She glanced behind me and rolled her eyes. “This isn’t going to turn into a party,” she said as Rocco and Sinner walked up behind me.
“Why aren’t you at the hospital?” I asked Sinner.
“Cara kicked me out of the hospital room. She said she didn’t want to see me or something.” He shrugged. “Who knew fucking your wife would be such a terrible thing?”
“She was in labor,” I said slowly.
“Look,” Rocco said, shoving past me and Maggie. “We’ve got news to share, so let’s get on it. Attention everyone!”
The women slowly came out of their hiding places, looking at us like they hated us. Rocco, however, didn’t seem to notice.
“Ladies, we finally have reason to celebrate.” Sinner puffed up beside me, basking in the fact that he had reproduced once again. “The relationship manual is now finished!”
Everyone was silent, and Sinner and I both looked at him in confusion. “That was your news?” I muttered.
He nodded and turned back to everyone. “Oh, and Cara had another baby.”
“Wow, you’re just a bright ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” Brooke snapped.
“Sweets, I know that you think I’ve been acting a little weird, but it’s only because I’ve been trying to prepare for our own impending…birth.”
“Our what?” Brooke asked, glancing around the room. “Does anyone know what he’s talking about?”
Rocco grinned slightly. “You don’t have to hide it from me, sweets. I know all about your secret.”
“What secret?”
“The baby,” he said under his breath. “It’s okay. I know you’re scared about this, but you’re great with Evie. It’ll all be fine.”
She shook her head slightly. “I’m not pregnant.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Oh, come on. The signs were all there. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“What signs?”
“You know, the anger about the marriage rulebook…”
I had a bad feeling based on the look on Brooke’s face. She wasn’t pregnant, and Rocco was about to get his ass kicked.
“So, you think that because you created a marriage rulebook, and I didn’t jump for joy over that, I must be pregnant.”
“Well…Cap said—”
“Whoa,” I said, holding up my hands. “Do not drag me into this.”
“You’re the one that said—”
“I told you it was either her period or she was pregnant. I never said I had confirmation. You always confirm.”
“Wait, so you’re not pregnant?”
“No!” Brooke shouted.
Rocco frowned. “But…I don’t understand. You’re always so chill about everything.”
“And you thought that making a rulebook for me to follow would just magically make me fall to your feet and do your bidding?”
He swallowed hard. “Um…not anymore.”
I rolled my eyes. This guy was fucking this up for all of us.
Brooke crossed her arms over her chest. “Did you ever stop to consider that I don’t like being told what to do all the time? It’s like you don’t even know me!”
“I do,” he said quickly. “That’s why I was so confused. You’ve never gotten upset like this before. I mean, you were electrocuted and barely cried. And when you were tear gassed…you just brushed that off.”
“Shut up,” I muttered.
“And then when you found out everyone was watching us have sex, you just spread your legs.”
“Because I knew you couldn’t help it! You’re doing this on purpose.”
He nodded. “So, if this had all happened without my knowledge, you would have been totally cool with it. Good to know.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t even think about it.”
“I didn’t say anything,” he said, holding up both hands.
The tension in the room was high, so Sinner pushed his way past us and raised his arms in the air. “I’m a daddy!”
Everyone else cheered, if only to ease the uncomfortable feeling swirling in the air. Susan ran off to get champagne, and we all started grabbing glasses as she filled them. I was laughing along with everyone else, when my eyes landed on Maggie. She was smiling, looking as beautiful as ever. She tilted back her glass and a grimace crossed her face right before she spit out the champagne.
Her hand slipped to her stomach and she shoved the glass at Claire. Her other hand flew to her mouth. My heart started pounding in my chest as she ran to a plant and threw up in the pot. I swallowed hard. Shit, I had done it. And when she looked up and her eyes locked on mine, I knew she knew it too.
“You!” she shouted.
The room got quiet and I slowly backed away, hands in the air to ward off the impending animalistic attack. I knew she would have this reaction. There was no avoiding it.
“Now, Maggie, just calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to calm down?”
“Why does she need to calm down?” Sinner asked.
“Think about what you’re doing.”
Even as I said it, I could see her hand sliding into the back of her jeans. Oh God, she had a gun on her. I hadn’t quite prepared myself for that possibility.
“What’s going on?” Sinner asked. “Why is Maggie reaching for her gun?”
“Because once again, my husband has knocked me up.”
Sinner laughed, shaking his head. “That’s not possible. We had vasectomies together.”
He looked at me, but I couldn’t agree with him.
“Cap?” The pitiful expression on his face almost made me feel bad.
“Now, just listen—“
His face turned to rage as his nostrils flared in anger. “I stood by you. I held your hand as we walked into the unknown together. We were supposed to do it as a team!”
“Look, I know you’re upset.”
“Upset? Do you know what you did to me?” he asked.
“Um…I think you’re forgetting that I’m the one paying for his decisions,” Maggie snapped.
Sinner snorted. “Right, because you’ll have another baby. I feel so terrible for you. A man went down on me and snipped my manhood! I was walking around in pain for weeks!” His eyes flicked to me and then he glared at me accusingly. “You were faking it.”
“Sinner—”
“Holy fuck. You faked having man pains? You’re sick!”
“I couldn’t go through with it!” I shouted. “I knew I needed to, but it’s just not natural for a man to have something like that removed.”
He stared at me in anger for a moment. “I had that part of me removed! I thought we were in it together! V brothers to the end!”
“V brothers?” Rocco asked.
“Vasectomy brothers,” I said, rolling my eyes.
I heard a snort of laughter, but I couldn’t pay attention to who it was. I had two very pissed off people at me at the moment, and I wasn’t sure who to be more afraid of. While Sinner had the advantage of weight, Maggie had the advantage of…well, being Maggie.
I stepped back again, this time hitting a wall. I had nowhere to run. Sinner pulled out his pocket knife and flicked the blade open. “I think it’s time for a little payback. Without pain medication.”
I looked to Maggie, pleading with her to step in and stop him, but at this moment, it became perfectly clear that my greatest fear was coming to life. She already had my demise planned out in her head. Whether it was a pressure trigger in the morning or a gunshot wound to the stomach a week from now, I was going to die a painful death. There was only one thing I had on my side.
“Freckles, just remember, you need someone to help you raise that baby.”
She smirked at me. “That’s what the ladies are for.”
Chapter Twenty
Knight
This was the most pathetic thing I had ever seen in all my life. Here we were, constantly fighting battles for our lives, and the guys were worried about a fucking relationship manual. To
top it off, Cap went and got Maggie pregnant again. We were all going to have to deal with her wrath for the next year and a half at least.
Cap was a great leader, and I would follow him anywhere, but right now, he was too busy hiding his balls to deal with the situation before us. “Alright, everyone shut the fuck up!”
Husbands and wives all shut their mouths and turned their attention to me. A fight had been brewing for the past week after Rocco’s announcement of the relationship manual being finished, and it was time to end this animosity and get back to work.
“Since all of you have fucked this up beyond repair, I’m taking it upon myself to put this thing to rest. Guys, face it, you’ve lost. There’s no relationship manual. There’s no rulebook. Hell, it shouldn’t even exist.” Rocco started to rumble about it, but I cut him off with a glare. “End of subject. The idea itself is insane. If you want things to go a certain way in your marriage, you talk about it with your spouse.”
“Or you just kidnap her and make her see things your way,” Craig said, earning a smack from Reese. “What? It’s how I got you, my little Reese’s Pieces.”
“Enough! Craig, I hate to point this out to you, but you don’t have what it takes to be a stalker. It’s never going to happen, so give it up. You have this twisted version of stalking that doesn’t even make sense. I’m sorry, you can’t join the club.”
He looked like I had kicked him, but enough was enough.
“And Storm, stop trying to push Tacos around. You lost the thumb war, but you won the girl. Sinner, get control of your woman.” Cara glared at him, but he glared right back. “No. You were pregnant and you put yourself in danger. It’s unacceptable and half the reason these guys wanted the stupid rulebook. Cap, I swear to God, if you knock up Maggie one more time, I’ll castrate you myself. She doesn’t want a fucking baseball team. Cazzo, I really thought you were smarter than to insinuate that your wife should stay home and cook for you.”
I looked around the room at the sheepish faces of the men. It was sad, really.
“As of this moment, the rulebook ceases to exist. I don’t want to hear another word about it, and if I do, I’ll be having you train the men Sean sends our way. Is that understood?”
The grumbles of agreement weren’t exactly what I was hoping for, but I knew that just the threat of having to deal with men that couldn’t hack it was enough to keep them in line.
“I have something to say,” Maggie stepped forward. “The relationship manual will stay. It’s become increasingly clear over the past few weeks that you need this more than ever. So, print it out, hand it out, and read that thing like it’s the holy grail.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “And the rulebook?”
“Why would any of us sign a rulebook? That’s just ridiculous.”
“What are you going to give us for the rulebook?” I negotiated.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Your life.”
I glanced around the room at the guys, who all watched intently. It was clear that this was a hard line for the ladies, one that none of them would negotiate terms on. The guys were going to have to deal with it. The glint in Maggie’s eyes said that she meant business, and now that she was pregnant, she was bound to rage against anyone that fucked with her. I really thought her counter offer was quite reasonable. I nodded in agreement. After all, you didn’t fuck with pregnant women.
“Second, the rulebook may be off for the men, but I can assure you that we will not be giving up the rights to a rulebook.”
She held out her hand and Claire placed a notebook in her hands. She slammed it down on the table and slid it across to me. “Each of you will read it and sign it. There are no other options here, gentlemen. Familiarize yourselves with it, because if you don’t, you will feel our wrath.” She turned to the ladies behind her and made a circle gesture with her finger. “Let’s go, ladies. Our work is done.”
We all watched them go, but as soon as they were out the door, the guys all scrambled to reach the book. Cap was the first to get his hands on it, and the others were leaning over his shoulder, desperate to see what was written inside.
“This can’t be real,” Ice said in astonishment.
“What does this have to do with me?” Chris asked. “I’m the least likely to fuck up out of any of you.”
“We’re not really signing this, are we, Cap?” Burg asked.
I watched as Cap slowly lowered the book to the table and held out his hand. “Knight, get me a fucking pen.”
Part Two
The Manual
Tips For Ensuring A Healthy Relationship
Random Thoughts
Random Knowledge To Keep In Mind
Although listed as a Relationship Manual and Rulebook, this is not actually a legally binding contract in any way, and will not hold up in any court of law. Use this information to the best of your abilities, and treat it as gospel.
Do not discuss the relationship manual with your spouse. This will save you tons of fighting, and inevitably save you from a night on the sofa.
Do not watch Lifetime movies. We’re still unclear as to why this is so dangerous, but Jules assures us that this is a dangerous endeavor.
When you’ve fucked up, do not start yelling at your wife. Grenades, knives, knees…all will be involved and it will be painful.
Do not leave plastic dishes in the oven. This should be self-explanatory.
If you’re asked to bring a dish to a party, this means to bring a dish of food. Unless it means to bring a dish.
Tips and Tricks To Keep Your Woman Happy
The Refrigerator List
This is a list that every man needs. It’s a daily reminder of all the things you should or shouldn’t say or do. Why is this so important? Because this list prevents you from receiving death glares, death threats, and just death in general. Let’s get started.
Tell your woman you love her every day.
Tell your woman she’s beautiful.
Tell your woman she looks skinny.
Unload the dishwasher when she asks.
Listen to your wife. Seriously, if you don’t want to end up dead, you have to listen to the words that come out of her mouth.
Take out the garbage as you pass the door to leave.
Make sure you clean around the toilet after you go to the bathroom.
Wash out the shower so she doesn’t have to clean out your hairs after you shave.
Put your laundry in the laundry basket.
Do not track mud across a clean floor.
The TV should not be on at all times when you’re home.
Check for other lists on the fridge. There’s probably a list of chores.
You can take care of the kids too.
Add more to the list as you think of them. I’m sure each of our women has something in mind that will help us all succeed at this relationship thing.
Stalking 101
How To Successfully Stalk Your Woman
Married or not, you need to be properly trained to stalk your woman.
Stalking should really only be done by men. Very few women can successfully pull this off with a desirable outcome.
Find out her schedule, write down when she eats, sleeps, goes to the bathroom…Everything. There’s no easy way on this one. One wrong move and your woman is holding a gun on you or calling the police. Know your target and be ready to approach at the appropriate time.
Hide in plain sight, always around where she can sense you, but never see you. It heightens the experience for all involved.
The longer you stalk her, the more she wants to know who you are, needs to know why there’s such a strong connection. Once you’ve reached this point, you’ve got her just where you want her.
Make sure your connection with her is solid before you approach her. If she’s not just as attracted to you by the time you’re ready to make your move, you’ll end up in jail.
You must have the skills to break into the house unnoticed. Try to do
this only when the subject is in the house. Otherwise, it’s weird for you to be in her space, going through her things.
Once she is sleeping, you can slip inside undetected and watch her sleep. Do NOT climb into bed with her. This makes you a creep.
Now that you’ve made your move, it’s time to make yourself known to her. She’ll be so desperate to know about this man that has her so twisted up inside that she’ll be begging you to stay so she can figure you out.
During the day, stay at a distance. She won’t be able to see you, but she’ll feel you and know you’re there, protecting her from anything that could hurt her.
If anyone approaches her that poses a danger, get rid of them.
List of No's
An Uncommon List Of Things Women Don’t Like
No need for long explanations…I’m just putting out a list of things women hate. If I’ve left anything out, I’m sure it’s in another section of the notes.
Being thought of as weak
Men that can’t admit they need help
Having a tracker slipped in under the disguise of birth control
Being constantly followed
Men that can’t commit
Assassins that drop in for a booty call
Being threatened with murder
Being called any of the following: thick thighs like a tree trunk, brains, but no beauty, juicy ass
Men that flip-flop on moving in together
Men that flip-flop on relationships
Men that stage ways to run into them to win them back
Men that stalk you on dates
Men that abandon you for 17 years
Men that cry more than you do
Men that don’t clean their sheets regularly
The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance Page 14