I leaned against the counter, narrowing my eyes at him. “And what kind of things would you put in a rulebook?”
“Oh no,” he chuckled. “I’m not falling for that one.”
He pulled out five plates and started dishing out food on each one.
“You obviously have an opinion on it. I want to know what it is.”
“No,” he said, waving his spatula at me. “I know where this is going. I’ll say what I like about it, and then you’ll rip me to shreds, dissecting everything I say and manipulating it until I don’t even know what I originally meant.”
“Does that sound like something I would do?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.
“I plead the fifth.” He walked over to the stairs and shouted upstairs. “Dinner!”
He came back over, grabbing the plates as I grabbed the silverware and the glasses. I filled the kids’ glasses with milk and then sat down as they all sat and chattered around the table. But I couldn’t let this go. Did he think we needed a rulebook? And if so, what would his rules be?
I set down my fork and dove in. “So, I’m really curious as to what your rules would be.”
“I already told you that I’m not doing this.”
“Doing what?” Piper asked.
“Daddy thinks we need a rulebook for our marriage.”
“Like I have in school?”
“Exactly,” I nodded.
“No, not like that,” Ryan chuckled. “For instance, if Mommy didn’t rinse her dish, I wouldn’t waterboard her until she agreed to do it.”
“I wouldn’t get waterboarded over something like that in school,” Piper said.
“See?” I tilted my head to the side, smirking at him.
“It would have to be something much worse, like discharging my gun when people were around.”
Ryan looked from her to me and shook his head. “I’m so glad that our daughter is learning the normal way to deal with these scenarios. Then again, most kids don’t go through military training at the age of eight.”
“Look on the bright side, when boys start coming around, you won’t have to shoot them.”
“Thank god for that,” he muttered.
I pointed my fork at her after taking a bite. “She’ll do it for you.”
I grinned when he slowly looked up at me, shaking his head.
“Alright,” he said, placing his elbows on the table. “You want to know what kind of rules I would have in our marriage contract?”
“Please, enlighten me.”
“Well, for one, there would be no talk about killing people at the dinner table.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Piper asked.
“I’m with Dad,” Ryder sighed. “Can’t we just talk about normal stuff?”
Ryan grinned at me, clasping his hands together in satisfaction. “What kind of stuff do you want to talk about?”
Ryder shrugged. “You know, like Dad’s business. I like going to work with him.”
“See?” Ryan pointed to himself. “Good influence.”
“And I like hanging out with Logan. He was telling me about head the other day.”
Ryan spit out his water, choking as Piper got up and slapped him on the back. “He did what?”
“Yeah, he said something about how someday I would get head and it would be the best thing ever. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t wait to be old enough to get it!”
“Yeah, great influence,” I grinned mockingly. “If I had something to put in the contract, it would be that your friends aren’t allowed to discuss certain topics with our kids.”
“Oh, so sex is bad, but killing people is perfectly fine?”
“It is when you’re talking about self-defense.”
“Waterboarding is not self-defense!” Ryan shouted.
“That’s only done when they do something really bad,” I sighed heavily.
“Fine, I want to add to the marriage contract that when we get home at night, nobody talks about anything that happened during their day.”
“So, you want us to all be quiet?” Piper asked.
“Exactly! No talk about anything. Everyone just sits down and reads a book.”
“Or a magazine?” Piper asked.
“Sure.”
“Guns and Ammo?”
Ryan turned his glare on me.
“Hey, I didn’t make her read it.”
“No, you just left it out for her to read.”
“Well, if we’re only allowed to read books, then we’ll also have to do away with the Harry Potter marathons when James comes home.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Fine, he’s getting too old for those anyway.”
“I’ll say. He’s twenty-five.”
“And nobody goes to bed until the kitchen is clean and the entire house has been picked up,” he shot back.
I snorted. “Yeah, we wouldn’t want the clean-freak in you to have a conniption.”
“Having a clean house is not a bad thing.”
“No, but standing over me as I do the dishes and pointing out how I should be doing them is likely to make me stab you one day.”
“I’ve seen her do it,” Piper grinned. “She’s good at it.”
“I don’t stand over you and watch you do the dishes,” Ryan shot back.
“Yes, you do. Every single night. Why do you think I’ve been staying later at work?”
“I didn’t realize it was so terrible to live with me. I try to make this a nice place to live. I’m sorry that’s so hard for you to handle.”
“You know what’s hard to handle?” I asked. “You putting that stupid hair catcher in the drain. Did you ever think that I like clogging up the drain so I can pull that disgusting clump of hair out?”
His eyes widened comically and he looked like he would throw up. “That’s disgusting.”
“Exactly. Maybe I’ll take my disgusting habits and sleep on the couch tonight.”
“That won’t be necessary,” he said, standing and shoving back his chair. “I’m the man. I’ll take the couch.”
I snorted. “I think we both know who wears the pants in this relationship.”
Ryan stormed off and I sat there with Piper and Ryder while Paige played with the food on her plate, completely ignoring us all.
“You and Dad have weird fights,” Piper said, finishing her food.
I sighed and tossed my napkin down on the table. This was definitely one for the books.
Chapter Four
Cap
“So, what did you come up with?” I asked Ice’s team as they sat around the table.
“You were serious about doing this?” Chris asked. “Come on, this shit is ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous or not, one of your teammates needs your help and we’re going to provide it. Now, Knight has already given us his portion and I’m working on mine as we speak-“
Lola came storming into the room and slammed a piece of paper down in front of me.
“What’s this?”
“It’s my list for the manual.”
I glanced down at it and frowned. “But there’s only one thing written on it.”
“Exactly,” she said, storming out of the room.
“What does it say?” Ice asked curiously.
I cleared my throat. “Don’t discuss the relationship manual with your spouse.”
Ice, Chris, and Jules all exchanged looks, and then Chris nodded. “That seems like solid advice.”
“Alright, so from your experience, what are some things you would give as advice.”
“Don’t watch Lifetime movies,” Jules said instantly. I glared at him, but he shook his head at me. “You don’t know what it’s like.”
“Neither do you,” Ice shot back.
“Do too.”
“You’re telling me that you actually remember that happening? Because you’ve been telling all of us that you don’t actually remember all the shit from your past. Or is the amnesia storyline just a bunch of bullsh
it for you to whip out whenever necessary.”
“Fine,” he huffed. “I don’t actually remember the incident in question, but I remember the anger. I’m telling you, you don’t get pissed over something like that unless it really sucks.”
I cleared my throat and added to Lola’s note Stay away from Lifetime movies.
“Okay, aside from Lifetime movies, what other words of wisdom would you share with your fellow man?”
“Well, there’s the accidental fucking,” Ice said, clearing his throat.
“Christ, not this again,” Chris muttered. “It’s not a thing. You could have stopped it at any time.”
“You know what? Fuck you. You weren’t there. It’s a real thing. And not just anyone can get away with it. You can’t just fall asleep next to any woman and accidentally fuck her. There has to be built up passion. Hate. A desire to watch her burn in hell. It’s like hate sex, except, you get to make the excuse that it was never meant to happen, because it was ALL AN ACCIDENT!”
“And there’s a distinction between hate sex and accidental fucking?” I asked. “I mean, I need to be clear on this for the record. I can’t pass down bad intel to our sons.”
“Oh, there’s a distinction alright, and if you don’t know that, you have no business accidentally fucking.”
I rolled my eyes at his irritation and sighed. “Alright, lay it out for me.”
Ice nodded and leaned forward, like this was some kind of business transaction or very important meeting. “Hate sex is two people that hate each other, but still choose to have sex, and still hate each other afterward. It’s filled with passion and need, driven by a desire to release the lust from your body. The expectation is that you will fuck the hate out of each other or fuck until you no longer feel the lust. But that doesn’t work very often, and usually the couple ends up together. Accidental fucking is something entirely different. It really is completely an accident. I swear to God. Your dick wasn’t supposed to go into her, but it was right there, and the moisture was pulling you in. You were powerless to stop it-“
“Alright,” I winced. “We get the point. I don’t need a visual.”
“Usually, when she realizes what’s about to happen and her body feels that same pull, you just sort of slide together and start fucking. This CAN NOT be faked. It either happens or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, you’re hate fucking. Along with the accidental fucking is the acknowledgement afterwards by both parties that it was an accident and should never have happened.”
“Great,” I muttered. “So glad to have that all cleared up.”
“Oh,” Ice pointed to the paper. “Add not to do this if you’re already in a relationship with said woman.”
“Really?” Chris deadpanned. “You don’t think someone would be smart enough to know that already?”
“Hey, it happened with Lindsey right after the whole shot to the heart thing. Hand to God, it wasn’t supposed to happen. I was as weak as a kitten. There’s no way it should have happened, but it did. And then…yeah, I totally said it was an accidental fucking.”
“You said that?” Jules asked. “Dude, that’s harsh.”
“What? The doctor was there, and she was pissed at me for fucking that soon after surgery. But the way you get around all that is to be severely injured.”
I looked up from what I was doing, my face pinching in confusion. “What?”
“Yeah, she can’t kill you if you’re severely injured.”
“Alright,” I sighed, tapping the pen against the paper. “I think that thoroughly covers accidental fucking.”
“No, wait. I have rules.”
“You have rules for accidental fucking?” Jules asked.
“Hey, this is supposed to be a manual, right? You wouldn’t want the owner’s manual for a car to exclude the maintenance schedule.”
“I’m pretty sure a man could figure that out,” Jules muttered.
Ice glared at him. “Just you wait. One of these days, you’re gonna accidentally fuck someone, and you’ll be glad that you know the rules.”
“I’m married,” he reminded him.
“Oh, for the love of God,” I shouted. “Can we just get this over with?”
“I have just four rules.”
“Thank fuck. I can’t wait to end this,” I muttered.
“Rule one, you have to make the transition smooth. There’s no whipping out your dick and being like, whoops, my dick is out and we should have sex now. You need to make sure that the scene is set ahead of time and that she’s totally willing, but unaware that it’s about to happen.”
“Then it’s not an accident,” Chris pointed out. “If you’re setting the scene for an accidental fucking, it’s no longer an accident.”
Ice glared at him and held out two fingers. “Rule two, hate is a must. Unfortunately, if you hate the woman, there aren’t many chances for an accidental fucking. You have to set the scene so that there is no possible way that this won’t occur. For instance, if you accidentally burn down her place of business and offer her a place to live,” he said under his breath. “Now, I’m not suggesting you actually do that, but it’s one way to ensure that she needs a place to stay. It also helps if you only have one bedroom in your house.”
“Yeah?” I asked. “And what happens if she doesn’t accidentally fuck you, but you’ve offered her a place to stay?”
“Then you have an annoying bedmate.”
“So…scratch that idea?”
“Maybe,” Ice nodded. “I mean, it worked for me, but the chances that any other guy could get it to work are-“
“Infinitesimal,” Chris added.
“Anyway,” Ice continued. “Accidental fucking can only occur if you’re already naked. Your dick doesn’t accidentally slip out of your boxers in the middle of the night and into her vagina.”
“So, how did you manage it?” I asked.
“Well,” he shrugged sheepishly. “I was already being an asshole to her. I refused to sleep with clothes on, and she just happened to sleep in just a shirt.”
“Again,” Jules interrupted. “Not a situation the average male would find himself in.”
“Rule four, sleeping in the same bed is vital. I can’t imagine any other scenario in which this would work. Accidental fucking will most likely occur in the morning, so make sure you wake up before her. You’re the more likely party to engage in accidental fucking. If she wakes up before you, she may try to remove herself from the situation before anything can happen. Then you’ve lost your shot altogether.”
“And again,” Chris sighed, “If you’re setting the scene, it’s not accidental fucking. Face it, man. You didn’t accidentally fuck her. There is no such thing. You fucked her because you wanted to, and you’ve used it as an excuse ever since.”
“I have not!” Ice shot back. “It was all an accident. Our whole fucking relationship was one series of accidents. If I hadn’t accidentally gotten her business burned down, she wouldn’t have stayed with me. I wouldn’t have accidentally fucked her. I wouldn’t have accidentally gotten her pregnant and-“
“What?” Lindsey shrieked from the doorway. I hadn’t seen her there, but…well, this was going to be good. “Our whole relationship was an accident? Is that like how you accidentally kissed another woman? Or how you were accidentally an asshole that left me without food for days?”
I winced, but wisely did not get involved.
“Princess-“
“Don’t you dare Princess me! I can’t believe you’re still pulling that shit. Well, now you can figure out how to accidentally get a divorce.”
She turned and stomped out of the room. Ice glared at me. “Thanks for the heads up, man.”
I shrugged. “I accidentally didn’t see her.”
He got up and ran out the door after her, calling her name. I looked at Chris and Jules. “So, maybe this one should go in the garbage?”
“I think that would be wise,” Chris nodded.
Chapter Five
&nb
sp; Hunter
“So, as I was saying,” Derek continued, “I would like to title my chapter Twenty Different Superheroes and Scenarios To Keep Your Woman Happy.”
I groaned, shaking my head. “No. No other man in his right mind would do that shit. You’re the only one crazy enough to dress up as a superhero to get your girl to fuck you.”
He leaned forward on the table and glared at me. “You’re missing the point of all this. I don’t do it so she’ll fuck me. I do it because it keeps things interesting, and she enjoys it. It seems to me that you’re missing out on some very key information here.”
“Do I really need to be here for this?” Knight asked.
“I agree,” Alec sighed. “This doesn’t have anything to do with me. And trust me, I’ve fucked up a lot with Florrie. I could write the whole damn book myself. All this superhero crap is a waste of time. It’s not going to be useful to anyone that wants a real relationship. Now, if you want advice on how to not fuck up your relationship, I’m your man.”
“Yeah,” Knight snorted. “Because everyone wants to take advice from the man that cheated on his woman.”
“Better me than the man that pretended to kill himself and put his woman through a year of hell,” Alec shot back.
“Can I just point out that while all of you are over there living your dramatic lives that constantly put you on the brink of death, my woman is happy and healthy at home,” Derek said. “In fact, I would say that she’s waiting for me right at this very moment, waiting to live out her next fantasy.”
“Unlike you,” I said, “I don’t need fantasies with Lucy.”
“Look, being a superhero for your woman is a very unique way of getting a woman to not only stay creative in the bedroom, but also to introduce some adventure into her life. How many times have you been out on a date and the inevitable comes up?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The opera,” he said slowly. “You know what I’m talking about. If it’s not the opera, it’s a musical. What man wants to sit through that shit? There are literally dudes jumping around in tights on stage and singing about love and all that crap. Is that really what you want to deal with? Because let me tell you, you can’t fuck your woman in the theater.”
The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance Page 3