had to walk home because my ride disappeared. Leaving me lugging a bucket of ungrateful meows while listening to the world’s worst bitching pixie complain because she’s too small to be my girlfriend.”
Even John Stretch looked me askance then. Melondie produced a resounding raspberry and started wobbling around in search of something small enough to use as a beer mug.
Singe shook her head, too damned human. “You hungry?”
“Just like a rat. Everything comes down to food. I could use a sandwich. I didn’t g
et a chance to eat at Chodo’s party.”
What a dumb failure. Nobody ought to be so focused on business that he forgets to eat free food. The platter had a dozen fried cakes aboard. Dean delivered four more, still crackling from the hot oil.
“The square ones are sweet. The round ones have sausage inside.”
“Uhm?”
“An experiment. Looking for something different.”
Pigs in a blanket weren’t new at my house. But this wasn’t a biscuit dough production.
Melondie gave up looking for a mug. She went to work on a square cake half as big as she was. The wee folk eat more than we do. Because of all that flying.
I tried a sausage cake. “Good,” I said with my wet mouth full.
Dean scowled, not flattered, as he brought me a cold lager. He put down more food for the cats. I asked, “Singe, you got any thoughts about tonight?”
“Not unless you want to hear your species belittled.”
“Belittle away. If you have any useful observations.”
“Useful, how? John Stretch and I went along and tried to help, but we do not understand what you hoped to accomplish. That may be because you were not clear on that yourself.”
I need new people around me. My old crew knows me too well. “Dean. Any sign of life from His
Nibs?” I could run what I had through the bone bag’s multiple minds.
I’m not as dumb as I let on. Hard to be, some might say. There were at least two different things going on. Maybe three. All getting tangled up because of a common denominator named me.
Dean was not encouraging. “The thing remains inert. Sadly, it’s still too early to dispose of the remains.”
“Way too soon,” Melondie Kadare piped. “There’re a dozen sparks still burning inside that blubber pile.”
“You can tell?” I asked. “You can read that sack of rotting meat?”
“I need a drink. And it better be something more substantial than this off-color lager. Something with a little kick.”
“I’ll give you a kick, Bug. Answer the question.”
“Nope.”
“Nope? Nope, what?”
“Nope, I can’t read him, Biggie. Not the way you want. All I can do is tell he ain’t gone. He might be thinking about going, though.”
“Huh?” I dumped another mug down the hatch. Having started late, I had to hurry to catch up.
Another frosty mug settled in front of me. A dream come true. It was hailing beers. Dean earned himself a suspicious glare. There’s always reason for caution when Dean caters.
He was up to something, hoping that getting me tanked would distract me from something or make me agreeable to something. Again.
John Stretch shipped an admirable quantity of beer in one big gulp. “It was an interesting evening.” Singe told me, “Find out what he found out right now, Garrett. He does not handle alcohol well.”
So I focused on the big rat in the rodent underground and listened to what he had to say. Which didn’t make much sense, since, evidently, regular rats mostly understand their surroundings in terms of sounds and odors. Interesting.
Melondie had little to report. Except that she hadn’t gotten much from her cohorts. Yet. She promised, over and over, to deliver the best from the rest after she sobered up.
Dean filled our mugs. He was smug. Things were going his way. We all were concentrating on getting outside as much beer as possible. The four-legged, furry crew focused on filling feline bellies. Nobody asked him uncomfortable questions.
Full of sausage, bread, and milk, the kittens piled into their bucket and fell asleep in one warm, purring pile.
We talked till we could no longer understand one another. Dean excepted. Killjoy boy hit the sack as soon as he was done cooking.
18
The second morning was nothing like the first. I wakened in a foul temper, head pounding. Dean and I needed to share a word. Cutting costs is all very well, but not by buying cheap brew. Just so he could pocket a few extra coppers that, no doubt, he’d waste on food for cripples and orphans.
I was first downstairs. Except for Dean, of course. But Dean was out shopping. Or something. Because he’d left food on the table, around the suffering remnants of Melondie Kadare.
The John Stretch leftovers would be around the house somewhere, too.
The rain-on-your-parade boys from the city were on the job. They pounded the oak occasionally. It stubbornly refused to open. Eventually, they gave up.
The rules are odd. And Relway sticks to them like a limpet — if he suspects that you might be one of the good guys.
Those associated with the dark side increasingly show an alarming tendency to disappear. Alarming to the bad boys, that is.
People applaud that, saying nobody with a clear conscience needs to worry. Till Relway’s troops show “up because they’ve done something that, in their reasoned opinion, wasn’t really a crime. Never mind what the law says. Let’s review:
-Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
-No good deed goes unpunished.
All applicable where Deal Relway is concerned.
Brother Relway has only the best interest of the people at heart.
I have trouble faulting the man. Sometimes. “He needed killing” is a valid argument before the bench. Director Relway seems able to meet the burden of proof when challenged.
I ate. Biscuits with honey. Biscuits with damson preserves. Leftover sausage from the previous night that the cats hadn’t gotten.
The sweet buns with sausage inside aren’t good cold.
Finished eating, I scooped Melondie and headed up front to hand her over to her own people. Through abiding and ancient habit, I used the peephole.
There were people out there. Big, ugly, hairy people. Only one wore green pants. The rest were incognito. Every man jack came equipped with bandages. One had an arm in a sling. Another had a leg in splints. He and a third were getting around on multiple crutches. None of them seemed to have concluded that bothering me was not a good idea.
Penny Dreadful’s friends. What had become of her? She’d faded like a wisp of steam once Melondie identified her.
The Ugly Pants Gang had to be in an even bleaker mood than I was. Considering the state they’d been in when last seen, I assumed they would be grumpy.
Trust sweet old Garrett to get stricken paranoid. Why would this crew be on my doorstep?
I shrugged. Not a worry. I had a ton of food laid in. I had a backup keg of beer. Dean had a platoon homely nieces he could stay with during a siege. If he was smart enough to spot the watchers and stay away.
Meantime, I could do some speculating. Why was I involved in this? And I could figure out some way to waken the Dead Man.
I went back to the kitchen, made tea, took a mug into my office. Eleanor wore a sneer of disdain. “So you’re in a mood this morning, too.” Which only squeezed more juice out of the lemon.
Somebody pounded on my door. I didn’t go see who. I was comfortable with my brooding and Eleanor’s dreary mood.
I shunted from puzzle to puzzle, free-associating. The medicine I’d added to the tea quieted the worst pounding inside my head. What really happened at Whitefield Hall? “Meow.”
A cat climbed my leg. A second bounced into the client’s chair. Two or three more chased each other around the room, then back into the hall. I scratched and petted the one in my lap, then hoisted him and gave him the full eyeball bath.
He was just a baby cat. Though chunkier than most. Maybe his daddy was a bobcat.
“What’s so special about you, little guy? How come the world’s ugliest fashion retards are out to get you?” But were they? That deserved reflection, too.
He didn’t answer. Flat refused to solve any puzzles for me. The people — and critters — you have to deal with in this racket. Ugh.
“Eleanor. What do you think? Is it all about the cats? Or the bucket they came in?” El
eanor didn’t say. I felt her worrying about me being slow to grasp the obvious.
The drill instructors and senior sergeants figured me out quick in the Corps. They’d already seen every get-around and get-out-of-it scam ever invented a long time before I turned up making like I was dumber than a bushel of rocks. But I can work that on most people here in TunFaire. People in this burg see what they want to see. I strive to remain underestimated. Or so I tell myself.
“This feels good,” I told Eleanor. “I could just lean back with a lapful of cats and nap the afternoon away.” Then I’d go out tonight because I couldn’t sleep. Somebody would tell Tinnie Tate, who thinks she has a claim on me. And does. And vise versa. But I’ve got the worst case of Retarded Commitment Capacity Syndrome west of Morley Dotes. Morley being of international-competitor status.
Eleanor’s disapproval pattered down like an iron rain. I needed to do three things. See Harvester Temisk. Visit the Bledsoe. And catch Penny Dreadful. While dodging Relway thugs and large men in hideous pants.
It sounded like the sappers had brought up a battering ram. The door remained stubborn.
I might be betting to an inside straight, but I couldn’t see Relway not responding if the Ugly Pants Gang stuck around long.
His top men would be out there keeping an eye on my place. “I’m going to try to get Old Bones to bestir himself. Again.” Eleanor’s attitude was suitably discouraging.
“If I have to, I’ll fill his room up with cranky old women.”
The Dead Man doesn’t have much use for the obstinate sex. And he’s never been pleased that my attitude is the opposite.
He’s been dead for four hundred years. He’s forgotten all the good stuff.
Old Bones did exactly what I expected. A whole lot of nothing.
The assault on my front door faded briefly, resumed as a new villain laid on.
My pixies ran out of tolerance. A flurry of anger heralded a whir of little wings. It sounded like a full cluster launch.
I sighed, lit a new bug candle, proceeded to commence to begin out there on my front stoop. Muttering like one of those scramble brains who bustle through the streets on grave, unimaginable missions, debating it all with themselves, I went to the peephole. Outside, chaos celebrated the spontaneous self-creation of the deities of disorder of the thousand pantheons that afflict TunFaire. Pixies, pixies everywhere, pestering biggies without prejudice.