by Rosie Miller
“I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t risk you. Not you.”
“Why?”
He grabbed her shoulders tightly, hurting her. “Because I love you.”
She knew he meant it. She could hear the pain and the desire in is voice.
She pressed herself against him—wanting him more than ever. She raised her head and kissed him.
He held her tightly—but shook his head. ”No, we mustn’t.”
She kissed him again, her lips like butterflies across his stubble, his lips.
“I can’t say no to you.” His voice was deep, rough, and his arms were around her now, holding her tightly.
He lowered his head—his mouth was on her. His warm full lips pressed into hers—his sharp teeth nibbled at her lips almost biting her. She opened her mouth.
His hand was on the back of her head, pressing her face against his. His tongue thrust inside her mouth, deep—penetrating. Her lips were crushed against his—bruising as he pressed himself onto her. His other hand gripped her waist and pressed her body against him too. He felt stronger and more powerful than before, and she could feel his anger and the violence underneath his passion.
He pulled away from her then and stared into her face. “But I am saying no.”
“You said you loved me. Did you mean it?”
“Yes. You have no idea how much. And that’s why. I have to protect you.”
“From your brother?”
He nodded. “And from me.”
“And what about what I want?”
He looked down into her face. “It’s not about what you want—or what I want. It’s about what you deserve. You can’t give up the chance of a decent man—a normal life—happiness.”
“And if I chose you?”
“Then you won’t have that—any of it.”
“But it is my choice,” she insisted.
“No—it’s not—not really. Because if you choose me and then can’t handle it, I will have to kill you. And I can’t live with the thought of that. I’d rather never see you again—but know you were out there, somewhere, happy and enjoying life.” He brushed his hand over his eyes and stood up suddenly and rearranged his clothes. “Go to your friend’s place for a while. Lie low. Don’t pick up any strange men.” He flashed a smile at her.
She stood up too. “They don’t get any stranger than you, Jackson.”
It was happening all over again. He’d kissed her and now he was leaving. But she didn’t feel angry—just sad. She could see how painful it was for him. She believed him when he said he loved her. And she believed him when he said he’d kill her.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she was better off out of his crazy world. She would let him go and concentrate on finding a nice, normal ordinary guy who didn’t casually mention he might have to kill her at some point. She’d move on with her life, like he said.
She wandered into the kitchen and poured herself another glass of wine. “You want?” she asked Jackson but he shook his head.
“Oh, by the way. That news—about the land?”
“Yes?” he was alert again, the softness gone.
“Ellie thinks she’s found something—something big.”
“What is it?”
“A new wolf species.”
He froze for a second, staring at her. “I said I didn’t want her looking into that.”
“I know. I told Colin that. But he says she’s got evidence and she can’t sit on it. But it will mean the land will be safe. If it’s the habitat of a new and rare species, there’s no way anyone can touch it, ever.” She was trying to get him to see the positives, but she could tell it wasn’t working. He was angry.
“No. This can’t happen. I told them not to touch that angle.”
“She’s sent the specimens off for DNA testing already.”
“Where? Where did she send it?”
“To a lab, in town somewhere.”
“Which one? What was it called?”
She wondered what difference it could make. It was done now. “I can’t remember. Was it IPC? I think it’s on the edge of town somewhere.”
“Are you sure that was the one?”
She nodded. “Fairly sure. But she’s submitted the samples already. So if they confirm what she thinks, she’ll get it double checked somewhere else and then write a paper and offer it to one of the journals. They think it’s going to be big—really big.”
“You can stop the flooding and the dam without this?”
She nodded. “I think we can put up a good case anyway. Not cast iron, but pretty good.”
“Then keep working on it.”
“But there’s no point—if what Ellie thinks is true.”
“Don’t worry about that. Just keep working on the other angles.”
He took her in his arms and held her tightly, burying is face in her hair.
She let her body mold into his—knowing this was the last time he’d hold her like this. He’d made his feelings clear.
The more Jackson told her, the more she suspected he might be either involved in some serious crime—drug dealing? Organised crime? Or he might actually be crazy. She knew it felt right, being with him. It always had—but maybe that was a trick of her hormones—or just some cosmic joke. Either way, this was the last time they’d be together like this.
“If it could be different…” he spoke softly. “If I could… You’re the one, Justine. The only one.”
She pulled back from him. It was hard, when all she wanted was to stay like that forever—for him to sleep in her bed, wake up with her, spend the rest of his life with her. But this was the end.
“Stay safe,” he said.
“You too.”
After he’d gone, the apartment felt quiet and empty. She started packing up her clothes and a few things into a bag. Then she called Bethany. Even if Jackson was crazy, she’d humor him and spend a few days at her friend’s place. It couldn’t do any harm.
She told Bethany her that Jackson had been over and they’d argued and properly split up and she needed some company for a while. She didn’t mention the crazy brother, or the whole ‘If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.’ Bethany invited her to stay for as long as she wanted.
Justine checked her apartment again. Then she left and locked the door behind her.
Chapter Thirteen
It had been two weeks. She hadn’t seen him or heard from him. She hadn’t even worked on his case. Colin had put that on hold until the samples Ellie had found had been analyzed. She’d tried to tell Colin—again—that the client wouldn’t like it, but he wasn’t listening. Instead he made her work on a case where a campaign group was trying to close down a battery hen farm. It was a good cause—but it didn’t have even a hope of keeping her mind off Jackson.
Eventually she’d come to the conclusion that Jackson was just slightly crazy. He had to be. He obviously believed everything he said to her. He certainly wasn’t a player. And it didn’t seem likely that he was involved in organized crime. He’d have enough money to go to a decent firm if he was—not their own two-bit operation. And the people in his hometown didn’t seem like international criminals—not unless there was a really hot market in old plaid shirts and moonshine that she didn’t know about.
So Jackson had to be crazy. It was the only thing that made any sense. But how could someone so out of touch with reality be so irresistible? They’d ended up kissing almost every time they’d been in the same room. There was something about him that made her want him.
“Justine. Day-dreaming again. What is it this time? Have you got another boyfriend?”
She bridled at the word ‘another.’ Colin was just so annoying. “Actually I was thinking of those poor, poor battery chickens.” She pulled an exaggeratedly sad face.
“Right – yeah. Oh, man, it gets you here.” Colin thumped himself on his chest. “And here.” He tapped his forehead. “And man—it gets you here.” He touched a finger to the corner of his eye.
&n
bsp; Was he actually crying? Whatever—her daydreaming was now classified as exemplary empathizing.
“You know, Justine. When you first started here, I wasn’t sure if you’d fit in—but you’re really becoming one of us.” He smiled at her, revealing his slightly crooked teeth. “You belong here now.”
How could he say that? She was so clearly not one of them. She looked down. She was wearing her flats and some linen trousers she used to wear at the beach, but which seemed to suit this office. She had no nail varnish and only the barest hint of make-up, and she knew her hair was all over the place today. It had looked a mess when she woke up and there hadn’t seemed much point spending hours with the straighteners just to come here.
With a shock, she realized he might be right. She was starting to look as if she fitted in. What would have once barely passed as dress-down Friday clothes on the lowliest intern had become her normal work-wear.
If she turned up at her old office like this, would they even let her in? They’d think she was depressed or addicted or something—and organize an intervention. They’d take her on a forced shopping spree and give her a pity make-over. The office bitches would go into gossip over-drive. She smiled at the thought.
She didn’t miss it anymore. She wasn't even sure she wanted to back to that world anymore. There was something easy and chilled out about being here. And it did feel good to work on something that was worthwhile, not just getting rich people out of scrapes. But if she stayed here much longer, she might never leave.
Colin was still looking at her. She could feel his eyes on her body. “Back to work—these animals won’t free themselves.” She turned back to her monitor and clicked on the job vacancy sites.
“Too right—too right. But hey—me and Ellie and a few others are going to a gig tonight, at the Sunflower Café Bar. Do you know it? There are a few bands playing. Do you want to come?”
“That sounds great. But I want to stay home and work on this. I can’t go out and enjoy myself while there’s all this suffering in the world.”
“Sure, sure. I get where you’re coming from.” He nodded and disappeared back behind his desk.
She wondered if she should feel guilty for lying. But a lawyer who couldn’t lie? It was unthinkable.
She looked at the vacancies. She’d done her time—her penance. Surely she’d suffered enough? She should probably move on. But nothing looked interesting.
Maybe she should think about moving apartments too. She’d been back to her place a couple of times. But the memories of Jackson were overpowering. The strange odor was still there too, making her uneasy.
She’d only stayed there long enough to pick up a few more things and then gone straight back to Bethany’s. Bethany had a spare bed and seemed to like having her there. And it was fun sharing. Perhaps they should look for a place together. But one with good thick walls.
Alistair had been at Bethany’s last night. He had come to pick her up Bethany and then lingered around. Was it because Justine was there too?
It was the first time she’d seen her ex since the night she’d been caught out in the closet with him. He’d not contacted her since. No apology, no ‘I love you but I can’t be with you…’ Nothing. And then a few short months later, here he was, doing it all over again with her replacement—Bethany.
She knew Alistair had been a mistake now—one she should never have been dumb enough to make. But seeing him again had been fine. She had wondered if it would stir up all her emotions again, but it didn’t.
It seemed that one way to take your mind off your mistakes was to go back out there and make an even bigger one.
Even knowing Alistair was coming to pick Bethany up, Justine hadn’t bothered to make herself look good. She actually didn’t care what he thought of her. She didn't even want to make him regret breaking up with her, or to see what he was missing.
Bethany had been watching her too, wondering perhaps if Justine was going to try and claim Alistair back.
When Bethany had opened the door and Alistair had insisted on coming in, Justine was just chilling out on the sofa in her sweatpants. She lifted a hand in a half-hearted wave, but didn’t even really look at him. He seemed so much less interesting than Jackson. Bethany was welcome to him.
John was there too. Justine did sit up then and said hello, so she could get a good look at him. But he just looked normal—a nice-looking, well-dressed ordinary man —who obviously enjoyed making out with his friend’s girlfriend.
They’d not gone straight out, even though that was the plan. Alistair had introduced John to Justine. John had smiled at her in a way that told Justine he knew exactly who she was.
“Why don’t you come out with us tonight Justine?” Alistair asked. “Just for old time’s sake?”
Bethany was shooting daggers at him. She clearly didn’t want Justine anywhere near Alistair.
Justine shook her head. “No, thanks.” She didn’t bother to make an excuse. It was none of his business.
“Come on. It will be fun. We can double-date. We can make up a foursome.”
John laughed as Alistair said that. Bethany and Justine looked at each other. They both knew exactly what kind of foursome Alistair had in mind.
“No. Not interested.” Justine turned away and fixed her eyes back on the television. How could she ever have imagined she was in love with him? And now he was asking her to join him and his friend in some cheap sex party. What would they even do? All make out together? Pair up and then swap partners? Or perhaps both men would take one woman at the same time, and when they’d finished with her, move on to the other one.
Justine couldn’t help thinking about the party she’d seen at the hunting lodge. She thought about it a lot. And every time it made her hot. In fact now—when she touched herself at night—she always imagined she was there at the lodge.
Sometimes she’d be bent over a table with her rear end sticking out, inviting anyone and everyone to take her. One man after another would stand between her legs and grip her hips and plunge his hard cock into her. Sometimes she might be reluctant and shy—but she’d be persuaded to undress gradually, knowing everyone was looking at her. A strange man would kneel between her legs and lick her pussy mercilessly until she came. Other times she imagined it was Jackson making love to her—and his brother too.
She felt ashamed of those thoughts. It seemed disloyal to Jackson—even though she owed him nothing. But she couldn’t seem to stop herself fantasizing about how it would feel to have both him and his brother making love to her at the same time.
Alistair and John had taken Bethany into the bedroom and half-closed the door behind them. Justine could hear Bethany giggling, Alistair’s low murmur and John’s laughter. Then some music went on.
Justine tried not to think what they were doing – but it was hard to keep her mind on the television. She heard the sound of the bed banging against the wall. She could hear Bethany crying out. She tried to close her mind to whatever was going on in there. She turned up the TV. She needed to get out. Perhaps she should go to the Sunflower Café? But the thought of hanging with Colin and Ellie was even worse than staying in and listening to Alistair and John banging Bethany.
They had come out of Bethany’s room after a while. Bethany had looked flushed and embarrassed. John had been smiling, and Alistair looked his usual cool calm self. Had John made out with Bethany while Alistair just watched? But they finally went out, leaving her to chill out in peace.
Justine decided she’d been at Bethany’s long enough. It really was time to look for somewhere new, by herself.
*****
Ellie flew into the office. “It’s gone Colin! It’s all gone!”
Justine looked at her. Was she crying? She was.
Colin leapt up and held out his arms. He never missed an opportunity to give a young female member of staff a supportive hug. He wasn’t quite so ready to comfort the older women or the men.
“What’s happened?” he said, stroking
her back.
“It’s burned down—the whole place. There’s nothing left,” she wailed.
“What? What’s burned down?”
“The lab. Where I sent my samples.”
“Oh my goodness.” Colin looked distraught now too. “In a fire? How does a place like burn down?”
“I don’t know. But it has. It’s completely gutted. All my samples were there. They’ll all have gone Colin.”
“All gone? You didn’t save anything back?”
“They’ve all been destroyed. I just know it.” She buried her face in his slightly grubby shirt, her shoulders heaving.
Justine watched them. She’d comfort Ellie if she could. The poor girl was beside herself. But Justine wasn’t going in for a group hug and giving Colin any excuse to get his hands on her too.
But what bad luck for Ellie. Although Jackson will be pleased. An uncomfortable suspicion was growing in her mind. Was this what Jackson meant when he said he’d take care of it?
“Ellie, what happened at the lab? How did the fire start?” Justine asked.
Ellie blew her nose into a big handkerchief and tucked it back up her sleeve. No one in the office believed in tissues. Even hankies had to be reusable. “They don’t know—but they are saying it definitely looks suspicious.”
Could Jackson have done it? Or was she just jumping to conclusions? “Was anyone hurt?” she asked wondering just how ruthless he could be.
“The security guard’s in hospital. He was knocked out. That’s why they think it was a deliberate fire.” Ellie sobbed again and wiped her nose before continuing. “But who would target that place? It’s not like they test things on animals or get involved in GM crops or anything. They’re good people—ethical scientists.”
“A disgruntled employee,” Justine suggested quickly. “Or an ex-employee, maybe. Or someone who didn’t like the results they got. It could be any one of hundreds of people.” She made herself stop talking. Why was she bothering to try and keep Jackson out of the frame? It was his problem, not hers.