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After hours of aimlessly drifting on furious guilt trips, Ramiel made it back to his apartment. He had hoped for some shelter from all the pressure he had been feeling, but there was none, not even there. He kept picturing Alma waking up, realizing the betrayal of her best friend, feeling guilty towards the man she loved. Why, why had he been so careless? Since when were carnal desires so strong he couldn’t hold back? Even after that night of ongoing passion, he still wanted her. He wanted to have her again, to reach that point where everything became blindingly bright, where there was no more pain, no more thought, just falling endlessly, but no longer alone. He could fall like that with her, because she had called his name and asked him to stay with her.
“Alma, what are you?” he asked, the sound bouncing off the walls. Ramiel was waiting for an answer that failed to come. But that was not the question tormenting his soul, it was an entirely different question: “Will she still want to be my friend? Will she still come by every Sunday to ease my loneliness? Or will she throw me away as I deserve?” Knowing her, she was the one being who could forgive him for how he had stained her. Maybe that was why Shamsiel was so relieved to see him gone. He might have thought of himself as a superior being, he might have loved Ramiel, but he was completely incapable of forgiving the dark stains his brother had painted on his soul.
He got up from the couch he had fallen on and walked around the living room, restless and undecided. He wanted to go back to Alma’s, but he was afraid of her reaction. Yet there was no one else he wanted to discuss any of it with. Even if the Gardens would open for him and Shamsiel would hold out his hand, inviting him for an honest chat, he knew only one person would understand him. And he had broken that person in so many ways!
A familiar tingling distracted him just when his despair was sucking everything from his mind and soul. He knew that buzzing deep in his brain, he knew the call that would follow. The last time he had heard it, he had been told to leave the Pristine Gardens and never come back. The Supreme Being was initiating the Call, the one no angel could disregard.
“This is it, another judgment day. I wonder what my punishment will be this time around…” Ramiel closed his eyes and let the voice pull him to where the Supreme Being wanted to meet. He felt the air catch fire around him as a strong force was leading him at a dazzling speed through light-years of distance. When the immense pressure and heat ceased, he opened his eyes to see the familiar checkered floor that seemed to have no beginning and no end. The starry sky above was reflected in the black and white squares creating a certain glow that floated away as the Universe was revolving around him.
He took his time getting reacquainted with the unique views of the hidden meeting grounds. He had been there on such rare occasions. His birth, another time to receive a special assignment, his banishment, and now. What would happen now?
A simple wooden chair appeared a few feet in front of him. Ramiel took a deep breath and walked briskly to the chair. He sat on it and braced himself.
“Ramiel!” He heard the annoyed tones of the supreme voice both from within his being and piercing his ears from the outside. “I didn’t expect to see you here so soon.”
“I am a constant disappointment, I know. And I am so sorry,” Ramiel said, hiding his face with his hands.
“Yeah, yeah! You’re sorry, that’s great! It would be even better if you actually knew what you were supposed to be sorry for.” As the voice went on, the anger became more apparent.
“I do not understand you at all. I thought I did, but I don’t. Are you really telling me that the reasons that I am torturing myself over are the wrong ones?”
“Good, at least you still show no fear when I’m angry. I thought I had lost all of you!”
“I really am sorry for disappointing you again, that has never been my intention.”
“Again? Ramiel, what are you talking about? Maybe that girl is right and you are an idiot,” the voice said, an infectious laughter following the words.
“Yeah, she calls me an idiot a lot, doesn’t she?” Ramiel answered smiling.
“Well, she’s got a point. I personally think you’re both idiots, but let’s take this one matter at a time. When do you imagine you’ve let me down before?”
“Weren’t you supposed to also have a good memory, isn’t that part of being all-knowing? You banished me for it, remember?”
“When exactly did I banish you?” The thundering voice came down in a quick strike and Ramiel felt smaller, weaker. “Is that what your puny mind got from our last conversation?”
“Yeah, my puny mind does not know how else to interpret being told to leave the Pristine Gardens forever!” Ramiel yelled back, not bothering to hide his annoyance. It was pointless when talking to the Supreme Being.
“You are an idiot! Well, shut up and listen. Apparently, I should have given you a reading comprehension test after our last talk. So I will choose a ‘Dummy Guide’ sort of explanation. I never banished you. I told you to leave and never come back, if you know what’s good for you. Ah, you make me so angry, you’ve always been particularly good at that, Ramiel!”
“Sorry!”
“I told you to shut up!” the screaming voice said, rendering Ramiel unable to move a cell of his body. “I said so, didn’t I? Most angels are idiotic enough to think of themselves as these superior beings who no longer need to physically express their feelings. They are dumb bastards, I would have never kept sexual organs on beings that don’t need them, I am not that sloppy! I created angels as sexual beings, if I wanted them any other way, I could have done so. Now, I can’t banish most of my celestial armies because they’re idiots who are too taken with their own majestic status to see things clearly. I told you to go and seek what you need, didn’t I? Did I ever tell you that you couldn’t come back? Or did I tell you it was better to never come back?”
Ramiel knew he was free to answer, but he had no voice. He was busy replaying their last conversation again and again, searching for the meaning that had been lost upon him.
“Ramiel, my child! I told you there was virtually no chance of Shamsiel ever feeling the way you did. I also suggested you should find someone who loved you the way you needed to be loved.”
“But why?” the angel begged rather than ask. “Why should I leave him just because our love was not perfect?”
“It was not a question of perfection. It wasn’t something you could go to counseling for and fix, like humans do. Shamsiel never loved you enough to forget his twisted beliefs. In time, you would have become a pathetic, sad little being, and the angelic version of depression is not pretty at all. Your feelings were wasted on him. There are obstacles you should fight to overcome, and there are situations where saying goodbye is the right way.”
“And you decided for me, didn’t you? Because we, the angels, are not blessed with free will, right?” Ramiel yelled back, his fists clenched tightly against his tense body. He was looking up at the starry sky, his eyes filled with tears of rage.
“Ramiel, even if it’s you, there’s a limit to the amount of stupidity you should display in front of me. When exactly did I say you had no free will? Did I not ask you all before assigning any mission? Did I not always allow you to do as you pleased? Did I freaking strike you down the moment you first played in Shamsiel’s nether regions?”
Ramiel knew the whole debate was serious, but hearing the Supreme Being swear was too much of a Pristine Gardens private joke not to chuckle.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.”Play in his nether regions, seriously? Are you trying to scold me or crack me up?”
“Neither. I am trying to help you see, you know, hold your hand while you learn to walk!”
“So am I free to return?” Ramiel asked, his words a barely audible whisper.
“Do you miss Shamsiel that much? Or the Pristine Gardens?” The Supreme Being sounded surprised, to Ramiel’s own disbelief.
<
br /> “Of course, it’s my home! And what’s so great about Earth anyway! I want to go back, I’ve wanted to go back every day. I just didn’t know it was possible.”
“Are you planning to go back to Shamsiel?”
Ramiel should have answered immediately. In theory, he was convinced of the answer. Given the possibility to see him again, to hold Shamsiel in his arms again, he’d jump at it before the thought would have time to take shape in his mind. But instead, he hesitated for the shortest of milliseconds.
“Thought so,” the voice said in a deep sigh.
“Please, let me come back!”
“Ramiel, do you know why you hesitated?”
“No, not really!”
“Ramiel, don’t lie to me, that’s really not your smartest move,” the voice warned.
“I will never take friendship over love.”
“No, you won’t. Isn’t that why you are no longer able to leave her?”
“What?”
“You haven’t figured it out yet? Do you still need time? Wasn’t last night’s experience enough to finally face your feelings?”
“If you mean Alma, that was just… a moment of weakness, nothing more!” Ramiel said, shaking his head.
“Ramiel, why are you so stubbornly lying to yourself? Do you want me to make you relive that night a thousand times? I can and it will only take a fleeting moment, but it will feel like endless agony to you.”
“Yeah, because I disappointed my friend, because I gave in to lust when what we had was so precious.”
“It is precious indeed. That girl’s ability to love you is indeed impressive! I wonder if you’re worthy of it…”
“She actually is in love with someone else. So her attachment to me is irrelevant.”
“I would like to materialize and slap you, Ramiel. Bitch slap you, in Alma’s words. I understand you angels have forgotten the basics of interactions with others and are so blind, regardless of how much power and intelligence I planted within you, but there should be some limit to it!” the Supreme Being complained.
“Well, if I am so slow in piecing this together, why don’t you do it for me?” Ramiel provoked.
“Stupid and fearless, worst possible combination. So, to spell it out for you, she’s always with her colleagues at work, her girlfriends, or you. And at work she never attends any parties or meetings unless they are compulsory. The only man she always sees out of her own desire is you. There is no one else. She just never told you it was you she loved.”
Ramiel laughed, biting back the urge to say the Supreme Being was delusional.
“Thinking it is still offensive enough, my boy! But remember, I see and hear and feel all. It’s not a guessing game for me, I know everything!” the voice retorted.
“No, this can’t be!” Ramiel said in a soft voice, as if he had suddenly remembered who it was that he had been talking with since arriving. “This is not a trick or a joke. Then if it’s true… then I…”
“Yes, you left her right after making love to her. You left her to wake up alone and feel the pain and despair of losing you, just as she had always feared. She witnessed you whining over Shamsiel and professing your love for him. So she never told you. She was just trying to make it easier for you, watch over you, guide you when you needed it. You took what you wanted and left her alone.”
“Don’t cry, my child,” the voice said, suddenly in a completely different tone, warm and soothing. But Ramiel’s tears were not that easy to stop. “Ramiel, what will you do now?”
“Follow my heart, like always,” he said with a sad smile.
“You should hurry. You don’t have much time left,” the voice warned before disappearing.
“Wait, what do you mean? Why the sudden rush?” But the Supreme Being was already gone.
Ramiel knew he had received more than he could have ever asked for. An intervention from the Supreme Being! Alma, his creator, he could barely contain the happiness of so much love being poured into him. And Shamsiel. Shamsiel who had always tried his best, within the limits of his capabilities. Ramiel closed his eyes again and allowed the same strong force to take him to where his mind and heart knew he should have been.
Pure Love of the Fallen Page 4