I was unprepared for a proposal so soon, and before I could ask him for some time to consider, I simply refused.
And that was when I ran. I couldn’t bear to look at him. I couldn’t bear the fact I had outright refused him.
Gasping for breath, I slowed my frantic steps as I reached the river. My feet had unknowingly carried me all the way here, and I found myself standing at the garden where I had met Colonel Strickland that afternoon I had been painting.
The sound of the rushing river was soothing to my frantic heart, though for the first time, I sensed turmoil in it, almost as much as I felt in my own heart.
I found my way to a bench along the pathway where there weren’t too many other people walking. I needed space. I needed the air.
I needed to think.
“Miss Amelia.”
My heart jumped, and I turned around to see the colonel standing just off to the side, his own chest rising and falling in rapid succession.
Had he chased me all the way here?
“Colonel…” I said, getting back to my feet, though I was somewhat unsteady.
“No, please,” he said. “Do not get up for me.”
Slowly, I lowered myself back down onto the bench.
He walked around toward me, his eyes downcast toward the ground.
“Miss Amelia… I must know,” he said, his voice so low I could hardly hear him over the rushing waters. “Why did you refuse?”
I did not know how to respond. Fear gripped my heart, just as it had in the parlor.
“Please…” the Colonel said. “I wish to know what it was that has made you so unhappy. Was it my aunt? Was it something I said?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No.”
“Then what is it?” he asked. “Because to be perfectly honest, I am quite confused. I was under the impression that you had feelings for me as well. What happened?”
I looked up at him. “Colonel, there is still a great deal I do not know about you. And I cannot marry you until I know the truth.”
He seemed startled by that. “The truth?” he asked. “About what?”
I took a deep breath, knowing that now was the time to obtain the answers I sought. “I have heard on several occasions now that your discharge from the military was a dishonorable one,” I said. “Not only from your aunt this afternoon, but also from those in your family who have told me the same.”
“Who is spreading these rumors?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.
I looked away. “I do not wish to betray their confidence.”
“I should like to know who in my family has the audacity to say such things,” he said.
“Is it true?” I asked, looking up at him.
He hesitated, holding my gaze for but a moment before he turned and walked a few steps away. His hands were planted on his hips, and it was clear he was struggling.
“Were you dishonorably discharged?” I asked.
He rubbed his hands over his face before wheeling around and walking back to me. “Yes,” he said with a nod. “I was discharged, but it was due to a discrepancy between a superior officer and myself.”
“What sort of discrepancy?” I asked.
It was clear he did not wish to speak of these things.
“Colonel, how can I know the truth if you are unwilling to share it with me?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yes, I know…” he said. “But you must forgive me for what I am about to tell you, for it will not be an easy tale to tell.”
Fear trickled over me.
“I was serving in Spain at the time. This could not have been six months ago. We had been there for many weeks, fighting in odd skirmishes, doing our best to protect the civilians in the towns around us. It was not their fault that our countries had decided to go to war and they were in the way.”
He looked down at the bench, gesturing to it. “May I?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said, moving over on the bench to make more room for him.
He took a seat beside me and continued on with his tale.
“It was late one night, and most of my men were celebrating Boxing Day with some rations they had been saving for a decent meal. Everything seemed quiet…” he said.
That haunted expression came over his face once more, and his gaze became distant.
“I was on watch, staring out over an open field on the outside of town. One of our strictest rules was that we were not allowed to leave our posts, or camp, for that matter, without being given permission by our superior officers. Our primary objective as colonels was to ensure the safety of our men and the success of our missions. That night, though, everything changed.”
I felt a chill crawling up my arms as I watched him.
“In the distance, I heard a horse approaching, its rider carrying a single lantern. It was from another patrol several miles away. They brought orders to us,” he said.
His hands curled into fists in his lap.
“They were terrible,” he said. “I read them with my officers, and we were commanded to enter a town the following morning and search for the French soldiers who had taken shelter in the nearby town. We were instructed to kill without mercy, as many of those in the town were accomplices to the French soldiers’ hiding. And according to my superiors, that meant they were worth as much as the French soldiers were, which was as good as dead.”
He shook his head, and I realized his shoulders trembled, as well.
“I outright refused the order, knowing that it would have caused hundreds of civilian casualties among the Spanish locals. I was not going to be a participant in such cruel tactics. The French soldiers needed to be discovered, but I did not believe the mindless killing of all those civilians would have done anything except ensure the Spanish no longer trusted us. I wrote back to command, letting them know I would not be following through.”
He reached up and wiped his eyes. I realized that he was crying.
“My superiors appeared two mornings later. They took me and tied me up in my tent and ordered my men to follow through with the orders anyways,” he said, shaking his head. Sorrow had replaced the fear in his gaze. “I still hear their screams in my dreams. I can smell the smoke of the fires that my own men lit, the flames that lit their homes on fire, not caring if they were innocent or not.”
Horror washed over me at his tale. No wonder he seemed as devastated as he was, and it was clear that I had seen the torment in his eyes correctly. He was indeed haunted by a dark, shadowed past.
“They discharged me soon after,” he said, wiping his hands and gathering himself. “They stripped me of my rank and dragged me back to England, where I was to stand before the generals and face discharge. I was not to inherit any of the wealth I was meant to have, and that meant I would have no future in the military. I would no longer be able to have any association with them, and I would never be allowed to join again—not that I wished to. Not after I saw the monsters that some of those men become during times of war.”
There was a hard edge to his words that I had never heard before.
“Though, there is one part of the rumor that I suppose is not true. Even though many people think I was dishonorably discharged, I was not. Otherwise, I would be unable to keep my title of colonel, even if that is all I have.”
“How terrible,” I said, laying a hand over my heart. “Colonel, I am very sorry that I listened to those rumors. If I had known… If I had even an inkling—”
“It matters not,” he said. “I have not spoken of it to anyone apart from you, Miss Amelia.”
“But why?” I asked. “If you were to tell them your story, then surely they would all realize that you did the right thing. What a terrible thing for those men to ask you to do.”
“That was precisely my thought,” he said. “Which is why I refused. The only consolation I have is that those innocents’ blood is not on my hands. They will have to stand in judgement one day and answer for their choices. I shall have a clean slate.”
<
br /> I nodded.
We sat in silence for some time with nothing but the sound of the river between us.
“I have heard these rumors many times,” he said.
“Why have you not corrected them?” I asked. “A great deal of your reputation could have been saved.”
“I was told not to speak of it,” I said. “I would be shaming the military, and it would give those I told a poor representation of the army.”
“But it’s the truth,” I said.
“Perhaps for those I served under,” he said. “By all accounts, I deserved to be discharged. I disobeyed a direct command, whether or not I did right or wrong. And who would the generals believe? Me, a lowly colonel? Or my superiors who have much greater influence?”
I understood. There was a great deal more now that I felt I understood about him, and for the first time in days, my heart felt peace.
“I keep reminding myself that I know the truth, and that is all that matters,” he said. “Though it certainly can be quite lonely when I was the only one aware of it. Even my aunt, who I am certain believed me when I told her I was not dishonorably discharged, seems to have begun to believe the rumors. She has asked me what could have possibly happened that allowed me to be discharged so few years after joining up in the first place. She suspects it was something I did wrong, as well, and to her, that is enough to bring dishonor on the family, it seems.”
“She is wrong, though,” I said. “And I am certain she knows that deep down.”
“Perhaps…” he said. “Well, now you know the truth. I am a wounded, broken man. I was a fool to think that I could hide my past from someone like you. You deserve a man who has not suffered so much, Miss Amelia. My apologies for wasting your time.”
He began to rise from his spot on the bench, but I reached up and grabbed onto his sleeve, stopping him.
“Wait,” I said. “Please.”
16
He stopped and looked down at me, his blue eyes wide. “Wait?” he asked. “But why?”
“I…” I said, my heart in my throat. “I don’t want you to go.”
He studied my face and slowly sat back down beside me.
I felt my own eyes welling with tears. I lamented the experiences he had gone through. I suffered in my heart for him having to go through something so tragic. He had seen the very pits of the human depravity and had walked away bruised and broken.
“I cannot imagine what you have had to suffer,” I said, the tears threatening to cascade over onto my cheeks. “You have seen death and have seen tragedy, something so terrible that no one should ever have to see,” I said.
“It’s quite all right,” the Colonel said gently. “Please, you do not need to cry for me, Miss Amelia.”
My heart tugged as he said my name. “I have been foolish,” I said, the tears coming earnestly now. “Ever since I met you, I have been afraid of losing you. I’ve been afraid that you would leave, that I would never see you again. When you went to Bristol, I was heartbroken. I thought for certain I would never see you again.”
“But I promised I would come back,” he said. “I wanted to. For you.”
That made the tears fall harder and faster. “Colonel, I have never wanted someone the way I want you, and it has eaten me up since we first met. I have struggled with fear and doubts, but also hope and joy. I have never known these feelings so purely, so strongly, and now I could possibly lose you, and it is all because of my own choices.”
“No, Miss Amelia,” he said in a soothing tone. “No, you have not lost me. I am here, I have not gone anywhere.”
“Sir, I was terribly selfish,” I said. “Through all of this, I thought only of myself. Of what I might endure if anything were to happen between us. I feared that you had made some terrible choices. In my heart, I wondered if you were not unlike those men who had given you that terrible order.”
His face fell, almost as if I had struck him. “I understand why you might think that, given the rumors you have heard.”
“But I was wrong,” I said. “And I should have known from the beginning. I should have trusted myself about you, instead of listening to all of those around me. I feared you might be troubled and that our marriage might be rather difficult, especially if you have given into temptations to stop the pain.”
“I shall not lie and say that I have not seen men go that way,” he said. “Too many good men have been lost to the bottle or to the vices of money. But I always hoped for something more, and when I found you, Miss Amelia, I knew that there was nothing in the world that could hurt me again. I felt as if I had found the reason for all the terrible things I had gone through. If I had known, back on that battlefield, that soon enough I would be meeting a woman who was beyond compare, then I would have toughed it out and endured it, all for your sake.”
I could not quell the tears. They came hot and fresh, staining my cheeks and the front of my dress. “Colonel…” I said.
“Miss Amelia, from the moment we met at my aunt’s party, you have had my heart. As soon as I saw you, I knew that I wanted to know you. I had to. I must,” he said.
“But, I… I can offer you nothing,” I said, my breathing coming in sharp bursts. I was unable to control the emotions flooding through me. I could not stop them.
“That matters not,” he said.
“I am the daughter of a minister,” I said. “I shall have no inheritance. My cousin is to inherit everything when my father passes, and my only hope is to find someone who will marry me for the love I can give them alone.”
“And I shall do just that,” he said, taking both my hands in his. “Miss Amelia, do you not see? I care not about what you will offer. We will make a way.”
“But how?” I asked, sobbing. “Your aunt said that you were to inherit nothing as well.”
He grinned, and my heart skipped. It was the same playful grin I had come to know, and it was enough to slow my tears, my eyes widening.
“My aunt may know a great deal, but she does not know everything,” he said. “There is another member of my family who has taken pity on me. My uncle on my father’s side, who is a baron. He also served in the military, and one afternoon confronted me about my actions. I told him what I felt I could, but he understood at once. It was then that he told me that he was in need of someone to manage one of his properties. He said it would be a way for me to make some income. It would not be nearly as much as I had made in the military, but it would certainly be enough to support a family and live somewhat comfortably.”
My heart leapt. Could it be true?
“All is not lost,” he said, reaching up and wiping some of the tears from my eyes. “So… Miss Amelia, I feel as if I must ask you once more. Given the knowledge you now possess, and knowing that you have my heart—and knowing that I could not imagine being with anyone apart from you—if I were to ask you once again to marry me, what would you say?”
I threw back my head and laughed. It was too good to be true, all of it.
The colonel was indeed troubled by his past, but it was because he was a good man with a good heart. He had stood up for what was right, even if he was punished for it. If that did not prove his character to me, then I was certain nothing else could. Not only that, but he truly and deeply cared about me, and it was not on some superficial level, either.
And perhaps greatest of all, he knew the truth about me and still accepted me. Still loved me. He could have turned away from me at that moment, and I had been quite frightened that he would.
But he had not and had once again offered me his hand in marriage, a chance that should have only happened once.
I smiled at him, wiping the fresh tears that had formed in my eyes. No longer sad tears or tears of fear, but genuine tears of joy.
“Yes, Colonel,” I said, beaming from ear to ear. “It would be my honor to marry you.”
In one fell swoop, he stood and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in close to him and spinning me around in a circle. He la
ughed heartily, as if he no longer carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
When he returned my feet to the ground, he smiled down at me.
“You have just made me, perhaps, the happiest man to ever have lived,” he said.
I laughed.
“And to think…” he said, smiling even more broadly. “It all started with a painting.”
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