I lean forward and give Josh a long, deep kiss. I press my whole body against him. You’re mine, I tell him with my body. When I pull away, he’s breathless and staring at me like he did last night. He loves me. He loves me.
‘I can’t wait,’ he whispers in my ear. His voice is deep, his breath warm. The skin round my ear tingles.
We really are invincible, I think. Nothing, and no one, can get in our way.
‘Neither can I,’ I whisper back.
After my chat with Josh, I have a brilliant afternoon in lessons, and even come up with a plan for tonight. ‘I need your help,’ I tell Fi on the phone as I walk out of school. I smile down the speaker so that it comes out friendly. Fi can’t know that I don’t trust her. This, me asking her for help, is a test. But I’d also really like her help. Let’s see.
‘Ahhh,’ she says. ‘I knew it was only a matter of time. And what the hell is up with you anyway? I’ve been trying to get hold of you since yesterday! You’ve been ignoring my calls, haven’t you?’
I keep smiling. It’s not exactly hard: I’m buzzing. In art this afternoon, Mr Butler apologized for suggesting I’d been cheating. Said he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Apparently, a piece I did in class under timed conditions was brilliant. He’d be calling home to apologize to Mum and Dad too, he said, and explaining that, considering everything, it’s OK if I have bad days. He also said that Miss Taylor had spoken to him AND that it’s OK about Akash helping: he’s my brother and he always will be. But maybe I should get some counselling?
I didn’t really understand that last bit, but the rest left me on a high. I’m feeling pretty GREAT.
‘You’re right,’ I joke. ‘I can’t live without you, Fi!’ I hope it comes out friendly and not sarcastic. ‘But I’m not ignoring you. Things have just been pretty … intense … at home.’ It’s not exactly a lie.
‘But that’s why I was calling, Neens! I saw your mum leaving school yesterday. She’s pregnant? Why didn’t you tell me? And what the hell is that all about? Are you OK about it?’
I stop walking. Fi knows! She thinks it’s just as weird as I do. I could talk to her; she might make me laugh about it and I might even feel better. But no, I can’t trust Fi. I need to remember that. And then I see what she’s doing. She’s trying to trick me. She wants me to think about the baby. She wants to snatch away the happiness I am feeling right now.
I laugh down the phone. ‘You’ve got it wrong,’ I say. ‘Mum’s just … She can’t stop eating … you know … since everything.’ The best part of this is that it’s not an absolute lie. Mum’s about twice the size she was a year ago. Even before the baby, she’d put on a ton of weight. Her stomach is so flabby that you can’t even tell she’s pregnant, to be honest.
‘Oh!’ Fi says. ‘I thought I saw her rubbing her belly, like she was pregnant!’
‘Well, she was probably just hungry …’
Fi goes silent. She doesn’t know what to say. One point to Neena Gill.
‘Anyway,’ I add quickly, before I lose my nerve, ‘my favour?’
She sighs. ‘Tell me, Neens. What can I do? Your wish is my command.’
Is she being sarcastic now? I need to be extra sweet to get her onside.
‘I’m going to come out with you all tonight,’ I tell her. ‘It’s been ages since we’ve spent any time together.’ And then I add: ‘Josh asked me.’ I can’t help it. And here’s the bit I genuinely need her help with: ‘But I need a cover story. And a dress.’
She shrieks down the phone. ‘Oh, I’m so glad, Neens!’
Fake, fake, fake.
‘Dress I can totally sort. I’ve got this little black one that will look stunning on you. Cover – what you thinking?’
‘Well …’ I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon. ‘Raheela’s house is the only place my parents will let me stay the night. Do you think you could … maybe ask her to cover for me?’
‘Me? Ask Raheela? I … I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be better coming from you?’
I knew it. She doesn’t really want to help me. She doesn’t want me there! But she’s not getting off that lightly.
‘It’s just … she won’t listen to me, Fi,’ I explain. ‘But it’s the only way I can go out … Please?’
‘I really want to help you!’ Fi says. The liar. ‘But I honestly think this would be better coming from you. I mean, I don’t even really know her …’
I feel crushed. But Fi not helping is just making me more determined to go tonight. She’s failed the test: I can’t trust her around Josh. ‘Fine,’ I say, all sickly sweet. ‘No worries. I’ll let you know the details, but I’ll definitely see you tonight!’
‘Cool,’ Fi says, all fake right back at me.
I’m about to hang up – I’m so annoyed with her – but I quickly add: ‘Do you have any new leads, Fi? Something from Jay, perhaps?’ My heart beats fast with desperation and I hold my breath. But she explains that she has nothing new, and that she’s still working on Jay. These things take time, she tells me, like she always does.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I say, though I don’t believe her any more.
When I hang up, I see that I have twenty missed calls from Dad. Twenty! Wow, they really are trying to track my every move! I quickly push my phone back into my bag. I can’t even think about all that right now.
I’m shaking. I don’t know what to do about tonight. I can’t leave Fi alone with Josh. I have to go. But how? The ground sways. People whoosh past me. The traffic on the road seems super fast. Everything’s suddenly in a major rush, even more than usual. A weird buzzing sound vibrates in my ears. I feel dizzy. What’s going on?
I sit on the wall outside school and rest my head back on the rails. I’ll just stay here until the buzzing and spinning stops. Until the world steadies itself again. But time ticks on and the world doesn’t still. It gets faster. The sun is hot on my face. I breathe in the smell of the nearby bushes. And, as I watch everyone walk home from school, chatting and laughing, I miss Akash so much. We used to walk home together.
My chest hurts. I wish he was here with me right now. He’d know exactly what to do about tonight. I feel a sudden surge of anger towards him. He’s been helping me with my paintings and I know he’s nearby but why is he hiding?
I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him.
‘Akash,’ I say, looking up at the sky. ‘I need you. I need you to tell me what to do.’
My phone buzzes in my hand. A message from Fi flashes across the screen.
Just be honest with Raheela. Tell her how much tonight means to you.
I can’t trust Fi – I know that – but I actually think she might be having a moment of kindness and that she’s right. Because what else can I do? I peer back up at the clouds and take a long, deep breath. And then there he is! Akash! I stare at him, his face, there in the clouds. I don’t say all the things I really want to say –
I’m going to have a new brother.
What if I forget you?
I wish you were here.
I don’t tell him how devastated I am that Mum and Dad are trying to replace him. I want to protect him from that. I don’t want him to feel like I do. Alone.
‘Is it really you?’ I ask, my eyes filling.
‘Yes,’ he says, and his voice is so clear, so deep and warm, that I have no doubt it’s him. The clouds move as he smiles.
‘Why are you up there? Can you come down?’ I ask him.
‘I will,’ he says. ‘Be patient.’
And then we laugh because patience was never my strong point.
Another sharper sound of laughter pierces the air. I pull my eyes away from Akash’s face in the sky to see what’s going on. Some people are walking past. Two guys.
It’s him! He’s here! Just metres away. His pale brown skin and dark hair.
‘Akash!’ I call out. I jump to my feet and run towards him. The guys turn round – but he doesn’t look like Akash.
‘Oh, it
’s not you’. Akash has darker skin. His eyes are bigger and shinier. He has different teeth.
‘Er … you OK?’ the guy says, glancing at his friend.
I edge backwards, back towards the wall, and they carry on walking. I look up at the piercing sky again, back up at Akash. But he’s not there any more and the sky is so bright that I have to look away.
He’s gone. Akash has gone.
‘Will Raheela help me?’ I whisper, not expecting a reply.
And then, although I can’t see his face in the clouds any more, Akash says: ‘Yes, she will.’
And my heart lifts and lifts and I feel even more joy than I did this afternoon.
Although I can’t see him in the sky now, my brother is near.
I’m grinning as I knock on the door to Raheela’s house. She’s going to help me. My brother said so. Raheela opens the door and stares at me. ‘Neena!’ Her eyes are wide. ‘A baby? I can’t believe it!’
I stop smiling. ‘What?’
‘Your mum?’ she says. ‘Having a baby! You didn’t tell me. I know we haven’t been speaking, but something like this …’ She steps outside and puts her arms round me. Squeezes hard. She’s surprisingly strong for such a small person. ‘This is crazy!’ she goes on. ‘What do you think of it all?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, wondering how she knows about the baby. Maybe Mum and Dad have decided it’s time to tell their friends. But none of that matters. What matters is that she helps me. So far, she’s being the most friendly she’s been in months, so I’m feeling even more hopeful.
She hugs me again. ‘Well, are you OK? Is this why you’ve been acting so weird?’
‘Weird?’ Have I been acting weird?
‘Forget all that though – I’m here for you,’ she says. ‘We literally just heard the news.’
‘Is that her?’ Aunty Ruby calls from inside. And then she’s standing behind Raheela. ‘Oh, Neena! I’m so glad you’re here.’ I look up at her. She’s extremely tall and has big white teeth, but she has one of the gentlest voices ever. Her wavy hair falls right down to her waist like a waterfall. ‘Are you all right? Come in, come in. There’s nothing to worry about.’ She tugs at my arm, pulls me into the hallway.
The house smells of coconut hair oil, like it always has. I’ve missed this smell; it reminds me of long summers playing in the paddling pool in the garden and chatting with Raheela far into the night. Aunty Ruby always let us go to bed late.
Now she sits me down on the red velvet sofa and pushes something cold into my hands. It looks like lemonade. I can’t remember the last time I drank anything and I gulp it all down in one go. She sits on a chair opposite me, smiling nervously.
‘More?’ she asks, looking at me, but waving her hand at Raheela. ‘Get some more lemonade, sweetie.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I’m fine, thank you.’
‘Something to eat?’ she asks.
I shake my head again. ‘Not hungry,’ I tell her. I haven’t been hungry for weeks and weeks. But then I guess that’s what love does to you. Josh. Love. I try to focus. I’m here because I need to talk to Raheela about seeing Josh this evening.
‘I was just explaining to Raheela that I have to work tonight,’ Aunty Ruby says. ‘I am sooooo sorry. Really. But it is an emergency – one of the other carers is in hospital. I’ve cooked food so you can help yourselves. And, in case of any emergencies, the number for the nursing home is on the fridge.’
I must look really confused because Raheela says: ‘Are you OK, Neens?’
‘I have no idea what either of you are talking about,’ I confess.
They look at each other. ‘Oh,’ Aunty Ruby says. ‘Haven’t you spoken to your dad? You know about your mum? Isn’t that why you’re here?’
I shake my head. Is this why he’s been trying to call me? About Mum? Oh God, something awful has happened, hasn’t it?
‘I … I just came to see Raheela,’ I explain weakly.
My breath is tight in my chest. I look around for Akash, hoping he might be here, to help me with whatever bad thing they’re talking about. But he’s not. He never did like Aunty Ruby much, said she was nosy, so I’m not exactly surprised.
Aunty Ruby comes to sit next to me. ‘Oh, don’t look so worried!’ she says. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ She pats my knee.
I take a small breath.
‘Your mum’s in hospital; they’re checking the baby. These things happen sometimes.’
My heart thumps against my chest. As I’m trying to get my head round what she’s saying, my phone buzzes. Dad. I look up at Aunty Ruby, who nods at me sympathetically. ‘Speak to him,’ she says, then she ushers me up the stairs, into Raheela’s room.
My heart is beating crazy fast as I sit down on Raheela’s pink bedspread. A thick lump is blocking my throat and I want to cry. But I force myself to answer the phone.
‘Hi, Dad.’ My voice is small.
‘Neena!’ Dad’s breathless. ‘I’m so sorry – I didn’t call during the day because I didn’t want to worry you at school. And then I couldn’t get hold of you. Are you back from school now?’
My heart thumps in my chest. ‘Yes,’ I manage to say.
‘Mum’s waters have broken early, so we’re at the hospital. It happened first thing this morning. She’s in with the consultant now.’
I try to think back to this morning. That’s why the house was so quiet. I can’t believe I’m only finding out now.
‘We were hoping it was a false alarm,’ Dad continues. He sounds nervous.
Shivers run down my neck. This is my fault. The stress of yesterday has caused this. ‘Is Mum OK?’ I manage to ask.
‘Yes,’ Dad says, and I breathe. ‘But it looks like the baby’s coming early.’ There’s a hint of excitement in Dad’s voice now. ‘He’s coming, Neena. Your baby brother’s coming.’
‘Will you call him Akash?’ I blurt out, and it’s like someone else is speaking, someone inside me who isn’t me but has my voice.
‘What? What did you say?’
I try to find myself again, through all that I’m feeling. ‘Nothing.’
He’s silent for a few seconds and then he continues. ‘They’re giving Mum steroid injections to try to develop the baby’s lungs. Twenty-six weeks is very early. Will you pray, Neena? That everything goes smoothly? I’m going to stay with her, but I’ll try to keep you updated –’
‘Shall I … come to the hospital?’
‘No, no,’ Dad says. ‘Try not to worry – and keep up with your schoolwork. I’ve arranged for you to stay with Aunty Ruby and Raheela. Just get your stuff together and call Ruby when you need picking up. She’ll collect you. And please, just pray.’
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He’s arranged for me to stay here tonight? So that’s what Aunty Ruby was talking about! A sudden, sneaky, awful thought occurs to me. If Aunty Ruby is working, that means it’ll be just Raheela and me. I couldn’t have planned this any better myself.
‘So you’ll stay at the hospital tonight?’ I ask, just to be sure. And then I add: ‘I’ll pray.’
‘Yes. Will you be OK?’ he says. ‘Ruby will look after you.’
‘Of course,’ I say. ‘I’ll head to Aunty Ruby’s now.’ I feel horribly guilty about tricking them like this, but it quickly passes. I think about Akash, and how they’re replacing him … No. Let them worry about this baby. I don’t want to think about it.
Raheela is going to cover for me. That’s what Akash said. And I’m optimistic that he’s right. I can trust Raheela.
I’m going to meet Josh in town tonight.
I’m going to make sure Fi can’t get to him.
And I have a brilliant, bright feeling that Akash will be there.
I wasn’t there the night he disappeared, but I’ll be there now. I’ll make everything up to him.
Town’s buzzing. I hover near the taxi stand as I wait for Josh, watching cars pull up to the kerb and groups of people spilling out of them. The air’s
warm. Electric. Music’s blaring out of bars, and chatter and laughter bursts around me. I catch the smell of perfume. Strong aftershave. Chips soaked in vinegar. And I’m so glad to be here that I feel light and free. But I’m also nervous. There’s no sign of Josh yet.
My skin’s prickling all over and I fiddle with the golden bracelets on my arms to distract myself as I try not to check my phone again. He said 9 p.m. and it’s now at least twenty past. I try not to worry. Akash never worried about the time. He was too cool for that.
Akash.
Is he here yet? I peer around but I can’t see him. I feel a bit deflated. I’m so desperate to see him now, and I’m also hoping that, when Fi sees Akash, she’ll forget about Josh. We all know that Akash is the person she really wants. Why isn’t he here yet? But then I laugh to myself. Of course he isn’t here: he was always late for everything!
A guy wearing ripped baggy jeans and a vest top walks past me. He smiles. He has tattoos all up his arms and his eyes are twinkly. I smile back at him. Do I know him? But then his eyes move down my body and stare at my legs a bit too long. And I think no, I don’t know you. And I don’t like the way you’re looking at my legs.
Where is Josh?
I pull my dress down a bit, wondering if I should have worn it. It’s black, strapless, short. I’ve never worn anything like it, but Fi brought it over once Raheela’s mum had left for work and made me try it on. She said I looked amazing in it. I wasn’t sure whether to trust Fi, but then I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like Fi. I looked like someone who might have a cute boyfriend. I looked like the other girls from school. I didn’t look like Neena Gill, and I was happy about that.
Raheela wasn’t sure about the dress; she didn’t want me to go out clubbing. But, once I explained about Fi trying to get Josh, she softened a bit. ‘I need this,’ I told her, and when I pressed my head against her shoulder I cried into it. She hugged me back and her eyes filled too. ‘Fine,’ she said, ‘but just this once.’ Then she marched over to her wardrobe and pulled out the red heels she wears to family parties. ‘Here, do it in style and please don’t get caught.’
The Million Pieces of Neena Gill Page 15