by Raine Miller
Suddenly, a loud, rolling rumble erupted from her stomach.
“Oh,” she said. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” he murmured, moving in closer.
Another loud growl came from her belly. “Oh!” She sat up.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t feel well.”
He stroked her tummy.
Without warning, a loud, crackling fart erupted from her backside.
She cringed, pressing her legs together. “Oh, god. How embarrassing.”
He had to admit, the toxic smell that was now flooding the room was a bit of a mood-killer. However, he was still willing to go with the flow if she was. “No worries, honey. Things happen. We’re all human.”
A long, gaseous, sound reverberated through the room.
Kate jumped up and pulled the towel around her. “Ooh, my stomach hurts.”
She ran to the bathroom and closed the door.
After a moment, sounds of burbling diarrhea splashing into the toilet water echoed through the thin bathroom wall. Kate grunted. More splashing, burbling, popping sounds. She groaned. More plops, more loud farts.
Ben, still lying on the bed, cringed. His now-flaccid penis lay against his leg like a shriveled banana peel. He stroked it, screwing his eyes shut. Picture her naked. Picture her naked. Picture her naked.
In his mind, he saw her naked on the toilet, bent forward and grunting.
He clamped his eyes tighter.
She’s on the bed in lingerie, gazing up at you with come-hither eyes. Picture her on the bed. On the bed, damnit!
He worked at his penis, trying in vain to get it hard again.
Another resounding outburst of gas, followed by water-plopping sounds.
Picture me inside of her. Wetness. Her insides gripping me tightly. Her naked body. Keep it up, old buddy. She’ll finish with her, ah, bathroom duty, and then she’ll return and you can pick up where you left off.
Another long, fiery-sounding explosion of gas, followed by groans and echoes of runny shit splashing into water.
Ben rolled over and pulled his pillow over his head. It was useless. His thoughts had once again turned to his wife huddled on the toilet with brown water pouring out of her ass.
Not exactly a turn-on.
His dick crawled back into its shell for good.
CHAPTER 15
Limo Blow
Ben didn’t much enjoy the thick silence that hung in the air between him and his wife, substantial and unyielding, as they raced down the freeway toward home. She stared out the limousine window, her eyebrows pulled low over her eyes and her lips pressed together into a thin, white line. Her face was pale and her damp hair was plastered across her forehead. She had dark hollows under her eyes. Her stint in the hotel bathroom had lasted a full hour and sent a toxic cloud of fumes emanating through the room and lingering outside in the hallway an hour later when they left. Poor thing. She was sometimes prone to stomach issues, but this had been the worst.
“I’m sorry you’re not . . . you know, feeling well,” he finally said, not knowing how else to broach the subject of her unfortunate, mood-killing bowel incident.
She frowned. “I told you I can’t eat gluten. Why did you force me to eat those pancakes?”
He sighed. There she went, blaming him as usual. “I didn’t force you to eat them.”
“They’re ten dollars each, ten dollars each,” she said, mimicking him.
“I never said they were ten dollars each.”
“Stop playing semantics with me, Ben! You said the plate was thirty dollars. There were three pancakes. That makes ten dollars each.” She groaned and rubbed her forehead. “God, my head hurts so much. I need fresh air.” She leaned over and pressed the window button. A blast of smog-laced freeway air hit them both in the face. She sat back in her seat. The wind ruffled her hair. She closed her eyes. “Some weekend, huh?”
Ben got an idea on how to salvage the day. He bent down and opened the side pocket of his overnight bag. His fingers closed around a black velvet necklace box.
Boy, was she going to be surprised!
Next on his Fifty Shades list was surprising his wife with an elaborate gift, Christian-Grey style. He hadn’t bought her a computer or car (so uncreative!) but had thought of something much better. Something unique, romantic. Something that would blow her mind.
He couldn’t wait to see her expression when she saw it.
“How about if I make the weekend up to you?” he asked, pulling out the box.
Her eyebrows flew up. “What did you do?”
“I wanted to show my love. With something special.” He held the box out toward her.
“Ben, you shouldn’t have.” She took the box with a wondrous expression on her face. She looked at it, then him, with glowing eyes. “You haven’t gotten me any jewelry since . . .” She paused to think.
“Our wedding day,” they both said in unison.
“So it’s long overdue,” he said. “You’re going to love it. It’s unique. I designed it myself.”
“You did?” She stared at him. “You’ve been showing such a romantic side lately. I appreciate how much you’re trying. What have I done to deserve this?”
“You’ve just been yourself, baby.” That sounded like something Christian Grey would say.
She smiled and touched the velvet lid. “Should I open it now?”
“Of course. That’s why I brought it out.”
The wind blew her hair around her face as she slowly lifted the lid. She looked so pretty, even with her tired features. He couldn’t wait to see the necklace on her, then kiss her neck while she was wearing it.
She slowly opened the box. She gasped. “What is this?”
“What does it look like?”
“Well, a necklace, of course, but . . .” She held up the long, paper origami chain that he’d stayed up late making, four nights in a row, after she’d gone to bed. “Did you make this out of . . . money?”
He smiled proudly. “Yep. Hundred dollar bills. Ten thousand dollars worth.”
She gasped, then her forehead crinkled. “But—”
“Yes, I withdrew it from the 401K. I think of it as an investment in our future.”
“That’s not very wise.” She stared down at the necklace. By her expression, she was both shocked and touched.
“No, but it’s worth it. I wanted to do this, Kate. To show you how much I love you in a unique way.”
She turned over the paper necklace in her hands. “It’s definitely unique.” She pulled it over her head. The chain of green origami triangles fell just below her breasts. She stared down at it, the edges of her mouth twitching. He couldn’t tell if she was trying not to laugh or cry. She leaned over and gave him a kiss. “Thank you, sweetie. I’m touched. Really, I am.”
He smiled. “That’s not all, babe. I thought you could wear it to Tiffany’s.”
She met his eyes with a confused expression.
“You heard me right. We’re going to stop by Tiffany’s, the high-end jewelry place. You can turn in the origami necklace for a real one. A diamond one.”
Her mouth dropped open. “What?”
He nodded, unable to contain his grin. “Yep, a beautiful diamond necklace. You deserve it. We can stop on the way. Christian Grey has nothing on me, huh?” He leaned forward to address the limo driver. “Sir, could you take us straight to Tiffany’s in Beverly Hills?”
The driver nodded. “Yes, sir.”
A huge smile flooded her features. “Oh, Ben!” She threw her arms around him. Then she pulled back. “We shouldn’t. We can’t afford it. We need to pay for Olivia’s college and—”
He answered by pulling her close and kissing her deeply on the mouth. Her lips against his were soft and yielding. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He drew her to his chest. She gazed up at him.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you, too,” he said, warming at the way she whispered the words a
nd the feel of her fingers
stroking his bald patch.
Just then, a large gust of wind blew her hair back and her dress up. The origami necklace flew up over her neck. It sailed up high, unanchored, toward the roof.
Ben lunged for it.
Kate grabbed for it frantically.
The necklace whirled through the car, buoyed by the gust of wind.
“Roll up the window!” Ben screamed. She frantically punched at the buttons.
The necklace whipped by their heads. Ben made a desperate lunge for it but his fingers grasped thin air.
Another strong blast of wind blew the necklace high toward the roof. Then, as if being sucked out by a vacuum hose, it swiftly disappeared out the window.
CHAPTER 16
Full Moon
“Stop the car!” Ben shrieked.
The limo driver peered at them through his rearview mirror. “Sorry, sir. It’s too dangerous to pull over on the freeway.”
“I lost something. Stop the car now!” Ben screamed. He threw open the door. The freeway whizzed by, a blur of concrete.
Kate screamed and grabbed his arm.
The driver cursed and pulled over.
Ben jumped out of the limo before it stopped moving. He turned and ran down the shoulder, looking frantically for the necklace. Cars zoomed by, kicking up dust into his face.
He spotted the necklace, floating above the freeway near the slow lane. For a nonsensical moment, he wondered if he could actually dodge out between the cars like one of those old-time cartoon characters and grab it in slow motion. In blind panic, he took a step forward.
“No!” Kate shrieked behind him. “Don’t!”
He turned to see her standing by the limo, her dress whipping about her legs, her face twisted in panic.
“No!” she screamed again. “It’s not worth it. Let it go!”
He turned. The necklace was still soaring above the freeway, gusting this way and that as cars and trucks blasted past.
Maybe if I wait. Maybe it’ll blow this way.
A huge semitrailer barreled down the freeway. It caught the paper necklace against its large windows.
And then the necklace was gone, disappearing down the freeway on the hood of the blue eighteen-wheeler Best Buy truck.
Ben fell to the side of the road. He covered his face with his hands, unable to control the large sob that erupted from his chest.
His wife knelt beside him. “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. It’s the thought that counts.” Her voice was constricted. Ben looked up. She was crying, too.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, burying his face in her neck. “Everything I touch turns to shit.”
“No, it doesn’t,” she said, hugging him close. “It’s just money, Ben. We still have each other.”
This caused him to sob more deeply. She pulled him into her arms and stroked his head. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. I loved the necklace. I really did. I’ll remember it forever.”
“Oh, I’m sure you will. We both will.” He sobbed with abandon, pounding the dirt with his fist.
Kate rubbed his back, telling him repeatedly it would be okay. Someone cleared a throat behind them.
Ben looked up to see the limo driver gazing down at them with an embarrassed look on his face. “Uh, sorry to interrupt, but we really should get going. I could get ticketed for stopping on the shoulder like this.”
Ben pulled himself to his feet and helped his wife to hers.
“Did you find what you lost?” asked the driver.
Ben shook his head glumly.
“Sorry to hear that,” the driver said. He opened the door, and they climbed in.
Ben leaned back in his seat with a deep feeling of desolation flooding through him. Kate was right. He was no Christian Grey. In fact, he was the polar opposite of the mogul: a bumbling, idiotic, fat, bald, sex-deprived loser with no self-esteem and an anti-Midas touch. He might as well hang it up. He didn’t blame Kate for not wanting to have sex with him. He wouldn’t want to have sex with him, either.
He turned his head toward the window and closed his eyes, trying not to bawl like the pathetic, oversized baby he was.
The limo stopped with a lurch. “Sorry, folks,” the driver said. “Looks like we got some stop-and-go traffic up ahead. Might be a while. Want me to try for a side street?”
“Fine,” Ben said. The limo inched forward, blinker clicking. Ben leaned back and closed his eyes again. Good, traffic. Plenty of time to think about how he’d fucked up his life.
He didn’t know how much time passed, but Kate’s lips on his ear gave him a start. “So, what else is on your list, Mr. Grey?” He turned to see her face inches from his, smiling coyly. She stroked his chest.
He shook his head. “I’m done with the whole Fifty Shades experiment. It was a stupid idea.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she whispered. “I’m eager to know what you have planned next.”
He sighed. “Something you wouldn’t want to do.” He met her eyes. “Kate, let’s face it. I’m unable to recreate the Christian Grey experience for you in any way, shape or form.”
“Try me,” she whispered. She ran her hand over his legs and down toward his crotch. “What’s next on your agenda?” She stroked his penis through his pants, causing it to twitch and harden under her touch.
He paused, trying to ignore the warmth that was spreading throughout his lower region. “You wouldn’t like it, Kate. I know you.”
“C’mon,” she whispered. “Try me.”
He took a deep breath. “Spanking.”
She blinked. “Spanking? As in, hitting my bottom?”
He nodded. “Yes. I’m supposed to hit your bare bottom. With my open hand. Like Christian Grey did with Ana.”
“That’s right, I remember that scene from the book.” She met his eyes. “I want to try it.”
He stared at her in surprise. “You do?”
She nodded.
“Now?” He glanced at the driver who was periodically assessing them from his rearview mirror.
“Why not?” She leaned forward and pressed a button. The privacy partition slid up between them and the driver.
She grinned and moved closer, fingering the button of his jeans. “So, handsome, where do we start?”
“You don’t have to do this, you know, out of pity—”
“Shut up and fuck me.” She grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward.
“Wow, Kate—”
“But spank me first.”
He stared at her, his mouth falling open. She smiled at him seductively. This was so out-of-character for her, but he had to admit, he liked it. He was getting more turned on by the moment.
He took her in his arms, and they kissed long and hard. Their tongues intertwined, circling each other, darting in and out. Heat spread through his lower region as he caressed her full breasts under her dress. She moaned. He bit her lip lightly. She sucked in her breath and kissed him harder, her hand stroking the crotch of his jeans. His penis grew hard at her touch, pulsing with anticipation.
“Spank me,” she whispered in his ear.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” She crawled up beside him on the seat.
He pulled her down so she was lying across his lap. He lifted her dress.
She wriggled closer, grinding herself against his groin. He groaned.
“Spank me, Ben.”
He slowly pulled down her panties so her full ass was exposed. He held his hand flat and lightly tapped her with his palm.
“Come on, is that all you got?” she asked. “Harder.”
He slapped her again. Her bottom was smooth against his hand. The flesh turned pink, ever-so-slightly.
“Harder, Ben! Give it to me.”
He raised his hand and brought it down on her bottom, hard, leaving a red mark.
“Harder!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
His dick pulsed against her belly. God, thi
s was more of a turn-on than he’d imagined.
He raised his hand and brought it down against her bare skin, as hard as he could. Thwack!
The door to the limo flew open.
The driver let out a loud gasp. The Beverly Hills Tiffany store loomed in the background. Swarms of well-dressed people strolled by on a crowded sidewalk, their faces craning toward the limo to see which celebrity would emerge. Faces registered collective shock at what they saw: a middle-aged woman draped over a man’s lap, her naked white bottom thrust out for the world to see, with the man’s hand poised high
to spank it.
CHAPTER 17
Hiding It in the Box
When Ben arrived to work on Monday morning, the last two people he wanted to see were Rick Johnson and Sal Rizzoli. But there they were, draped over his cubicle and grinning like two jackals that’d just spotted a fresh carcass.
“How’d it go?” Sal asked. “Did Kate like the helicopter ride?” He winked.
Ben resisted the urge to beat the smirk off his co-worker’s face. Sal had set him up with the Nam vet, no doubt about it.
“How’s ol’ Christian Grey?” Rick said, nudging Ben. “Get some?”
The men cackled.
Ben cringed. It was going to be a long day. A very long, very bad day. The only redeemable thing he had to look forward to was Kate’s tuna-salad-and-cilantro sandwich, hidden safely in the far end of the refrigerator in a decoy cracker box. Sal wouldn’t find it this time. And it was a good thing for him, too, because with Ben operating on one last frayed nerve after the weekend he’d just had, Sal could very well end up in bad shape if he pushed Ben’s buttons today. Especially since Sal had also been the one to recommend that helicopter company.
“C’mon, spill the beans,” Rick urged. “Did you finally lay your wife?”
“Shh,” Ben said, looking around. “Do you have to be so goddamn loud?”