“Baba? Where are you?” his son called.
“In here,” Zayden called back.
The footsteps drew closer, but Zayden didn’t move. He didn’t know what, but something kept him planted there, staring at his reflection.
The face in the mirror wasn’t the face of a male anyone would call baba, father, daddy—none of those fit the male looking back at him.
The door opened, and Zayden felt as if his gut was punched as Rain entered the mirror, frowning.
“Mave said you had a bad morning,” his son said softly, leaning on the wall behind him, the door swinging shut on its own. “Ha, we could be brothers. Wow. I mean, it makes sense, but wow. I didn’t realize how blue I really was. I think you only have me in size and color now, baba.”
Zayden was still trying to reconcile the moment. His son beside him, looking like someone who should have been his younger brother, not his son.
This isn’t real. This can’t be real.
“Is that…really what I look like?” he asked his boy, confused and unsure of himself.
“Mom always said you were a wonderful thing to look at. Are you really all that surprised? What did you think you looked like?” Rain seemed confused, not at their reflections, but at him. He had confused his son.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I’ve been on this earth for sixteen hundred years. Sometimes, I feel the weight of those years. I guess I thought I should look older, but…”
“You know you’re still pretty young, baba. Does it bother you? Seeing yourself like this?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I normally only catch a glimpse of myself on water, and that’s never…this clear.”
“What’s bothering you?” Rain’s voice turned gentle and soft. He left the wall and stepped up to the counter. Closer, Zayden saw even more of the similarities. Rain was definitely his son. He had a lot of Summer in him, but he was, without a doubt, Zayden’s son.
“I’m so…” Zayden hated to seem vain, but he could only find one word. “Pretty.”
“I wouldn’t go that far or use that word,” Rain said, coughing over a laugh. “But I can see why you think so. You’re attractive, baba. Deal with it. And I want you to memorize that face the next time you get cranky like an old male.”
“Fuck,” Zayden mumbled.
“Baba?”
Zayden was overcome for a moment with emotion. How many times had he been told he was too young to behave the way he did? How many times had he tried to convince himself of it?
But I feel so old. I feel like the world has gone on too long. Why do I feel like that?
He couldn’t find anything to say to his son, closing his eyes as he bowed his head. He couldn’t keep looking at him.
I feel old. I’m crippled.
And I have thousands of years ahead of me.
How did my life turn out like this? Wanting a female I can’t have. Having a son who looks more like my brother than anything else. Losing the one thing I was supposed to be until the day I died. I was a fucking warrior, and now I’m staring at a face that’s thousands of years too young for my soul.
How did this happen?
Anger curled in his belly—anger at himself.
“Baba?” Rain whispered again. Zayden felt hands on his back. “I don’t understand what’s happening, and I need you to tell me.”
“I shouldn’t look like that,” he said in a choked, angry voice, unable to open his eyes and stare at his own reflection. “I should…look like Leshaun. And everything…Rain, you’re the best thing I’ve ever done or will ever do. How am I supposed to live for another three thousand years and more knowing that? Knowing I’ll never do something as good as you? And now, I can’t even fucking spar. I can’t fly. I…I don’t know if I can find my new balance. I have never felt so off-balance in my entire life, and a lot of that has nothing to do with my tail.”
His son seemed surprised, leaning back from him.
“Do you really feel that way? Baba, you…you have so much life to live. I…” Rain opened the door behind him and walked out, pulling Zayden with him. The door slammed shut this time. “No more of that. I know I’ve been busy, and I haven’t been around probably as much as you’d like, but you can’t wallow, Baba. You can’t do this to yourself. You can work really fucking hard to find your new balance. Not just physically but with life. You have to.”
“Do I have to?” He eyed his son. “Who’s going to care if I don’t?”
Rain shoved him hard enough to send him into a wall and snarled.
“Fine. Hate yourself,” his son snapped. “I can’t fucking believe you sometimes.” Rain started to walk away, and Zayden sighed, looking up at the ceiling.
“Stop. I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes as the footsteps stopped, then drew closer again. “I’m just lost right now. I thought I was going to do things better this year. I was ready to. I’m finally letting go of Summer, and I’m so proud of you. I just don’t know where that leaves me. I don’t know where I belong anymore. I shouldn’t take that out on you.”
“Apology accepted,” Rain said carefully. “You always have a place with the Company.”
“Yeah…” He knew Rain meant that honestly, but Zayden knew if he was crippled for life and couldn’t fly anymore, he would never fight beside the Company ever again.
“Give yourself more time. It’s only been a couple of weeks since you were injured. Others have come back from worse, but they’ve given themselves time. You’ve been beating yourself up and avoiding the reality you need to relearn everything. I know you have. I know change is hard for you, and you’re going through a lot of it right now.”
“When did you grow up?” Zayden asked, opening one eye to look down on his son.
“Like two hundred and fifty years ago,” Rain answered sarcastically. Both of them laughed. “Really? I don’t think I considered myself an adult either until the pits, maybe even just after that. Alchan has helped me realize exactly who I am and who I could be. And I know you, Baba. I think only Matesh knows you better than I do.”
“Probably.” Zayden ran a hand over his face. “Don’t tell him about this.”
“I would never.”
“Or Mave.”
Rain cursed, so Zayden reached out, grabbed his son into a headlock, and ruffled his hair while his son laughed, trying to pull away. They were both laughing as Zayden lost his balance and tipped into the wall, forced to release his son.
“I’ll figure it out,” Zayden promised as they both caught their breaths. Rain was on the far wall, red in the face and grinning. “I promise to figure this out.”
“Don’t promise me. Promise you. You’re the one with a whole lot of life to live,” Rain whispered, his smile turning sad. “More than me, in the end.”
Zayden felt his heart drop. “That’s not fair.”
“It’s the truth. I’m going to haunt you every Al Moro Nat if you waste your life like this. You deserve to have what every other Andinna male wants. You don’t need to feel old.”
“I’ve raised a child,” Zayden reminded him. “I’m staring at him.”
“You raised Mat, too, then became best friends with him, like every other Andinna lives their life. I think that’s your problem. You keep thinking about Mother and me. Baba, she lived her life. I’m going to live mine, for however long it is. You don’t need to live on our schedules. You don’t need to feel like your life is going to end when mine does, or hers did.”
“I had the right to grieve her,” Zayden muttered.
“You did, and I think you’ve finally stopped. Don’t use me as your excuse to keep grieving and acting like this. I’ve got a couple more thousand years. There’s no reason to yet.” Rain smiled. “Do you want to play cards?”
“Shouldn’t you be with Alchan?”
“Mave told me you had a bad morning. Alchan will understand me staying here for a little while. The rest of the Company is with him.”
“I wish I could be there,” he mumbl
ed.
“No one is stopping you. You’re the one who decided to hide in this house once you were well enough to start walking around. You don’t need to fly everywhere. You have two feet, and you need the practice.” Rain snorted.
“I really have been an idiot.”
“Yes. Let’s try to stop that.”
“I’ll do my best,” he promised.
They went into his bedroom together. Zayden needed a pair of pants before he did anything else. He would only stand around naked for so long. Rain didn’t comment on the state of his room, but when they left, he sighed.
“That cave bear would have been great to split between us. Maybe we can find another one this year.”
“Are we doing The Hunt this year?” Zayden didn’t think the event would be a good idea. Not if they were constantly under the threat of the Empire.
“I haven’t asked Alchan yet, but I don’t think he would skip an important holiday for our people, especially since we’re fighting for freedom. We should behave free, right?” Rain shrugged. “We’ll find out soon, I bet…You know, fuck playing cards. Let’s get back to the war room and get into it with him today.”
Zayden chuckled. “Fine. It would be good seeing all of them.” It might break him out of his haze, and the walking was healthy.
11
Mave
Mave found herself sitting at the far end of the table from Alchan as they talked about the life of the gladiators.
“That’s a brutal training schedule,” Nevyn commented, shaking his head. “On minimal meals? I’m amazed so many survived it.”
“What’s the official count?” Mave asked, looking between them, knowing she was going to take them off-topic. “Were my estimates right?” She’d thrown out educated estimates based on her own life in Elliar and what she had seen and heard. She was hoping their preparations based on her intel were sound.
“They were, in a sense,” Alchan confirmed. “By the official report from the captains, they initially had six hundred and thirty-two gladiators survive to get aboard their ships, just over a thousand male slaves, and five hundred and four women and children. Many were killed in the initial escape, and more were killed in Myrsten when the Elvasi in the city found out what was happening. They killed as many as they could before the uprising reached them. If that hadn’t happened, we could have been looking at nearly a thousand gladiators, and more Andinna than Leria has in her entire community.”
Mave had been right once they accounted for casualties.
“Packed onto ships like sardines,” Mat mumbled, shaking his head.
“Yes. Just over twenty-one hundred Andinna on five ships. There were just over four hundred on each ship, packed into any space they could find. Many slept in hammocks or on top of supplies. They ran out of food four days ago because the three remaining ships had to take on those they could save. From the ships that sank, we lost two hundred and fifty-one of the women and children, one hundred and five gladiators, and four hundred and eighteen males of all ages. From reports yesterday, some of the males, still healthy enough to fly, were shot out of the air by the Elvasi fleet as they tried to rescue others.”
Mave’s stomach sank further. So many. They had been so close to arriving home, back to their own lands, then were killed at sea, just like that, where no one could save them.
“That leaves us with fourteen hundred Andinna who need rations. Fourteen hundred Andinna who need homes and clothing,” Alchan concluded. He must have seen something on her face because he gave her a sad look. “It could have been worse.”
“It could have been a lot worse,” Nevyn muttered. “Doesn’t make it good.”
“It’s fourteen hundred Andinna who are free and over five hundred gladiators who can quickly be reshaped into strong warriors since they were never completely out of practice,” Luykas countered. “Yes, we lost some, but at least many made it here to freedom, to help their people and reap the benefits of the cause we’re fighting for.”
“Luykas,” Mave whispered, leaning over to look at him. “Finding a bright side is a little hard when…”
“We have to keep looking to the bright side, or we’re doomed to wallow in this and get nowhere,” her husband countered. “We have more than enough food prepared and waiting. We need to begin packing the horses. The taking of Kerit has quadrupled our number of horses. We also now have over a dozen carts and carriages. Children and supplies can ride in those. Their mothers may have to walk, or they can drive and take turns. We can work it out. The gladiators can become an extension of our current force, their own unit—”
“Separate them,” Mave said, cutting him off. “We have to separate them. The longer you let those gladiators hold themselves apart, the more they can talk among themselves and make their own decisions.”
“You think they would begin to disobey my orders?”
“I think they might be easy to anger,” she answered honestly. “I don’t know how well you were watching your cousin, but Seventy-Two hasn’t been told no by an Andinna in nine hundred years. He’s used to getting his way, and the rest of them fell in line. He controlled the largest of the groups and therefore, had the power in the pits.”
“Kenav. His name is Kenav,” Alchan whispered. “Use it.”
“Why?”
“Because you aren’t in the pits anymore,” he snapped. “I won’t have people being addressed by a slave identification. No one. That is not why I offered mercy and second chances.”
She leaned back, feeling the weight of his momentary anger. He was right. She was only saying Seventy-Two to remind herself he was the slave in the pits who orchestrated a lot of her problems. But neither of them was a slave anymore and reinforcing what Shadra had turned them into helped no one.
“My apologies,” she conceded, lowering her head. She didn’t think Alchan was taking his side. He was just trying to make them all do better. Being around the other gladiators brought out something nasty in her, though, something mean—something very cold.
“So, we separate the gladiators between the different units. We can do that easily,” Kian cut in, his tone too jovial and carefree, trying his best to break the tension. “We keep the freed women and children with our female warriors. I think Mave needs to spend more time with them. They look up to her as their voice with Alchan. Everyone has been fucking around for two weeks, but on the road back home, we have to get serious again.”
“I can do that,” she agreed, shrugging. She kept watching her king. He nodded silently, finally breaking eye contact with her in that way where neither of them really knew who won or lost.
“The other males need to be divided as well,” Bryn pointed out. “I’ve seen a couple that would make good scouts. Younger, leaner. Maybe not suited for a soldier’s work. I can approach them and begin testing the waters.”
“You can start tomorrow,” Alchan agreed. “Anyone else?”
“We need to quickly question what they did in the Empire,” Mat said, sighing. “It’ll take time, but I think many of them were free before the War, which means they would have already had crafts or skills that could prove useful.”
“Where are they going to live when we get to the village?” Mave asked, frowning. “Aren’t we already facing a space problem?”
“That is when we would open a second village,” Alchan explained. “I left Allaina and Senri to consider a location, probably in the next valley over from ours. There are a lot of old villages ready to be built up, and a couple of those are within a day’s flight. I’m setting her up to become my regional mativa, so that village would also be under her control.”
“That should help her stand equally with Leria,” Luykas commented, tapping his fingers on the table. “Which isn’t a bad thing. We need more mativas, but first, we need more Andinna.”
“I have ideas about what our spring and summer goals will be, but I would like us to get on the road first,” Alchan said, rubbing his face. “So many small steps and things must be manag
ed at all times. I wouldn’t doubt if Shadra is already moving a force toward the Dragon Spine to stop us from breaking into the Empire to free our people. With the attack on the ships, her answer is clear. She’s opting for war.”
Everyone was quiet. Mave stood and looked around at the Company, at the ones in charge of the rebellion. She was technically one of them, but she preferred being only a sword.
“I’m going to check in on the females,” she declared, deciding if she was going to sit at this table, she may as well do something other than look good. “The gladiators will be fine with the same rations you give any of the other warriors. You saw them. Other than being a couple months out of practice, they’re not starving.”
“Of course. You’re dismissed. Have a good day.”
“Dave, report to me around dinner time with anything that’s decided.” He’d been so silent for the entire meeting, but after she spoke, a soft scratching on paper stopped. She turned to see him sitting at a small side table with a blank bound book in front of him. Well, half blank. He’d been taking notes already.
“Of course, Champion.”
“Just call me Mave,” she said, reaching the door. As she walked out, Mat got up and followed her, passing Zayden and Rain walking in.
“Good to see you walking around,” Mat commented, pushing his best friend at his shoulder. Zayden rocked, and Rain caught him. Mave thought the male would blow, but Zayden only grinned sheepishly.
“Rain came and knocked some sense into me,” Zayden said, a red blush taking over. “Don’t fuck with me. I’m here to catch up and find some shit to do.”
“Ask Alchan or Luykas about finding any crafters or other non-combatants among the new males from Elliar. That would be great for you while you’re off fighting duty.” Mat grinned back. “We’re going to check on the females and children. Mave is going to start spending more time with them again.”
“Ah, joy,” Rain said, laughing as he pulled his father around them. “You both have fun. I’m going to give this old man some busy work.”
Zayden’s face screamed for help. Mave left the building, chuckling to herself.
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