by Talaine Mare
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Now I am having second thoughts about whether to say I am trans up front. I guess it's a dilemma trans people often have at job interviews. In a way, a demo package is like a job application too, so I guess my situation is not unique. It's just one more big hurdle that trans people have to go through in life, unfortunately.
Anyway, the reason I am having second thoughts is that I'm scared if I am not upfront about it, the trans issue may pop up unexpectedly somewhere down the line, and it won't be pretty. I have seen far too many media articles outing trans people, using offensive terms like 'sex change' and 'sex swap', to be able to imagine that it would be any different for me. By the way, it's just sad how even supposedly gay-friendly celebrities use terms like 'sex change' casually all the time.
Maybe I should say that I am trans upfront, after all.
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All the thinking about my image, who I am, and what I should do about it has inspired me to write another song.
[This music can be found on the companion album. The name of the track is Listen To My Heart]
What they tell you is just so confusing
Sometimes you don't know what to do
And in this world there are so many crossroads
Which path should I go down
I'll just listen to my heart
Live by doing what feels right
What really makes my life better
Should be the way to go
There are many stupid rules
But they don't do any good
Why should we be bothered with them
When we should know better
Sometimes I wonder why some cling onto
Walls that only make
Their own lives harder than how it should be
Let them go and we'll have freedom
I'll just listen to my heart
Live by doing what feels right
What really makes my life better
Should be the way to go
There are many stupid rules
But they don't do any good
Why should we be bothered with them
When we should know better
Time resolves all things
But at what cost
For me, will it be too late
Have you asked
I'll just listen to my heart
Live by doing what feels right
What really makes my life better
Should be the way to go
There are many stupid rules
But they don't do any good
Why should we be bothered with them
When we should know better
Chapter 6. THE OPTION OF STEALTH
So I may have to choose between saying that I am trans upfront, or risk the issue being blown out of proportions by the media at unexpected times in the future. But is there a third choice? Maybe there is, if I can pull off living in stealth.
Stealth is the term that describes when a trans person lives a life where their trans history is kept secret. In 'normal' stealth usually only family members and romantic partners know, in 'deep' stealth even romantic partners may be kept in the dark. Stealth is thought to be more common in decades past, especially because the world was quite unaccepting of trans people back then. Today, stealth is much harder too, in a world where digging up people's past has become much easier thanks to the internet.
Like most trans people, I am not 'stealth', by definition, as plenty of my friends do know of my history. Instead, I am 'woodworked', a life where the trans thing doesn't stick out as an issue. Obviously, if I became a public figure, this woodworking would become meaningless, as my trans history is common knowledge amongst some circles and can be exposed easily.
But what if I start going stealth? Then I would have the freedom to pursue my dreams AND not have to worry about trans stereotyping. Should I do it? How will my life change?
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Today I raised the issue of stealth with Jayne.
"What would you think if I start living in stealth?" I asked her.
She paused to think for a while.
"You should have your freedom to do whatever you want with your life. But living a secret isn't a great life, is it?" she said.
I thought about it for a bit.
"What's so bad about living a secret, anyway?" I asked, trying to dig deeper.
"I guess it's about being inauthentic. It's hard to upkeep. There's also going to be a lot of psychological stress, fearing if people know about it or not," she said. "I know all about it because my moms told me all about it. Being a lesbian in a small town in the 1980s was really tough, you know."
That got me thinking. Gay and lesbian people have fought so hard and long for the right not to live in the closet, because being forced into the closet can cause major psychological stress. Now that they don't need to hide anymore, it's much healthier. The pain of living as a gay person who had to hide who they are is real, and if it were me, I'm not sure I could bear it psychologically.
But isn't stealth more or less the same thing? Could I handle the psychological stress? Honestly, I don't think so. I will think more about the issue, however.
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It's hard to know how stealth lives are like, because by definition trans people in stealth don't tell their stories.
Except now we occasionally can know. Because we have the internet, there is now a place where people living in stealth can tell their stories. Granted this still infrequently happens, because stealth people fear even the tiniest risk of being 'outed'. But there are definitely some stories to read on stealth out there. So I searched.
The first story I came across was told under the pseudonym of Cheryl. Cheryl paid a heavy price to live in stealth. She had to move to a new town and cut off all her previous friends. She even destroyed all old photos of herself, in case they might be picked up by someone. She has also invented a past for herself to cover up her real history. But she thinks it was all worth it, because she finally has the freedom to be herself without the baggage of the past.
Diana, again a pseudonym, also had something to say about stealth. She offered some unexpected insight into stealth. "Living in stealth is like living in a quiet country town in retirement. In today's world, it's possible to live in stealth, but you must be very careful. It's easier when you have a limited social circle," she said.
Cutting off my friends, even destroying memories of my past? I don't think I can do that. And living in the way described by Diana would prevent me from chasing my dreams. So I have decided: stealth is definitely not for me. Case closed.
Chapter 7. TRANSACTIVISM
So I'm not going to care about stealth anymore. I am just going to accept that part of what people are going to know about me, is that I am trans.
But should I have anything to say about being trans?
Today I asked Jayne, and she thought it would be a good thing to do.
"We should all be proud of who we are, and the path we have travelled in life. Or else, we would be wasting a chance to use our voice to inform the world a bit more. As for myself, I make sure all my friends know that I was raised by two loving moms, for example. It's a beautiful thing to share," she said.
But of course, being trans is a much more complicated matter than being raised by two moms. There's a lot of 'politics' around being trans. And it's not just from the haters. It's from within the trans community itself too. I don't think I can really identify with all that. Sometimes I'm also scared that if I say the wrong thing about being trans, I would end up being caught up in trans politics. For example, there was this time when I posted on a forum to tell my trans growing up story, in response to a visitor asking about 'what being transgender means'. To my surprise, the next day when I revisited the forum, my thread had been swamped by posts from other trans women. Some of them complained that my story was not really 'what being trans was about', and was not representative of all trans women. Well, I never
said it was going to be able to capture every trans female experience, as it was just my own story anyway. Then there was a fight between several trans women who liked boys, and two or three trans women who liked girls, about who was the more 'authentic type' of trans woman. One post even complained about my wish to be a princess when I was younger, saying that 'not all trans women like to be princesses' and that 'this kind of stereotype is limiting because it invalidates other trans women'. Hello? I was never out to set a stereotype for anyone. I didn't know just by telling my story I would get sucked into a storm of trans politics.
I really don't care about trans politics, except getting anti discrimination protections in law, okay? Unfortunately, I have been told that it's not OK either. Sometimes, even by saying that you don't care, you will get labelled a traitor. For example, there was this debate about whether a gay drag queen could use the word 'tranny'. I really don't care, to be honest. He can say whatever he wants, as long as he isn't being mean. But apparently if I respect his freedom of speech I am not standing up for the community. Whatever that means. One of the reasons I stopped visiting some trans forums was to avoid this crap. Some other trans people I know feel this way too.
The truth is, trans people come from diverse life paths, and have diverse life experiences. There is no 'one trans narrative'. Some trans women are quite feminine, like myself. Others may not be. Some like guys, and some like girls. Some are feminists, some are not. Some are political about being trans, some are not. As a result, we also have different beliefs about various things. For example, I am all for liberty and I strongly support freedom of speech as long as it's not deliberately insulting or threatening, but some trans women may be more into weeding out 'offensive' language out there. We need to accept and embrace each other. Unfortunately, sometimes the 'community' likes to tear itself apart because of these differences. Which I think does not help anyone in the end.
And then there are also some trans people who have what I think is a very negative view of the world out there. Sure, as trans people we get discriminated against all the time, and that needs to change. But we aren't going to get any sympathy if we start saying that 99.9% of the world have 'cis privilege' that they should check ('cis' is short for 'cisgender' which means not trans). The truth is, whilst there are a few bad people out there, most people out there aren't out to get us. Whilst the system out there may not be perfect, it is not 'designed to oppress us' in any way either, if you live in the West. However, if I just say these things as a trans person public figure, I'm scared that will already 'offend' enough people.
So I am not going to say much about being trans. The resulting politics would take away from what I have to say anyway. Instead, by being a trans person living a normal life, chasing her dreams and being positive about life, I think I will be making the best statement I can make.
Chapter 8. MY (TEMPORARY) SOLUTION
It's been a year and I still haven't sent that demo package. I guess I am not ready to put a label on what I actually am, as yet. Presenting yourself to the outside world and getting the message right is a difficult art. More so if you are trans.
I guess I am taking the long road. One day I will be ready to get the world to listen to my story, my music and my philosophy of life. Until then, I will continue updating my website, writing and recording new songs to release there, and write and share ideas I have about this thing called life.
Being trans has meant that I don't have the confidence to do certain things in life as if I weren't trans. But it also means that I have some unique experiences, some stories that only I can tell, some things that I can write about in my music and my books. And I think that's a fair tradeoff.
Dreams are for the long term in life anyway, and right now I am just living life day by day, and seeing what happens along the way. I guess a lot of trans people live this way too. In a life with such unique challenges, I guess it's a good philosophy to have.
Finally, before I go, can I just share with you my latest song? It will inspire you on the long journey ahead, I promise.
[This music can be found on the companion album. The name of the track is When The World Doesn't Know You're Special]
You stood in the crowd today
Amongst so many faces, nobody could see you
You felt so, small as if, you don't exist
Even if you yelled nobody would hear
Days like these are never easy
We don't deserve to be forgotten
When The World Doesn't Know You are Special
Just remember, that I know
And remember, they can't take that a-way
When The World Doesn't Know You're Even There
Just remember it's their loss
And remember, the doubters aren't worth your time
Cause the World Goes Mad Sometimes
Though that doesn't change who you are
And whatever they tell you
It can't change the fact that you're special to someone
Your work's in the pile, right now
Amongst many other things, will they even, see it?
You feel so, small as if, you don't exist
Even if you yelled nobody would hear
Days like these a-re never easy
We don't deserve to be forgotten
When The World Doesn't Know You're Special
Just remember, that I know
And remember, they can't take that a-way
When The World Doesn't Know You're Even There
Just remember it's their loss
And remember, the doubters aren't worth your time
Cause the World Goes Mad Sometimes
Though that doesn't change who you are
And whatever they tell you
It can't change the fact that you're special to someone