by Hart, Cary
“The dust has settled, Dr. Feelgood.” I slowly drag out his name. “I’m about to orgasm my way to my very own happy ever after.”
“Although I’m not encouraging this promiscuous activity, I am applauding you for realizing a change has to be made.” Austin’s voice is now clear and deep.
“A huge change,” I agree. “I’m going from unlucky in love to getting lucky. You can’t get any better than that.”
“Well, Clover—it sounds like you’re a woman who knows what she wants,” Austin turns his body toward me as he continues to talk into the mic, “but how about we see what the listeners think? If you have gone through a similar situation or have some advice to give Ms. Unlucky in Love, pull out your phones and call in, email, text, or tweet—use whatever means you have to—the Hotline Hookup wants to hear from you.”
Listeners?
Callers?
Hotline Hookup?
Thoughts accelerate inside my head. I try to slow them down so I can understand what happened, but I can’t hear them over the hammering inside my chest.
I can’t stay here.
I need out.
I rush to the door and fumble with the knob, but something keeps me from leaving.
Breathe.
One, two, three, four…
I can hear Austin saying something, but he sounds distant and muffled.
Breathe.
…five, six, seven, eight…
“Let me explain.”
Breathe.
…nine, ten.
Taking one last deep breath, I spin around and come face-to-face with Austin Montgomery, aka Dr. Feelgood, and poke him in the chest. “What in the hell were you thinking?”
His hands fly in the air. “I swear to God, I didn’t…”
“Nice try!” I walk us backward, my finger jabbing into his chest. “You needed a boost…”
“Oh, come on, Clover—” Austin grabs my hand and holds it up between us. “This accidentally hit the On-Air button, turning on the mic and overriding our taped segment.”
“Ohhh.” I twist around and begin to replay the events in my mind. “And when you…?”
“Yep! I wasn’t trying to interrupt you because I didn’t agree. I was trying to get your attention.” Austin sighs, letting go of my hand. “I didn’t know what to do except run with it.”
“This is so embarrassing.” I fall into the extra seat. “Did I say my name?” I try to wrack my brain.
“First name, yes, but I don’t think you revealed your last.” Austin runs a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry…”
The door suddenly swings open and Owen barges in. “Holy shit! I don’t know what in the hell just happened, but emails are pouring in, calls are filling up the lines, and tweets…” Owen pulls out his phone. “They are tweeting the station inquiring how they can get ahold of UnLucky in Love.”
“We need to shut this down.” Austin rushes over to his computer.
“What does this mean?” I groan. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“You!” Owen rushes over to my side, “have nothing to be embarrassed about.” He pats my knee and continues. “You are what we need!”
“Decker…” Austin warns. “I know exactly what you’re thinking, and she’s off-limits.”
“If she agrees, why does it matter?” Owen disputes.
I raise my hand. “She is right here and can hear everything you’re saying.”
“This bastard,” Austin jerks his thumb in Owen’s direction, “wants to use you for a ratings boost.”
“Did you not hear her? She’s tired of settling and wants more.” Owen begins to scroll through his phone. “Listen to what these callers had to say.”
“Hook me up with Unlucky in Love.”
“I will pluck her four-leaf clover.”
“I will give her the world.”
“Unlucky in Love, where have you been all my life?”
“I wish more women were like Clover.”
“No, Owen. She just went through a breakup. She isn’t ready.” Austin tries to defend me, but I’m not sure if I want him to.
“How will five emails boost your ratings?” I chime in.
“Oh, Clover, it’s more like…” Owen scrolls through his phone, “five hundred and counting. New York is in love with you.”
“Why?” Austin and I both ask at the same time.
“What do you mean why?” I glare at him. “Am I not lovable?”
“Who cares what he thinks.” Owen offers his hand, and I take it. Pulling me up, he continues. “You are just what Hotline Hookup needs, and from what I heard, you need us too. Let us help.”
“No! Dammit!” Austin steps between us, putting himself in Owen’s face. “Clover is vulnerable right now. She doesn’t know what she wants and I’m not going to let you push her into a decision she isn’t ready to make.”
“Austin,” I hold up my hand, “let Owen talk.”
I have lived my whole life according to a plan designed to give me my perfect forever, the problem—it’s what I thought I had to do to get there. I never actually allowed myself to make a mistake, and right now, I want to make all the mistakes.
Owen waggles his eyebrows at Austin. “Let Hotline Hookup filter through all these emails, texts, calls, and what not, and find your perfect match.”
“How will you do that?”
“Yeah, how will we do that?” Austin speaks up and stands beside me, not behind me.
“Austin will interview you. Find out your likes and dislikes, what you look for in a perfect date, and clear up the whole sex thing.”
“Sex thing?” I question.
“Clover, the things is…” Owen tries to tiptoe around the question.
“Decker…” Austin warns, “you’re treading on thin ice, man.”
Owen nods once, acknowledging Austin’s concerns. “Well, during your revelation, it came across like you want to find multiple partners to see who you’re sexually compatible with. During your interview with Austin, we will address those comments and clear them up. Lose the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am assholes.”
“But I do want that.” I turn and point to Austin. “I want what he has.”
Austin coughs.
Owen practically dies laughing.
And I stand there irritated that these jerks aren’t taking me seriously. “Really, guys?”
“Sorry, Clo.” Austin hangs his head, covering his mouth with his fist.
“We will make sure you get what you want.” Owen checks the time. “Do you have a couple hours to spare?”
“This is really happening?” Austin stands there shaking his head.
“Brother, this is going to get me and you a big raise and our number one spot back.”
“Clover, if this ever becomes too much and you want to pull the plug—just say the words and I’ll end it. No questions asked. You got it?” Austin tries to reassure me.
“Got it.” I smile, then look up at Owen. “Where do I sign?”
“Clover, you won’t regret this.” Owen shakes his phone in the air as he walks backward to the door.
“I’m counting on it.”
Hmm…maybe today isn’t so bad after all.
CHAPTER 7
CLOVER
What—a—day! I went from being almost engaged to single and ready to mingle. Like, who does that? Someone who was never ready to settle down in the first place—that’s who. That’s right! I’m admitting almost all my plans were bogus. Especially the sex doesn’t matter rule. Obviously, it does—a lot.
Now, thanks to a little mishap on-air, I’ll have a chance to test out my new theory—that a great relationship is not only based on how well you get along on the surface, but the tingle you get between the sheets—literally.
At first, when Owen barged into the studio and presented us with his idea, I was a little taken aback. Basically, I admitted to over thirty million listeners, that I, Clover Kelley, wanted to become a whore.
Be careful for what you wish for because it
may come true.
It’s not that I want to become a whore or be known as one, I just want to know what it feels like to have an orgasm that isn’t self-induced. Is that so wrong?
“Hold the elevator!” CJ comes running through the parking garage with a pizza box in one hand and a bag in the other. Mal is right behind her holding a couple bottles of wine.
“Um, did I forget we had plans?” I try to recall everything we discussed at lunch and I’m pretty sure dinner at Austin’s was not a topic brought up.
“Hello?” Mal pipes up. “We heard you! Hence why we brought this.” She holds up the bottles. “Pinot, your fave.”
“WTF, Clo? We told you to try the eggs, not broadcast it for all the United States to hear.” CJ leans back against the mirrored wall.
“Okay.” I clap my hands together. “This totally wasn’t necessary.”
“Damn if it wasn’t.” CJ pushes off the wall. “I know you. Don’t pretend this is all okay when, deep down inside, you’re shitting bricks right about now.”
“Actually, all is good. I was just heading up to see Kramer and unpack.” The elevator dings, the steel wall slides open, and I rush out.
“Running away from the truth!” CJ hollers after me.
“What? No!” I turn. Both Mal and CJ are looking at me like I’ve lost my marbles. So, I do the only thing I know how to do: distract them from the obvious and tempt them with the possibility. “I thought we could finish this inside. You know, so we can discuss the details of my new online dating show over pizza and pinot.”
“Dating show?” Mal and CJ blurt out at the same time.
I shrug my shoulders and open the door. “Come in and I’ll tell you all about how this girl is going to get lucky in lust.”
Or love…
A girl can dream, can’t she?
“Oh-em-gee! This pizza is so good!” CJ moans. “I swear, I’ve had it every week since you brought the leftovers home from the office.” She takes another bite and continues not caring that her mouth is stuffed full. “Like, who even thought of this? Potato and bacon on a pizza?” CJ picks up a couple slices. “Is it a baked potato or is it a pizza?” She smacks them together to make one thick slice. “It’s both! Genius!”
“You know that new real estate agent I hired, Antonette? Well, it’s her father’s place.” I pick up one more slice, fold it over, and stuff it in my mouth.
“No way.” Mal sticks her head up over the chair. “Her father owns Grand Avenue Pizzeria?” Mal quickly falls down as she sees Kramer in the corner, ruffling his feathers, squawking, “I see you.”
Ever since she walked through the door, Kramer has been all over her and giving me the cold shoulder—which is why she’s busy playing hide-and-seek while her pizza gets cold.
“Yeah, I was a Sorbillo’s girl until she brought one of these bad boys into the office.” I pick a potato slice off and pop it into my mouth. “There was no going back.”
“Speaking of…” Mal stands and grabs her plate before plopping down into Austin’s oversized recliner. “When are you going back to work?”
“Antonette assures me she has it under control.” I reach for my phone and send her a quick text to check-in.
Me: How’s it going?
Ant: It’s good. A couple offers were accepted today.
Me: Great! Hey, has anything been delivered for me?
Ant: You mean this?
Antonette sends me a pic of a very thick legal envelope marked confidential. In the background is a weird-shaped pizza. Is that?
Me: Thx. What kind of pizza is that?
I quickly snap a pic of the box and hit send.
Ant: I told you the potato bacon slice was addicting.
Ant: My bro hand-delivered me a pie since I was working late.
Ant: Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.
A pic comes through, and sure enough, there it is, a Grand Avenue special in the shape of a penis.
Ant: Yeah, he told me to “eat a dick.”
Me: That is a dick worth devouring.
Ant: Gross! My bro made that with his hands.
Me: #dead
I can’t help it. So much has been bubbling beneath the service, I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry. So, I do nothing. Then all it takes is getting a picture of a pizza penis and it sets me off and this isn’t just a normal laugh out loud chuckle…it’s a full on cross your legs and try not to pee your pants outburst.
“What in the hell?” CJ jumps up and takes my phone. “Pizza penis. Sweet!”
“I want to see.” Mal grabs the cell. “Someone has a sense of humor.”
“Her—br-brother,” I finally choke out, “told her to eat a dick.”
CJ joins in. “Ha! I would like to meet him. Sounds like a guy I would like to—”
“No!” I shout. “Brothers are off-limits.”
“Are they, though?” Mal chimes in. “Because I wouldn’t care if either of you wanted my brother.”
I scrunch my face. “Ew.”
“You hear that, Clo? I got Rainbow Brite’s okay.” CJ grins at Mal.
“Don’t start,” I warn.
“Holy shit! I told you I meant to look like this.” Mal waves her hands near her brightly colored feet. “You wear statement socks all the time. I was going for the comfort look.”
“Let’s get one thing clear.” CJ turns around. “This is a look. A style that no other could pull off. Every day is a statement. A daily warning label if you will.”
“A T-shirt that says ‘Shhh! No one cares.” Mal tugs on the hem of CJ’s cotton tee. “And socks that say “fuck” and “off” is not a daily statement it’s downright scary.”
“Like I said, a warning label.”
“You guys are unbelievable. How about you pick up the dinner mess, open the other bottle of wine while I wrap up this convo with Antonette, and I’ll fill you in on everything that’s going on.”
“Fine,” Mal huffs.
CJ points at her shirt, giving me a go to hell glare.
Me: I have a few personal things I have to take care of, but I’ll pop in next week and check in.
Ant: I’ve got this! I’m making us some moo-lah!
Me: Good, because I need to start looking for a place of my own.
Ant: I’ll keep a lookout.
Me: Thx.
Ant: No problem-o
Me: Call if you need me.
Ant: K, boss!
That went better than expected.
“Poop. Poop. Poop,” Kramer squawks from the living room.
“Oh shit!” I run and open his cage. “Here buddy. There are no accidents on Uncle Austin’s floor.”
“Poop. Poop. Poop.” He sits beside Mal, gently pecking at her arm.
“Seriously, Kramer?” I walk over to him, holding out my arm for him to climb on, but he doesn’t.
“He’s a little upset.” Kramer climbs up her arm until he’s perched on her shoulder.
“Poop. Poop. Poop,” Kramer continues.
“Buddy, I didn’t want to leave you,” I coo.
“He’s just a bird.” CJ rolls her eyes.
“Well, that ‘just a bird’ has to poop.” I point to his cage. “Mal, you better get him in his cage.”
“Ew! Don’t let him poop on me!” She begins to wiggle.
“Don’t! You’re scaring him.” I reach out, and Kramer hops on. “Come on, buddy. Momma loves you.” I shoot Mal a dirty look as he hops off into his cage.
“What? I thought he was going to shit on me.” Mal heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.
“I swear.” I shake my head, grab my glass, and take her seat…well, Austin’s recliner, the most coveted seat in the house. I’m not sure whether it’s because he broke it in or it’s that comfortable. Either way, I’m settling in for the evening.
“Wheee…” Mal slides into the room. “Okay! I’m ready!” She skids to a stop.
“Story time with Clover!” CJ pipes up. “This should be good.�
� She falls back onto her feet on the white fur rug.
“So, after I left Cuppa Joe’s, I was going to go back to Austin’s and come up with a new plan, but I remembered I forgot to grab the key so I had to swing by the studio and figured since I was dropping by I would grab us lunch as well.” I clap my hands together. “Which, CJ, that sub place was amazing.”
“I told you.” CJ glances over at Mal. “Let’s go there tomorrow.”
“I’m game.” Mal gives her a thumbs-up.
“No can do, guys. You are going to have plans with me, but let me finish this story before we discuss.” I look between the two. “Are we good?”
“Carry on.” CJ waves her hand, and Mal leans back into the cushion and gets comfy.
“So, I was on my way up to the studio when I receive a Google dick from Austin. Actually, it was more of a porn peen, but I guess go big or go home, right?” I shoot them both a dirty look. My way of getting a little dig in for telling our secrets.
“Wait, rewind.” CJ shakes her head. “Austin sent you, Clover Kelley, his BFF, a dick pic?”
“Don’t play dumb. You guys are the only ones who knew.” I watch them silently point at each other and deny it. “Anyway, we were joking around about the Google dick when he kept smiling and talking to some skank.”
“Oh God! I do not want to hear what my brother does in his spare time.”
“I thought you didn’t care about who your brother fucked.” CJ smirks.
“I don’t care who he dates. Big difference. Huge!”
“Back to me, guys.” I point to myself. “Basically, I had a series of ah-ha moments during the time he was texting whore number who knows what when I realized Austin seems happy being a manwhore, and you, CJ…” I wince, “let’s just say you know what you like.”
“Damn skippy I do!” She winks.
“And, Mal, you were doing something to get that dick pic. Even if it was just putting yourself out there,” I admit.
“It was stupid. All those dating sites are dumb.” Mal turns her phone around and points at a few of them. “This one—dumb. That one—overrated. Oh, and this one—liars!”
“You’re not hearing what I’m saying. Basically, the egg talk during coffee worked. I want to try the eggs!”
“She means dicks,” CJ translates for me.