by Talaine Mare
A Trans Popstar's World
When Life Dreams and Being Transgender Collide
A novel by Talaine Mare
Copyright (c) 2014 Talaine Mare. All rights reserved.
This work has been released under a creative commons licence (CC BY-NC-ND) under some circumstances, including for online archives.
Important Information
This book is about a trans perspective on various social issues trans people often face. It is written for both trans people and other people interested in learning about trans lives. It is based on the author's own experiences as well as the many stories of real life trans people she has come across over many years.
There were three aims in the writing of this book: to provide a picture of what trans lives are really like to interested non-trans people, to stimulate discussion in the trans community on some important issues we face, and to hopefully inspire some trans people to think about these issues.
Of course, not every trans person wants to be a pop star (actually the title is supposed to be tongue in cheek). However, the issues dealt with in the book are equally applicable to trans people wanting to pursue their dreams in a wide variety of life settings.
It is important to note that this book does not deal with some aspects of trans lives, including the medical aspects. The author believes that this is appropriate for two reasons. Firstly, this book is not written from a medical perspective and it is inappropriate to include 'unprofessional' medical advice. Secondly, there are many resources out there dealing with those aspects already. In fact, there is often an over-emphasis on the medical aspects of transition, distracting from the social issues of trans lives. This book hopes to provide a purely social side narrative of a trans life, something really too rare out there.
Although this novel is inspired by the experiences of the author, besides the main character (Katie Greenlight), who is partially based on the author, no other character is based on any real life person, and any resemblance is co-incidental. In particular, characters associated with transgenderism and characters associated with the quarter life crisis are based on general ideas of those experiences, and are not in any way related to the actual life of any specific real life individual. The events in the book are also wholly fictional, including all conversations and all material 'found on the internet', for example the stories about living in stealth.
More About The Author
About The Music In The Book
Chapter 1. THE REAWAKENING OF DREAMS
I probably should start off by introducing myself. My name is Katie Greenlight and I am 18 years old. I am also trans - also known as 'transgender' more formally, but I prefer the short form as it is easier to say. That is, when I was born, people thought that I was a boy, and for the first 16 years of my life I was treated as such. However, I had always knew that this was wrong, and shortly after my 16th birthday I told everyone who knew me about the real me. Of course, I changed the way I looked too. It's next to impossible to get people to think of you as a girl if you look like a boy, right?
Fortunately, my family has been supportive. The first few months were rough, because my parents didn't even know what being trans meant, or that it was possible for someone to feel that way. Their only previous exposure to anything remotely similar was drag queens. Their first concern was indeed that I would 'look like a drag queen', and looking like that 24/7 'probably wasn't the best way to present'. Whilst I totally respect drag queens and love a good drag show, being trans is a totally different thing. Drag is a show, but my life is not. Well, sometimes it is, but a lot of the time it's not. Consequently, I don't go out looking all glamorous like a drag queen all the time, for example. Anyway, what I was saying is that coming out as trans presented its own unique challenges. Whilst unless you have been living under a rock there is no confusion as to what being 'gay', 'lesbian' or 'bisexual' means, 'trans' is still a unknown and misunderstood topic to many people.
With a relatively supportive environment, I was able to go 'full time' just before my 17th birthday. What 'full time' means is simple - essentially it just means that I started presenting as myself 24/7, not going back to pretending to be a boy anymore. And whilst you could probably start doing so a week after you tell everyone, it's probably not the best idea. People need time to get used to the changes, and you need time to get 'passable' - which just means that you look like a normal girl and people don't stare when you go out. Working on your presentation for some time can really help in that area.
Since then, life has definitely been much better than before, at least in some ways. I graduated from high school and started college. Here, most people don't know that I am trans at all. A few friends who came from my high school, as well as a few people that I have told, do know, but they wouldn't be so impolite as to make it an issue or tell random people. The college administration probably knows too, but they don't really care, seeing that there are about 30,000 students on campus, right? Therefore, my life has been 'mostly normal'.
But then, there's something not quite normal. Something is missing. A life force that I used to have, I don't have anymore. It seems that nothing feels really wrong, but things aren't entirely right either. And without this life force, things don't function properly. For example, I have been lacking exercise recently, because I feel less motivated to do it. Consequently, I have put on about 20 pounds over the last year. I am still figuring out a way to make myself lose all of that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm much happier now. It's just that I am still missing something, and not quite knowing how to fix it yet.
**********
In order to understand where you are at, sometimes it's best to reach into the past. I am a musical person, so my favorite way of doing this is by listening to old music. You know, the tunes I used to listen to again and again in years past, until they have soaked up all the memories of those times.
Nostalgia is a great feeling usually. But recently, it has been getting so overwhelming for me. Some days I literally cannot sleep. I surely don't miss being a boy, but I do miss something from the past, it appears.
I could try using even more nostalgia to cure this unusually strong nostalgia, I thought. So I went looking for lists of old music online. And that's how I came across the large community of people who were struggling with a 'quarter life crisis' online. Whilst I am not even 20 yet, and people only generally get a 'quarter life crisis' around 25 or so, a lot of the things they said really resonated with me. Could I be having a 'quarter life crisis' at 18? It appears unlikely statistically, even though the youngest person on the forums I have come across was only 20. However, I am sure that I am going through something a bit similar, even if only superficially.
I think I will try to read more of these 'quarter life crisis' writings. It may help me find my direction. After all, the quarter life crisis is all about finding out what you want in life, and finding a way to get there, which seems to closely match what I need now.
**********
I am listening to so much old music these few weeks, as a result of all the lists I have been reading on the internet. Nostalgia is a big thing everywhere, it seems.
Everybody has a favorite song, it seems. Mine is The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Maybe it's because of the time it was released. It was everywhere during my middle school graduation. And that time was magical for me.
Part of that magic was in how I envisioned the future. I used to dream that I could be a cultural icon. I also wanted to be a singer, as part of that dream. Sadly, it was only a
dream. Although all my life I have lived with this trans thing, it was during high school that things got really bad. I started to get really depressed, because I felt like I was missing out on life. It was time that I knew I could never get back. On the other hand, I lacked the courage to do something about it, until about two years ago.
Speaking of 'missing out', looking back, I really missed out on a lot of 'life'. If I had to write a list of things that I missed out on and can never have back, I really wouldn't know where to start, and how long it would take. When I was 6, the main things on the list would be dressing as a princess at parties and having dolls to play with. But so many more important things have passed me by since then.
Now that the trans 'problem' has been dealt with, you would think I would be able to move forward with whatever dreams I may have had. That all the 'missing out' would be over. Sadly, it's not so simple. Being trans means that I lack confidence. If my friends found out, would they desert me? If I start dating, when my boyfriend finds out, will he leave? More scarily, will he become violent? It's fears like these that prevent me from doing many things these days. So life is better, but things still just pass me by. Will things improve? I don't know.
**********
Today I read something very inspiring on a 'quarter life crisis' website.
"Quarter Lifers are truly at a crossroads when it comes to their dreams and aspirations. Although they are told to give it up in various not so subtle ways, part of them wants to hang on. They often try to be more 'practical' with their outlook in life, but then they really don't feel like doing that after all. Often it is trying to force themselves to be 'practical' and stop chasing their dreams that trigger a full blown quarter life crisis.
Often, the very 'choices' to be made in a quarter life crisis have something to do with continuing to chase your dreams vs completely stopping doing that altogether. If you are having or have had a quarter life crisis, examine the life choices you are having difficulty with. There's a good chance that they relate to this very idea. In fact, I believe this basic conflict is at the centre of most of the dilemmas arising out of a quarter life crisis.
Many 20-somethings and 30-somethings have reported that they feel LESS happy than when they were younger. It's not like life was any easier back then, either. Sure, you had your parents looking after your every need, you didn't have to deal with exorbitant bills that threaten to put you into debt all the time, you probably got away with working less hard than you do now, but then there were bullies and the cool groups vs outcasts problem everywhere, your finances were controlled by your parents and you basically had no freedom at all. Some of you also had to deal with teachers you didn't like, who may be no less difficult than the boss you have now.
So what was different? What made back then more tolerable than right now? I've tried to answer this question for many years, and the one thing it comes down to is what I call the vista of youth. The vista of youth is endless hope, endless possibilities, and a space wide enough to hold the wildest dreams. Whilst being in high school was no fun for many people, the vista of hope kept them alive. Sadly, this vista has often been eroded quite badly by the time people reach their late-20s or their 30s. By this time, they have seen other people get ahead whilst they are languishing in failure land, chalking up failure after failure. By this time, the media driven culture has effectively made it clear that they are too old to be cool. All this combines to make that dream seem all that more impossible than it once seemed.
But all those things are illusions. The truth is that in your 20s and 30s, you are still on your way down the long road to chase down your dreams. If at this time you lose the vista of youth, and therefore lose the youthful spirit it brings to your life, you lose the will to travel on and fight on, like a soldier who loses their will to carry on in a battlefield, who just falls to the ground and die right there. Isn't that sad? If you don't want that to happen to you, you must fight to keep your vista of youth fresh all the time until you reach your destination in life. Next we will talk about how to do just that."
That really got me thinking. If being 30 means you still have plenty of time to chase your dreams, then it would be very sad to give up at 18 indeed.
Just thinking about it gave me a familiar good feeling, something that I haven't had for years. Maybe this is what I am missing - the ability to dream. It had been washed out of me from the past several years of difficulties. It had been washed out of me because I believed that being trans prevented me from chasing my dreams. But what if it's all an 'illusion'?
I really need to think about this more.
Chapter 2. REVISITING MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
Inspired by the possibility that the spirit of dreaming may be able to be revived in my life, I set out to explore the idea more. What really prevented me from going for my dreams? Why have I not even think about them in recent years? And can I really revive them now?
I guess it would be a great question to ask other trans people. But most trans people on the trans forums I visit are in the most difficult 'actively transitioning' phase in their lives. That is, they often look between male and female, and are having to deal with family and friends not yet used to their new situation, and therefore have a very difficult life. For them, 'living the dream' means just what I am doing - living a normal life and putting all that behind them. Once you get there and have settled down for a while, you will find that something is missing. But I guess most of the people on the forums aren't there yet, and it's probably not useful to explore this idea with them.
Therefore, I decided to instead raise the question on a forum for people dealing with quarter life crises. They like to think about stuff like this a lot, after all. And it appears that there are really many broken dreams out there.
"I wanted to be an actress. But my Asian parents thought that it wasn't a professional career. I even offered to go to college first, but they still weren't supportive. So I had to give up on my dream," Jenny wrote.
"I wanted to be a politician, starting from student politics. But my friends thought that it was uncool. I even approached the campus Democrats, wanting to join, but ultimately decided against it, because I would become an outcast amongst my friends. My friends are all anti-authority cynical types, and they would have given me a hard time for it. I was scared, I guess," Tim wrote.
It appears that it is often our environment that has forced us to give up on our dreams. But why?
At that moment, I saw that Jenny had come online, and I decided to initiate a chat.
"Thanks for sharing your story with me," I started typing. "Does it still hurt to have given up on that dream?"
"No, not really. I don't care about it anymore," she replied.
"I don't know if it is appropriate for me to ask you something," I typed.
"Go ahead. I am open to any questions," she replied.
"Since you were already an adult in college, couldn't you just defy your family?" I asked.
There was a pause.
"It's not easy. Asians don't do that," she replied.
"And what would happen if you did it?" I asked.
"I don't know. But there may have been lots of trouble," she replied.
"Could you just have a talk with your family about it," I asked.
"I did, when I was 16. They didn't react nicely," she replied.
"And how about later on?" I asked.
"I guess I was scared about what they would say. Thinking about it, it was easier to give up than to face that fear. But years later, when we revisited the topic, my parents actually said they would have respected my decision when I was over 21," she replied.
At that moment, it struck me. It was fear that prevented us from moving forward with our dreams. And it's often irrational fear that had no basis in reality.
I then realised that it was also fear that was preventing me from accessing my dreams again. I feared that by being exposed as a trans person publicly, life would become hell. People would treat me
like a circus freak rather than the normal young woman I am. I feared that if I went ahead with my chosen career, the media would paint me as this sensationalised freakish person, and I just cannot live with being seen like that.
I also realised that whilst being trans may be a specific experience with its own territory, there are many things that people living vastly different lives share, like the struggle between dreams and fear, and the struggle between choosing to pursue your dreams and settling for an ultimately unsatisfactory life. Trans people experience this life crisis in a trans context, but ultimately it is similar to how other people experience it in many ways.
I have made my decision. I am going to re-embrace my dreams. I am going to revive my music career, and see where I can take it.
I do still have the same fears as I had before. But I guess I just have to face them, and deal with them. And find a way to deal with the underlying issues satisfactorily.
Just saying all this out loud is very empowering indeed.
**********
Determined to revive my music career, I took out some of the music I wrote a few years ago but has since been sitting in a corner of my top drawer gathering dust. And I came across something that really inspired me. I started to sing it out loud.
[This music can be found on the companion album. The name of the track is The Road To Where I Am Heading.]
Sitting here, looking at this photo album