by R. S. Elliot
This all needed to happen now. Or so I told myself. I didn’t have the time to maybe or not find the person who kindled a fire within me. That person very well may never show up in Madison or any of the surrounding areas. And then, I’d have wasted all that time waiting for nothing.
The glow of a nearby cafe caught my attention. Not so much for the lighting or window displays, but rather for the woman in the seat beside it. Her soft blonde hair piled on top of her head in a messy cluster of curls and strands. She chewed the end of her pen, peering down at the papers in front of her with a mix of confusion and concern. The subtle wrinkle in her brow was almost too cute to ignore, and I had just come back from a date she’d set up for me.
It would be rude to pass by Lyndsey Saunders without stopping in for a moment.
Against my better judgement, I entered the cafe and quickly found her booth. She stared up at me confused.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I was in the neighborhood,” I said nonchalantly and gestured toward the booth to take a seat. “Mind if I take a seat?”
She nodded and scooted further down the seat in the booth. “Yes, of course. It’s fine. Don’t you have a date you’re supposed to be on?”
“Yea, well,” I stammered. How did I tell her about this trainwreck of a night? I ran my hand against the back of my neck. “She came on a little too strong for my tastes.”
Lyndsey’s chocolate-colored eyes darkened to coal in the dim lighting of the cafe. She eyed me carefully, determining whether this next excuse was warranted or another machination of my reluctance to start dating. I couldn’t say I hadn’t given her any reason to doubt me. I’d put up a fight since the moment she walked into the office. This wasn’t how I saw the marriage process starting. It wasn’t how I saw any aspect of my romantic life being portrayed, and yet I had no other viable solution to get me out of it.
“What does that mean?” she asked, still suspicious.
“Well, she was definitely interested in having kids,” I said, throwing myself down into the seat beside her. “She already had a list of names she’d wanted me to choose from for the kids and even brought a tube for me to give her a DNA sample.”
Lyndsey covered her mouth, half-way in the middle of chewing something. Her eyes widened, obviously as concerned as I had been when the woman asked me for such a thing. “For what?”
“Genetic testing,” I explained. “To see if I had anything in my medical history that would prevent our kids from having a healthy and happy future.”
Her hand fell down into her lap, and a small smile twitched at the corner of her mouth. “Well at least she was being proactive. You like that, don’t you?”
“She brought a ring to the dinner.”
A finger rose to her lips. Whether to stop her from laughing or grinning, I couldn’t tell. “For you?”
“For herself,” I said, though it didn’t make it any less weird. She’d asked me to place the ring on her finger if I was ready to commit. Talking my way out of that one had taken some persistence and artistry to deliver without ending in tears. But I’d done it, somehow. Though, there was no guarantee I’d ever be able to do it again. “She said it was the one she wanted to wear when she got engaged. She then asked me if I was ready to get married so that she could wear it and seal the deal.”
At that, Lyndsey did laugh.
A musical sort of sound that resonated through my chest. She looked so beautiful when she laughed and finally let go. I wanted to spend an eternity making her laugh. Anything to rid her of the cloud of sadness hovering over her the past few days.
Had I said an eternity?
That couldn’t have been what I meant. Though an eternity with a woman like Lyndsey Saunders wouldn’t be so bad. She was witty, confident, and challenging as hell. All things that kept life interesting and enjoyable without being too overwhelming. She would be a good role model for a daughter, a bright light for my mother. Though, whether she’d enjoy settling down or not was another story.
I still wasn’t sure how my sister had come to hate this woman. She was nothing like what Vanessa claimed. Certainly nothing close to the image she painted of a villainous gold-digger trying to sink her claws into an inheritance that didn’t belong to her.
“I’m so sorry,” Lyndsey said, still trying to pull herself together after her last fit of laughter. “I thought it would work out. But I will keep looking.”
“It’s fine.” I waved off her concerns. “I asked for someone who was family-oriented. Maybe I should have specified that, that wasn’t all she should be into.”
She nodded. “Having a little more to go on for you would help.”
Right. Because I’d refused to let her help me from the start. Truth be told, I had no idea what I wanted anymore. Did I want a woman who wanted to settle down? Or did I want someone who inspired me to grow?
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I want someone to make mistakes with, someone to go on adventures with but is just as happy coming back home at the end of the day.”
“So, not a traditional wife?” she asked, her eyes all mine for the first time in a long time.
“Traditional is fine,” I explained. “I mean…”
God, how much did I tell her? Did she really need to hear all about my life, all the many paths and steps that led me to the situation in which I now stood?
“My father died a few months ago,” I said finally, drawing a breath to steady myself. “Suddenly, a heart attack. We didn’t even get to say goodbye. My mother has been devastated ever since, as you can imagine. Someone has to take the reins. You know, be the man.”
She watched me carefully. Her beautiful brown eyes softened, compassion flowing from every corner. She knew what it was like to lose someone special, to feel lost and disoriented without them. We’d had this conversation before. All the expectations people had for us, all the many things we needed to do to keep the memory of those we lost alive and thriving.
What did any of it matter in the end? She had been the one to say the dead rarely had expectations for us. Yet I had an obligation to my family—to my mother. Didn’t I?
“Since I was a young child...” I began. “...he made me promise to be the man of the household should anything ever happen to him. I had to take care of my mother and keep my sister in check. All the things he couldn’t do when he was gone.”
The understanding in her eyes transformed into something warmer, sadder almost. As if she wanted to reach across and soothe all the aches resurfacing now from this conversation. I didn’t want pity from anyone, especially her.
“That’s a huge responsibility,” she said finally, her words practically a whisper.
“It’s my responsibility.” It was why I needed this so badly.
“But why?” Lyndsey asked. “I mean, you can’t keep Vanessa in check. I doubt your father could even do that. She’s a grown woman. She’ll make her own choices.”
I laughed. “True. But my mother…”
“Will also find her own way.” Lyndsey reached out and covered my hand with hers. I ignored the sudden pulse of electricity surging through me like the last kiss of warmth before death— inviting, calming, and worth every bit of the sacrifice. My heart rate sped, signaling its own surrender to the void. Another moment with this woman and I wasn’t sure what might happen. I’d either lose all sense of myself and make mistakes we’d both regret, or I’d die happy.
“It’s hard to watch the ones we love get older,” Lyndsey said, drawing me back to the conversation. “We want to be there for them. We want to do all we can. But sometimes, there is only so much we can do. I’m sure the last thing your mother wants is someone watching her like a hawk twenty-four seven.”
“It’s not that.” Absently, my fingers closed over hers. They felt so delicate and soft between my calloused hands, yet she did not pull away. The slight hitch in her breath stood as the only indication she even knew what was happening, even knew how close we now sat t
o one another.
Her eyes latched onto my hands holding hers, the trail of my fingertips following along each line and crease as if attempting to commit it to memory. Perhaps I was. Perhaps this was as close to perfection as I’d ever get. As much as I wanted to deny Lyndsey Saunders meant anything to me, every second I spent with her echoed through my thoughts like a painful reminder.
I wanted this woman. Not once. Not for a few weeks. I wanted her for a lifetime.
And she was the one woman I couldn’t have.
“What is it, then?” she asked, her voice low and husky.
“I just think having someone else around will be good for her. Vanessa isn’t really around much. She’s so invested in her career. And I definitely can’t be around as much as I’d like. My mother worries about me constantly.”
“I’m sure having a few grandbabies running around wouldn’t hurt,” Lyndsey said. The warmth in her smile spread across my chest, encircling me like the glow of a campfire. I could easily imagine her at my mother’s home, chasing a pair of blonde-haired toddlers as lovely and headstrong as she was.
My mother would like her.
I shouldn’t be having thoughts like that. Thoughts like those were dangerous. And I was the one who was going to get hurt.
“Yes,” I said. “That’s all she ever seems to talk about. I know Vanessa keeps talking about having some, but there’s never been a convenient time for them to start.”
“Oh, no.” Lyndsey rolled her eyes. “My cousins are too career-oriented to really be invested in parenting. I wouldn’t put it past them to ship the kid off to boarding school, even if your mother was willing to watch them.”
I laughed. “You joke, but she has mentioned that a few times.”
“No.” Her eyes widened.
“I kid you not.”
“You can’t let her.”
I shrugged. “You were the one who said I have no control over what she does.”
A smirk spread across her lips.
She was so close. Just a matter of inches away. I could lean in and kiss her. But she had already made it quite clear that was the last thing she wanted to happen. I wasn’t about to force a woman to kiss me. Though I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to give up on Lyndsey Saunders either.
“What about you?” I asked.
“What, children?” Her nose curled up. One would have thought I’d asked her which torture device she preferred instead. “I’ve never really thought about it much.”
“You’ve never thought about a family of your own?” Now, wasn’t that a new one? Here, I thought most women thought about starting their own family, at least at some point in their lives.
“No, I…” She paused and rested her head back against the booth. “I never had what you’d call a loving relationship with my parents. They were always working, and I kinda thought that’s what marriage and family was all about for the longest time. I didn’t want that. I wanted what my grandparents had.”
“These are Kyle’s grandparents?” I stared down at her, the top of her head just below my chin.
She looked up at me. A dreamy-like haze filled her gaze. “Yeah. They were the best. Now, that was a love for the ages. I thought that kind of love only happened once you were older. You know, you travel the world, find yourself, then settle down once there’s nothing left to do.”
“But when you got older, you didn’t still think that.”
“No.” Lyndsey smiled up at me, a bitter sort of sweetness coating her features. “Instead, I realized how rare a love like that really was.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said, a finger stretching out to stroke her cheek.
She shuddered beneath my touch. Her lips parted against a soft gasp, and I struggled to remember what kept me from kissing her all this time.
“Not everyone is meant to live a great love story,” she said.
“I think those people are just too afraid to search for it.”
Her eyes examined mine, looking for any semblance of something she didn’t like among them. I’d seen it all too often before. Someone too afraid to let go of the past. A woman burned too many times by the wrong man, so she assumed every one of us was the same. But, there was no deception in the way I felt about Lyndsey, no ulterior motive. I wanted her—only her.
No one else would do anymore.
“And if we enjoy hiding away in our little caves, what then?” she asked, her eyes whispering a different sort of plea.
I tipped a finger under her chin, tilting her mouth closer to mine. “Then it simply takes someone determined enough to go in after them.”
I had every intention of kissing her. But, before I had the chance, she raised her face up to mine and beat me to it. Her plush lips met with mine, leading me in a dance we had denied ourselves for too long.
She tasted every bit as delicious as I could have imagined, like warm whiskey and sugar all wrapped in a tantalizing package. I leaned into her, slanting my lips over her mouth. Our tongues swept into an erotic whirlwind, each stroke sending a signal to my growing erection. A gentle moan spilled out from beneath her, and all restraints holding me back fell away.
I was ten seconds away from making love to her right here in the almost empty cafe. Who could blame me?
Within a second, she pulled back. A gasp tore past her lips, and she stared up at me with two round, horrified eyes.
“Oh, no!” Her hand flew up to cover her mouth. “What have I done?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Was she worried about my sister finding out? “I could give you another demonstration if it helps you remember.”
“No. You-you need to leave.” She turned and collected her things from the table. Her hand flew up to my side, shoving me out of the seat in the booth beside her. “You need to go. We can’t-I can’t do this.”
“What’s wrong?” I did as she wanted and shifted out of the booth. “It’s ok. Vanessa will get over it.”
“Omigosh!” Her eyes widened. She threw herself against my chest, grabbing my shirtsleeves within her fists. “No. You can’t say anything to Vanessa about this.”
She was really upset about all of this, for reasons quite obviously beyond upsetting my sister. Maybe I didn’t know her situation as well as I thought. Maybe this wasn’t just about her pissing off the one woman who already hated her. But what could possibly be at stake for Lyndsey to go almost completely berserk over one kiss?
“Hey.” I held onto her, speaking calmly to ease her frantic state. “It’s ok. I won’t say anything. But do you want to tell me what this is all about?”
She shook her head, studying her surroundings as if she expected my sister to jump out from behind a pillar at any moment. “I can’t. I’ve got to go.”
She tugged free of my grip. Her hands flew out to smooth down her hair, and she drew in one long calming breath. Lyndsey’s eyes slid shut, placing her somewhere in a pseudo-meditative state.
“Look,” she said. “There’s no reason in getting Vanessa all upset over nothing. We just got way too deep into our feelings, and I may have had a few too many to drink. But not to worry, I will call myself a cab or an Uber, or whatever is available, and go home.”
“Lyndsey,” I whispered, her name sounding like home on my lips. “This isn’t something you feel bad about.”
“It’s fine.” She waved a dismissive hand. “It was a momentary lapse in judgment. It won’t happen again.”
She attempted to skirt around me, but the corner of her carrying case hit my shoulder. The contents of her case scattered across the floor. Pages upon pages of client information and random notes she’d taken now lined the tiles of the cafe floors.
“Dammit!” She dropped down to her knees and scooped up as much in one sweep of her hands as she could.
“I’m sorry,” I said and bent down to help her.
Our eyes landed on the red envelope at the same time. Something similar to a Christmas card, though completely out of place amid her things. I
t was none of my business to ask. Though, the confusion in her eyes was enough to draw concern.
“What is it?” I asked, as she gingerly lifted up the envelope.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. Fear seized her gaze as she lifted her stare to meet mine. A sharp inhale of breath raised her chest higher, and she swallowed despite the apparent pain it caused her. “It isn’t mine.”
Chapter Ten
Lyndsey
There it was.
Written in huge serial killer letters across a plain white sheet of paper in front of me. The words materialized like images in a dream, eerie, ethereal, and too bizarre to be real.
I’d torn the red envelope open as soon as I’d pulled enough strength together. I knew nothing good would come from this. Wasn’t that how every great slasher movie started? The blonde girl receives a mysterious, creepy note, and then they discover her dead the next morning.
How had the note even made its way into my folder? Had it been placed there when I was at work? At home? In the cafe? There were numerous places I could have passed by the person who delivered this note, countless opportunities for someone to slip this into my files. And yet, I would have thought I’d notice something like this before now.
“What does it say?” Hunter asked.
I couldn’t speak. My feet clung to the floor, motionless and unyielding. My knees almost bucked beneath the weight of my collapsing frame.
You can do this. You are stronger than this.
I coached myself. I would not let something like this upset me. I would not let some coward too afraid to face me personally get the better of me.
“‘Leave town or else’?” Hunter read the letter out loud. “‘If you stay in town, the fire will be the least of your concerns.’ Where did this come from?”
I tossed two hands up in frustration. “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“But you don’t remember seeing it until now?”
“No.” The words dried to ash before I could speak anymore. Every breath I took felt like swallowing sand.