‘Yeah!’ I shout back, pretending. ‘Great!’ This is not the glamour I expected a club to have. I think Fi has been lying to me about a lot of things.
‘Told you we’d get in,’ she says. ‘We look at least twenty.’
‘Sure!’ I say. But I know that’s not true either.
My stomach suddenly rumbles and I smell Mum’s food. Fresh, grassy coriander. Fried onions. Sweet garlic. I look back towards the stairs we just came down. Is she here?
There’s no one there. I shake my head. Of course she’s not here! I’m being ridiculous. Mum’s in hospital, having a baby.
My brother.
No. I already have a brother. Akash. Where is he?
Josh and Chris barge their way to the bar and buy shots of sambuca for us all, a bottle of wine for Fi and me to share and pints of cider for themselves. We down the sambucas. I pour myself a glass of wine and down that too. It tastes off, like it’s been open too long, almost salty. But it’s better than the taste of blood in my mouth, which is still lingering.
‘You OK?’ Fi asks, grabbing the bottle from me. ‘Slow down a bit! You’re swaying!’
My head is spinning but it’s just the music. I frown at her. ‘Why’s everyone always telling me what to do?’ I shout above the music.
Fi looks hurt. Chris puts his arm round her. That should be Akash’s arm. Fi is a traitor. She’s betraying both Akash and me at once.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, not wanting to cause a scene. I have to be careful. Fi can’t know that I’m on to her now. ‘Look, I’ll be fine. I’ve just got this bad taste in my mouth. Pour me a bit more.’
‘Just take it easy, Neens,’ Fi mumbles as she pours.
‘Hey!’ Josh says. ‘Lighten up, girls. We’re here to have fun.’ He clinks his glass with mine and I try very hard to relax. He smiles. ‘Come on, Neens. Let’s dance!’ And he drags me away from Fi, like he knows she’s up to no good.
Josh. I can trust Josh. He loves me.
The dance floor is packed. My eyes lock with Josh’s as we move to the boom-boom boom-boom of drum and bass. Our drinks spill from our glasses. We move closer to each other. Our bodies touch. I’m breathless.
He puts our half-drunk glasses on the side, and then his hands are on my waist, up my sides, in my hair. He kisses my neck, my mouth. I kiss him back.
The metallic taste in my mouth disappears. I taste Josh. Cider. Lemon. That sweet taste of apples he always has. We move off the dance floor and lean against the wall. I close my eyes as he kisses my ear.
I see us lying in Josh’s bed, close, warm, the duvet wrapped tight round us.
I see Mum propped up in a hospital bed, Dad beside her, holding her hand.
I see Akash sprawled across his bed, headphones on, feet tapping to the beat of the music he’s listening to, a smile plastered across his face.
Is Akash at home?
A razor-sharp pain buzzes through my temples. I open my eyes. Josh is holding my hands, smiling. When did we move away from the wall?
The club is brighter than it was earlier. Lights flash over the dance floor. The music’s changed and is faster, lighter. Behind Josh, I see Fi dancing with Chris. I spot people I recognize from school dancing round Fi as she glides elegantly in and out of his arms.
My eyes ache. My head spins. I think I want to go home.
Mum. She’s in hospital and the baby’s coming. I need to know if she’s OK. I need to call her. I pull my phone out of my bag.
‘You OK?’ Josh shouts above the music.
I shake my head. ‘I need to call my mum.’ But then I realize I can’t call her because she’ll know I’m out in town. She’ll hear the music. They’ll know I’ve lied. They’ll find out about Josh. They’ll take me to Pakistan immediately. I push the phone back into my bag. My hands are shaking. I’m trapped again.
‘Neens?’ Josh puts his arms round me.
‘I’m OK.’
But I’m not OK. I’m sweating. Dizzy. It’s all the lights. They’re too bright. Too hot. I sweep my hair up and tilt my head back, trying to breathe, but what I see stifles my breath even more. We’re standing under a CCTV camera.
I peer up at it and swallow. What if Mum and Dad are watching me through it? They might be checking up on me from hospital.
I stare at Josh. ‘We need to get away from here,’ I say, pulling him away from the dance floor. My heart’s racing now. My chest is tight. There’s not enough air.
We find an empty spot in a dark corner. ‘You’re shaking, Neens,’ Josh says, anxious. ‘What’s wrong?’
I check for cameras, but can’t see any here. I hold on to him tightly. ‘Nothing. We’re safe now.’
Something bumps into us. We turn to see an older Asian guy glaring at us. For a moment, I think it’s Dad, but it’s not. This guy has bad acne and he’s much bigger than Dad.
‘You all right there, mate?’ Josh says, pulling me close to him. He seems suddenly taller, broader.
The guy stares at me. His eyes are like fire, rings of red round the white. His lips are almost black and he’s wearing a red cap. He walks away, but he keeps glancing over his shoulder at me.
My skin burns all over. My chest is far too tight. I need to get out of here.
‘Do you know him or something?’ Josh asks.
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. I … I need some air.’ I try to walk but stumble instead.
Josh grabs my arm. ‘Whoa there, steady. Let’s get you some water.’
I shake my head. ‘No. Air. I need air.’ My chest is getting tighter and tighter.
That Asian guy is still looking at me. He’s standing on the dance floor, staring. Not even hiding it. Just staring.
He knows Dad. He knows Dad. He knows Dad.
My scalp tingles. My fingertips go numb. My throat tightens. There’s just not enough air.
‘What’s happening?’ I say, grabbing Josh’s arm. ‘I can’t breathe.’
We sway through the crowd. Josh’s arm is round me. I lean into him, press my face against his soft cotton shirt.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
But I can’t breathe. I’ve got pins and needles in my feet. The music’s too loud; my ears are ringing. My palms are sweaty, my back, my neck. I’m dripping with sweat. I glance up – the Asian guy’s still staring at me.
I realize that it’s Jay. Is it?
I step towards him, hoping he’s come to tell me what he knows about where Akash might be. But his face is so cruel that I know that’s not what’s going on here. And I realize the truth: I kissed Jay. I cheated on Josh. Josh is going to find out.
I get it now. Fi has invited Jay here. She knows about the kiss and she wants Josh to find out too. I’ve fallen into her trap. My chest gets even tighter. Pain shoots through it and up into my neck. I grab hold of Josh.
Am I dying? Is this what it feels like? Because maybe I deserve to die.
I’m a cheat. Josh loves me but I cheated on him.
‘What is it, Neens?’ Josh says, shaking my arm.
I close my eyes. Concentrate on breathing. ‘Scared,’ I tell him. I’m going to die from not breathing.
‘Don’t be,’ Josh says strongly. ‘I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you.’
I open my eyes and gaze up into Josh’s. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by my feelings for him, so thankful to have him by my side. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t say it back last night,’ I blurt out. ‘But I do love you. I love you too, Josh.’
Josh looks confused. ‘Last night? Say it back?’ He shakes his head. ‘What are you talking about, Neens?’
I frown at him, the buzz of feelings in my belly fading. How could he have forgotten already? ‘The picnic in the park?’ I remind him. ‘When you said you loved me? I should’ve said it back then – I think I was … I was afraid … of ruining the moment or something.’
Josh is staring at me like I’ve got four heads. ‘What? We didn’t go to the park last night! We didn’t have a picnic …’ His voice trails off
and he continues to just stare at me like I’m an alien. ‘You messaged me to meet you at the park, but I was asleep. I didn’t see your message until this morning …’
Now it’s my turn to stare at him. What he’s saying doesn’t make any sense. I can’t quite figure out what’s going on. I know we had a picnic last night. I know he said he loved me. I remember. I remember it all.
‘We did meet – and you definitely said you loved me,’ I tell him firmly.
Josh shakes his head again. ‘No, we didn’t, Neens. And I’ve never said that to you.’
Why’s he lying? He’s looking at me with pity in his eyes. Has he decided he doesn’t love me after all, and so now he’s denying the whole thing? Does he like Fi instead? If that’s what’s going on, I need to know. ‘So you don’t love me?’ I ask, before I lose my nerve.
Josh puts his hands to his head. He looks genuinely confused. ‘No, no, it’s not that. I mean, I do … I do love you … I think … I’ve thought I have for a long time – years even – but I … The picnic, Neens. We didn’t go. And I didn’t say that last night.’
Now I’m really confused. The room spins around me. My thoughts whirl.
Josh loves me. He thinks he’s loved me for years. But we didn’t have a picnic in the park last night?
But I remember meeting him. I can recall how I felt when he kissed me under the moonlight. The taste of spice on his lips. And, this morning, the empty wicker basket was by my bedside. I’d pushed it under the bed when I was tidying up, because I was worried Mum or Dad might find it.
Nothing’s making sense. Josh looks really worried now. And then it dawns on me.
Oh God. Was the basket actually still full? It was quite heavy.
No. It can’t be. Can it? What does this mean? That I imagined it? Dreamed it? No. It was real. I remember. He said he loved me.
‘You’re lying!’ I shout at Josh. ‘I remember. I do!’
I’m shaking hard. Josh pulls me close and I let him because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what to believe.
If that was all a dream, what else was a dream? Is any of this real?
What about Akash? He’s been helping me paint. Talking to me. Was that real?
Where is he? If he’s real, where is he now?
Then over Josh’s shoulder, through the swaying room, I see him. The back of him.
My brother.
All the remaining breath is sucked out of me.
White hoody. White trainers. Jeans. The same clothes he was wearing the last time I saw him. That night.
I grab hold of Josh’s arm. ‘I’ve found him,’ I say. ‘I’ve found my brother!’
‘What? Let’s get you some water.’ Josh puts his arm round me again.
I pull away. ‘No! I need to talk to him.’ But I can’t see him now. He’s disappeared again.
I turn back to Josh. ‘I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him and it’s all your fault.’ People move around us in every direction. I feel dizzy. Lost.
Someone bumps into me so hard that I bounce back against Josh.
‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘Watch it.’ The girl is twice my size. I touch my head, where her bottle of beer hit me.
Josh grabs my arm. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get some air.’
And then I catch a flash of Fi’s red hair as she grabs my arm too and pulls me with Josh. She has one arm; he has the other. I smell Fi’s flowery perfume. Her dress is silky against my arm. Their fingers dig into my skin.
‘You’re hurting me!’ I shout at them, trying to pull away. Fi grabs me even harder.
Tears stir in my throat. ‘Where is he?’ I demand. ‘Where’s my brother?’
‘What?’ Fi says.
‘Let’s get her some water,’ Josh replies.
I shake my head. ‘No! I need to find Akash. I can’t leave him this time.’ I look around, but the place is too crowded. It’s getting more and more crowded by the second.
‘You’ll never find him on your own,’ Josh says. ‘I’ll help you.’
Fi shoots him a look but he glares back at her.
‘I’ll help her look,’ he says, speaking slowly, looking at Fi very closely. ‘If she drinks some water first. Right, Neens? That’s the deal. Let’s go to the bar and get some water. Where’s Chris?’
‘He’s just gone to meet some friends,’ Fi says, unsure. ‘He’ll be back in a bit.’
‘OK, water first,’ Josh says. ‘Then we’ll worry about anything else.’
They lead me to the bar, and I manage to gulp down a whole pint of water. Josh looks happy, but Fi’s pacing in the tiny bit of free space around us.
‘Good,’ Josh says. ‘Now let’s get some fresh air?’
I shake my head. ‘You said you’d help me look for Akash.’
Josh nods. ‘Uh, yeah. OK. Let’s look for him outside.’
‘No way. I’ve had enough of this. I’m taking her home,’ Fi says, looping her arm through mine.
I stagger back. ‘Home? I don’t want to go home!’ Why does no one else understand the urgency here? I have to find Akash!
Fi squeezes my arm, gentle but firm. ‘Neena,’ she says. ‘You’re really wasted.’
Josh tries to take my arm, but Fi puts her hand on his. She and Josh share a look. Her hand grips his for a bit too long. Time slows down and sharp pain buzzes through my chest. I was right.
‘I can see what’s going on,’ I say, looking at Fi.
‘What?’ she says, acting dumb.
‘And you?’ I say to Josh. ‘How could you?’
Josh looks confused. But I understand everything very clearly now. Fi wants me to go home so she can have Josh to herself. She’s sent Chris away too. And that’s why she doesn’t want me to find Akash: she doesn’t want him to see her with Josh. And Josh seems to be helping her – denying he said he loves me, and trying to get me outside too. He must be under her spell.
‘I trusted you,’ I say to her, unable to keep it in any longer. And I think I might be shouting because the whooshing sound in my head is so loud that I can’t hear myself think and my ears are really burning. ‘You’re the only one I trusted, for so long.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Fi says. ‘You can trust me!’
How can she keep on lying? ‘You told Josh to stay away from me! And you’ve been talking to the teachers about me behind my back too. You … you want him to yourself, don’t you? That’s why you invited Jay!’
Fi glances at Josh and then looks back at me. She thinks I can’t see what’s going on. ‘You’re very drunk, Neens,’ she says. ‘I … I did say that to Josh. But only because I was worried about you. And the teachers – they’re worried too. We’re trying to help. And Jay? Is he here? I haven’t seen him. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m honestly just trying to help.’
‘Help?’ I say. ‘If you wanted to help, you’d find Akash. You wouldn’t be cheating on him with Chris!’
Fi’s eyes fill with tears. She looks really hurt. She’s an excellent actress. That’s when I see that she’s holding Akash’s cap. I snatch it back from her.
‘Why have you got this?’ I ask her. She’s trying to steal it!
‘What? You were wearing it, Neens! You just passed it to me a minute ago! You’ve been wearing it all day!’
I glare at her. She thinks I’m stupid. ‘Why would I give it to you?’
Everything feels too painful and I can’t stand it any more. Everyone’s lying to me. I turn away from Fi and Josh.
I need to find Akash. He’s the only one I can trust.
Suddenly I’m being tugged and pushed and pulled, and it’s Josh and Fi. They’ve got one arm each again. I try to fight them off but they’re too strong. They drag me out of the club. Into the darkness outside. Soft rain falls on us. The ground is wet but the air is warm.
‘What are you doing?’ I shout at them. They finally let go of me.
Fi gives Josh a poisonous stare. ‘What the hell did she have to drink? Did you give her a
nything else?’
‘Nothing! Just that wine. We were dancing …’
Fi rubs her hands over her face. ‘We need to get her home,’ she says. ‘But she can’t go home like this. Raheela will freak! And, if she tells Neena’s parents, they’ll kill her.’
I stare at Fi. ‘That’s it,’ I say. ‘My parents are trying to kill me.’ That explains the cameras inside. And the baby that makes my chest hurt every time I think about him. Everything spins around me even faster now – it’s getting hard to tell which way is up. ‘I have to find my brother. He’s come to save me! I need to find him.’
I try to get back inside, but a huge security guard with an angular face shakes his head at me. ‘Sorry, love,’ he says. ‘You ain’t going back in. You need to sober up.’
‘Neena,’ Fi says, taking my hands in hers. She wipes tears – I didn’t know I was crying – from my cheeks. ‘Look at me.’
I do look at her. At her glossy red hair and lipstick that matches. Her cheeks shimmer like an angel’s though I know she’s the devil. She squeezes my hands. ‘Neena. I love you. Please. Listen to me.’
She’s lying to me again. My brother is the only one who loves me.
I have the sudden urge to paint. I want to be in my room. In front of a blank canvas.
‘But Akash is the one who’s good at art,’ I tell her. ‘He’s brilliant at drawing and painting. Not me.’
Fi’s crying now too but I’m not sure why. Where has Josh gone? ‘Listen to me,’ she says again, sniffing. ‘You’re very drunk. Akash is not here, Neena. Akash is … Akash … he’s gone forever.’
I tug my hands away from hers. ‘Why would you say that? Why are you trying to hurt me?’
‘Listen, Neena,’ she says. ‘Please.’
I shake my head. ‘We went to the library together sometimes. He chose books for me, always ones about being strong. Now Mum’s having a baby and the exams are coming and I’m going to the library to deliver the baby.’
Fi buries her face in her hands. ‘You’re not making any sense. I’m really worried about you.’ She grabs me and hugs me hard.
The Million Pieces of Neena Gill Page 17