“Yes, sir,” Donker said. “I’d be happier with more training, though. It feels as though we’ve picked up the dregs of the service.”
“We probably have,” Thomas agreed. The Admiralty hadn’t assigned front-line warships to the squadron for the very simple reason it didn’t have them to spare. He’d checked, during the flight from Nelson Base. There just weren’t enough ships to go around. “We’ll make do with what we have.”
He scowled, again. He’d been busying himself fiddling with tiny details to keep from thinking about what they were going to do when they reached their destination. There was no way to avoid it, no way to get out of the mess. He’d gone through the files time and time again, trying to find … something. He wasn’t sure what he’d been looking for, but … he hadn’t found it. They were going to kill hundreds of thousands of people. And there was no way to avoid it.
I could protest, he thought, sourly. He was a war hero. His word carried weight. But not enough to stop the mission. And they’d be more than happy to accept my resignation and give the mission to someone else.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Colin hadn’t had much time to mull over the sergeant’s words during the frantic preparations for departure. Sergeant Bowman had been as good as his word, ensuring that Colin had a chance to see just how much staff work went into even a relatively small military deployment. Colin had never thought his superior officers were lazy - the Royal Marines worked hard to ensure that officers had combat experience - but he’d never really seen them at work either. He was so busy that it was almost a relief to be reassigned to normal duties, when the squadron finally left orbit and jumped through the tramline. They had to be ready to hit the dirt when they reached their target.
And yet, he found his thoughts returning to Richard Tobias Gurnard time and time again. It was the same person. He no longer doubted it. Richard might go by Tobias now, but … it was the same person. Colin found himself unsure what to do. He wanted to fix the situation, if only to keep from leaving an enemy at his back, yet he had no idea how to proceed. He’d tried to write an email, but he’d never been much of a writer. Everything he’d managed to write had looked insincere, at best. It was funny, he reflected sourly, how he’d been taught how to write reports, but not how to put his feelings on the page.
I should probably have paid more attention at school, he thought, although he’d known better than to write anything that might wind up being used against him. The school psychologist had been about as helpful as … as a very unhelpful thing indeed. Tell the stupid bitch the wrong thing, the older lads had said, and you’d be in a borstal before you had a chance to explain it was a joke. What am I supposed to say?
He keyed his datapad and brought up the shipboard surveillance systems. It was easy to track someone, as long as they wore their wristcom or carried their personal datapad. Tobias - Colin told himself, sharply, to keep thinking of Richard as Tobias - spent much of his free time with another pilot. He didn’t seem to have much free time, little more than Colin himself. Colin supposed that shouldn’t be a surprise. The gunboat pilots needed to train too. He frowned as he studied the records. He couldn’t enter Pilot Country, not without a valid excuse. But Tobias didn’t seem inclined to leave either.
I can’t meet him alone, and yet I have to meet him alone, Colin thought. A vague idea shot through his head. The pilots hadn’t been volunteered - this time - to serve as pretend hostages, but … he could send an order for Tobias to report to an unused compartment. It would be odd, yet … would he think to question it? Colin had no idea, but he couldn’t think of anything better. He wanted to lay the issue to rest before it was too late. If I send the order …
He hesitated. He could get in real trouble if Tobias reported him. Hell, he could get in real trouble if Tobias didn’t report him. The datanet might note the unusual order and query it. Sergeant Bowman would be unamused … no, it would be something a little higher up the chain of command. Colin hesitated - he was risking more than NJP - and then sent the order through the network. He owed it to himself to take some risks.
Standing, he checked his datapad - again - and then headed down to the disused compartment. Tobias hadn’t shown any interest in exploring the ship, according to the records, which didn’t really surprise him. Tobias knew he was there, somewhere outside Pilot Country. Colin felt guilt tearing at him … he wondered, not for the first time, if Tobias would even listen to him. He opened the hatch and stepped into the compartment, silently relieved he’d gotten there first. Tobias wouldn’t feel trapped. He could get back through the hatch in a moment, if he wished …
Colin braced himself as he heard footsteps coming towards him. Tobias. It had to be Tobias. And yet … for a moment, he honestly thought he’d made a terrible mistake. It was hard to reconcile the person in front of him with the vague memories from school. Tobias had grown up a little, just like Colin. Military life and discipline had been good for him. And yet … the fear in his eyes, the fear and the shock, was very real. Tobias was too scared even to run.
“We need to talk,” Colin said. He unholstered his pistol and held it out, butt first. It would earn him a bollocking if the sergeant saw him, but it was the only way he could think to prove his sincerity. “That’s a loaded gun.”
He wondered, suddenly, if Tobias even knew how to use a gun. He’d never been in the CCF or the shooting club or … or anything. His family probably didn’t own a gun. The navy should have given him basic lessons, but he might not have kept up with them. Colin certainly hadn’t seen Tobias at the shooting range. Giving a gun to someone who didn’t know how to use it, even if that someone didn’t want him dead, was probably a mistake. The idea of being shot by accident …
Colin calmed himself as Tobias took the gun and held it, gingerly. He owed it to himself, he reminded himself, to take some risks. And it was the only way …
“You gave me a loaded gun,” Tobias said. “Is it really loaded?”
“Yes,” Colin said, flatly.
Tobias stared at him. “Why …?”
“I was terrible to you at school,” Colin said, evenly. The hell of it was that he hadn’t even remembered, until he’d had his memory jogged. “And I want to apologise.”
Tobias’s hand shook. “You want to apologise? You?”
“Yes.” Colin took a breath. “I never … I … I was having a rough time and …”
“Tell me something,” Tobias said. It was almost a snarl. “What can you say, what excuse could you possibly give, that could make up for everything you did to me?”
His voice rose. “I had no friends, because of you. I couldn’t walk home from school safely, because of you. I barely dared leave my house, because of you. I … I had to lie to my mother about the bumps and bruises, because of you. Because of you!”
Colin nodded. “Yes.”
“Yes?” Tobias’s finger curled around the trigger. “Is that all you have to say?”
“No,” Colin said. Sweat prickled down his back. The gun could go off at any moment. “I was wrong. I … I treated you terribly. And you’re right. There was no excuse.”
“No,” Tobias said. “What do you want from me?”
“I … I don’t want anything from you,” Colin said. “I just want to apologise.”
***
Tobias wondered, morbidly, what would happen if he kept tightening his grip on the trigger. Was the gun loaded? Was it even a real gun? Tobias didn’t know. He’d had a few lessons in handling firearms, and that was that. No one had been particularly interested in teaching gunboat pilots to shoot. If they were forced to fight onboard ship, as opposed to off it, they were screwed already. He wouldn’t put it past Colin to give him a fake. He’d already been lured to the compartment under false pretences.
His fingers felt as if they were made of ice. If he pulled the trigger and it was a real gun, Colin would be dead. If it wasn’t a real gun, Colin would know Tobias had tried to kill him. Literally kill him. Tobias wanted to
test the weapon, yet he didn’t quite dare. His thoughts ran in circles. Colin wanted to apologise? How the hell could he apologise? For everything he’d done … it would take years to list everything he’d done, then apologise. Tobias didn’t have years. He was pretty sure Colin had practically forgotten him. God knew he certainly hadn’t said his name when they’d first seen each other clearly.
“You want to apologise,” he said. The words felt heavy in his mouth. He’d never dared talk back to Colin before, even when the bastard had mocked him, his family and his dead father. Saying something would just make it worse. “You really want to apologise.”
“Yes,” Colin said, patiently. The conversation was going in circles, but he didn’t seem to mind. “I do. I want to make it up for you.”
Tobias fought down the urge to giggle. It was never safe to laugh at people like Colin. They beat you up for laughing at them … or even if they thought you were laughing at them. A wave of pure hate shot through him, staggering in its intensity. He had left his home and planet and yet Colin had followed him. Marigold had insisted that Colin could hardly have followed him, not for real, but Tobias didn’t believe her. Colin … was he ever going to be rid of Colin? His finger tightened on the trigger. Perhaps he could try to shoot the bastard. If it failed, he could run before the arsehole caught him.
He found his voice, somehow. “The only thing you could do to make it up for me is to die,” he said. “And, if you wanted to do that properly, you’d have to do it before I ever met you.”
His heart clenched. Colin had always been part of his life. Tobias couldn’t remember a time before Colin. They’d known each other in nursery, let alone primary and secondary school. He couldn’t remember Colin from their shared childhood, but he’d been there. Tobias was sure of it. There was no getting away from him.
“I understand,” Colin said. “I … just listen …”
He leaned forward. Tobias took a step back, holding the gun as through it were a protective talisman. He’d always dreamed of having Colin at gunpoint, of forcing him to humiliate himself as Tobias himself had been humiliated, but … he’d never dared try. There was no easy way to get hold of a weapon, not for him. And now … he wanted to pull the trigger and he didn’t want to pull the trigger and it was a terrible, fucking mess …
“I was a bastard,” Colin said, evenly. “And … and I recently had my nose rubbed in just how bad a bastard I was. I can’t make it up to you, but I can apologise and …”
“And what?” Tobias took another step back. “Do you think there’s anything you can say to me to convince me? What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” Colin said. His face twisted. “Forgiveness, perhaps.”
Tobias couldn’t help himself. He laughed. “Are you fucking crazy?”
He realised what he’d said, a second too late. But Colin didn’t move.
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Colin said. “I didn’t know. But we’re on the same ship, on the same side …”
“Really?” Tobias tightened his grip on the gun. His palm felt uncomfortably sweaty. “What a shame you didn’t realise that sixteen years ago.”
“Yes,” Colin said, bluntly. “Barry is dead. Peter is dead. Blair is dead. Patrick … seems to have wasted his life.”
Tobias blinked. Colin’s cronies had never been as bad as their leader, but they’d been pretty damn bad. “They’re dead?”
“Bought it along the security zone,” Colin said. “I looked it up, when I went back home. They’re dead and gone …”
“I’m sure they left a pair of illegitimate brats behind,” Tobias snarled. “What do you want, Colin?”
“To put the past behind me,” Colin said. “To let it go.”
Tobias let out a long breath. He wanted to pull the trigger. And yet, it would ruin everything. If it was a real gun, he’d be arrested for murder. No one would believe Colin deserved to die. If it was a fake gun, Colin would know …
“You can’t,” he snapped. “I can’t.”
His thoughts went wild. Was Colin planning to court Marigold? To take her from him? God knew he’d had plenty of success convincing other girls, supposedly intelligent girls, to open their legs for him. Marigold was clever, but … Tobias didn’t want to think about it. Or was he in some kind of trouble? Tobias found it hard to believe that Colin could be in any trouble. He was violent, sadistic, mindless and everything else the army found attractive. Everything he’d done at school would probably earn him a pat on the back and a licence to kill.
That isn’t true, he told himself. He hadn’t known many military officers, except the Beast, and he had his doubts about him. The military’s not like that.
“You want to put it behind you?” It was hard to think straight. “You want to let it go? Very well. Leave me alone. Leave me and my friends alone. Stick to your life and stay away from mine. And … don’t lure me here again.”
Colin nodded. “If that is what you want.”
Tobias scowled. “What happened to you?”
***
Colin hesitated, unsure how to answer the question. He’d tried to imagine how the conversation might go, but it was clear that his imagination had been way off the mark. Tobias had no reason to like him, no reason to make it easy for him … Colin’s thoughts churned, a mixture of outraged entitlement mingling with a grim understanding that he had no right to demand anything from Tobias. They’d done too much to each other … no, Colin had done too much to Tobias. They couldn’t hope to be friends.
“I grew up,” Colin said, finally.
Tobias looked sullen and angry and desperate and … fearful. “And you think I haven’t?”
“I don’t know,” Colin said. He fought down a surge of exasperation. “If you want me to stay away from you, I’ll do my level best to do just that. If you” - he shook his head - “I understand. You don’t want to know me and I don’t blame you. And if you want me to do something to make it up to you …”
“Jump out an airlock,” Tobias said, flatly.
“Within reason,” Colin said. He held up his hands. “Let me know if - when - you want something. I’ll do it for you. Until then … I’ll stay away from you.”
He indicated the hatch. “Put the gun down when you leave, then go,” he said. “I won’t follow.”
Tobias stared at him for a long moment, then shrugged. “I hate you,” he said. “That won’t change.”
He backed out of the compartment, put the gun on the deck and hurried down the corridor. Colin stepped forward, picked up the gun gingerly and checked it. If Tobias had pulled the trigger, Colin would be injured or dead. Even firing the gun randomly within the compartment might have killed one or both of them. The bulkheads were solid metal. He returned the gun to the holster, then stepped out of the compartment. Sergeant Bowman stood in the corridor.
“Sergeant!” Colin hastily straightened to attention. “I … how long have you been there?”
“Long enough,” Bowman said. “Quite an interesting conversation, don’t you think?”
“Yes.” Colin kicked himself, mentally. How long had the sergeant been there? How much had he heard? Tobias hadn’t seen Bowman, but that was meaningless. Bowman was good at sneaking around. He shouldn’t have been able to hear anything … Colin knew he couldn’t ask. “I had to talk to him.”
“Quite,” Sergeant Bowman said. “And I suggest” - his tone made it clear it was an order - “that you leave him alone from this moment on. He’ll get in touch if he wants to.”
“Yes, Sergeant,” Colin said.
“And you can come help me too,” Sergeant Bowman added. “Think of it as a reward and a punishment.”
Colin nodded. “Yes, Sergeant.”
***
Tobias’s heart didn’t stop pounding until he was back in the gunboat, staring at blank displays. Colin had … it was impossible to believe Colin was sincere. He was the same person who haunted Tobias’s nightmares, the same monster who’d beaten him and mocke
d him and … Tobias wished, suddenly, he’d thought to keep the gun. He could have taken it to the shooting range and tested it, just to find out if it was real. If Colin had given him a real gun …
He swallowed, hard. Tobias had no illusions about his lack of physical strength. Colin could take a punch in the groin from him, without any ill effects. And yet, he wasn’t invulnerable. A bullet through the head would stop him. Hell, a bullet through the chest or heart might prove fatal even if he was rushed straight into surgery. Tobias had heard something about bullets being designed to inflict massive damage, just to stop the zombies in their tracks. Colin could have died, if Tobias had pulled the trigger.
And yet, he would have had the last laugh, Tobias thought. The realisation tasted like ashes in his mouth. I would have gone to jail if I didn’t go out the airlock.
His thoughts ran in circles. What did Colin want? Forgiveness? Really? The thought was laughable. Tobias couldn’t forgive the bastard, even if he wanted to. Was it part of a plot? Or … or what? What did Colin want? Marigold? One of the other female pilots? Or was he overthinking it? Colin didn’t need Tobias’s forgiveness to chase women …
It doesn’t matter, Tobias told himself. Marigold was an adult. She could take care of herself. He didn’t own her. And he’d already told her about Colin. As long as he stays away from me … that’s all that matters.
His wristcom bleeped. It was time to go back to work.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Thomas paced his command deck, feeling uneasy.
The squadron was, to all intents and purposes, alone in the universe. They’d left friendly space a week ago. There was no hope of rescue, if they ran into something they couldn’t outrun or outfight. Indeed, the official mission orders suggested that Brasilia’s distance from the main shipping lines worked in their favour. The squadron might manage to get in, launch the operation and get out again, leaving the virus with a disturbing mystery. Thomas didn’t take that for granted. The virus was a sentient virus. It had to have considered the possibility of running into other such entities, just as humans had imagined humanoid aliens. And …
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