Chapter 7
THE BOONDALL
ENTERTAINMENT CENTRE
As far as Bluey was concerned Saturday the 14th was to be one of the biggest most exciting days of his musical career to date. It was to be a day when he would finally undertake a lifelong dream and ambition, of being able to perform on stage at the Boondall Entertainment Centre. One of the biggest indoor stadiums in Queensland situated just north of the capital city Brisbane. This was the venue where he had watched and learnt so much from the early rock and roll pinup idols, as they performed in front of thousands of young screaming fans. This was where he had fell in love with the idea of becoming a rock and roll singer, of being able to stand up on stage in front of all those young people and give them a performance that they would never forget.
His long career in the music industry had not taken him to the stardom he had eagerly awaited and dreamt of, during those early heady years. Although it had been good to him, he had never been able to climb the ladder of success that would offer him the very large venues that were dotted around the country. Unfortunately, he had become bogged down halfway up, as the couple of records that he had released over the years had never reached the top of any hit parade. Instead, he had been able to attract a fairly large following of dedicated fans that became what was known as a cult following, and that does not usually go hand in hand with hit record success. What success he had enjoyed, ensured that he was able to perform at least five or six nights a week. His music had always been good and to prove the point he had constantly been in demand by other more successful acts touring Queensland, as a support band. The one thing that Bluey had been good at was working up a crowd into fever pitch, so that the top touring bands could walk out on stage to an audience that were already in full swing and in the mood for a good nights entertainment. For this service he had always been paid well by the promoters, even though his name was at the bottom of the promotional posters that were usually plastered all over the city.
Although over the years, his proportion of the evenings taking had steadily declined. Sadly the energy that he packed into each performance was not reaping the rewards he had craved, although he still enjoyed his music trying his hardest to give the audience a first class show he believed they all deserved. He desperately wanted to always be remember for the professionalism of each and every show, and that he was good to the end, not having faded away like so many of the other acts he remembers.
The years of constant playing were beginning to take their toll and Bluey knew that he was slowly coming to the end of his so-called musical career. It was his belief that it would be nice to go out with a bang, and to leave the audience wanting as he had always told everybody.
That morning the band met up with all of the other competitors at Boondall to undertake a sound check for the show that was to take place that evening. The stage had been built at one end of the auditorium while in front of the stage the whole area was decked out with tables and chairs, giving the impression of a very large restaurant scene.
It was a time to check out the opposition, as to what songs they would be singing; along with what clothes they would be wearing onstage. Because the band played most evenings, Bluey had not bothered to work out and practice for the show. He was confident that he could call upon the band to play any songs in their repertoire, and that they would know it inside out. He was more interested to see what the opposition was going to be playing, before he choose his songs, although it would depend as to when the Spawlzoff Brothers were to appear on stage. If they were to go on near the beginning of the show, they would be able to grab some of the other bands thunder, by playing their choice of songs. Likewise if they were at the end, and they thought they could play a better version of a song that their main rivals were playing earlier, well so be it.
However, as all the groups were assemble on the massive stage and introduced to each other, Bluey was surprised to see what a broad selection of bands had been entered into the competition. Consisting of everything from Solo acts to Duo’s, Trio’s and going right up to a nine piece soul band. It also became evident that there were more girls on stage than guys.
One of the guys walked over and introduced himself as Dave, who Bluey immediately recognised as the Police officer who had shut the band down while playing outside the Sexual Exercise Centre. Gee, you scrub up well Bluey exclaimed, and asked what he was doing here, as this was not a karaoke night. Dave explained that the Brisbane police department had entered a Duo called Law and Order and that he was the Order half of the group. They would just be singing along to a pre-recorded tape. Strewth, that’s cheating how the hell do we know that it’s not an official original Rolling Stones backing tape. You don’t said Dave and laughed at them, while referring to Bluey that it was all right for them as they were good enough without the tracks. He then pointed out that the police had also entered a four-piece band called The Bow Street Runners. It being a name that goes back over one hundred and fifty years, and originated in London, as a cockney slang name for the Police. Apparently one of the first police stations was in the London suburb of Bow, and when summoned they came running.
Dave then pointed out a trio of middle-aged females and told him that his band should know them. Bluey shook his head; no never seen them in my life, unless they are the three wise monkeys, See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. They might just as well be, Dave said, they are your three Solicitor friends, who shut you down at the shop. Then pointing to them in turn, he named them as Nora Throsby, Phyllis Thorndike and Betty Trollop, and were entered under that name of Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop. Oh, there the little darlings who don’t like loud music, well we will have to see about that Bluey said. Maybe they should have called themselves the The Three Brass Monkeys, it suites them better, said Nicky.
In trying to beat Bluey at his own game by giving everybody a laugh, Dave started telling them that while he was on duty the other day and parked by the main road, a little old lady had driven past him knitting. Therefore, he jumped in his car and drove at break neck speed to try and catch her up. He then pulled up alongside of the car and shouted over to her, pullover, pullover. With that, she wound down her window and replied no it’s a pair of socks. All those listening had a good laugh having enjoyed the joke.
However, Bluey was not to be left out and started telling them that, he had once heard of a sex pervert who had escaped from the local mental institution. He had then taken refuge in a Laundromat shop and sexually assaulted a couple of the ladies who were inside. The next morning the local newspaper came out with a headline that read, Nut, Screws, Washers, and Bolts. Good job there is not a hardware company in the competition other wised they might have used that headline as a group name Nicky said. He further added that he had once seen a sign above a hardware shop that read, Lost your nut, Want a screw, Then we can help you.
The guy who was organising the event called for a hush and went on to explain a few of the finer points of the evening, although Bluey and the boys did not take too much notice, as they looked over the grandeur of the place. By now the band was beginning to realise that tonight was going to be something special for them, as well as for Bluey. They had got together without Bluey knowing and had decided amongst themselves to pull out all of the stops in an effort that they might win and to help Bluey achieve his lifelong ambition, and anyway it would be a feather in their cap as well.
A very large banner was slowly lowered as a backdrop to the stage, containing all of the company names and logos; many of them were very familiar, being constantly displayed on television each evening. However, right in the middle was a picture of a blow up doll holding the words Adult Exercise Centre that looked a little out of place, compared with what was positioned around it. However underneath were the words, where big boys are allowed to play with their small toys? Many of the gathered crowd started laughing once they realised what it meant. However, this did not worry Bluey as far as he was concerned it had caught their attention
already, and any publicity was good publicity. Ivor was paying for the gig and he certainly knew how to milk the public when it came to spreading his brand name around, he had not become successful for nothing. The gig had not started and already everybody was talking about them, although Bluey suspected for the wrong reasons, but when it came to playing, they would blow the opposition away, with the polished performance that they usually dished out.
Once the gear had been set up, each act in turn was allowed to try it out, with a run through of one of their songs. As there were over twenty bands on the show Bluey and the boys sat out front and watched each act, while trying to work out who their main opposition was going to be. It was a time when the jokes flowed freely, usually being aimed at the acts as they took to the stage.
Another of the acts was sponsored by a local Concrete Company and went by the name of Sand and Gravel that comprised of trumpet and guitar. Now that’s something novel and different Bluey said, never seen anything like that before and the sound almost fits the name. Give them a chance Nicky told him, at least their giving it their best shot.
Then there were the local Members of Parliament, who had entered a band under the name of Hot Air. Although at one time they had considered calling themselves Broken Promises, however they decided against it at the very last minute just in case it touched a raw nerve with their supporters. With an election looming in the next couple of months, they did not want to lose too many votes over it. These were followed by one of the city's top Real Estate Company’s, who had entered a six-piece band by the name of Bricks and Mortar that included four very young beautiful looking girls. That did not go unnoticed by Bluey and the other members of the band, who were constantly drooling all over them. They were followed by a couple of Bakery companies, one of which had entered a band with the name, The Grateful Bread, while the other had entered The Krum’s. Then there was a Timber company’s duo, and their entrant was to be known as Sawdust. A local chicken restaurant wanted their band to be known as Foul Play, while a gentleman’s hairdresser had entered a trio know as Short Back, and Sides.
Then there was one of Brisbane’s top carpet company’s, who advertised their products on television every single night of the week, whose group were called Liquidated Stock. Bluey could not resist calling over to them and asking if anybody had ever paid full price for one of their Persian carpets. After all each night, they were bombarded by adverts offing to slashing up to 90% off their original prices. You’d be a mug to pay the marked up price Nicky called out.
There were two Golf entries, one of them being a local club based at the Nudgee waste disposal station. Their entry was known as Richard Green and the Four Irons. One of the guys, who was helping them, walked up to the microphone and introduced himself as their manager. Turning to Richard, he introduced him as their well-loved club Professional player. He then continued to tell all who were listening, that Richard had a bad habit of always ending up in one of the many lakes that littered the course. However, he went on to tell them all, that at least Dick had the cleanest balls in the club. The other Golf entry was from one of the Golf shops in the heart of Brisbane, and their entry was known as Golf Swing Boogie. Followed up by a Duo from one of the Bay side Veterinarian Clinics, Spillberry and Wenzill, but had just had a change of heart over the name finally wanting to be known as Heart Worm.
However, it was a shoe manufacture that gave them all a bit of a laugh when they announced that they had entered a nine-piece soul band by the name of, A Load Of Old Cobblers. Followed very closely by a nightclub with an all girl band know as The Bare Essentials. For a good play on words a second timber company had called their band the Log-A-Rhythms. Logarithms was also something Bluey had learnt at school and could not stop himself from calling out and asking if there were any mathematicians in the band. To his delight, one of the members put up his hand and replied that he was good at arithmetic while at school. Unfortunately he played right into Bluey’s hands; as he called back asking if he had heard about the constipated mathematician. The guy shook his head, as Bluey told him that he had worked it out with a pencil. The place just erupted with laughter as Bluey very politely took a bow, acknowledging his wit.
When Bluey and the boys took their turn up on the very large stage, they were introduced to all the other acts as Titillation, as they launched into one of their favourite songs, Eagle Rock. The crowd were astounded at how good and professional the boys were, but instead of realising that they were to be out classed, they just got into the mood to enjoy themselves and most of them started dancing amongst themselves to the music. It broke the ice and was to ensure that everybody was going to have a good time later that evening. All that is accept Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop, who had taken an instant dislike to the boys, especially after Dave had pointed out to them that they were the band they had shut down outside their boss's shop. In fact it was their constant sniping at Bluey that was to upset the fast approaching evening. Just to stir the pot a little more as Bluey was about to leave the stage he mentioned that Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop, should have called themselves The Lemons, because they go well with fish. If the ladies had something to say about the remark, it was drowned out by the laughter as the acts all fell about laughing. Bluey turned to his band and mentioned that Cod face might have been an even better for them.
By the time the acts had all been introduced to each other, and tried out the music systems, the atmosphere had a party like feel to it. Because of the constant jokes and fun that was being had by most members, it turned out to be a great time for all who had entered. It also became evident to Bluey and the boys that most of the acts were only there to have a good time. To them it did not seem to matter if they did not win; to them it was the taking part that they wished to savour. It also gave Bluey a confident feeling that his band stood a good chance of winning the first prize of $3000. Giving him a chance to kill two birds with one stone, not only would he be able to complete one of his main goals in life, but also he would be paid for doing it. Maybe for once the band could make some serious money from one of its gigs.
The bands were then taken to one of the larger Hotels in Brisbane, where they could all clean up, have a meal and to get into their stage clothes ready for the evening's entertainment. For once in their lives, they were all going to be treated like super stars.
As evening fell and most of the audience was assembled outside of the Boondall Entertainments Centre all-waiting to go inside and take their seats, the bands started arriving in a fleet of specially decorated Limousines. Each car contained one of the bands that were all decked out in special clothing depicting their sponsors for the night’s entertainment. All that is accept the nine-piece Soul band that turned up in a specially prepared mini bus, actually playing some of their instruments and dressed up looking the part.
As each band left their vehicles, they were cheered and mobbed by the many hundreds of people and supporters that had gathered to see them. The bands were then directed to follow the red carpet that they were standing on, into the auditorium. All this had been kept from them so that they could experience a few surprises and imagine that they were very famous, for just one night in their life.
When Bluey and the boys stepped out of their rather large extended limousine, a big surprise was in store for the entire awaiting crowd, as the first to leave the vehicle was Lofty, who was dressed up in his little green gnomes outfit with a collar and lead attached around his neck. While Bluey and the boys were all dressed up in Black leather gear and each was carrying a whip. Ivor had not wanted to miss any chance of promoting his products and had seen to it that they all looked the part.
Bluey followed Lofty holding onto the other end of the lead, and once out of the car and not wishing to miss a chance to extort a laugh he pretended to whip lofty. Claudie was next to follow puffing on the biggest rollup cigarette he had ever attempted to smoke, he just gave a Winston Churchill salute and followed Bluey along the red carpet. As far as he was concerned,
it was to lead towards his smoker’s heaven. Next out was Nicky, to be followed by Terry, but as he bent down to pass through the doorway of the vehicle; his toupee fell off landing on the red carpet just in front of him. Nicky could not resist the chance, he kicked the Cowpat towards Bluey, and it landed on his head. It only took a couple of seconds for everybody to see the funny side of what had happened and all were rolling around laughing at Bluey, who had not altered the position at which the Cowpat had landed on his head. Instead, he milked the situation for all it was worth. His first remark was that you would never think that I had a trim today, by the Short Back n Sides guys, and look what they did to me.
However, poor old Terry was not very happy at the antics that Bluey was getting up to, and besides the top of his head was starting to feel cold. One young lady in the audience who felt sorry for him stepped forward and placed a baseball cap on his head, to which he thanked her, not realising that it was advertising ladies underwear. At least it was covering what he called his most embarrassing spot.
Ruhti followed up the rear wearing his finest Indian robes all topped off with a beautiful white turban that was highlighted by the rather large red spot on his forehead. Ruhti received the most applause from the crowd gathered around them, which caught Bluey off guard. Remind him to have a talk with him about his future dress code while he’s with the band, Bluey added. It’s a good job that we are not representing a roadside cafe, anybody would think that he was the original Indian Fryer.
The boy’s sponsor, Ivor had arrived ahead of the limousine entourage, escorted by ten of his most beautiful female employers, who he had secretly recruited as his private dirty tricks department. This was his way of ensuring that he enjoyed the evening’s event, and ensured that his investment achieved results. Although their main role was to look quite sexy to all who attended, it was also to cheer the boys on to success. However, they were to be assisted by Ivor who had further devious little tricks up his sleeve, that he hoped would liven the evening up, as well as to entertain the crowd further and to maybe push his band over the line in first place.
As Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop arrived, and stepped out of their limousine, Ivor winked at one of his girls, who bent down and let a couple of very large cane toads out of a box onto the ground just in front of her, by the edge of the red carpet just ahead of the trio. Then as the three middle-aged ladies were about to parade themselves passed Ivor and the girls. Ivor used the toe of his shoe to tap both of the toads up the backside ensuring that they both jumped onto the red carpet right in front of them. Within a millionth of a second, all three of the ladies started screaming and jumping around, not knowing what to do next. Somebody was heard to say that in his view they were jumping higher than the toads. Somebody else joined in suggesting that they change their name to The Jumping Jelly Beans, of even The Grass Hoppers. Instead of calming down the ladies just screamed louder and louder which started to upset some of the awaiting crowd to such an extent that some kind soul rushed out of line and tried to kick them off the carpet. However, he was no soccer player and as his foot made contact on the backside of one of the toads, it lifted it up and propelled it through the air at great speed towards a young girl who was standing on the other side of the carpet. It just happened that she was wearing an open topped evening dress, and the toad landed on her bare skin just above the top of her wired up bra, as she let out one hell of a loud scream. Her accompanying boy friend wasted no time in straddling the red carpet as he made his way over to the lad who had kicked the toad. Without even asking him why he had done it he punched him square on the jaw. Then as he fell to the ground, he knocked other people down with him. The whole scene looked like a bomb had hit the place, as some of the security staff tried to restore some sort of normality to the area. However, by this time the whole incident had upset the three Singing Diva Solicitors, to such a point that they had to be calmed down with smelling salts, once they had been ushered into dressing room.
When Bluey saw them being pampered he could not resist in cracking a few jokes at their expense. At first, he asked if they were feeling a little over awed at the thought of competing against them. He then thanked them for shutting his band down as they played out side of the Adult Exercise Centre. This caught the ladies off guard, because up till then they did not know that Blueys and his band was in fact the people they had shut down.
By a cruel twist of fate, the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers had drawn the short straw to be the very first act on stage. This was a bit of a blow to Bluey who knew that whoever went on stage first would have to be good to set the standards for the evening. It was a well-known fact that as each following act appeared on stage the audience and judges tended to forget what had gone before. As far as Bluey was concerned, the ideal position would have been the final act. However, that was not to be, and so he set about trying to create an act that they would not forget very easily, while at the same time making it very hard for those who followed.
Bluey had contacted Chris Murphy a local magician who he had known for many years, for some advice. Chris was also one of the top performers in the industry and who built magic props. After a long discussion, it was decided that Chris could help him and loaned the band a few of his props.
Once all of the acts had arrived, they were taken to a large room behind the stage to prepare for their turn on stage. The audience was ushered into the main auditorium to be seated around the tables that had been laid out, giving the whole place a rather large restaurant atmosphere. Each table had been decorated in the company colours and logos, so they had no problem finding their allocated seats.
While all of the contestants went to their respective dressing rooms to add the final touches to their appearances and to await their curtain call to the stage. However, most of them were unaware that Ivory’s dirty tricks department had visited some of their rooms before they arrived. It was his way of spicing up the evening and slanting the odds toward his act, as they tried the lift the first prize for the evening.
Unbeknown by all of them was the fact that Nicky had also left a few surprises behind for some of the unsuspecting artists, as he had also visited their rooms just before they all left the stadium.
Once everybody was seated in the auditorium and had been served drinks the party started to drop into top gear as they eagerly awaited the show to start. Once the cameras were all rolling, there was a very large pyrotechnic explosion that filled the stage with white smoke announcing that the show was officially under way. Everybody was surprised to see a well know local established professional artist known as Hank Wangford on stage being accompanied by his band the The Wallies. It was the perfect act to open up the evening with and to help everybody get in to a party atmosphere. They were on stage for nearly thirty minutes playing their brand of Rock and Roll that had made them famous over the years. This left everybody thinking that they were going to be a hard act to follow.
The band Titillation minus Bluey took up their respective positions on stage. Then as the lights were slowly dimmed Ruhti in full Indian regalia was seen pushing on stage a very large light blue cabinet. It was on wheels and was big enough to hold a person standing up. However, once he had positioned it in the middle at the front of the stage. He then turned it around slowly showing the audience that there was nothing hidden behind it. Slowly he opened the front of the cabinet to show the audience that it was completely empty inside, and then leaving the door open. He placed inside a guitar on a stand; leaving the door open, he then left the stage.
The audience was then treated to the introduction music from Neil Diamond’s famous Hot Summer Night album. This piece of music is well known and slowly builds up to a big crescendo. However, before it reached that point, the door on the cabinet slowly closed on its own. Then as the music reached its final climax, a pyrotechnic explosion went off in front of the cabinet. As it was slightly hidden by a cloud of smoke the door was flung open and out jumped Bluey, who was already playing the guitar that had been
on the stand. Bluey and the boys launched into their first song of the evening.
The audience was then treated to a brilliant version of Eagle Rock, while Ruhti reappeared on stage to push the cabinet off and out of sight of the audience.
In order that the judge did not forget the act, Ivor had insisted that Lofty was part of the act. As the band went into their next song of the evening Lofty dressed in his usual gnome outfit suddenly appeared attached to a wire, as he swung onstage about three feet off the ground. However, what caught the audience’s eye was that fixed to his back was what looked like a very large vibrator that sounded like a two-stroke motorbike at full revs, while in his hand was a tambourine. As the song progressed, Lofty continued to swing backwards and forwards, while trying to tap his tambourine in tune with the song. Then just as the song was about to end, he suddenly disappeared into the side wings of the stage.
Bluey then launched the band into their next song, giving it every ounce of energy they could muster. The audience were in the mood as several of them were on their feet dancing to the beat that the band was generating. However, just as they finished Lofty ran onstage trying to carry a rather large blow-up doll that seemed to have a few patches stuck to the front of it. As Lofty weaved his way around the other members of the band he suddenly let the doll go and it suddenly rose in the air and proceeded to fly around in circles above the bands head. It was also obviously to all that it was slowly losing its air as a rather strange high pitched fart like sound could be heard, slowly forcing it higher and higher above the stage. It then turned gained some speed and headed away from the stage, and was last seen high above the crowd. All the time Lofty was still running around the stage looking like a very small kiddie's clockwork doll that had the audience in stitches of laughter. Ruhti was chasing after him trying to give the effect that he wanted to catch him. Unbeknown to the audience, and to spice things up, Ruhti had also rubbed some dog food onto Loft’s back and a dog was let loose by a stage hand to join in with the chase.
While all this was going on it was very hard for the band to keep playing as they were also having fits of laughter, watching Lefty's antics. It all played into Blueys hands as he announced to the audience that the dog was trying to drag Lofty outside to bury him in the garden, which just about brought the house down.
Once Lofty the dog and Ruhti had left the stage Bluey counted the band into their final song for the evening, pulling out all of the stops trying to leave a good impression on the audience and judges. Something he knew was going to be hard, although deep inside he felt like telling the following acts, beat that if you can. The boys had been serious in wanting to win, although they had not realised that most of the other acts were just happy to be playing at the venue and were only amateurs at the music game. To them it was just a night out and they wanted to enjoy themselves. They knew that they were not good enough to win, for them it was the taking part that mattered. Maybe the boys had taken the whole thing just a little too seriously, anyway it was all over, and now all they could do was to just sit back and hope that they had done enough to win.
Law and Order were next on stage and Bluey was keen to see them in action, after having struck up a friendly relationship with Dave since the meeting outside of the shop. As they finished their first song and were about to go into the next one, Nicky was seen coming onstage creeping up behind of them and unannounced. He was carrying a rather large blackball attached to a long chain. Then before Dave knew what had happened Nicky hastily whipped the chain around his leg and secured it together with a padlock. He then made a hasty retreat from the stage leaving Dave to wonder what the hell was going on, while not being able to move because of the weight of the ball that had him anchored to the floor.
While all this was going on the audience, were all cheering and laughing. The incident had caught Dave off guard, but somehow he held it all together as he carried on miming to the music. His colleague William was left speechless and wondering what to do next, for some reason, he had stopped pretending to sing and could not get back into the song. However, by the third song, somehow they had managed to get it all together and got back into the act. When they had completed their act, Dave found it very hard to walk off stage as he was dragging the ball and chain that was hanging from his ankle behind him. Unbeknown to him Nicky had disappeared with the key to the padlock, and could not be found. He had intended to leave Dave in his predicament for the entire evening.
Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop were next on stage, an act that Bluey had been waiting for, as he had a little something in store for them. As he turned to those around him he remarked that they looked a little stuck up, adding that they were so posh that he recon that when they went to their local church for Holy Communion, the vicar probably handed them a wine list.
As they went into their routine, singing a couple of standard ballads, Bluey made his way over to the mixing desk where he conned the operator into turning up the volume of their fold back speakers. I’ll give them don’t like loud music, he said, after this little fiasco they’ll hate it even more. By turning up the fold backs, it only upped the volume on the stage while not affecting what the audience was listening to. It did not seem to matter because they were all in a wild party mood, at times almost drowning out the acts anyway. Unbeknown to Bluey, Nicky had also been up to the dirty tricks, when he had visited their dressing room and placed a small amount of itching powder in the front of the girl’s long evening dresses that they were to wear on stage.
Not only were the girls struggling to hear what their overall sound was like but also they were beginning to scratch at the front of their dresses. The Throsby technique was to use her elbow to rub the side of her dress, hoping that the audience did not notice what was wrong with her. Thorndike was rubbing the appropriate area with the back of her hand just hoping that the itch would go away. While Trollop took the full on frontal approach by attacking the itch with gusto, using her right hand at such a rate of knots, that she was breaking finger nails like they were going out of fashion. To the audience it must have looked very funny as these quite large women were scratching themselves in time with the music. To the audience the act looked like it had been choreographed to the beat of the music.
Surprise number three came when the dog that had chased Lofty around on stage suddenly reappeared on stage, and ran over to the ladies and started sniffing and licking at the back of their dresses. Once again and unbeknown to anybody at the event, earlier Ruhti had smeared some of the dog food on the backs of their dresses and he had just let the dog go free on stage. By this time, the audience was in hysterics at the antics that were happening on stage. Bluey described it as a poor man's version of the Supremes because their arms were waving around and now there feet were trying to ward of the dog, in his endeavour to get at the dog food. Bluey told a group of people standing around him that the dogs name was Herpes, because he would never heal.
Someone called out that the music should be stopped so that they could get the dog off the stage. However, Bluey called out that it’s not over till the fat ladies stops singing, which added to the laughter and enjoyment of the crowd. Somehow, the ladies finished their act to rapturous applause from the crowd, as far as they were concerned they had done a good job in entertaining the crowd. However, they were not aware of the fact that it had all been unplanned. To them it had all been part of their act and they wanted more.
Unfortunately, the whole event had taken its toll on the ladies, who were just about out of their minds by the time that they got back into the wings of the stage. They were at their wits end, not only were they still violently scratching at the fronts of their dresses but were almost total deaf from the volume of the music. Trollop slumped into a chair as one of the stagehands motioned that he thought that she’d had a stroke. Even at times like this Bluey could not help himself by adding that she was a lucky bugger, and that he’d not had a stroke for ages.
Nicky had also been into other dressing rooms swapping
labels from hair lacquer cans with under arm deodorants. Not to mention swapping cans of Moose hair applicators with men’s shaving cream. Then there was the trick tablet of soap that seemed to appear in all of the dressing rooms that blackened your face rather than clean it. Nicky had a whale of a time as he had gone from room to room trying to sabotage anything that he could get his hands on. However, his crowning glory had been the rather large balloons that he had con the stagehands into hoisting high above the stage. Ivor had prompted this little operation by insisted to Nicky that it would help his business if he could manage to pull this little stunt off.
As the Load Of Old Cobblers launched into their last song, which just happened to be the final song for the evening. Nicky gave the signal to the stagehand, and he pulled a lever that bust open the balloons and the stage was immediately drenched in hundreds and hundreds of small brightly coloured packets of condoms known as Crowning Glories, that seemed to come from everywhere. At the very same moment, all of the other acts made their way onto the stage while the band was still playing, to the delight of the crowd. They then began picking up armfuls of the condoms and throwing them into the crowd, so that they could all join in with the merriment of the very last song of the evening. Once it was all over the organiser walked out on to the stage waving a small piece of paper.
This was the moment Bluey and the boys had all been waiting for and they held their breath as the announcer unfolded the piece of paper. He then informed the gathering that the judging had been very close, and that they had a problem trying to pick a winner, between two of the groups. Finally, he announced Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop were the runners up and called them forward to be acknowledged by the crowd as coming second. They had impressed the judges with their well worked out choreography, stage act.
Finally, he shouted into the microphone, announcing that Titillation had won the evening's entertainment. Bluey could not believe it, it was all over and they had won. Unaccustomed to this type of pressure and adulation a couple of tears ran down the sides of his cheek as Ruhti grabbed hold of him and planted a big kiss on his nose. Bluey was numb and shaking not knowing what to do next. For once in his life he could not follow up with a funny remark.
Before anybody had chance to congratulate them Throsby, Thorndike and Trollop rushed over as all three of them wrapped their arms around him kissing him while telling him that he had deserved the win. They were all hugging him so tight that he could not breathe. He could not believe what was happening, but decided to take anything that was going. Like he had previously said it's not over until the fat ladies stop singing. Unbeknown to him his bare skin was touching the front of the ladies dresses.
Dave was the first of the other bands to come over and congratulate him while still dragging the ball and chain behind of him. He then added that as it was all over he could now unlock the chain so he could go home to his wife, not wanting to have to explain what had happened to him. However, Bluey had to explain that he knew nothing of the prank, but he did know that Nicky had thrown away the key so that it looked like he was lumbered with his little trophy from the nights work.
Once the organiser had calm and quietened everybody down, he called Bluey and the boys towards the microphone where he congratulated them on a job well done. Saying that all of the judges had enjoyed their brand of music and that they were deserved winners of the competition. As he handed Bluey the cheque for $3000, he also asked him what charity they wanted the money to be donated to. Bluey and the boys were taken aback, charity, nobody had told them anything about a flaming charity; they had all expected that the winnings was for the band to spend it how they wished. Bluey looked at Nicky who was also speechless, he lipped the words to him that nobody had told him it was all part of the deal.
A brief silence then followed, and then not wanting to look stupid in front of the very large audience, Bluey announced via the microphone to everybody that the band would like to pass the $3000 on to the Salvation Army, who he hoped would pass it on to the wayward ladies of Brisbane. The whole centre erupted in applause and cheering as they all acknowledged the band as the winners and to the charity; they had nominated the money to be sent to.
It was all over, the once in a lifetime gig had been played out in full and now it was time to move on to the next challenge in life.
You know we never make any money from our efforts do we, every single booking that we have done in the past couple of months have ended up costing us money in one way or another, Nicky said to Bluey. I guess it must be our love of the music mate that keeps us going. Scratching his bare arms, Bluey went on to tell him that at least they had played at the famous Boondall Entertainment Centre, and so now, he could retire gracefully from the music industry, as together they walked away into the night.
The End---for now
The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers Page 7