by Amanda LeMay
“He said you and he never made love, not in your human form.”
Neeta’s gray gaze locked on mine. Pain and sadness swept through her face again before she blinked it away.
“No, not once. We never even kissed.” She pulled in a breath and looked away for a moment as though she were collecting her thoughts. “We bred, Simone. We bred in our Breeder forms and created nine perfect, little beings.” She looked up and over to where the males gathered at tables with bowls full of food.
“How?” And, didn’t that sound stupid?
Neeta looked to me with a smile. “How?”
“I don’t mean how as in how. I know how. I mean, how could you not...want to? He’s so...” Warm and strong and big... “He’s so...so...” My brain and my mouth refused to sync up.
“Hot?”
“Yes.” I giggled and shook my head. “He is so hot. So gorgeous. So full of muscles. I bet he made beautiful babies.” Babies. I heaved a sigh. “And he’s so huge! I mean, how could you not want to want that?”
I slapped my hand over my mouth and stared at Neeta.
Somebody please kill me! Or at the very least, shut me up!
“I’m so sorry,” I mumbled behind my fingers. I reached out to Neeta, took her hand, and shook my head in disbelief. “I don’t know why I’m saying those things. Yeah, I do. I’m a little drunk. But that’s no excuse. I’m so sorry. What happened between you and Gun is none of my business. I shouldn’t be asking. I shouldn’t be telling.” I let go of Neeta and held my hands to my flaming cheeks. “I am so embarrassed.”
“No, don’t be embarrassed. I want you to understand why, and it has nothing to do with Gunner because, yeah, he is very hot. I’d have to be blind not to see that.” Her eyebrows went up as she tipped her head and grinned. She looked away again and the grin faded. “But I’m in love with another male. My sakana.”
I stood, staring. If she felt anything for her sakana near what I felt for Gunner, she would never have mated with another male.
I flapped my arms out wildly. “Then why did you agree to mate with Gunner? How could you?” I tried to keep my voice level, but it sounded more like shrieking to me.
Her eyes locked on mine, but she didn’t answer. Not with words, anyway. She didn’t need to. Her overwhelming sadness hit me like a tidal wave, almost buckling my knees under its weight. Her lips parted and suddenly, I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear her reasons why she wasn’t with her sakana.
“He’s dead, Simone. Killed in a challenge.”
A small gasp came from my mouth. The margarita glass slipped silently from my fingers. Neeta’s hand darted out and caught it in less than a blink.
The tears came then.
Not Neeta’s. Mine.
I couldn’t stop them.
Couldn’t blink them back.
Didn’t care that they poured out of my eyes as if they were coming straight from my heart.
I opened my mouth to apologize again, but the words “I’m sorry” would never convey my overwhelming sorrow at her loss. And then...
Please, no.
“Gunner...?” The question hung on the tip of my tongue. The thought that Gunner might have...
“No. Not Gunner. It happened years before I met Gunner.”
Even through my tears, a strange sort of relief swept through me.
“Does Gunner know?”
“Yes. He knows I lost everything to that challenge. When we mated, he understood I could never love him the way he deserves—the way you love him.” Neeta set my glass on the small table. “I had nothing left to live for. I grieved for years, until my father decided it was time for me to stop. He and my mother were in love, but without a sakana bond they didn’t...they couldn’t understand.” She clasped her hands over her heart. “This kind of grief never goes away. It can’t be stopped or shut off when it’s inconvenient. This kind of love doesn’t fade. Unless you are lucky enough to find another sakana. I learned to live with it. I learned to...allow myself some small happiness.”
She dropped her hands to her sides and sighed.
“When Gunner was out there breeding, I had the privilege of seeing him perform at a couple of Moon Dances. I saw how passionate and caring he was toward the female Breeders. He promised to care for me, and I promised him I would do my best—be an honorable female—a worthy, Alpha mate. I agreed to take him as my mate, under certain terms. He agreed to those terms, and we mated shortly after. When you mate with him, once he mounts you and his teeth pierce your skin, your mind goes to this strange and perfectly wild place where your wolf fully takes over. It’s frightening, at first—and may be more so for you, since you’re so used to controlling your wolf side—but you’ll find your wolf is what makes you strong. That part of you keeps you alive when it seems like your world is ending.” She looked straight into my eyes. “I believe you understand what I mean.”
I did.
“My wolf took over and made me run. When I wanted to lie down and die, my wolf pushed me on.” I sniffled and clumsily wiped at my face.
“My wolf did the same for me, though, in a different way. The last thing I ever wanted to do was share my body with another, but when my heat hit, my wolf took over. The only way I got through breeding with Gunner was by...” She looked at her hands, her mouth open as if the words hung there on her tongue. “Pretending it was him. My sakana. For eight breedings, I gave my body up to Gunner and never once really let him in, until the night I conceived Tabitha.”
She paused and sighed.
“My heat was different. Not like any heat I’d had before. I was crazed with it.” She sucked in her lips, licked them, and looked out at the dark gray storm clouds off in the distance. “For three nights before it fully hit, I stood outside of Gunner’s bedroom door, wanting him. If he would’ve opened the door, I would’ve...” She swallowed and shook her head. “But he kept to my terms, he didn’t touch me. When the full moon rose, my wolf couldn’t wait. I let her free. My wolf wanted Gunner. I wanted Gunner. After all those years, all those breedings, I needed Gunner.” The breeze blew her long, white hair back from her face. “I hated myself. My need felt like a betrayal. Of course, Gunner had no idea and it only happened that one time. When Tabitha was born, I told him I was done. I couldn’t wipe away the guilt and I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I had one more heat after that, and somehow I knew it was the last heat I would ever have.”
Neeta sighed and smiled.
“I was happy with Gunner. If I was ever unhappy, it was my fault. He’s a very good male. Honorable always. He kept up his part of our relationship, gave me everything, but I was never fair to him. Besides our offspring, I couldn’t give anything back, not emotionally, anyway. I was never more than a business partner.” Her eyes focused on mine once again. “That’s why there isn’t much I won’t do to ensure his happiness.”
“Is it always like this when you meet your sakana? Like, you’d be willing to endure anything—anything—to be with them?”
“Yes. Even if that anything is just pretend.” Neeta’s hand touched mine. A wonderful contentment flowed through me. “Once you understand who you are to Gunner—what you mean to him—you’ll realize what you feel toward him is not only an unquenchable desire and need, but also a deep, undying love. When you allow yourself to believe he feels the same for you, everything that has ever happened in your life before the moment you met him will mean nothing at all.”
The same thing had gone through my mind, but I was too afraid to believe it.
“I’m so...scared.” It must have been the alcohol loosening the tight hold on my fear, but I felt safe somehow, admitting it to Neeta.
Her soft hands took mine. “I know you’re scared. I’m sure there is so much about our world, your world, that frightens you.” She shook her head slowly back and forth. “Rule is doing his pack a great disservice by keeping them so sheltered. You’ll learn. You’ll adjust. You’ll learn to trust your instincts.”
“I’ve spe
nt my entire life suppressing my instincts. It’s so hard to let loose and...”
“Live?”
I nodded. “Exactly.”
“First, you need to let your wolf see, hear, and feel.” She smiled. “I think you’ve got the feeling part down already.”
“I’m so used to blocking everything out. I’m afraid to open it, afraid my wolf side will...” What? Take over? I sucked in a stuttering breath. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can, and you will.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. Every time I said “I can’t”, someone said “Yes, you can”. And I did. I would need to strike that phrase from my vocabulary, along with “I’m okay”. Just erase them from my memory.
Neeta squeezed my hands. “Blocking out the entire world is much harder than focusing on one particular thing. Wolves are used to focusing, used to being on alert at all times. It’s in our nature.” She dropped my hands. “Close your eyes.”
I did.
“Now listen to the sound of my voice. Block out everything else. Breathe. Close out all the other sounds, one by one. Focus only on my voice.”
I nodded. The sounds around me seemed to take up all the space in my head. I shut out the deep rumble of the males as they talked and ate. The bubbling sound of the Jacuzzi, splash of water in the pool, and wind through the trees took over. I pushed them back. Thunder that had been so far off came to the forefront, and even though I enjoyed the sound, I shut it out too, until the only sound I heard was my own breathing and my beating heart.
“Where is Neeru?”
Neeta’s whispered words were like a shout in my empty head. I shrugged and opened my mouth to speak.
“No talking. Find Neeru. Listen for her voice.”
And there it was. Behind me and to my left. Neeru’s faint words, spoken in a broken, rhythmic staccato. “Ah...ah...ah...oh yeah...” My face suddenly prickled with heat.
Neeta’s soft laughter sounded right beside me. “Yes, you’ve found her. Search for Derry and Taber.”
I strained to listen, knowing Derry and Taber were upstairs in Derry’s room...there they were. Through the walls and windows, I barely made out Taber’s deep voice, not speaking, only moaning long and low.
“Now find Gunner.”
Gunner was easy. I picked his out heartbeat and breathing pattern in less than a second. His heart pounded so loudly, it was as if I had pressed my ear against his chest. My smile must have given Neeta a clue I’d found him.
“Find his scent on the breeze.”
“The smoke from the barbeque is...” Frustrated, I shook my head. “The meat...”
“Either block it out or find a way past it. Filter out every other scent until Gunner’s is the only one you smell.”
I nodded and pulled in a deep breath over my tongue.
There he was—dark, rich leather with a hint of smoke and lemon oil. My heart did that little flip. My mouth watered. I wanted to taste him, to run my tongue all over his body.
“Look at him.”
I did.
Neeta stood to my side, facing me, her back to the pool. Gunner’s green eyes stared back at me from the other side of the pool. His head cocked to the side a bit. He was probably wondering what the heck I was doing. I smiled. Every muscle in my body seemed to sigh. My gaze roamed over his naked body, hidden mostly by the towel he used. I tracked the path as he moved the towel slowly up across his chest, down one arm and then the other while he seemed to hide the center of his body deliberately from my view. He wiped the towel unhurriedly over his abs and I followed as it moved lower. I wasn’t sure which one of us started first, but the pace of our beating hearts had sped up.
The towel moved lower and lower still, until my breath rushed in and out of my lungs from the anticipation—the waiting—the hope he would reveal that part of himself that was so perfect, so male.
The dinner bell rang out again, breaking my focus. My skin burned as if I’d been baked in the sun for days. I swallowed and blinked. Gunner had turned his back and stepped into his jeans. I fought to catch my breath and slow my racing pulse as I watched him pull the denim up and over his well-toned backside.
Neeta folded her arms and smiled. “See? Your instincts are there. You need to practice. Open up. Focus. It’s how we can live in this world full of humans and still stay hidden in plain sight. It’s not only watching and listening, it’s using all your senses—seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and feeling.”
I had come here knowing nothing whatsoever about my own wolf culture, and with very little clue about what I was capable of. I’d put others in danger without meaning to and instead of shunning me, they’d taken me in and cared for me.
“I never meant to be such a burden.”
“You are not a burden. You’ll learn. Your wolf remembers who and what you are. Trust her.”
“I spent seven days as a wolf. I’ve never done that before. For the first three days, my humanity fought my every wolf instinct. Once I got hungry enough, it was as if a black curtain blanketed my human mind and my wolf took over. I remember...I wasn’t afraid anymore. I knew where I was headed and I just ran.”
“Are you afraid now?”
“No. I’m...” Okay. No. I was better than okay. “I’m good. I’m very good. I’m also a little drunk, I think.”
Neeta nodded and smiled. “Yes, you are, but just a little. Don’t worry about that, either. It won’t last long and it won’t be the last time.”
Across the pool, Gunner had his back to me as he talked with another male. He looked good enough to eat, with those jeans hugging his tight, round ass and heavily muscled legs. The sun sparkled off tiny drops of water across his broad back and shoulders. I could not wait to wrap my legs around him and have his long, thick cock slide inside me again. Just the thought made my mouth water, heated my body, and had my heart racing all over again, pumping blood to all of my most sensitive places.
Gunner cocked his head to the side.
“He can sense you. Even from all the way over there,” Neeta murmured.
His low chuckle seemed to travel through the humid air and hit me in the heart.
“Simone, it’s a special bond, this connection between you and him.” Neeta’s hand slipped into mine. Her happiness flowed into me like a sweet song. “He was yours from the moment you met. Your joy. Your life. Your everything.”
She gave my hand a squeeze, released it, and strolled off toward the barbeque, where quite a few of the males were still standing in a ragged line of sorts, pushing and shoving, jockeying for a place near the front. Neeta passed them by and went straight to Denny, who handed her a plate piled high with meat. The males around the food table politely stepped aside as she served herself a heaping scoop from each large bowl before taking a seat at another table.
“Well, must be an Alpha female perk.” I giggled.
Gunner’s soft footsteps came up from behind me. His arms wrapped around me, one around my shoulders and the other around my rib cage, as his hand cupped my breast. Even though the dip in the pool had cooled his skin, the heat that always accompanied his touch rushed through me, cloaked me like a soft, warm blanket.
I folded my arms over his and held him there, never wanting to let him go.
His lips touched my ear. “What were you three talking about?”
“Well...”
Would he disapprove of our sexual conversation?
No. He would not. He is not my mother. He is not Rule. He’s open and free with his sexuality. And he loves me.
“Baby?”
Still, I started with the safest topic. “Neeta was teaching me how to focus my instincts.”
The hand on my shoulder moved to my jaw. Gunner turned my face to the side and kissed his way from my ear to my mouth. “Learn anything?”
“A little,” I whispered against his lips.
“Like what?” His tongue stroked across my lips before retreating into his mouth.
I focused only on him, blocking out every o
ther noise and smell around us. Even somewhat drunk, it wasn’t that difficult. His breath stirred the small hairs on my face. His chest rose and fell against my back. I heard his heartbeat strong and loud—felt his pulse through his fingertips where they lay on my neck and through the palm of his hand that held the weight of my breast. I tasted his scent, dense, smoky, and mouthwatering, on my tongue and down my throat. I felt every flex of hard muscle where it touched my skin, especially the hard ridge of his cock as it pressed into my lower back and beat with a pulse of its own. Though his skin was cool, the heat of his Alpha power surrounded me like a roaring fire, soaked into my flesh, and burned me from within.
“Baby?” His lips, so sinfully soft, brushed over mine. “What did you learn?”
What did I learn? All the reasons I’d been fighting my instincts, fighting our age difference, fighting the truth of our sakana bond, fighting all the feelings I had locked up inside—all those silly, stupid reasons meant nothing.
“I love you,” I murmured against his mouth. “I love you, Gun.”
He pulled away. A grin curved his mouth as little lines formed like a sun-spray out from the corners of his green eyes.
“I think you’re a little drunk.”
“And you would be correct.” I giggled. “Besides, what does that have to do with saying ‘I love you’? I do love you.”
Gunner turned me in his arms and pulled my body flush up against his. His kisses started at my lips and moved down my neck. His teeth grazed my mark and I shivered from head to toe.
“I love you too, sakana, and right now, I need you.”
My entire body shuddered in a mini-orgasm.
“Yes,” I hissed. “No. Wait.” I stumbled back a step as I poked my finger into his chest, “You’re not supposed to say that!”
He chuckled. “Really?”
“No. I’m supposed to say that. Neeru said I’m supposed to say all the stuff to make you all hot and horny. Not you. I don’t need that. I’m already hot and horny.”
“Oh, really? And what kind of stuff are you supposed to say?” He sounded serious, but I saw those little laugh lines around his eyes.
My mind went blank. “Wait a sec...my brain is full. I mean, I don’t think there’s any blood left. It’s all Texas tequila something with hot jalapeño olive thingys. Those are really tasty. I could eat a jar full.” Then I remembered. “Oh...” I leaned toward him, wrapped my hand around his neck, pulled him down to me, and gazed into his big, beautiful eyes as I whispered, “I’m supposed to say, ‘You wanna try anal?’”