She’d flicked to the last chapter, the one about family. ‘Family before all else’ was the title. The model wife bears children and cares for them diligently. Well, she’d certainly done that. The model wife spends her time taking care of her family and putting them before her own needs. Olive wouldn’t agree that Natalie had followed that golden rule, and if Natalie was being honest, neither did she. And now it was too late. They were grown up, they didn’t need her any longer, not really.
That’s when she’d reached for her phone, eager to look at their faces. She’d scrolled through photos, stopping at any she found of her girls, and once they’d run out she’d re-read the text she’d last sent home. It seemed like only a few days ago but she realised a week had gone by, and she’d selected Milt’s number.
“How are things there?” she asked now, feeling like she was asking an acquaintance rather than her husband.
“Good. Everything’s good,” he said. “We’ve had an inch of rain today.”
She could hear the smile in his voice. He’d been watching the sky for a decent rain for months.
“That’s good.”
“We’ll be out in the paddock seeding as soon as there’s a break. It’s already a bit too wet so might be another day or so.”
“How’re the girls?”
There was a slight hesitation. “They’re good. All still here with me. And Mum. Laura’s cooked a pork roast.”
“Of course, it’s Saturday night. How is Olive?”
Once more there was a pause and then. “She’s fine.”
And there was that word she’d learned was code for anything but fine. Now she found herself wondering what he really meant.
“What about you?” he said. “You must have a suntan by now.”
“I’m f…” She stopped herself, refusing to hide behind that word any more. “I’m well but I haven’t resolved anything yet.”
There was silence. She looked at her screen, the call was still connected. She put the phone back to her ear. “Are you still there?”
“Yes. Listen, Natalie, whatever it is you need to work out, don’t you think it would help if we talked?”
“It’s too hard over the phone.”
“No, here at home.”
Natalie gripped the phone tighter. “Eventually.”
“How long is that going to be?” Milt asked.
“I don’t know.”
“The girls…well, they wish you were home.”
“Has something happened?”
“No, but we miss you…I miss you. I’m worried.”
“I’m perfectly fine, Milt.” She chewed her lip, so cross she’d said that word again despite her best intentions not to. “I’ll call you again in a week.”
“A week!”
“I’m going to a friend’s place for dinner. I have to go. Give my love to the girls and Olive.”
She ended the call. The flock of white cockatoos whirled overhead, screeching at her lie. Well, it wasn’t all a lie. She was going to Rosie’s to eat the fish they’d caught today but not for an hour or so yet. There was no rush. There was never any rush here.
She looked across the grass and shrubs to the trees that edged the sandhills. The sun was low in the sky, turning everything golden with its rays. She loved this part of the afternoon here. Everyone had knocked off for the day, the throbbing of distant helicopters had ceased and there was little to be heard but the odd voice from another camper, a distant vehicle and the chirrup of birds. Everything was settling, waiting for night to fall.
A bird swooped in and perched on the branch of a nearby shrub. It had done that each afternoon since she’d arrived. Gabe had told her it was a bowerbird scouting for objects to decorate its bower. Natalie never had anything that caught the sharp-eyed bird’s interest. It craned its long neck forward, inspecting her with its beady look.
“Sorry, nothing for you,” she said and as if it understood the bird swept away on silent wings. She envied it its resolute purpose in life. Her new start had no direction at all.
Twenty-Seven
Dinner at Rosie’s was a happy affair. The fish had been devoured with much bragging from Charlie and then as they’d settled back, replete from their meal, he’d started telling jokes. It was hard to equate the happy young man, whose face was split in a grin with a mischievous spark in his eyes, to the sullen boy she’d first met on the kayaking expedition almost a week ago. He’d been quiet when they set out on their fishing trip today but as soon as he caught his first fish he’d become animated and the smile had hardly left his face since. Now he was making them laugh.
Natalie had enjoyed their trip to the creek as well. She’d managed to catch one fish but Rosie had declared it not good for eating so they’d had to throw it back. Tonight’s dinner had been courtesy of Rosie and Charlie’s skills, not hers. Natalie’s contribution had been to open her last packet of lettuce leaves and create a tossed salad to go with their pan-fried fish and oven-baked chips.
Out of jokes, Charlie got up from the table and collected their plates. “I’m going to my room now,” he said.
“Thanks for catching me some dinner, Charlie,” Natalie said.
“No problem.” He grinned. “Anytime you need fish you just ask me.”
“Ha!” Rosie laughed. “Suddenly you’re an expert.”
Natalie was surprised to see Charlie bend and give Rosie a swift kiss on the cheek.
“Night, Aunty Rosie,” he said. “Natalie.”
By the look on Rosie’s face as she watched him go, the kiss had taken her by surprise too.
“I didn’t think I was going to have any luck with that one,” she murmured once they heard the clunk of his bedroom door closing. “But there’s something there after all.”
“He’s a bright young lad.”
“Very. He just needs to believe it himself.” Rosie stood up. “Cup of tea?”
“I’d love one.”
“It’s a nice night. Let’s go outside. You go ahead, I’ll bring out the tea.”
Natalie let herself out onto the verandah that ran all the way around Rosie’s house. It was dotted with plants in pots and comfy outside chairs. She sank into one, settled into the soft cushions and closed her eyes, breathing in the sweet scent of frangipani wafting on the cooling breeze. She’d become used to the easy rhythm of life here but her conversation with Milt earlier had unsettled her again. She’d said she wanted another week but what if another week wasn’t enough?
Rosie arrived with the tray of tea things, interrupting her thoughts.
Natalie looked at the plate of biscuits between the mugs of tea. “Mint slice!” She’d seen the high cost of items like chocolate biscuits at the roadhouse when she’d called in there with Gabe. They’d had ice cream that day.
“Gabe bought me up a few packets. He knows what a sweet tooth I am.” Rosie grinned. “I keep them in the back of the crisper. Not many of my lodgers think to look among the vegetables for treats.”
Natalie took one, bit into the cold rich chocolate coating and savoured the tang of the mint. She hadn’t had chocolate since Broome. Here she’d been living a simple existence on fruit and salads, some steamed vegetables along with the meat she’d been eking out.
“Can I get a ride out to the roadhouse?” she asked. “I need more supplies.”
“I’m going to One Arm Point on Monday,” Rosie said. “You could come with me. There’s a supermarket there and they’ve got a bigger selection.”
That settled, they drank their tea and munched their biscuits in silence, both staring out into the black night. From somewhere behind them came the repetitive thud of rap music.
Rosie sighed. “They all like their music, my lost boys. I like music too but rap is one thing I can’t take to. The words are clever but the noise that goes with it…” She put a hand to her head and groaned. “I’m getting too old for this.”
“How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Sixty-eight.”
/>
“I thought you were more my age. I’m ten years younger.”
“The numbers don’t mean much.” The music rose a notch. “Unless there’s rap music, then I feel a hundred.”
Natalie chuckled. “There was always a battle over the radio stations when all my girls were at home.” Like they were currently. She wondered who would be winning that fight now. “The constant changing of the channels used to drive Milt mad.”
“Milt your husband?”
“Yes.”
“You miss them?”
Rosie’s face was in shadow but Natalie could feel the intensity of her look.
“My girls, yes.”
“But not your man?”
“We argued before I left. It was something…something big. I’m not sure how we’re going to overcome it.”
“Stuck between a rock and a hard place?”
“Yes.”
“My Gabe’s a good man.”
“I know.”
“He wasn’t after his break-up with his wife though. Set him back a while.” Rosie leaned forward. “You going to leave your husband, Natalie?”
Natalie’s breath caught in her throat. “No.” She looked away. “I don’t…”
Rosie sat back in her chair. “It’s a big decision. I had another fella once the kids had grown up, but we didn’t stay together. Too different in the end.”
Charlie’s music continued to thud behind them. Natalie stared up at the night sky where a million stars glittered back.
“Do you ever wonder what we’re doing here and why?” she said.
“That’s a pretty big question.”
“Before I came on this holiday I had a bit of a scare. They found a lump in my breast. Thankfully it turned out to be nothing to worry about, an anomaly, they called it. A woman who lives near me wasn’t so lucky.” Natalie couldn’t bring herself to mention Veronica’s name or how she’d found her in Milt’s arms. “It was a shock. You hear people say when they have a near-death experience their life passes before their eyes. Mine wasn’t that serious but it made me question my life. Shouldn’t I have done something more than be a wife and mother and teacher? I decided my AA life would be different.”
Rosie looked at her blankly.
“AA stands for After Anomaly. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were BA.”
There was a pause then they both spoke at once. “Before the anomaly.”
Natalie nodded.
“What would you want to do?” Rosie asked.
Natalie sighed. “That’s just it. I don’t know. I think I’m ready to give up teaching but if I did that what would I do? There’s always plenty to do on the property but we’re heading to retirement. Our daughter will take it on.”
“On her own?”
“Not to start with. I guess Milt will stay on and help but I don’t want us to be like his parents. They never really let go of the place and my father-in-law, Clem, literally dropped dead in his boots. Surely there’s more to life than working till you die.”
“What would you do if you weren’t working?”
“Travel.” The word was out without her even thinking. “I’ve wanted to travel for years, I don’t care where. Milt and I have hardly been anywhere. We took the girls for a beach holiday each summer and we’ve been interstate for a couple of trips, mostly for business or for family events. Whenever I’ve raised the topic of taking a proper holiday Milt’s always said one day we will. Then I found myself saying it when other people told us about their travels and then I realised…” She turned back to Rosie who was still watching her. “One day meant never.”
“Holidays are good but you still have to go home.”
Rosie’s words dropped like rocks. Natalie shifted in her chair. She wasn’t ready to do that.
“What else would you do?”
Natalie looked at all the pots around her on the verandah and recognised a yearning she’d long neglected. “Create a proper garden. We have a basic one, a few shrubs and a bit of lawn, a couple of flowers. I plant a few veggies in the summer and I have a patch of gerberas that I manage to keep alive and one rose that was my father-in-law’s. Milt calls them my weeds.”
“He’s not a gardener?”
“No. His parents weren’t either so I guess he never had the chance.”
“I love my garden.”
They both sipped their tea, gazing at the oasis that surrounded Rosie’s home.
“Is there something else,” Rosie asked. “Something that you want more of in your life?”
“A slower existence that doesn’t involve juggling my work between everyone else’s, maybe do up the house or even buy somewhere near the sea and get Milt to retire. I want the chance to hold grandchildren but…before that I want more time with my girls. That sounds crazy ’cause they’re all home at the moment and here I am on the other side of the country.” Natalie pictured their faces and felt the stab of the guilt that had plagued her since she’d returned to teaching. The Model Wife had been partly responsible for that, with its stern command to give up work beyond the home for the sake of her family. Olive had added her disapproval, asking Natalie how she would manage, and Natalie had worked especially hard so that her mother-in-law could never suggest she wasn’t coping. “I’ve always worked. Either teaching or jobs that were needed for the property. I was lucky my mother-in-law lived with us so she often looked after the girls when I had late meetings.”
That was true, she would have needed after-hours care if it hadn’t been for Olive, who’d also done a few extras such as bringing in washing or doing some pre-preparation of meals, but she always made sure Natalie was aware of how much she did, adding to the weight of Natalie’s guilt.
“I wanted to work but I couldn’t stop the self-reproach I felt at leaving them, palming them off to their grandmother to look after while their mother did other things.”
“I know that feeling.”
“It’s with me now, even though they’re grown up. And now I feel as if I’ve let them down all over again.”
“Why?”
“When I left, Kate, my eldest, was bothered about something. She doesn’t open up easily but I could see she wanted to and I didn’t let her. Bree, who’s in the middle and wants to take over the farm, feels restricted by Milt’s way of doing things. They’re so alike but they rub each other up the wrong way and now she’s saying she wants to leave. And then my youngest, Laura, I don’t know what’s up with her. She’s thrown in the hairdressing job she’s had for six years to come home and…well, I’m not sure what.”
“I’m the same with my sons. They’re all settled now but they’ve had their moments. I think it’s a mother’s lot to worry about our kids, feel we should have been there more, done things differently. I’ve reconciled with the fact that we can’t go back. We just have to learn to carry the guilt as best we can.” Rosie cradled her mug in her hands, staring into it. When she spoke again her voice was distant. “When my husband and daughter died in that crash I blamed myself for the death of my little girl.”
“You weren’t there, were you?”
“No, but I’m the reason they were on the road. I’d been offered some temporary work at one of the resorts in Broome. It was daytime work for a couple of months. The boys were all at school but my husband was working too and we had no-one to look after our little angel. He was driving her up here to stay with my mum when they had the accident.”
“Oh, Rosie.” Natalie reached out and laid a hand on her friend’s arm. “I’m so sorry.”
Rosie kept staring into her mug. “I was a mess for a long time. Eventually my mum came and got me and the boys, and brought us up here. Driving past the place where my man and my angel died nearly killed me as well. Once I got here I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t face travelling along that road again. This place became both my escape and my prison.”
“So you’ve never gone south?” Natalie couldn’t imagine this self-contained woman never leaving the peni
nsula.
“Oh yes.” Rosie chuckled. “Once my boys went to Perth for high school I missed them too much. I had to overcome my fear of that road. I moved to Perth, lived there for a few years, that’s where I met my other fella, but I still wasn’t in a good place. Once the boys finished school I came back here. I was like you. Searching for some kind of purpose but I didn’t know what.
“I got a job up the road at Cape Leveque. I enjoyed that and then my sister-in-law rang me desperate for help with Gabe. He came up here and somehow between me and my mum and his uncles and cousins we helped him find the strengths inside him. Living in this place helps. It’s beautiful here but it’s also isolated and quiet. Plenty of time and space to work out who you are. I’ve made peace with my demons and I’m happy. Working with my lost boys has helped me as well as them.”
They lapsed into silence with only the thud of the music punctuating the night.
Rosie raised her eyebrows. “I don’t always have success.”
“He seems to be coming around.”
“Maybe. He’s got a long way to go. It just depends whether he can stick it. I can keep them busy, improve their life skills, but it’s the isolation that wears them down. If they learn how to deal with that it makes them stronger.”
“There’s certainly a difference in Charlie since I first met him. You’re amazing to take them on. It can’t be easy.”
“I think the same way about teachers. What a terrific job you do. I only take on one boy at a time. You have a whole class full.”
Natalie stared off into the night. “I’ve always loved teaching. Helping children to find their potential…”
“But?”
Natalie looked back at Rosie, took a breath. “It’s so much admin now. I spend less time with the children and when I’m with them I’m teaching them to standards I don’t believe in. I’ve lost faith in the system.” She stopped, took another deep breath. She’d never said that out loud before. “Once I would have fought to change it but now…I think I’m too jaded. There’s no fun in it any more. I met some retired teachers while I was in Broome. They said I’d know when the time was right to retire. Perhaps my time has come.”
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