by Parker, Ali
My emotions needed to be in check when I went out there and broke the news to Paxton that his mother wasn’t coming for him. Again.
Fuck.
How could I be so foolish as to believe that this time would be any different? I should have protected him. I should have held my ground and told her no. Or I could have agreed but not said anything to Paxton about it. That way, he wouldn’t have to go through this crippling disappointment.
Every time his mother bailed, he lost faith in her, and he questioned himself. He questioned if she loved him. He questioned if he was loveable at all. I couldn’t bear it.
This was the last and final time.
Gwen and I would have to arrange something because I was through with this shit. If she wanted to come see Paxton, I wasn’t going to say a word to him about it. That was the only way I could think to protect him from her.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes closed. I had to do this now. I couldn’t let Paxton continue to stare out the window waiting for her for another second.
I pushed away from the chair and left the kitchen, but I only made it to the doorway of the living room before I had to stop again.
Paxton was still at the window, but he wasn’t eagerly looking for his mother. He was facing Emelia, who was down on the floor with him, smiling and giggling and making him laugh, too.
This was a scene I’d dreamed of seeing for weeks, and now that I had it, it only hurt.
At least she was making Paxton smile. At least his mind was somewhere else, other than on his mother for a brief moment.
I sighed and stepped into the living room, cursing this situation and Gwen and all of it.
What child should need protecting from his own mother?
Mine, apparently.
Chapter 36
Emelia
“You ate all your candy already?” I asked incredulously.
Paxton let out a shy little giggle and nodded as his cheeks turned hot pink. “Yep.”
“Holy smokes.” I poked him in the belly. “How did you get it all in there?”
Paxton wiggled his shoulders and continued giggling as he held his tummy. “It fit.”
I laughed. “Did you get a tummy ache?”
“Nope.”
“Wow. You must have a stomach of steel. If I ate that much candy, I wouldn’t be able to leave the couch for days.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “Really. Maybe when I was a little girl, I would have been able to eat that much. Did you share with your dad?”
“Of course,” Paxton said.
“Good boy.” I grinned.
Then I looked up at Jace, who had just come through the doorway into the living room.
He looked like he’d just lost thirty hours of sleep. His expression was tight, his jaw clenched, his gaze hard. We met eyes for a brief second, but he looked away.
“Pax?” Jace called for his son.
Paxton turned to his father. His ear-to-ear smile vanished as soon as he saw Jace’s face.
I sat there on the living room carpet wondering what the hell I was missing. The two of them seemed to be in the know without speaking a word to each other, and I was the third wheel who was slow on the uptake.
“Pax,” Jace said again with a weary sigh.
Paxton’s bottom lip trembled.
Confused, I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, but Jace came and sat down on Paxton’s other side. He held out his arms for his son.
Paxton shook his head.
Jace let his arms fall. “I’m sorry, Pax. She wanted to come. But an emergency came up.”
Oh no.
Paxton whimpered and rubbed at his eyes as the first tears started to fall. My heart shattered into a hundred pieces as I watched Jace’s little boy receive the news that his mother had yet again let him down and would not be coming to see him.
Jace looked even more devastated than his son, minus the tears. He raked his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. He let his forehead rest against his palm with his elbow on his knee. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and promise him that things would get better, but part of me thought if I tried something so bold, he’d kick me out the front door and tell me to never come back.
Paxton sobbed.
“Oh, honey,” I breathed as the hundred pieces my heart was already in multiplied into a thousand.
Paxton turned toward me, dropped his head, and collapsed into my shoulder as he started crying in earnest. Surprised, I hesitated a second before wrapping him up in a big, tight hug. I rubbed his back and pressed my cheek to his. “It’s all right, sweetheart. Cry it out. It’s all right.”
Jace still hadn’t moved. The only movement was the flickering muscle of his tense jaw. He was furious. I could feel it in the air around him.
I stretched out one leg and nudged him in the knee with my socked foot. “Hey.”
His eyes flickered open and settled on me. Their dark green was a storm of rage.
I licked my lips and tipped my head toward the kitchen. “Take a minute if you need to.”
Jace’s mouth worked, but no words came out. Then he nodded once, pushed himself to his feet, and walked out, leaving me alone with Paxton, who was still sobbing into my shoulder.
I held the little boy tighter and tried my very best not to let my own sadness for him overwhelm me. I needed to keep it together and be strong for him right now. He couldn’t see my tears.
“Don’t worry,” I cooed. “Cry as much as you need to. Let it out. It will help. There you go.”
Paxton’s little fingers curled tightly in the fabric of my sweater. “I don’t—I don’t—” He tried to speak, but his words were cut off by more sobs and desperate gasps for air.
“Hush. It’s okay. You can tell me after. It’s okay.”
Paxton cried for a good five minutes. My sweater was soaked through with his tears when he pulled away and rubbed at his eyes, and I wiped his tears from his cheek and offered him the warmest, most loving smile I could manage. Then I ran my fingers gently through his hair. “I’m sorry, Paxton. I wish I could make it all better.”
“I don’t understand.”
I sighed. “I don’t think it’s something we can understand, kiddo. Sometimes, there aren’t answers. Sometimes, it hurts, and we just have to wait for it to stop hurting.”
Paxton looked me right in the eyes. He had his father’s eyes. Green and flaked with hazel and gold. Lined in dark, dramatic lashes. His were presently heavy with tears. “Why doesn’t she love me?”
Oh my God.
This was worst-case scenario. My brain stammered in my head as I tried to think of a good answer for him, one that wouldn’t overstep or put Jace in a bad spot, and one that wouldn’t paint Gwen in a bad light. Despite how shitty of a person I thought she was for doing this, it wasn’t fair to put that burden on Paxton. He deserved to love and respect his mother. When he was old enough to make his own judgement of her, he could. But for now, I had to protect her image in his mind.
I shifted to cross my legs and pursed my lips. Paxton stared at me and waited patiently for an answer.
Here goes nothing.
“Paxton. There is one very important thing I need to tell you. Okay? It’s a fact. Do you know what a fact is?”
“I think so.”
“Can you tell me?”
Paxton chewed the inside of his cheek. “Something true?”
I nodded. “Yes. Something true. And proven. A fact is that you have green eyes. I’m wearing a gray sweater. We’re sitting on the floor. Those are all facts. Do you see what I’m saying?”
“Yes.” Paxton nodded.
“Okay,” I said, reaching out and lightly holding him by his upper arms. “You need to know that it is a fact that your mother loves you very much. Her not coming today has nothing to do with her not loving you. You are very special to her. Do you believe me?”
Paxton’s bottom lip trembled again. “Then why does she never come?”
“Sometimes, people make bad choices. That’s also a fact. Sometimes, people make promises they can’t keep. Sometimes, things happen that are unexpected that stop people from following through. Your mom wanted to see you today very badly. But she made a promise she couldn’t keep, and she feels very bad that you two didn’t get to spend your time together.”
“I miss her.”
“I know, sweetheart. I know. And I’m sure she misses you too. Very much. You’re such a good little boy. You’re so clever, and funny, and kind. Your mother knows how lucky she is to have you for a son. And so does your dad.”
“Dad never lies.”
I smiled. “No, he doesn’t.”
Paxton let out a shaky sigh. “Emelia?”
“Yes?”
“Do you love my dad?”
I blinked. “P—pardon?”
“Do you love my dad?” Paxton asked innocently.
“Erm.”
Abort. Abort. Abort!
Paxton wiped more tears away. “I like when you’re here.”
I pulled him in for another hug. “I like when I’m here too.”
He hugged me tighter.
The moment would have been perfect if his little soul wasn’t being crushed.
I thought about Gwen as I comforted her son and wondered what kind of woman she was. At some point or another, she’d been worthy of Jace’s love, which made me think she couldn’t nearly be the villain I’d painted her to be in my mind’s eye. There had to be some redeeming qualities buried deep inside her.
Nobody was pure evil or pure good, anyway.
There had been a time when she dazzled Jace and when he believed she was his forever partner. And she’d thought the same of him. Or not. Then they’d created this perfect tiny human with such a big heart, and somehow, Gwen had just up and walked away from all that.
I knew some women went through really difficult times after they had a child. Some women weren’t cut out for this motherhood thing. And that was okay. But leaving was not. She had a responsibility to her child who could not be punished for her lack of desire to be a mother.
It wasn’t right.
If Paxton didn’t have Jace, I could only imagine how much worse this would be. He was lucky to have a father who loved him enough for two parents. Jace was a father who would fiercely protect his child no matter the cost, and I had a sense this was the final straw for Jace. I could practically taste his anger in the air.
As Paxton nuzzled closer into my shoulder, I thought of how Paxton had lost his mother and how I’d cost Linden his father. My throat ached.
Linden deserved a dad who would fight for him like Jace would.
He deserved the world.
And if Jace couldn’t forgive me, that was fine. I could come to terms with that. But hopefully, with some luck, he’d come around, and he’d want to be a part of Linden’s life. I had to hope. Because there was nothing I wanted more than Jace in Linden’s life.
Nothing.
Chapter 37
Jace
I wasn’t entirely sure how much time I spent in the kitchen, collecting my bearings. All I knew was the rage that had been building up inside me was ebbing away slowly now, and I was getting a hold of myself.
At least enough to go back out and help my son.
After a few steady breaths and some mental coaching into a calmer state, I went back to the living room.
I didn’t expect to see what I saw.
Emelia was talking to Paxton. He was listening intently to her, his sobbing had stopped, and her words were delicate and soft.
She asked him if he knew what a fact was. When he said yes, she clarified, pointing out some facts to him, like the color of her sweater. When she knew he fully grasped the concept, she said: “You need to know that it is a fact that your mother loves you very much. Her not coming today has nothing to do with her not loving you. You are very special to her. Do you believe me?”
Her words turned on a light inside me that banished the darkness that had settled in after Gwen’s call. Then she told him his mother loved him and how special of a boy he was, and Paxton sniffled, mumbled a couple of things, and then asked a question that stopped Emelia in her tracks.
“Do you love my dad?”
I ducked behind the wall as she stammered to answer.
“I like when you’re here,” Paxton whispered.
“I like when I’m here too,” Emelia said.
There was silence after that. I waited a few beats before coming around the corner and leaning against the doorway, crossing my arms over my chest. Emelia was hugging Paxton. He had his arms wrapped around her shoulders, and she rubbed his back.
Then she spotted me and offered me a small smile.
I smiled back.
This was a glorious sight.
Whenever Paxton was abandoned by his mother, I had a hard time keeping my own emotions in check long enough to get him through the worst of his sadness. But Emelia handled the whole thing like a pro. She faced it head on with kindness and patience, things that were damn near impossible for me to grasp when I was so furious with Gwen.
But Paxton needed it. He was already riding his grief wave down and back into normalcy. There were no more sobs. No great heaves for breath. He was quiet and still and probably nearing on exhausted.
I mouthed the words, “Thank you” to Emelia.
She nodded, closed her eyes, and pressed her cheek against Paxton’s before gently prying him away. She pointed her chin at me, and Paxton turned.
“How you doing, kiddo?” I asked.
Paxton nodded with dry eyes. “I’m okay.”
“He’s a tough guy,” Emelia said, pride glimmering in her eyes. “Aren’t you?”
Paxton nodded. His eyes were puffy and swollen, his nose and cheeks pink. He was exhausted. I could see it in the slump of his shoulders and the way he dragged his feet across the carpet to come to me and lift his hands up.
I picked him up and held him in one arm, rubbing his back with the other. He put his cheek on my shoulder and closed his eyes.
“Emelia, I’m going to put him to bed. Can you wait for me?”
She nodded hopefully. “Take your time. Bye, Paxton.”
“Bye,” he said weakly, his voice half muffled by my shoulder.
I carried my son to his bedroom. He curled up on his side as soon as I put him down on the bed. “Don’t go to sleep yet, kiddo. Let’s put your pajamas on first.”
He sat up, rubbing at his eyes and yawning, and I fished his rocket-printed pajama set out of the top drawer of his dresser. I helped him get changed to speed the process along, then pulled back his blankets and tucked him in. I stroked his forehead as he nestled deep into his pillow.
“You just call if you need me, okay?”
Paxton nodded.
“I’m sorry today didn’t go how it was supposed to,” I whispered. “I know you were really excited. And I was excited for you.”
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “But next time mom calls, can you tell her I’m sad?”
“I’ll tell her whatever you want, buddy. Maybe I can put her on the phone with you?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk to her.”
Ouch.
“That’s all right.” I patted his thigh. “You don’t have to. Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow is a brand-new day.”
“I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, Pax.”
I kissed his forehead before slipping out the room and closing his door behind me. I pressed my shoulder blades against it and let out a tired sigh. I was just as exhausted by this whole ordeal as Paxton was. The upheaval of emotions was draining, especially when I was left kicking myself, knowing I should have seen this coming. There were steps I could have taken. Well, maybe taken. Steps that would have spared Paxton some hurt.
I trudged back to the living room to find Emelia standing by the window. She had her arms crossed, and her weight rested on her right foot. She
didn’t hear me come in, so I stole the moment to myself to watch her.
She was a beautiful woman. Always had been. But every day that passed with her, I saw more and more of the beauty within her. She was a kind soul with a big heart and eyes that saw wonder in everything in the world.
Was I really going to let a decision she made six years ago ruin the best thing that ever happened to me? And potentially the best thing that ever happened to Paxton?
I didn’t know what was more selfish, staying with her because I couldn’t bear the thought of living without her, or letting her go and costing Paxton a relationship with a positive female role model.
I grimaced.
Emelia turned from the window. “Oh. I didn’t see you there. How is he?”
I came into the room and dropped heavily onto the sofa. It wrapped me up in comfort I desperately needed. “He’s tired.”
She bit her bottom lip and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. “And you?”
“What about me?”
“How are you doing?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know if I have an answer to that.”
She gave me a weak smile. “Can I sit?”
“Of course.”
She came and sat down on the other end of the sofa. I wished she’d sat closer.
Emelia ran her hands down her thighs and continued to gnaw on her bottom lip. “I wasn’t sure if I should come over or not. I actually had the driver pull over two times and considered turning back around.” She shook her head. “But I had to see you. It’s been eating away at me.”
“I’m glad you came.”
“You are?”
I nodded. “For Pax.”
“Oh.”
“And for me.”
“Oh?” She lifted her head. “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
“No. I mean it. I think this was the clarity I was looking for.”
Her lips twisted in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Seeing you with Paxton just now. It’s what I’ve always wanted for him. Someone to comfort him and someone he trusts just as much as he trusts me. But it’s also something I’ve always wanted for myself.” I turned in my seat to face her directly. Her eyes were glued to my every move. “Em, I’ve been thinking a lot. About us. About what I want. About what’s best for the kids.”