Sinner: Hey, Giulia. How’s it going?
Giulia: Pretty good now that you’re here.
Sinner: I’m a taken man.
Giulia: I’m aware, but remember who created you.
Sinner: I’d like to see you fight Cara for me. My Lollipop has quite the attitude.
Giulia: Where do you think she gets it?
Sinner stares at me contemplatively.
Sinner: So, what you’re saying is that when I’m screwing my wife, I’m also screwing you.
Giulia: Well, I didn’t really think of it that way, but I guess that’s right.
Sinner: And by that way of thinking, we’re really having a three-way, because you’re there and so is my wife.
Giulia: Well-
Sinner: That is so hot. Giulia, you’re kind of a dirty girl.
Giulia: Then you’re also having sex with my husband. I mean, I have to get my fantasies from somewhere, right?
Sinner stares off for a moment, then clears his throat.
Sinner: You know, I think this is entering a territory that is better suited for Alec, Florrie, and Craig.
Giulia: What’s wrong? You don’t like thinking about a four-way with my husband?
Sinner: This is so wrong. Don’t you feel like you’re cheating on your husband?
Giulia: He’s a pretty understanding guy. Besides, he knows I have my book boyfriends.
Sinner: So, he doesn’t mind you screwing other guys?
Giulia: Only in my fantasies.
Sinner: So, you’re actually kind of a whore. There’s, what, twenty guys at Reed Security? And what about the women? Does that mean that you’re screwing them too? And what about the other series?
Giulia: You know, I think we’re getting a little off track here.
Sinner grins at me.
Sinner: I think we’re going exactly where we’re supposed to. I can’t wait to tell the other guys about this.
Giulia: That’s not going to happen.
Sinner: Why not?
Giulia: Because it’s time for you to go.
Sinner vanishes and I cross his name off the list of people to interview.
Giulia: Well, that didn’t go quite as planned.
Cap
Cap: Giulia, it’s good to talk to you again. It’s been a few weeks.
Giulia: I know. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve spoken to any of you.
Cap: Yeah, well, you know, you move on to a new series, and you have all these new characters. Suddenly, we’re just left out in the dust.
Giulia: That’s not true. You guys are always on my mind.
Cap: Except when you’re writing for these new guys. The Cortell Brothers? Seriously, I’m not sure how Derek’s brothers got their own series.
Giulia: Well, seven hot brothers…that’s kind of hard to pass up.
Cap: Sure. Yeah, I can see that.
Giulia: Besides, I created a whole series around your character. That has to make you feel pretty great.
Cap: Yeah, right up until you ended it. We had a good thing going, Giulia. I’m not sure why you couldn’t keep it going.
Giulia: Well, the series couldn’t go on forever. What storylines could I possibly come up with? Were you going to knock Maggie up again?
Cap: I could have.
Giulia: I’m pretty sure there would be a grenade or two waiting for you in bed.
Cap shrugs like he doesn’t believe it’s true.
Giulia: Besides, I’m pretty sure you’re not going to knock her up anymore.
Cap: Why don’t you just pour salt in my wounds?
Giulia: But it’s exciting moving on. Aren’t you excited to see what happens with your kids when they’re all grown up?
Cap: Okay, well, that’s exciting. I mean, I’m pretty excited to see how Caitlin turns out.
Giulia: I have a feeling she’ll be just like Maggie.
Cap: Yeah, that’s not really a good thing. I’m gonna have to find her a good man, someone that can really handle her.
Giulia: Like you handle Maggie?
Cap: Hey, I can only do as much as you’ll let me.
Giulia: Let you? Aren’t you a leader? I’m not sure I could let you do anything.
Cap: You write me!
Giulia: Do I really? That’s like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Cap: So, you’re saying that we could have kept the series going if we had wanted.
Giulia: That’s not-
Cap: Shit, I have to go talk to the guys.
Giulia: Wait! I wasn’t saying-
Cap gets up and rushes out of my mind as I try to call him back.
Giulia: See, this is what I mean. I don’t really have any control over them.
Cazzo
Cazzo walks in and sits down, scowling at me the whole time.
Giulia: Well, don’t look so happy to be here.
Cazzo: Any time away from my wife is time not well spent.
Giulia: Except when you’re working.
Cazzo: Even that’s debatable.
Giulia: What’s wrong? Are you getting too old for Reed Security?
Cazzo: Not at all. I just don’t like spending all my time with the guys when I could be with the woman I love.
Giulia: That’s really sweet of you. Now I get why Katy loves you so much.
Cazzo: Yeah, about that. Could you stop putting out ads suggesting that I might go after this Katy person and leave Vanessa? She’s getting kind of pissed at me.
Giulia: I’ll have a talk with her and explain what’s going on.
Cazzo: And what is going on?
Giulia: Well, it’s the end of the series and some of the readers are…anxious to have one last moment with their favorite characters. In your case, it’s Katy. Let’s just say the nipple ring is something that really gets her motor running.
Cazzo: Then I’ll take it out.
Giulia: Yeah, I’m not gonna let that happen. Besides, you’re based on a model and in all the pictures, he has his nipple ring in.
Cazzo: So, change the fucking picture.
Giulia: That’s not going to happen. That guy is sexy, and if I changed the picture, I would also have to change a lot about you. You would no longer be the same man. Hell, Vanessa might not even want you anymore. You might be some punk with a man bun.
Cazzo: I would never wear a man bun.
Giulia: Are you sure about that? Because all it takes is the switch of a picture and a few rewrites, and you’re a completely different person. You wouldn’t even be Cazzo anymore.
Cazzo: Well, I can’t say I would miss the nickname.
Giulia: Now that you know what it means, maybe you’ll reconsider how you treat people.
Cazzo: There’s nothing wrong with how I treat people.
Giulia: Well, sure, now. But during your book, you were all broody and mean to pretty much anyone that was around you.
Cazzo: You stuck me in a fucking wheelchair. Was I supposed to be happy about that?
Giulia: You had the woman you loved in your house. Surely that would tempt you to have a more positive outlook on life.
He stares at me for a moment.
Cazzo: All this time, I thought it was Cap pulling my strings, but it was really you.
Giulia: Cap was the one that wanted Vanessa to stay with you.
Cazzo: But you wrote it.
Giulia: True, but very rarely do I actually get to write what I want. Usually, one of you guys runs off and does your own thing. Like something with guns. It’s always with the guns.
Cazzo: Well, it is a security series. If we didn’t run off with guns, there wouldn’t be much point to the books.
Giulia: Luckily, for me, I’m going to write a small town romance. There will be no guns whatsoever.
He smirks at me.
Cazzo: Yeah, I heard about that. Derek’s brothers, right?
Giulia: Yeah.
Cazzo: And you think he’s not going to show up with Hunter at some point and blow shit up?
/> My mouth drops open as I consider this. He stands and slaps me on the shoulder.
Cazzo: Good talk.
Giulia: Why do I feel like my next series was just hijacked?
Knight
Knight storms in and flips the chair around, straddling it and showing me he doesn’t give a shit about this interview.
Giulia: Thank you for coming.
Knight: Whatever. I have some rules. First, I don’t talk about relationships.
Giulia: Okay, that should be fine for this interview.
Knight: Second, Whatever the fuck you think you’re going to do here, it’s not gonna happen. I play by my rules and no amount of you thinking something else is going to happen will change that.
Giulia: So, all my questions…
Knight: Pointless.
Giulia: Gotcha.
Knight: Three, if you ever put me in the position again where my wife is taken, I’ll slip into your house at night and slit your throat.
I swallow hard and nod slightly.
Giulia: Okay. Anything else?
Knight: Yeah, I have a few ideas about how to get my revenge on some of the guys.
Giulia: For what? I’m pretty sure no one’s ever done anything that you would need to get revenge for.
Knight: The spa.
I think back, trying to remember what he’s talking about when it hits me.
Giulia: The waxing.
Knight: You’re fucking right. That was a low blow, and I don’t appreciate people disrespecting me like that.
Giulia: But, it wasn’t me. Hunter made me do it. He said he had some information on you about something that happened while you were in the military.
Knight: And if that ever comes out-
Giulia: You’ll slit my throat.
Knight: Exactly. I’m glad we understand each other.
I nod once, letting him know that I perfectly understand him.
Knight: Well, I think this was productive, don’t you?
I look down at my notes and see all my unanswered questions as I hear Knight storming away. I crumple up the paper and toss it behind me. That was a wasted interview.
Irish
Derek walks into my head in a Superman costume with Claire close behind in a Wonder Woman costume.
Giulia: I thought I might just get an interview with Derek.
Derek: Try telling her that. For some reason, she thought if she came along, there would be an explosion or a kidnapping.
Giulia: Is that why you’re wearing the costume?
Derek: Why don’t you ask yourself that. You’re imagining all of this.
Giulia: Well, I do like the look of you in a Superman costume.
Claire: I know. He looks great. I make him wear it to bed all the time.
Giulia: If he wears it to bed, how do you have sex?
Claire: I put in snaps at the crotch. You know, like you have on onesies for babies.
I look to Derek and try not to laugh.
Derek: Shut the fuck up. I will end you.
Giulia: Ooh, you’re really scaring me. Now, if you were Knight, I might be scared by that.
Derek: Hey, I am way scarier than that asshole.
Giulia: I don’t know. He’s not just scary looking. He’s also deadly.
Claire: Hey, that’s not fair. Derek took out fifteen men when we were in the forest. And that was after he fought off all those guys in the library. And a bookcase fell on top of him.
Giulia: Yeah, but he also laughs.
Claire: That’s true.
Giulia: And he doesn’t threaten to kill everyone around him.
Claire: I guess.
Giulia: And he’s never purposely broken the law.
Derek: Hey, I’ve broken the law plenty of times.
Giulia: Sorry, I was talking to Claire.
Derek: Seriously, I’m sitting right fucking here. It’s like you’re purposely trying to emasculate me.
Giulia: I could never do that. I mean, besides putting you in costumes all the time.
Derek: Which I would like to ask that you not do that during The Cortell Brothers. I mean, it’s bad enough that all my imaginary friends see me this way. Is it too much to ask that my imaginary brothers don’t see me like this? I’ll catch so much shit from them.
Giulia: But, if I don’t have you do this at least once, none of the readers will remember how awesome you were in your book. This is a reminder for them.
Derek: Yeah, but can’t you do something cooler? Like, have me fight off twenty men with one arm tied behind my back. Or I could get in a gun battle and almost die. Then Claire would be at my beck and call for weeks on end.
Giulia: Yeah, that sounds fun, but we’ve had enough close calls in this series. I think for the next one, we’ll keep it nice and simple. Besides, after talking with Cazzo, I really think that’s for the best.
Derek: Wait, you discussed my brothers’ series with Cazzo?
Giulia: Yes.
Derek: Well, of course that asshole is going to put thoughts in your head.
Giulia: Nobody puts thoughts in my head. I make all the decisions around here.
Derek: Sure, until he points out something that you don’t like.
Giulia: Just trust me. I did pretty good with your book. I found you a hot woman with a personality and I made sure that your book was fun and action-packed. You’re just going to have to trust me.
Derek: Trust you? You had me say stupid shit to her when we met. It could have ruined everything. I told her that she had thick thighs!
Giulia: Yes, but then I made you the most irresistible man there ever was. I put you in a Superman costume.
Derek: Hey, not just anyone can wear this costume. You have to earn this.
I lean forward and give him my deadliest look.
Giulia: I gave you that suit, and I can take it away in the blink of an eye.
Claire gulps audibly and starts yanking Derek out of his chair.
Claire: Derek, let’s leave before she tries to rip it off you right now.
Derek stands slowly, doing his best to intimidate me. Unfortunately, it just makes my knees go weak.
Derek: This isn’t over, Giulia. I’ll be waiting for you one night, and we’ll see how much you like having your life played with.
I sigh and rest my head in my hand as he walks off. If only he would visit me one night.
Hunter
Hunter walks into the room and winks at me before taking a seat.
Hunter: Giulia, it’s good to finally meet you face to face.
Giulia: Well, I’m glad that you are excited to be here.
Hunter chuckles.
Hunter: Yeah, that’s not what I said. I have a bone to pick with you.
Giulia: Okay, over what?
Hunter: What’s with you making me a fucking minister? It’s fucking with my reputation.
Giulia: Not really. I mean, you’re a cool minister.
Hunter: A minister isn’t someone you associate with having sex.
Giulia: That’s the Catholic faith. You can still have sex, and you’re married, so what do you care?
Hunter: I just don’t understand why you had to go and make me look like a pussy.
Giulia: Is this because I didn’t have you marry Storm and Jessica in front of everyone?
Hunter: Maybe.
Giulia: Because you had a pretty big part in GoodKnight and even Parker’s book. I think it’s only fair that everyone else got some screen time in too.
Hunter: I’m just saying, first it was the whole waxing thing, and then you had me staring at another guy’s dick. Then I become a minister? What the actual fuck?
Giulia: I had no idea you felt this way.
Hunter: Well, you didn’t actually ask me how I felt.
Giulia: Okay, well, how do you feel about having more kids?
Hunter: The series is over. It’s not like it matters anymore. You had Lucy and I wait long enough.
Giulia: Well, just because the series is over, th
at doesn’t mean that things can’t happen between now and when your kids are older. I could make you have like ten more kids if you wanted.
Hunter: Right, like I want to be like Cap.
Giulia: Think about it. I won’t actually be writing any of this, so you could have the large family without the hassle of having to raise all the kids. It’s kind of perfect. One day, I snap my fingers and there you are with all those kids.
Hunter: Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.
Giulia: Of course, then I’ll have to think up all these funny stories to go with you raising all those kids. I can’t promise that you’ll come out the same way you went in.
Hunter: Or… you could have something really awesome happen, sort of like you did with Knight in his first book. I could disappear and everyone could think I’m dead. Then, imagine how much head I would get from Lucy when I came back from the dead.
Giulia: So, you want me to kill you off sometime over the next few series.
Hunter nods.
Giulia: Then, your kids will suffer and be traumatized by your death in their adult lives. It’ll definitely add character to their characters…Did you see how I did that?
Hunter: Okay, I’m liking this.
Giulia: And when you come back from the dead, you’re absolutely shocked to find that Lucy moved on without you.
Hunter stops nodding and looks at me in confusion.
Hunter: Why would she move on?
Giulia: Well, you don’t expect her to stay celibate for the rest of her life just because you died, do you?
Hunter: I guess I hadn’t thought-
Giulia: And she could have more kids with this guy. Maybe he has a better job, one where he doesn’t almost die in several books.
Hunter: But you did that to me.
Giulia: Yeah, but the series is over now. There’s no point in killing off the next spouse. So, then you’ll come back from the dead, and your kids will be shocked and upset. Lucy will probably punch you and then kick you in the nuts. And you won’t get any head. So, what do you think?
Hunter runs his hand across his jaw as he subtly closes his legs to block off any attacks.
The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance Page 20