by Kishan Paul
He didn’t blame her. She didn’t belong in here with him. He didn’t even blame the guys. They were young and idealistic. Life hadn’t screwed them up enough yet. He headed for the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee when the cell on the living room table began to ring. Having a good idea of who it might be, the alert didn’t slow his stride, and he continued on with his mission for caffeine. Soon, the unique rings of all six of his burner phones joined the medley of the one on the coffee table. He ground his teeth at their intrusion, grabbed a clean cup from the cabinet, and reached for the full carafe from the machine.
“Why didn’t you invite her in?”
Eddie paused mid-pour as Khalin’s voice assaulted him. He glanced over his shoulder at the open laptop on the island and man on the screen staring back at him. Inviting him to join the team had been a bad move. The guy had a way of sweet talking the others and getting them riled up to request things they’d never considered before. Like paid vacations, which of course meant an increase in salaries, so they could blow it all on said trips and a list of other shit. If Eddie was considered the team lead, then Khalin was the unofficial union leader.
“She wasn’t interested,” Eddie said while he filled his cup, returned the carafe to his hot plate, and grabbed his drink.
“She stood there waiting for you to ask her in. How long did you think she was—”
Eddie slammed the laptop shut and exited the kitchen as Khalin’s voice trailed off. His destination was the control room, but he stopped halfway en route. The burners and several computers were all situated in the same room. Burners that were still ringing, and computers they could easily hack in to. Instead, he grabbed his cell, tossed it in the study with the rest of the shit, and shut the door, significantly lowering the noise pollution. The phones went silent as soon as he seated himself on the couch. He took a sip of the strong brew and tried to clear his head.
“Do you really think closing the door is going to shut us up?” Ari laughed. “You can go to any room you want. We’ll keep talking. The beauty of having surveillance on the property.”
He rolled his eyes and scanned the room for the source of the mike. “Bugging the houses was never part of the plan.”
“My bad,” Raz confessed. “And it’s only this house, the big one’s clean. You know privacy and all. We just didn’t trust you not to screw this up and decided this was the best way to make sure you didn’t.”
“We?” He took another sip of his coffee. “There is no we, only me. And I need you to leave me alone.”
“We will,” Tay promised. “As soon as you, me, whatever word you want to use, go out there and talk to her.”
“I tried,” he growled at the air.
“Trying is to make an attempt. Standing and glaring at my mother was not making an attempt,” Raz snapped back.
“Are you watching me right now?” Eddie flashed his middle finger in the air.
“Yes, and thanks. You’re ours in the main rooms,” Sai replied. “You can do whatever you want in private in the bathroom and the bedrooms. Trust me, we don’t want to watch.”
He rose to his feet, intent on heading to one of those private areas.
“Just because we can’t hear you doesn’t mean you can’t hear us, which you will no matter where you go in the building.”
He growled at Sai’s threat and turned to the front door.
“And outside we’ve got eyes and speakers.”
“What exactly are you expecting to come out of all this? She doesn’t want me.” The words stung his ears as soon as he uttered them. He knew it to be true, but hearing it sliced deep fueling his anger at the situation.
“I disagree,” Khalin announced.
“I don’t care what you think. It’s the truth,” Eddie replied. “I don’t need a detailed list of reasons why to understand what I see. What’s it going to take for you to get the message that neither of us wants your help?”
“If you want us to stand down, you need to follow your own advice. First, grow a spine,” Razaa replied. “Second, apologize to her for being a dick. Then tell her how you feel.”
Eddie glared at the walls around him, feeling like no one was listening.
“Do that, and we’ll shut up and drop it for good.”
Ally wandered the beach until she found a spot far enough from the house not to be seen. She spread out her shawl and sat on it. Digging her feet into the sand, she savored the feel of the grains between her toes and enjoyed the colors of the sky and the ocean that spanned the horizon. The morning sun lightened the deep blues of the water. The waves were high, and as they attempted to reach the sky, their tips turned a lovely shade of green, and when they crashed into the sand turned a foamy white. The sounds of them crashing, the pull when they receded, all of it centered her.
He’d show up. Of that she had no doubt, but she just needed time first. Time to clear her mind. Razaa’s insights into Eddie’s feelings hadn’t surprised her. She’d known. How could she not? The intensity of their kisses should have been a clear indication. Yet she denied it all until Eddie’s one line in the mausoleum. “You deserve better.”
Even then, she shoved it all away, telling herself it wasn’t a proclamation of feelings. The thing about denial was it worked better when no one mentioned the giant elephant in the room. Now that Razaa had pointed it out, she couldn’t pretend anymore.
The wind played with strands of her hair, making them tickle her cheek. She tucked them behind her ear and rested her chin on her bent knees. She sat there staring into the waters, knowing what she had to do and hating herself for it.
Eddie rolled up the cuffs of his jogging pants and began his trek to her. The grains of sand chilled his bare feet while the cool sea air filled his lungs. His destination was the woman seated alone on the beach, her arms hugging her knees to her chest. She stared out into the horizon while the waves crashed a few feet away. This was not the Alisha he was used to. The one he referred to as Ice was always running, fighting…fierce. As much as those qualities drew him to her, deep in his soul he always knew this side of her would be the one that would make it hard for him to walk away. It was the reason he avoided seeing her this way.
There was something beautiful about watching her with the ocean as her backdrop. Serene. Still. A work of art. The kind he’d have paid to hang on a wall just so he could admire her.
Once he was beside her, he stopped and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Her skin free of makeup, her hair hung behind her head in a tight ponytail. A few strands had fallen loose from the tie, flying in whatever direction the wind made them go. Eyes closed, those perfect corners at each end of her mouth stretched when she smiled. Her head tilted back, letting the wind caress her skin. When she sucked in a breath, he found himself doing the same.
“You keep finding me, Eddie.”
“Always.” He situated himself beside her and rested his arms on his knees, forcing himself to stare out at the ocean instead of in her direction. After an eternity of silence, Eddie noticed the gift-wrapped box beside her. He picked it up and shook the contents, feeling how it slammed from one side to another.
“Razaa said we should open it together.”
Her announcement heightened his curiosity. “Can I?”
She glanced at it. “Please do.”
Eddie ripped the blue paper off the white box beneath, bunching the wrapper into a ball and tossing it beside him. He inspected the small rectangular box and offered the gift to her to open the lid. She met his gaze for a brief moment, reached over, and lifted the top.
Ally leaned in, and while she inspected the contents, Eddie watched her face. The high cut of her cheekbones and the thick dark lashes brushed against her skin as she gazed down. Something in his stomach fluttered when those perfect corners of her lips lifted a second time. The fluttering multiplied when she tossed her head back and laughed. “That little shit.”
His brows rose at the realization she shared the same opinion of the kid as him. She dipped
her fingers inside and pulled out multicolored stacks of sticky notes. She waved the red, the blue, the yellow, and the purple pads at him, but he had no interest in the gift. Her shoulders shook as she laughed, her cheeks turning a deep red. The sound she made had him grinning from ear to ear as well. While he sat there admiring the tears of laughter streaking her cheeks, he made a mental note to thank the little shit in question. She tossed the sticky notes at him and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. “I blame you for this.”
He pulled out one of the red sheets from the top, inspecting the tacky strip on the back. “How is this my fault exactly?”
“The Razaa I handed to you two years ago would have never given us this. You’re a bad influence on all of them.”
“That brain of yours is impressive.” He leaned over, noticing the way she tensed as he drew near and stuck the red sticky sheet on her forehead. “Are you going to blame me for every asshole thing he or they do? Because I have to tell you, your sons are all becoming royal pains in my ass.”
She shot him a look. “Sounds like a medical condition.”
“No kidding.” Eddie returned the notepads to the box they came in. “Speaking of asshole sons, Razaa’s not alone on this one. I think this is their way of getting us to talk.”
Her face sobered. She peeled the paper off her skin, tossing it in the box as well. “Talk about?”
Whatever creatures were flying in his gut seemed to be having a party in there. He fixed his attention on the real birds gliding over the ocean. “The chat we had a few weeks ago.” A seagull made a nosedive into the water. “I said things I shouldn’t have and owe you an apology.”
She rested her chin on her knee, hugged her knees tighter to her chest, and stared ahead. “I did too. I made judgments about you without understanding all the information. I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t sure what judgments and information she implied but opted to hold the question for another time, something about the way she avoided his gaze didn’t sit right with him.
“Apology accepted.” Eddie tracked the seagull as it emerged from the waves with breakfast hanging out of its bill. “Just to clarify, I show up because I want to, not because of some unresolved guilt issue or resentment. Just like right now. I’m here because I want to be.”
She nodded. “Understood.”
The bird landed a few yards away from them and began enjoying its seafood delicacy. “About your nickname. I’ve never meant Ice as an insult. It was a term of admiration of how you handle yourself under pressure.”
She smiled. “Thank you, and I know. I spoke out of anger and hurt feelings because of the argument we were having. I like it when you call me Ice.”
Eddie played with the sand on the beach, fully aware he was the reason she’d felt angry and hurt that day and wishing he’d handled it differently.
“Raz filled in the holes,” she said.
He glanced in her direction. “What holes?”
Her cheek resting on her knee, she watched him. “Like the fact that the brothers, not you, made the decision to let Omar go.”
He shifted in his seat. “It was a team decision. That makes it just as much mine as it was theirs.”
Her hair slapped against her face, and when she wiped the strand away, the sand on her hand left a trail along her cheek. He itched to rub the particles off, to run his hand over her skin.
“He also told me you helped Omar start his new life.”
“Your son talks too much,” he muttered. “Om was one of my best operatives. He’s a good man who was trying to help someone in trouble. Did he do it correctly? No. But he risked everything for a sister he knew nothing about.”
Ice’s hand wrapped around his wrist, giving him a quick squeeze. “That’s very kind of you.”
He stared at the connection. “Yet I’m the one of the two of us who keeps getting referred to as an asshole.”
“Your actions are kind. Your mouth is another thing all together.”
Her point sobered him, reminding him of the team’s words from earlier. “That does get me in trouble at times.” His heart rate surged while his stomach coiled into a tight knot. “You’re right about what you said before. I do treat you differently. After our last chat, you probably understand why, but in case you don’t, it’s because what I feel for you is different from what I feel for…the rest of them. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met.”
Her grip on him loosened, but she hadn’t let go. He opted to see it as a positive and willed himself to continue. No regrets. “I like being in charge, and I like that when I speak, people listen. But you…don’t listen. You’re the one person who makes me weak, helpless. Everything about it scares the shit out of me. You, the situation, the way you make me feel, and the fact I can’t stop wanting to be with you… I had it under control until I kissed you. Contrary to what you believe, it wasn’t planned. It was impulsive, desperate, and pitiful, and I’ve regretted it ever since.” His mouth watered at the memory of how she tasted. “Don’t get me wrong, it was an exceptional kiss. Ten stars on a five-star scale kind of kiss. I regretted it because until then I thought it was one-sided. But you kissed me back… And every time I’ve thought of you since, that’s what I remember. Our ten-star kiss. How you tasted. How you kissed me back. What it would be like to have you…”
Ally released her hold on him.
He stared at the spot on his arm her fingers had touched. “Things I have no right thinking about.”
“I know.”
Her response not only silenced the rest of his confession, the party in his stomach stopped as well. Any hope this conversation would not end with them going their separate ways vanished with those two words.
“Eddie. It’s not uncommon for a victim to fall for their rescuer and vice versa. You and I have shared trauma and hope together. That sharing of experiences can easily be misconstrued as something more than what it is. What we feel—”
He grinned. “What we feel? That means you feel it too then.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No,” she raised her voice, silencing him. “It is not.” She sat cross-legged, playing with the hem of her pants. “I spent so much of my life planning, preparing for the person I was supposed to be, the direction my life was supposed to go. This life journey I planned out. I was packed and knew exactly where I was going, and then life stepped in and blew up the road from under me.”
Her words had all the beginnings of a “letting him down gently” sermon, and one she really didn’t need to finish. Eddie climbed to his knees. “It’s okay. I’m okay. You don’t need to explain—”
“I do need to explain.” Alisha grabbed his arm. “Please.”
He wished he could refuse her. Instead, he nodded and sat back down. Eddie planted his hands in the sand behind him, stretched out his legs, and got comfortable. Something told him this would take a while. “So, the road you were supposed to take blew up. Which means you need to create a new road to get where you need to go.”
“Sometimes you can’t.” She swiped her thumb over the spot where her wedding ring once sat, making the point to her speech crystal clear to him. “Because the destination you had in mind isn’t an option anymore.”
“Like when David died.”
She nodded. “It was a trip for two not one. The destination doesn’t even exist anymore. Which is why I got up and started a new journey, but this time, instead of David, I have new passengers. A new road. When Jayden was diagnosed, the road was taken from under me. Again. All these changes have left me…” She stared out as if searching for the words. “Not so confident about how it will play out. I’m scrutinizing risks more than I have ever before because I’m terrified that in the end, I’ll be alone.”
The fear she described, he understood. His world was all about risk assessments and making decisions that minimized those risks.
“Up until about a year and a half ago, do you know what
my biggest fear was?” Her voice cracked.
“What?”
“That I would have to bury both my sons. One from an illness and one from the career he’s chosen.”
She grabbed a stick and dug it into the sand creating a line. On top of the line, she drew a small hill. “At my lowest points, I found myself imagining that I lived in an empty house, and in the yard side by side, were David…” It wasn’t until the second hill joined the first that he realized they were tombstones. “Jayden.” Then a third. “Razaa. And after Mumbai, I realized there was one more.” A fourth hill was added to the row.
His gaze locked with hers.
“Your feelings aren’t one-sided, Eddie. And there’s no doubt that whatever this is between us is strong but…” She glanced at the drawing she’d made. “Most people would be scared of getting their hearts broken.”
“But you’re not most people.”
“I’m not. After all I’ve gone through, a broken heart I can handle. But I can’t risk burying another man I…”
The spark of hope that had sprouted earlier had grown limbs and were winding themselves around his chest.
She shook her head as if erasing the words he willed her to utter. “That imaginary cemetery I’ve erected in my mind is already too big for me to handle.”
He waited, making sure she was done before he spoke. Conflicting emotions warred with him. A part of him wanted to hold her and celebrate her almost-confession of love. To point out the holes to her argument, all reasons for why she should reconsider, but he swallowed them down. She wouldn’t hear them. Not right now. Instead, he gave in to the part that crushed his chest and burned his eyes. The one he knew was causing her the most distress. He reached over and brushed away one of the tombstones. “Jay’s not going to die.”
“I have to remind myself of that every time we go to his checkups.”