I close him out.
"Syn, you need to come back, you need to wake up and eat. You're wasting away. It's been a days now. We have to bury her soon, you have to be there to let her go," Adrian whispered as he holds my hand tightly.
I close my eyes and sink back inside.
Hands touch my face. I open my eyes as Ryder and Eliran stick plastic devices to my forehead and click on a machine. "She is in there, see these waves here?" Eliran speaks to Ryder. I go back inside, "What the hell?"
"What?" Ryder demands.
"It's like she just completely shut off, I've never seen anything like it. There are no brain waves. She's gone."
"Gone how?" Ryder explodes.
"Like she's dead, but she still has a pulse," Eliran says as his hands grab my face and searches it. I open my mind, his machine beeps, I close them…it goes silent. I like the silence of my mind. I go there. Hiding.
I wake up. Ryder's holding me in his lap. His nose buried in my hair. He's whispering encouraging words and then nonsense, words that bring me to the surface but won't allow me breech it. I'm safer inside. I'm not ready to break through. "I need you to wake up. Your friends have been mucking up my home. They refuse to leave, or bury Larissa. You’re strong enough for this Pet, I need you to wake up. I need you to stop shutting down, or I'm coming in there to get you."
I close him out.
Alden comes. He whispers and rubs my hands together. Comments to Adam about body heat, I'm not controlling it. I'm losing more than retaining now. I shut him out. I failed him too.
"Syn," Ryder's voice shakes me.
I turn around to see him standing in the darkness with me. He's dressed in his cloak blending in with my darkness. He steps from the shadows and examines me closely. I don’t speak, I don’t need words here. I slide down the wall of my mind to sit again.
He strides forward and does the same, sitting beside me, his hands finding mine and holding them. Comforting and yet not forceful. "Adam needs you Syn, he's grieving. They need to bury Larissa soon. They're scared and need you right now."
I turn and take him in, his eyes look tired. And his hair is a mess, as if he's been running his hands through it for days without brushing it. Dark circles surround his eyes as they flow over me carefully. Studying me. "I need you Syn, need you to help me break the fucker who did this. He's alive. I need you to come back to me, can you do it Syn?"
I can't breathe.
My heart kicks into overdrive pounding relentlessly in my chest.
I watched him die, I watched Ryder kill him.
I blink and cry out as everything comes back. The pain. The agony. Larissa is dead—because I failed. Tears burn my eyes and I try to hold on to Ryder's hand but he's gone and once again I am alone in the darkness. But now, I can see light.
Someone is crying, screaming with pain so deep, raw and utterly bare that it consumes and takes a hold of me. Hands pull me close as more tortured screaming erupts from within the room that sound like a wounded animal. My ears bleed from it. The pain is too much, the shaking is too much.
"What's wrong with her?" Alden demands.
"She's waking up," Ryder replies from where he's holding my tortured soul as it emerges from the depths of despair it had been locked inside. His arms tighten around me, his scent calming but nothing takes away the pain of knowing I failed Larissa and she died because of it.
I blink as feelings of pain wash through me. I claw at my mind demanding it let me go, let me out. The screaming in the room is me, it's my own. I sob, my entire body shaking against Ryder as he holds me against him. Adam is trying to hold my pain away with the bond but he cannot, he releases it with a shudder the instant he felt it.
"Put her to sleep, fuck, it's too much—too much pain!" Adam snarls, his body shivering from the pain he's tasting from inside of me.
I push away from Ryder and look around the room as the scream subsides. I fight my breathing and my mind as it tries to fracture again. I meet Adam's horrified eyes, he knows what I felt and I hate it. They didn’t tell him what happened inside that room…he knows now, he saw it when he tried to pull my pain away, it's playing on repeat inside my head. He shouldn't have tried.
The room is full of my friends and Ryder's men. They pity me for what I will have to endure, what I have to live with. "Where is she?" I demand to know.
"Syn…" Alden says softly as if calming a child.
"Fuck. That. Where is she?"
"She's dead," Ryder says.
"I—," my voice cracks and I shake it off. I fight the tears and the nausea that threatens to come out, "I know. Where is her soul?" I meet no one's eyes. I don’t want pity right now. I want to know where her soul is.
"We don’t know. We couldn’t find it." Adrian says watching me.
I meet Adam's eyes. He shakes his head sadly, I exhale and nod. It's okay. I didn’t want her to be released to the Fade. I wanted her to be born without this life, I wanted her to be able to live and grow old, without having to fight next time.
"Syn," Alden is getting ready to say sorry. Why do people do that? Why do they say it?
"No. No, don’t you fucking say sorry. Sorry isn't going to bring her back, sorry isn't going to make me feel any better and it damn sure won't fix the guilt." I was crying, sobbing as I struggled to get my point across, "She's dead because I challenged him, because I took his puppet away. She died because of me, I couldn’t save her. I have to live with that. What I don’t have to live with is any fucking pity, or anyone saying they’re fucking sorry."
The room grew silent as they listen to my sobs. I wiped the tears away angrily and shook my head. "I bought the plot next to Adrian for me, use it for Larissa. She'd want a dress, something yellow. Her funeral packet is at the Guild Alden, get it. We bury her as soon as we can get the arrangements together. Now everyone except Adam get out."
When the room had fully cleared, I met Adams green eyes and held my arms open for him, he fell into them and I held him as we both cried together. Neither one speaking until the last tear had dried. We'd all done the same when we had thought Adrian dead, this time there was no chance of afterlife.
"I failed her," I whispered against his ear.
"No Syn, you didn’t. Those pins he used took your strength and all magic, that’s how he was killing immortals. There was no weapon, only those pins. Ristan said you couldn’t have done anything, not even he's immune to them Syn. You can't shoulder the blame here. We all knew he would come, we both failed her. I was asleep for fucks sake, three doors down and I couldn’t feel anything from either of you. I need you too Syn. I need you to stay awake now. I can't lose you too."
When Adam left the room, Ryder took his place on the bed, his features empty as he watched me. We didn’t talk. We didn’t need words. We just lay there together, staring at each other. I wanted to say something but I wasn’t sure how to thank him.
"How did you get inside my head, Ryder?" I asked after the silence became too much.
"I wasn't inside your head, I projected an image. I had to try to several times. You wouldn’t let me inside until you were ready. I'm sorry about Larissa. He blocked me from you, he knew you were mine. That it won't happen again, I assure you of it Syn."
"Why do people say that, sorry…it's not like they killed her. I never thought he'd come to the house. She was my responsibility and I failed her. I—"
"You couldn’t have saved her Syn. If you blame yourself then Joseph wins. He's downstairs, gloating because he knows you're in pain. You are letting him win, just like you did so long ago with your parents. You were a child. If you had tried to take on Fae at that age, you'd be dead. You can't keep blaming yourself for things you cannot change. Trust me when I tell you this. Something's just cannot be changed no matter how much you want them to be."
I laid my head back down on the pillow and watched as he removed his shirt and crawled back in lifting my head and placing it on his chest as his fingers caressed my cheek. I felt secure and safe with h
im. I closed my eyes and placed my hand above his heart, feeling each beat of it until sleep started to sink in. "Sleep Syn, I'll keep the nightmares at bay for now." He whispered and kissed the top of my head softly.
Thirty Eight
We buried Larissa on a sunny day beneath the old oak tree inside the Guild's cemetery to the musical lyrics of the Lumineers Ho Hey. We followed her wishes with the exception of the roses, she had wanted yellow ones. She got thousands of red roses. The Seattle Guild showed up en masse to honor one of our fallen and to celebrate the end of the killers reign now that he was locked up.
No one thought it weird that the Fae were still tight lipped on how the Mage had created a puppet and used her to infiltrate their ranks as an Heir. Ryder and his group were careful of what they spoke of when we were around now, as if hiding something from us. I was more worried about if, or when they would retaliate against the Light Fae for the slight against them.
Arianna hadn't been Fae. She'd been a Witch from the Seattle Guild. I'd given her peace after five years of her soul being torn to nothing more than a wisp of an aura that had once belonged to a beautiful Witch. She'd been kidnapped a few years ago, which told us this was much bigger than we had thought it was. It was good news and bad news. We'd stopped one, but he hadn't been working alone. They rejoiced, while we grieved.
There was no winning in this one, only sorrow as the news cameras and press sat outside the gates waiting for the Guild and Fae to finally make a press release about how she'd fooled us all. She'd been put together to do just that, the missing pieces had been used to ensure she could do so. We'd gotten a few answers, but once again, it had left us with many more questions that needed answering.
It was bittersweet and a grand event. Larissa would have loved to see the cemetery full of Vampires, Fae, and Witches. I don’t think any had ever been in the same location of their own free will without there being a threat of war involved before.
I hadn't been able to use magic yet so Alden had done her funeral rites for me. He'd blessed her with enough magic to pass through this life into the next, even though we weren't' sure she'd go there since right now her soul was in limbo.
We stood there until everyone was gone, myself and Adam with the fourteen Fae who stood at our backs as an unbending wall of muscle. Everyone filed out slowly, Adrian and Vlad waited behind with the Fae until Adrian stepped through and laid a single yellow rose on the casket. He shook his head and turned around to face Adam and myself. "I'm sorry I put you through this, both of you."
I met his beautiful eyes but said nothing. I was barely holding the sobs at bay as it was. I nodded and slipped my arm through Adam's and leaned against him for support. I had borrowed a dress from the few things Larissa had left at Ryder's house. The idea of going home had me ill.
After the funeral was over, we were heading to my parents' house. We'd decided to move in if I could do so. I couldn’t go back to the apartment and we were officially no longer welcome inside the Guild, even though we'd found the killer and as far as they knew Ryder had taken him out. The fact was, we were Fae and no matter how much we wanted it to change, it wouldn't.
We were having a hard time adjusting, but Adam had found a friend in Zahruk, who was teaching him what he would need to know about feeding when the time came. I had Ryder, who hadn't been pushing me yet, but the time would eventually come.
He'd been torturing Joseph for days now and we'd learned he was only one of many seeking to destroy Faery and any caste who stood in their way. This was why they had gone after Ryder, or so we believed. We still had to figure out who the Mage worked for and why he'd targeted Fae in the human world instead of their own.
We ended up heading back to Ryder's place first so we could drop off the entourage and take a smaller group with us to the house. Ryder was being protective and it was chafing, but at the same time it was nice to have someone else protecting me and Adam for once.
"Syn, I need to see you in my room before we take you to the house," Ryder said running his hand through his hair.
I nodded and followed him, I hadn't said much since waking up. I'd been a shell of who I had been before and while I was healing, it wasn’t an instant process. It still felt as if I was watching a movie of someone else's life play out before my eyes.
When we reached his bedroom he quietly held the door open for me and closed it as soon as I passed inside. He leaned against the door blocking my retreat if I wanted to run "I can't do this anymore Syn. Your silence is fucking killing me. I miss the fucking Fairy jokes, the light shining in your eyes when you smile. I can't believe I am actually saying this…but I miss your sassy fucking mouth Pet."
I blinked at him and shook my head, "I just lost one of my best friends and you miss my sassy fucking mouth?"
His lips turned up until he was smiling, he stepped closer and pulled me against him. His eyes watching me intensely as he did so. "I need to feed and I want it to be from you. Since I need to teach you Syn, I could do both at once. You have yet to hit the Transition but it would show you how to when the time was right. If you don’t want to…well I won't force it. You are under contract, out of everything in it—you didn’t argue my feeding from you. Just so there is no misunderstanding between us, I sent Claire back to Faery when you agreed."
I didn’t answer him. Hearing that he had sent her away had created a warm fuzzy feeling inside of me though. I smiled as much as I could manage and started clumsily unbuttoning his shirt as I met his eyes giving him all the answer he needed. I wanted him and right now he was the perfect distraction. I knew he wasn’t the Dark Prince. He was more than that—so much more than that, but I didn’t care right now.
He was ancient and deadly and yet he'd been gentle and comforting when I needed him most. I'd signed the contract with the agreement that he teach me what I needed to know to live. While I didn’t embrace the idea of being Fae, I had no plans on dying because I was too stubborn to feed. His hands glided down my back until he found the zipper on the back of the dress and undid it slowly.
When it was undone, I let the dress slide down my body to pool at my feet. Ryder hissed and before I knew what he was doing, he pinned me up against the wall, his knee between my legs as his hand held mine high above my head. "I hate that I want you Syn and I hate that I can't stay away from you or that no matter how fucking hard I try to get you out of my head—you stay."
His mouth clashed against mine gently, as I opened and allowed his kiss to consume me. His other hand reached down and pushed past my panties, rubbing over the nub that lit up my insides instantly. He groaned as I moaned against his mouth, his words penetrating my mind. He hated that he wanted me as much as I hated that I wanted him.
He removed his hand and picked me up as he pressed me against the wall. I ripped the buttons from his shirt, unable to wait to touch his flesh any longer. He grinned as his mouth claimed mine again, with a deep urgency I felt in my soul.
We moved from the wall to the bed, where he dropped me roughly and continued working the buttons on his jeans until his sex jutted out, ready, with come glistening on the bulbous head. He bent down low, as I lifted my hips, he pulled the panties down and off of me and yet he held my feet up. He held my legs apart and growled deeply from inside his chest as his eyes feasted on what lay between them.
"I’ve thought of little else besides fucking you since we left Faery. Gentle or hard, decide because I can’t do both right now."
"Ryder," I whispered not knowing which I preferred. I wanted both, I wanted him. I ran my hands down my stomach watching his greedy eyes follow them, until I got too close to touching myself, he growled and shook his head in warning. "Just make the pain stop, make me not think, make me feel dirty."
He smiles wickedly, "I'm going to fuck you Pet, I promise to not stop until your legs tremble and the only words you can say is more and now. Syn, I'm the kinda dirty that doesn’t wash off, remember you asked for it," he went down to his knees still holding my feet and used them t
o pull me forward.
His hot breath teasing, as it fanned against my cold flesh, his tongue darting out to draw small circles on my flesh as he got closer to where I needed him. He stopped, looking up to meet my hungry eyes. "It might shock you at first, if it's too much, tell me to stop and we can try again when you are ready."
Stop? I was about to ask him what he meant, when his mouth touched my core, tongue flicking long hard strokes over my clit, I was trembling from the sensation when it started. I felt it. The throbbing need was removed with a desire so hot and wild that my body hummed with it. My eyes closed as my head thrashed from side to side as orgasm, after orgasm shook my entire body.
I was so wrong before, this was why they let them feed, this was why women sought them out. Everything inside of me liquefied, my thighs trembled as his mouth continued, his eyes lighting to liquid gold as he fed from me. Me. Not Claire. Not another woman, he was feeding from me and I was enduring it. When he stopped feeding, I held his head in place and demanded more.
He growled and I felt him smile against me there. He reached his hands beneath my legs and pulled me closer, forcing my legs over his shoulders as he gave in and sucked hard and soft at the same time. His fingers entering me and joining in the assault. I exploded again and while I shook from the sheer force if it, when I opened my eyes he was leaning over me with masculine pride shining in his eyes.
"You're fucking amazing, you are unlike anything I have ever tasted before," he whispered waiting as I rode the ever growing wave that was rushing through my body. I was floating and falling at the same time. It was like a deadly drug pulsing through me and yet it was beautiful at the same time. I was lost in his golden glow, his eyes swirled as if an entire constellation of stars sat lost inside their fiery depths. "I want my cock buried so far inside of this tight pussy. Can I fuck you Pet, can I?" He smirked.
I tried to speak, my tongue wasn’t working and it took several attempts before I could finally speak. I just laughed and laughed until Ryder was staring at me like I had lost my marbles. I laughed until I cried and when he scowled at me, I laughed even more.
Fae Chronicles 01 - Fighting Destiny Page 33