by G L Rathweg
I turned around in awe and a bit of fear as the flying beasts and other things disappeared and the world went quiet. A moment later, calls began to answer Mother’s call. Not many at first, but more and more began to answer until a cacophony of sound returned her call. After a few minutes of earsplitting animal and more unimaginable things cries, it went quiet again.
“Showoff.” Dangun said, offhandedly but loud enough for his mother and me to hear.
My attention was taken away by our surroundings as animals began arriving. They were not just any kind of animals. These were super ridiculous demon spirit animals. They were all snakelike but made more fantastical and amazing.
The first horde to arrive were the serpents. I say serpents and not snakes because these were more than slithering scale covered reptiles. These were the things of dreams and nightmares. They ranged from sizes as small as my pinky finger to a few huge monstrosities that were straight out of Naruto.
There were tiny little vipers and huge constrictors. I saw anacondas that were as big as trees. I saw long and sinuous cobras and deadly evil looking mambas. There was every kind of snake you could imagine. They filled up a third of the area surrounding the circle for as far as I could see. A minute later they all stopped. A sibilant voice broke the silence that echoed around the ring and clearing.
The largest of the Naruto like serpents came into view. One was rainbow hued in color and split the trees in the forest as it came, towering high above them. It wasn’t the source of the voice. High atop the head of the massive rainbow scaled serpent was a humanoid figure.
“Orochimaru? No fucking way…” I whispered.
The giant snake lowered it’s huge head to the ground and the figure jumped off and landed in the center of the ring. He looked like the legendary Sannin from his robes to his slanted eyes. He was wearing Ancient Asian martial artist robes, had a gaunt face painted white and highlighted with shades of black and grey, yellow snake eyes and a wicked smile completed the picture.
The being bowed to Mother, gave a nod to Dangun, and then came over to me and gave me an appraising look. It had the effect of sending chills through my soul, making me shiver uncontrollably. He then stepped back and turned his attention back to Mother.
“Thank you for coming Sin Seonbi. Please wait over there for the others.” Mother said, nodding to the area where the snakes were waiting patiently and eerily quiet.
“Yes Mother.” Sin Seonbi replied, his voice low and sibilant just like a snake.
Echoes of a familiar sound started and everyone turned to the direction it came from. As it intensified, I began to recognize it as the ribbits of frogs. Sin Seonbi gave Mother a withering look and shook his head.
“Of course, you invited him.” He hissed.
“Oh, stop being such a baby it’s been ten thousand years you’d think you’d have gotten over your quibbling.” Mother said, as if to a spoiled child.
Sin Seonbi hissed but said nothing, just crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. I grinned but hid it with a cough which still earned a glare from the snake being. The croaking and ribbiting of the frogs grew in intensity. They came in varieties big and small, just like the snakes before them. They occupied the area opposite the snakes on the other side of the clearing and made way for a giant frog which was ridden by mother fucking Jaraiya.
“Dangun, why the hell are these guys just like the anime characters I know and love?” I asked.
“It is normal that the Spirit Realm bleeds into the Human Realm. Artists, writers, painters, even Anime creators receive divine inspiration from the Spirit Realm. Sometimes, this happens in dreams. Other times, the creators have actually visited the Spirit Realm or were visited by denizens of the Spirit Realm. Oftentimes, it is just coincidence.” Dangun replied.
I shook my head in mock understanding as I tried to wrap my brain around what he just said but was cut short as the man on the giant frog started laughing. It was so loud and jovial I had no choice but to pay attention and smile. I could sense the animosity between Sin Seonbi and the newcomer even though he tried to hide it with humor.
The man had spiky white hair and a red and white robe with martial attire. His face was painted like a Kabuki player with eyeliner and makeup. He further impressed that image by leaping off the head of the giant frog and landing in the center of the clearin, striking a Kabuki Mie, or pose. He landed in a crouch and twisted his head to the side while raising his right palm beside his head, pushing left palm outward.
“Thank you Kumwa, that was quite the entrance as always. Thank you for coming.” Mother said.
“Yes, welcome foolish toad you made quite the spectacle as usual.” Sin Seonbi mocked.
“Ha! Anything is a spectacle to you mud belly.” Kumwa replied.
“Call me that again!” Sin Seonbi roared, stepping towards the frog man.
“Enough!” Dangun roared, stopping the two in their tracks as the men continued to glare death at one another.
“Your petty squabble is tired and trite. Go to your positions and quit this childish bickering. When we are done you can kill each other for all I care but for now grow the fuck up.” Dangun said, in a voice like ice.
The two beings turned and had the decency to look embarrassed as they headed to their respective areas of the ring.
“What a colorful turn of phrase dear. Wherever did you learn it?” Mother asked.
“From Hiro here. While he doesn’t look like much, he does have some wit to him.” Dangun replied, deadpanned.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to give the ancient prick the satisfaction. It didn’t matter either way as another group of animals came. This time it was eerily quiet. I didn’t quite know what it was until I saw the first of the thousands of tiny slugs, quickly followed by medium, large, extra-large, and then Kaiju sized.
A massive slug the size of a cruise ship but that was somehow cute finished off the parade of slimy crawlers. Atop the gargantuan escargot was a woman. She was beautiful and didn’t resemble the slug she rode. The massive beast lowered its head and the woman hopped down to the clearing. She bowed to Mother then nodded to Dangun.
She completely ignored the other two and walked over to me staring at me with piercing sky-blue eyes that seemed to hold the clouds and sun in them. She was mesmerizing, her every movement captivated me.
Her kimono was skintight and also sky blue which was the least noticeable thing about her. Her hair was the color of sunlight and her skin was like porcelain. Lips the color of ripe strawberries that were set in a sultry smile made me go weak in the knees.
Even though I was in a soul form I felt real if you know what I mean. I swallowed and thought of puppies and kittens for a minute, getting myself under control. She smiled at my discomfort and turned back to Mother.
“Thank you for inviting me dear Mother.” The beautiful being said.
“Thank you Ja Cheongbi for coming.” Mother replied.
“Yes, yes, you are still respectful and you can still make a teenage boy lust after thousands of years. Go to your place Ja Cheongbi.” Dangun commanded, annoyed and in the tone of someone who is tired of the byplay, having seen it many times.
“Dangun you were always such a spoil sport.” Ja Cheongbi said, giving Dangun a raspberry but still going to her spot.
I thought of kitties and puppies again and then had to refocus on what Dangun was saying.
“…so, you have ten days.” Dangun finished.
“Wait, what was that?” I asked, stupidly.
“Boy quit making me repeat myself.” Dangun snapped.
“I’m sorry Master, please tell me again.” I said, adding the Master to placate him knowing it would since I never used it and the guy seemed pretty damned conceited. Either way it worked.
“I said you have twenty-four days till we return to the Human Realm and have to go save your women. You have fourteen days to learn from the Sannin and ten days to ascend Mount Tabaeksan.
” He repeated.
“Oh, ok, I got you now. Ten days to ascend the mountain after training for two weeks.” I replied, finally really processing what I had heard and was saying.
“Good, now let’s move…” Dangun started.
“Dude! What the hell do you mean twenty-four days? Training? A fucking Mountain?” I screeched.
“Yes. Come Mother.” Dangun said, simply. Then he gestured for his mother who gave me an encouraging nod and took her son’s hand. The two of them took off into the air, disappearing into the distance flying toward the great mountain. It towered in the background as a huge reminder of my goal. After a moment of watching the spot where they vanished from my sight, I felt the stares of the three people who remained and their hundreds of thousands of animals.
I turned around slowly in more than a little bit of fear. I was at a loss as to what I should do next. The three Sannin looked so much like the anime ones I still couldn’t believe it but decided to go with it. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck it’s a mother fucking duck. Besides, they were ignoring me at the moment completely engulfed in their own three-way argument.
The three Sannin were facing off and pointing, yelling, and basically all hating on each other. After much shouting Ja Cheongbi turned and ignored them. She walked over to me and gestured.
“You’re with me.” She said, motioning for me to follow along.
I glanced at the other two and gave a shrug, then turned and hurried after Ja Cheongbi. She strode out of the ring then headed out of the clearing straight towards her massive Kaiju slug.
‘Who is this then?’ An extremely adorable and feminine voice asked from inside my mind.
I didn’t freak out because I was used to Dangun, but I did do a double take at the Godzilla sized slug and her sweet smiling gaze.
“He is our new disciple. We must train him well Gangta.” Ja Cheongbi said, motioning for the slug, Gangta, to lower her head.
Gangta did so and Ja Cheongbi hopped on top. She gave me a what are you waiting for look. I took a deep breath and waved at the giant slug.
“Hi Gangta, I’m Hiro, thanks for letting me on board.” I said, a little shakily but putting my best smile on my face.
Now that I was much more physically attractive my smile was way more charming and much less alarming then my previous self.
‘Well, isn’t he just the politest little thing, I could just eat you up.’ Gangta replied, in that sweet voice.
My face went white and my body shivered just as I stepped onto her soft pillow like and slightly sticky head.
“Gangta, stop teasing the boy. Can’t you see he’s already terrified of you?” Ja Cheongbi said, jokingly reprimanding her Kaiju pet.
I chuckled like I wasn’t scared shitless. I finished mounting the slug and carefully made my way over to stand next to Ja Cheongbi.
“Are you ready?” She asked.
“Yes.” I replied, swallowing loudly.
“Let’s go Gangta, up, up!” Ja Cheongbi said, clicking her tongue and giving me a wink.
‘You know I hate when you do that, I am not an elephant.’ Gangta said, huffily.
“I know she does that’s why I do it.” Ja Cheongbi whispered, conspiratorially.
I grinned a bit and then Gangta suddenly lifted her head. I had to grab onto Ja Cheongbi so I didn’t fall off.
‘I heard that. Now hold on here we go!’ Gangta said, with a laugh.
The Kaiju slug began moving and after a moment I had my balance and began to find the ride quite pleasant. The landscape spread out before me from my high perch. The view was breathtaking.
“Ja Cheongbi where are we going by the way?” I finally asked, quite loudly so she could hear me over the roar of the wind.
“For training dear. Call me Ja. Now, enjoy the ride and view.” She replied, then turned away clearly signaling that was the end of our conversation for now.
And that was that. So, I did as she said and enjoyed the ride.
TRACK 12 – TRAMPOLINE – JIDENNA
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE HUMAN REALM AT A SMALL HOUSE IN A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD IN SEMI RURAL FLORIDA…
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. We just do the exercises over and over, wash, rinse, repeat.” Loyalty said.
“Mmhmm.” Determination replied, continuing to run the five kilometer circuit with Hiro’s body.
“And why do we have to do it? I’m sure there could be way better uses for us. I mean, what are we doing all this running and stupid body weight exercises for, ad infinitum.” Loyalty complained.
“Mmhmm.” determination replied, pausing at the one kilometer mark and dropping down to knock out fifty pushups, then quickly jumping back up and running again.
“Also, I don’t think I want to be called Loyalty. I’m sure you dislike being called Determination.” Loyalty said.
“Mmhmm.” Determination said, keeping track of his pace so he could do the next exercise, fifty mountain climbers at kilometer two.
“What about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? No to trite right? Yeah I agree.” Loyalty mused.
“Mmhmm.” Determination replied, hitting the two kilometer mark and beginning the mountain climbers.
“I’ve always wanted to be a Dave or Steve. Maybe something different like Hawk or Tekashi 6x9.” Loyalty said, his tone growing more excited as he spoke.
“Mmhmm.” Determination said, hopping back up and continuing the run.
“What if I called you Princess Fluffy Tits Butternuts Fuck Boy?” Loyalty said.
“Mmhmm.” Determination replied, not breaking stride.
“Man, you really don’t falter do you?” Loyalty asked.
“Mmhmm.” Determination replied.
“Well, we are at the halfway point of this circuit. It really is a nice neighborhood. I wonder what all these normies would do if they knew what was going on right under their normal little noses.” Loyalty asked, more to himself than to Determination.
“Mmhmm.” Determination replied, finishing the third kilometer and starting exercise number three, fifty burpees.
“How about this, I will be Dave and you will be Steve and together we will be known as Steve Dave!” Loyalty, now Dave, said cheerily.
“Mmhmm.” Determination, now Steve, replied, finishing his fiftieth burpee and running again.
“Ok Steve mile four and then pullups on that old oak tree by Ms. Parker’s house. We might be able to see her through her window. You know how she likes to be a voyeur.” Dave said.
“Mmhmm.” Steve replied.
“Don’t give me that tone. You know just as well as I do from Hiro’s memories what she does. I’m not the pervert Hiro is. I’m just taking advantage of the opportunity.” Dave said, in mock indignation.
“Mmhmm.” Steve replied.
“Oh! There! That’s her house!” Dave said.
“Mmhmm.” Steve replied, but kept on running.
“What are you doing? I said it’s right there! Look! I can see her in the window she’s doing it! Come on!” Dave whined, trying to cajole Steve.
“Mmhmm.” Steve replied, still running and going right by the house and Ms. Parker and on into the night to continue their training.
BACK IN THE SPIRIT REALM…
“Again!” Ja called.
“Yes, Sensei.” I replied or tried to, as I started over for the hundredth time with form one of the Tai Chi Chuan Yang style.
What actually came out of my mouth was gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, cough, cough. For the last indeterminable number of hours I had been training under a massive roaring waterfall.
This was not an idyllic Japanese waterfall from some manga or anime. No, no, no, quite the opposite in fact. This waterfall was the fucking devil of waterfalls. Or if you like, the devil’s fucking shitty shit covered frozen wart infested STD ridden asshole of a waterfall.
The water fell from a height of over a thousand feet. That meant it hit me at almost terminal velocity which meant it fucking hurt.
The water’s temperature was in the negatives, at least ten below zero. To top it off, I had to stand on the razor-sharp volcanic rock that overlooked another waterfall that was even bigger than the one I was under. That one was at least the size of Niagara Falls and a constant reminder of the consequences of losing my tenuous perch.
I had slipped so many times whenever I lost my concentration. Now was no different. I fell smacking my butt hard on the sharp rock and drawing blood for the umpteenth time. I still had a physical body somehow despite being in the Spirit Realm. It just had a lot of different limitations and physics than in the Human Realm.
Things that would have been cause for hospital visitations along with casts and slings were minor injuries here. I was able to rapidly heal in this realm. I had increased strength, stamina, speed, and agility. All this was to compensate for the immense difficulty of the training and the enormous amounts of pain involved.
At first things were amazing as Ja and I rode Gangta through the haunted forest. Although it was scary, everything takes on an Amusement Park ride feel when you’re riding on top of a giant slug. I couldn’t help but stare around in awe and became quite giddy. Gangta didn’t seem like it, but she moved like the wind. Soon, we were out of the forest and onto, I shit you not, a literal gumdrop plain with candy fucking animals, plants, and monsters.
I watched a herd of My Little Pony horses that looked made of rainbow-colored marshmallows run across the gumdrop plains. A massive wurm broke through the ground devouring half the marshmallow ponies. The wurm wasn’t nearly as big as Gangta, but was still large. Like, three elephants large. It looked like it was made out of graham crackers and chocolate. I think the big fucker was making My Little Pony s’mores.
We were soon across candy land and to the biosphere that held our eventual destination. Gangta had waded into a vast sea and headed towards an island in the middle. The water was the color of sherbet and kept on with the dessert theme. The further we went the higher the water came until it was up to what would be Gangta’s shoulders, then leveled off and stopped rising. We continued coasting through the placid rainbow-colored water that eventually changed to an electric emerald green.