by Hart, Cary
Broken promises.
I don’t know what keeps me around. Guilt or doubt. Maybe the two go hand in hand, but all I know is something has to change. I’m a broken shell of the person I once was. Begging myself to feel anything other than the emptiness that has filled my soul.
Laugh, cry, yell, scream...FEEL damn it!
I know darkness has overcome him, hiding the man he once was, but how can I help him when I don’t even know what is wrong? When he doesn’t even realize he is broken?
Blind.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I could have been better. Done more...been a better wife instead of the mother I craved to be.
I know this is it. This time it has to happen. It’s the only chance we both have in being happy. The next time has to end.
Change.
Rolling over I look at the man lying beside me. Full, dark brown waves of hair touched by a restless sleep. His sun-kissed tan skin glistens from a light sheen of sweat and the glow of the bathroom light. His eyes flutter open.
“Well, hello Mrs. Harris.” A slight smile splays across his sleepy face.
Seeing him like this makes me smile. This is the man I married. This is the man I miss. The playful, cute, yet very sexy man that I’ve always known him to be.
“You feeling a little frisky?” He reaches out, pulling me in close. I should stop him, but I don’t. A part of me wants to do this. To see if I can feel anything when I’m with him. No outside stress, no fighting, just me and him. The way it used to be. When we were just us.
“Well—” I begin, but I’m interrupted by his phone pinging like crazy. It’s not unusual for him to get notifications during the night from USA Today or ESPN, but this was a Facebook Message ping and someone is blowing up his phone.
“Hold for a second. It’s probably just someone from work.” He lets go of me and rolls over to check his phone.
“Can’t it wait?” I look over to the clock and notice the time. “It’s 3 a.m. and you are on Facebook, not email.”
“Damn it Aubrey! Just give me one fucking minute.” Doug types something back. I try to look over his shoulder, wondering who could possibly be messaging him this late at night, but he takes notice and angles his phone to where I can’t see.
Secrets.
I turn away from him as a lone tear escapes.
Doubt.
“So where were we?” He pulls me up his body. My back glides against his warm skin feeling every muscle of his solid torso.
I roll over and away from him.
“Aubrey, what’s wrong, babe?”
Anger.
“Who was on the phone, Doug? Who from work messages you on Facebook?” I question, but I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’m jealous. More curious than anything.
Insecurity.
“My assistant. She recently left her husband and her daughter is sick. She won’t be in tomorrow and wanted to make sure I saw it first thing in the morning.”
Lies.
“That seems a little weird that your assistant is messaging you. Why not email you? You always check them first thing in the morning.”
“Hell if I know, but whatever you are thinking, get it out of your head.” He cups my face, bringing my eyes up to his. “I think she was overwhelmed and couldn’t think. That’s it. Nothing more.”
Excuses.
“Doug, I can’t do this. I’m not happy. You aren’t happy and our daughter is suffering. It’s changing us. I want a divorce.”
Scared.
Relieved.
Shocked.
“OK.”
Breathe.
CHAPTER ONE - AUBREY
Nine Months Later
“GET YOUR ASS OUT of bed, skank.” Niki’s voice carries into the room before she physically makes an appearance. She sets something down on my dresser then flips on the lights and pulls the comforter and sheets off me in one swift move.
“Seriously? I will cut a bitch for coming in here, waking me—”
“Calm your tits, I got coffee.” After going back to the dresser she stalks over to me, handing me what I hope is my favorite.
After examining the cup, I finally bring it up to my lips, squinting my eyes, silently praying it’s cooled off enough for me to take a sip.
“For fuck’s sake.” Stealing the cup from my hands she takes a gulp. I would say sip, but Niki and coffee, she doesn’t sip. She gulps. It doesn’t matter how hot it is. She will risk her taste buds for a quick fix.
Rolling her eyes, she leaves the room.
“Hey!” I shout after her, weighing how important that cup of coffee is to me. Do I actually get up and fight to win it back or pick up the blankets from the floor and snuggle back into bed?
Deciding on the latter, I crawl down to the end of the bed, grabbing for the covers to spare myself the taunting that will ensue once she sees my granny panties.
“Seriously?” Niki questions while propping herself against the door frame.
“What?” I grab the covers and then quickly fall back into the pillows. “I’m c-cold,” my voice is muffled from the comforter blanketing my face.
“You’re old? Yeah, well. We all can’t be as young and hot as me,” Niki says with an evil laugh. She knew what I said.
Bitch!
“Oh, now I’m a bitch.” I hear her coming toward me. “Such a bitch I went downstairs to put two ice cubes in your cup to ruin a perfectly made Venti white-chocolate latte with nonfat milk, but with whip?’
Flinging the covers off my face. “I said that out loud?”
Giving me the stink eye, she pushes the coffee into my face. “Drink up, Princess! Someone needs to get nice.”
Giving it right back, I stare her down before taking the cup from her hands. I trust she really did do as she said and I won’t lose my taste buds today.
Not today!
“Mmmm! This is sooo good. Thanks Nik, I needed that.”
“No kidding.” Nik nods, making her way toward the window and throwing me a sassy look over her shoulder.
“Ohhhh you wouldn’t.”
The curtains fly open exposing me to the morning light, disrupting any kind thoughts I had.
“Now I’m a bitch! Get your ass up! Today is the day. Can the real Aubrey Harris stand up?” She giggles, knowing I’m going to have the Eminem song “The Real Slim Shady” in my head.
“You’re not right.”
“Babe, we know this. Don’t fight it, just go with it.” Plopping down on the bed, jolting me in the process, she proceeds to make herself comfortable. “Can you hand me that?” Niki points to the mug she sat on the nightstand.
“Sure. Wait, you got me Starbucks but you fixed a K-Cup here?” I give her a puzzled look.
“Hell no! I downed that bitch by the time I pulled into the driveway. This is cup two for me.” She raises the mug into the air, smiles and downs the rest.
“Nik, thank you. You always know what I need.”
“Glad you think so.” She grabs hold of my arm, almost causing me to spill my drink. “Now, get up. We have big plans today.”
“I don’t want to do anything today,” I whine.
“Babe, I don’t care. I’m not letting you drown your sorrows by yourself. We are going out and considering these things...” She smacks her hand down on my leg and rubs back and forth. “Are so spikey they could be considered weapons of mass destruction, I’m going to say we need to start now.” She tries to shove me out of the bed and points to the bathroom. “Go! Shower, shave and take care of all the things where things may grow, if you know what I mean.” She winks.
“What kind of plans?” I avoid her demands.
“We are going out tonight,” she says with so much enthusiasm, I’m out of energy just listening to her.
“NO! No going out!” I’m not going to budge.
“Aubrey.” Pity is written all over her face. “It’s been nine months since you made the decision. It’s been six long months of finalizing the divorce and I know it’s b
een hard for you.”
“Don’t. Don’t feel pity for me.”
“I don’t feel pity. I’m so proud of you for making a decision. You have lived the last couple of years miserable.”
“Yeah. Some decision. I’m single and alone, my daughter is gone all weekend and all I want is for her to be here, with me.”
“Girl, come here.” She pulls me in for a hug. “You got this. Just remember the reasons why you did this.”
Giving her a squeeze back, I give some thought to her plans.
“You’re right.”
“Well, of course I am.” She gives me a pat on the back then pulls away. “Now, go! Be one with the shower. Join the clean people of the world. The clean, less-hairy people of the world.” She points down to my legs as I get up and walk away.
Niki was right. The shower was exactly what I needed and the shave...I feel like a woman again.
Niki pounds on the door. “Whatcha doin’ in there? Getting familiar with your lady bits?” She tries to turn the knob, but after previous walk-ins I’ve learned to always lock it.
“Hey!”
“Is for horses!” I shout back with an immature giggle.
“So not funny, Aubrey. I expect that from my preschoolers, but you? Now let me in.”
Huffing out a breath, I relent. “Fine.” I reach for the door and as soon as I unlock it, it flies open and hits me square in the head.
“OH SHIT! Aubrey, I’m so sorry.” She comes barreling towards me.
“Stay right there! YOU are dangerous!”
“Come on now, I’m totally harmless.” She smirks, knowing I know she is anything but.
“Let me brush my teeth and I’ll be out in just a minute. K?”
“Fine, I’ll get your clothes ready.” She heads out of the bathroom but hollers back. “But hurry. We have a pedi in about 30 minutes.”
Crap! Time to kick it into gear.
Finishing up in the bathroom, I exchange the towel for a soft, pink, cotton robe, a Mother’s Day present from Reece, my 5-year-old daughter. Pink is her favorite color and my least favorite, but I adore every gift she picks out even if it’s the shade of Pepto-Bismol.
Smiling, I tug on the ends of the belt, securing the robe, before I head out and face what Niki has in store for the day.
“I’m too sexy for my robe. Too sexy for my robe...” I strut out doing my best runway walk, but my smile fades and steps falter.
“What is that?” I point to a low-cut, sexy, red vixen dress. Too short and way too revealing for someone my age. It screams desperate divorcée.
“This! Is going to get you laid tonight!” She shrugs her shoulders like it’s no big deal.
“What? NO! You said pedicure. You said we are going out tonight.” I pick up the dress, crumpling it up in my hand. Yes, it’s that short it fits in one of my hands. “I just assumed dinner and drinks.”
“Babe, you assumed wrong.” She cautiously approaches me and pries one finger at a time away from the garment. “Now, give me this dress before we have to make another stop at the dry cleaners to get it pressed.”
Panic sets in. My breathing starts to increase, making it hard to catch my breath. “I can’t.”
“Breathe, Aubrey. Just breathe, babe.” Her voice is soft and reassuring as she rubs my back, trying to bring me back to a calm state.
“Nik, I can’t do this. Please. I’m not ready.”
Uncertainty.
“OK, you don’t have to get laid. Honestly, I was just kidding around, but you do need to get out and get your confidence back. I figured this dress would give you just that, and if you happened to go home with someone, that would just be an added bonus.”
“I got divorced to be happy, so he could be happy. Not to go out and find his replacement or a quick lay.”
“Well, who said it had to be quick?”
“NIKI!”
“OK, OK, I get it. Let’s just take baby steps today. First pedicures and then tonight it will just be me, you and Gavin. Nothing we haven’t done in the past couple of months. Just dinner and drinks at Spotlight.”
“OK, but promise me. No hook-ups.”
“Promise, babe.”
Looking into the mirror, I take a step back to examine myself. I don’t look like me. Well, I look like me I just don’t look like Mrs. Doug Harris.
Doug never criticized my looks. Actually, he used to say he loved my dark hair and porcelain skin, but a few years ago he started to show otherwise, making comments about random women.
“Did you see Kristy’s new hair color? Why don’t you get something like that?” So the next day I went and had my hair foiled with blonde lowlights.
But that wasn’t enough. Just a few months before we separated, he convinced me to bleach it all. Well, he didn’t really try hard. I think it was over dinner one night. Reece was at Doug’s parents’ and our waitress happened to be blonde. The next thing I knew he was complaining about his new assistant, but then somehow it turned into a compliment and me agreeing to bleach my hair.
“I can’t believe my new assistant took an extended lunch to color her hair. I don’t know who she thinks she is, but we have an hour. AN HOUR! Although I do have to say, it looked good.” He said it as he was taking a sip, but he made eye contact. I knew what he wanted, but he was afraid to ask.
So, the next day, I scheduled an appointment and surprised him with a new look and a scandalous outfit. That night was some of the best sex we had ever had.
Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath and open them to see Niki behind me holding up a pair of red hooker heels.
“What are those?”
“These,” she shoves them into my hands, “are the compromise to the red dress.”
I caved on the dress. Well, not the red one, but one similar and I do have to say this little black number has all the class with a little sass, but these shoes...these will scream sex appeal.
I could fight this battle but honestly, she knows me. Sometimes she knows exactly what I need before I need it. Grabbing onto the dresser with one hand I slip on the death traps with the other. I right myself and check out my reflection again. She was right.
“Dammmmn! You are on fire!” Niki saunters over, giving me a slow applaud. “You are smoking hot, my friend. This dress will be sure to—”
“NOOOOO! No pick-ups.”
“Slow your roll girl, and let me finish.” Her eyes soften as she gets in between me and the mirror. “You are hot and all the men will be flocking to our table, but this is for you. You need to feel like a woman again. Not a mom. Not a wife. Just a woman, who is sexy and confident. You lost that and tonight you are getting it back.”
Bringing her hand to my chin she lifts it and steps out of the way so I can catch my reflection once again.
“You are Aubrey Harris, a 32-year-old, insanely sexy, SINGLE mother. Own it.”
“OK, OK, you’re right. Let’s get our party on!” I do a little dance, throwing my hands in the air.
“Ummm, let’s get you some drinks. That,” she waves her finger around, “is mom dancing, but don’t worry. It’s nothing a little liquid courage can’t help.” Niki throws a couple crystal-studded hematite bracelets my way.
Sliding them onto both wrists, I fluff my hair up one last time before we head out. For once in my life, I’m going to let myself go and enjoy just being me.
CHAPTER TWO - AUBREY
“HEY SEXY LADIES!” GAVIN’S voice booms over the rest of the crowd as he stalks toward us.
Usually this doesn’t bother me, but tonight something else is in his eyes and I’m not sure I like the way it makes me feel: heart racing, nerves flaring. Do I want him to want me? I think I’m going to get sick.
“Hi! Gav...” I squeak out, stopping myself before I say or do something stupid, like maybe vomit all over his shoes, but I’m not even sure he noticed.
He gives me a once over and nods, then continues toward his intended target. Niki.
“Hey kid!” Gavin pi
cks Niki up and twirls her around before he sets her back down. He kisses her forehead as he wraps her up tight against his muscular frame.
I never thought much about their relationship before, but the look he gave her didn’t go unnoticed by me. I may have been out of the game for more than 12 years, but that look made me feel...
Excited?
Niki claims they are just friends, but this is anything but.
I met Niki when my daughter started preschool a couple years ago. Reece was what Niki called a stage five clinger. Never forcing me out the door, she encouraged me to stay and participate. I figured this would make it worse, yet to my surprise, after a week Reece was jumping out of the car excited to see what Miss Niki had in store for them.
Not even in my wildest dreams did I think Miss Niki, the young and eager preschool teacher, would become my wild and sassy foul-mouthed best friend.
I’ll never forget the day we bonded. She listened and made me laugh, on a day I was convinced would end in tears. A group of women who I have since nicknamed the Stepford Wives decided I needed an intervention. Apparently, they thought having my daughter in a public preschool was degrading to our social culture. I on the other hand disagreed and that didn’t sit well with them, causing me to endure two hours of them explaining why I was a bad mom.
After they left, I quickly called Doug, only to be told, “Umm? Your point is?”
My point? There wasn’t a point. I just wanted my husband to listen. To be an ear and let me vent, but instead he rushed off the phone so he could take his secretary out to lunch for Administrative Professional’s Day. What a slap in the face.
Rushing to school to pick Reece up early for a dentist appointment I ran right into Miss Niki, literally, with enough force to knock her small frame to the ground and send all the artwork she was carrying flying everywhere.
“Holy shit! My ass will hurt tomorrow.” She looked up at me. “Well, you going to help me up or just stand there?”
My mouth hung open, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After helping her up and picking up the papers, she took me to the classroom while they called for Reece to be brought in from the playground. I don’t know why I talked to her, but I explained my whole situation, and she listened. Something I craved that my husband didn’t give me. Quickly we became fast friends, the six-year age gap not making a difference.