“Hey,” Jesse said to the men as they slipped through the opening in the metal gate. “Isn’t this where the Zone was?”
“Sure is,” one of the workmen said.
“Where did it go?”
“Zone’s gone.”
“But why?” Jesse said.
“Got me, lady. I just work here. We’re doing the reno for a Vicky’s Secret.”
“Victoria’s Secret?”
He turned to his buddy. “Sex sells.” And they both laughed.
“It was here last week. They can’t just take the Zone away. Why would they do that?” Her voice sounded loud and desperate. “We need the Zone.”
The other guy hit his buddy on the shoulder and rolled his eyes, then they both took off, snickering.
Jesse turned to Star. “How could they do that?”
Star said, “I stopped going to the Zone. I shop at Urban Outfitters. Maybe it’s a sign. We aren’t supposed to go there.”
“Fucking Zone. It’s jinxed. Since when does a store that people like just vanish for no good reason?” Just like my daughter. Gone in the blink of an eye. She glanced around then peeked inside. When she was sure they were alone, she put her index finger to her lips in a quiet gesture. “Follow me.”
Star grabbed Jesse by the bottom of her shirt. “We’re not supposed to be in there. It’s gone, Jesse.”
“Since when are you so cautious? I have to show you something. It’s important.”
“She’s not in there, Jesse.”
Jesse slid Star’s hand off her shirt. “Obviously. Humor me. Please. I need to do this.” She slipped through the gate where the workmen had exited. Star just stood outside until Jesse waved her in and mouthed, “Come on.”
After a minute, she followed. Jesse led her over to the area on the left side of the now-empty room—the spot where the circular clothing rack with the colorful T-shirts had been on September 8, 2012. The last place she’d seen Sophie.
“This is where we looked at shirts,” Jesse said softly. “Sophie saw a cute pink top with a little bird in the center in a square. It had the word tweet below it, just like the one April left behind.” Jesse walked in a circle, closing her eyes, reliving those moments, her right hand outstretched, her fingers wiggling and touching imaginary shirts as if the clothing rack were still there.
“I love this, Mommy. Can I have it?”
“Sophie fingered the top. I said no. I was annoyed with her. I was always annoyed and tired and at my wits’ end. And this time, I was more than annoyed. I was furious. You know how she was. She could be... you know... difficult.”
Star followed behind Jesse in a circle, just listening.
“But, Mom, I need it.”
“I was always giving in to her to stop the crying or shouting or embarrassing moments. It was hard to know the best way to act around her, how to handle her moods. I’d had it that day. Cooper and I had a fight that morning, said mean things to each other. He was having an affair with Cindy from his office. I knew it deep down but hadn’t acknowledged it.” She turned around to face Star, shaking her head. “Hell, I’m only acknowledging it now. Our unhappiness began to permeate the house. And Sophie’s acting out was constant. Which came first, I’m not really sure. It was draining. She could be so hard to be around.”
“You do need school clothes, though. How about...”
“I remember glancing away from Sophie, wondering if my marriage was even going to make it to the start of school. I remember worrying how I would handle it all by myself if we got divorced. Dealing with Sophie on my own—that scared me. We’d just returned from Wellfleet with your family, the one thing we all looked forward to each summer. Sophie was at peace there. She didn’t want to act up in front of your family and somehow kept it under wraps there. It had been tough between Cooper and me. I don’t know how obvious it was, the strain.”
Star nodded, her eyebrows raised. “It was obvious.”
“It was? Huh. Well, between that and the monstrous tantrum she’d pulled in the car on the way to the mall, I was a wreck. She’d calmed down by the time we got to the parking lot. Sometimes, she acted remorseful about her outbursts. Sometimes not. That day, it was as if nothing had happened. Getting all that crap out of her system must have felt good. I, on the other hand, felt like I had absorbed it all. It was awful. Anyway, we were coming to the mall for new shoes but got sidetracked. She’d pulled me into the Zone. She saw that top she liked and was nagging me to buy it.”
“I love this, Mommy. Can I have it? But, Maaah-aaahhhm, it’s so cute.”
“I don’t know why, but it just pushed me over the edge. ‘Why can’t you be normal?’ I spat. It just flew out of my mouth. I knew right away what an awful thing that was to say. I saw her flinch. Who says that to their daughter, someone who already worries about being normal? It just came out. I didn’t mean it.” She let out a breath.
Star stared at Jesse. “People always say things they don’t mean. I do it all the time. Like that day at the Book Barn. You asked me if I wanted to burn the place down, and I said I didn’t care. I didn’t mean it. It just came out. The same as you.”
Jesse shook her head. “No. It’s different. You don’t say things like that to your daughter. Mean, hurtful things. Not to a little girl. Not to someone you love. Anyway, I let go of her hand. Right then. I said that awful thing, then I let go of her hand. You’ve seen that part on the news, I’m sure. I was tired, irritated. I wandered out of the KidsZone section and into the regular adult section of the store over there.” She tossed her head off to the right and pointed in that direction. “I saw a rack of skirts and plucked one down, thinking maybe I needed to dress more feminine and sexy for Cooper. I didn’t look at size or color. I just grabbed one. I glanced at Sophie, who was still admiring the top she liked. I took the skirt and went into the dressing room. Alone.” Jesse looked for a reaction from Star, who seemed mesmerized by the story.
“Wait a minute. You left her there alone? I don’t remember that part,” Star said.
“That’s because I never told anyone that part before.”
“But you weren’t gone long, right? Did she come looking for you?”
“Come. I’ll show you.” Jesse grabbed her hand and turned to go toward the back of the store.
“That’s all right,” Star said, pulling her hand away. She started walking toward the exit. “I want to go home.”
“No. You have to see. You have to see it wasn’t your fault. It could never, ever, ever have been your fault, Star. This cutting business. I know you blame yourself. But you shouldn’t. Follow me.” And she headed off toward the dressing rooms in the back of the store. Star looked around and followed reluctantly.
“I went to the very last dressing room. I could have gone to the first one. It was empty, in fact. But no, I had to take more time, be away longer, have more quiet time to myself. I went in here.” And she entered the same dressing room she had gone in the last time she was at the Zone, where she’d found the cell phone. “Go ahead, sit down.”
Star sat on the little bench next to the full-length mirror. She looked scared, her lower lip quivering.
“I hung up the skirt right there.” Jesse turned and gazed in close at her reflection in the mirror. She brushed her hands through her wild hair. She turned back to Star. “You asked if I was gone long. Once I got in this dressing room, I sat on the little bench right where you are now. I needed to breathe. To be alone. I looked into this very mirror, and then I started hyper-ventilating. I realized it was stupid to leave Sophie alone. I left the skirt hanging and dashed back. I was gone for maybe two minutes. Probably closer to one or one and a half. I’ve timed it. I went back out to that T-shirt rack. I looked all around for Sophie, but I didn’t see her. She’d vanished.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone about coming in here?”
“A mother letting go of her young daughter’s hand and losing her in a store in a big shopping mall far from home? That was bad enough, wasn’
t it? But to admit to saying something horrible to her and then abandoning her? Turning my back. Leaving her vulnerable and alone.” She shook her head. “I tried a few times. But I could never say it. Remarkably, no one saw me come in or out of the dressing room. And the surveillance camera only caught me letting go of her hand out there. The one above the dressing room entrance was conveniently broken that day.”
Star stood up. She was breathing hard. “Either way, it’s not really your fault. A few seconds. You’re not supposed to be tied to a ten-year-old constantly.”
“That’s kind of you, Star. But the evidence is damning, wouldn’t you say?”
Star’s mouth dropped open. Her hand flew up to cover it. “Oh, my God. That’s your big secret, isn’t it? The thing you’ve been carrying around with you for all these years? The thing that’s made you kind of crazy. Collecting junk. Acting mean and weird. Dropping people you were friends with. Dropping me for all those years.”
Jesse shook her head.
“You said something you didn’t mean. It flew out of your mouth. You let go of her hand. You came in here for a moment’s peace.”
Jesse continued shaking her head, but her whole body was trembling.
“You were mad at Sophie because she was uncontrollable.”
“I said, ‘Why can’t you be normal?’ What mother says that to their child? I was unable to control her. Wasn’t that my job? But I was unable to control my own emotions. Unable to change Sophie or my own behavior. Unable to know what to do.” Jesse crumpled to her knees. She leaned all the way over, until her head was touching the floor.
“She was difficult. You didn’t know how to deal with her.”
Jessie’s whole body rocked up and down. “Yes,” she cried. “Yes, yes!” she wailed, and gut-wrenching cries escaped from deep within her.
Star backed against the wall, watching wide-eyed and afraid as Jesse keened. After a moment, she crouched down, tentatively put her arms around Jesse. Together, they rocked back and forth.
“You were a good mother,” Star whispered. “You loved her. She loved you. No one is perfect. You’re human.”
Jesse inhaled sharply. “If I was holding onto her hand, they couldn’t have taken her. That’s a fact.”
“But you can’t hold onto someone twenty-four, seven. You can’t be tied to them every moment of every day. You said it was like two minutes. One minute. That’s not a crime.”
Jesse lifted her head and looked at Star. “It is a crime. A crime of bad, irresponsible parenting. I didn’t deserve to be a parent, so someone took her away.”
“It’s just not realistic to think you have to guard us kids every moment. That you can guard us every moment. Someone can take a child when they’re sleeping. You don’t guard a child when she’s asleep.” Star had slipped on an adult skin, speaking wise words, trying to comfort Jesse as a parent might.
“But Sophie wasn’t asleep. I made a terrible mistake.”
“You’re not a bad person. Sophie was hard to deal with. She could have driven anyone away for a lot longer than a few minutes. Look at me. I was supposed to be with her that day.”
Jesse glanced up and saw herself and Star in the mirror. The harsh dressing room light reflected her own face, blotched and mottled, like a frightened child’s. Jesse’s breath caught in her throat. “Oh, sweetie, you want me to forgive myself, but what about you? It’s really nowhere near your fault. Where did you get that?”
Star sat back on her heels, looking at the ground. “Sophie called me the night before and asked me to come. I said I would. ‘Promise?’ she'd said, and I did. But that morning at your house, she was acting up. And I just didn’t want to go. Sometimes, I didn’t feel like being with her. Sometimes, she was fun, and it made me feel special to be with her, to be chosen by her. But other times, I wasn’t in the mood for her. She could be so demanding and took all the attention. She could sap the energy out of you. I just wanted it to be... easier, you know?”
Oh, how I know. Jesse nodded.
“You know how she was if you broke a promise. It made her crazy."
Jesse certainly had experienced Sophie’s wrath. She'd broken a few promises of her own before realizing that she had to be extra careful with her words.
“But if I had gone, they could have taken me, not Sophie. Or I could have protected her like I did sometimes at school.”
Jesse grabbed Star by the shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. “Oh, Star. I was the one who ruined everything. I was never mad at you. I just couldn’t face you or anyone. You were so wonderful to be around. Your best friend is gone because of me. Not you. She’d forgotten about your promise. She never even mentioned that.”
“Really?”
“Really. I don’t know why you see her and I can’t. I want to see her. I want to talk to her.” She looked in the mirror again and rubbed her eyes. “Sophie was a difficult child, but I loved her. I really did. She was special. I had a hard time, but I loved her.”
“I know. Everyone knows that.” Star stood up and offered her hands to Jesse. She pulled her up to standing.
Jesse wiped her face again. They hugged tightly. And just like the time with Barnes and the hunter’s moon, she felt something strange. A shift, a feeling of space releasing in her own body. She pressed her nose into the girl’s neck, searching for her own daughter’s scent, holding on to this child as tightly as she possibly could. Then she felt a fluttering of her heart, like the rapid beating of a hummingbird’s wings. As though a message were being sent to her.
Star pulled away. “Can we go home now?”
THEY ARRIVED AT STAR’S house, and Jesse put the truck into park. She turned to Star and said, “Don’t freak out, but I‘m going to have to tell your parents about the cutting.”
Star shook her head violently. “What? No way. You promised.”
How ironic that Star was pulling a Sophie. “I never promised. Sweetie, we need to get you some help. They aren’t going to put you in jail. They love you. Your parents need to know so they can help you.”
“Everyone will find out. I’m already a freak at school. I’ll stop. I swear. I can do it.”
“I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.” Jesse reached out to touch her, but Star pulled away.
“If you tell them, I’ll tell about the Zone and the missing two minutes. Do you want the world to know about that?”
Jesse shook her head. “You do what you have to do.”
“I’ll tell them you took me to Wellfleet against my will.”
“At this point, it doesn’t matter. It’s time I came clean. I’ll make sure you get to a good therapist who’ll help you deal with your problem, maybe some special program. I really care about you.”
“After I helped you find out what happened to Paul Bunyan. To Sophie. After I told you it wasn’t your fault. I thought I could count on you. Well, I was lying.” She sat up taller and shouted, “It was your fault. All of it. Sophie is dead, and it’s your fault. Her haunting me. My cutting. Your fault, your fault, your fault. Live with that.” She opened her door and jumped out of the car.
“Star, wait.”
Star turned back to Jesse and spat out, “I hate you!” She slammed the door just as Blue came out of the house. Crying, she ran into her father’s arms, and he grabbed her into a big hug. Jesse saw them exchange a few words, then Star dashed into the house.
Blue stared after Star for a moment then walked over to Jesse. He looked tired. “Jess, are you okay? I can’t believe what you told us over the phone. Do they know anything more in Wellfleet?”
“Not yet.”
“Beth is furious that you took Star without our permission.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It wasn’t the best decision.”
He nodded off toward the house. “What was that all about?”
This was exactly what Jesse hadn’t wanted to happen. Star freaking out on her. She considered not telling Blue an
d Beth about the cutting and trying to handle it on her own. Then she ran through the possible fallout of that. Who am I kidding? She wasn’t qualified in the least. She needed to tell Blue, even if it meant Star would never speak to her again. Ideally, one day, she would get over it.
Jesse nodded and took a deep breath. “She’s really upset with me.”
“Welcome to our world. What happened?”
Jesse tried to gather her thoughts. Where to begin? “Listen, Blue, get Beth. It’s important. We need to talk.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Back in her truck, Jesse sped through town as if she could outrun her problems. On the brink of maybe finding Sophie and finally learning what had happened to her, she’d been forced to sit there, listening to Beth yell at her as if she were a child. Screw it. I did my part. Jesse thought she should have felt relieved to be away from another dysfunctional family, but she didn’t.
The conversation with Blue and Beth hadn’t gone well, to say the least. They were understandably upset that she’d taken Star all the way to Wellfleet to look for a possible kidnapper without their permission. When Jesse finally got the chance to discuss Star’s cutting, Blue and Beth had seemed in denial, at least initially.
“Soph, why do I feel like shit?” Jesse reached for her locket, forgetting once again that it was gone.
As she approached town, Jesse turned onto Church Street and drove by the Book Barn. All that remained was a cordoned-off pile of charred wood. While she was away, they had pulled down whatever was standing. She stopped the truck to look at the sad sight. It made her think about her lack of control over her life. Things just came and went. Endings were thrust upon her. Sophie’s disappearance. Her marriage. The Book Barn.
She’d never been able to let things go easily, but maybe that was what she needed to do. Just let go. Barnes had said he’d been given a second chance and was so grateful for it. Maybe the time had come for hers—she just needed to find it then grab onto it somehow.
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