by Linda Kage
“You were going to cry whether I followed you or not,” I said, arching a challenging eyebrow.
She lifted her chin defiantly, and the tears in her eyes glittered brightly. “You don’t know that for sure.”
“Yes, I do.” I moved closer to the window and clutched the frame, hating that I had to stand out here to say all this. “I hurt you, and you hurt me. The whole fucking reason I thought sex was a bad idea was because I was sure it’d hurt our friendship. So I’m not leaving here tonight until I know we’re still solid. Now let me in.”
“We’re solid,” she ground out in a tone that told me she was just trying to get me to go away.
I didn’t. Groaning, I let my head roll back so I could look up at the stars beginning to appear. The last time I’d looked up at the sky, the sun had been setting, Sarah had been at my side, and I’d felt more content than I’d felt...in maybe forever.
It was crazy how everything could change in only a few, awful minutes.
“Sarah,” I damn-near whimpered.
Grumbling out her defeat, she reached out and opened the window.
I climbed inside and shut the latch behind me, then turned to face her where she’d scooted back against the headboard and was hugging her knees to her chest.
A good five feet of space separated us, but it felt like miles. From the moment I’d held her after her mom had died, we’d had a very physical friendship, always hugging, touching, cuddling.
Not touching her just felt...wrong.
She clutched her knees and shook, looking small. Too small. “This is weird.”
I sniffed out my agreement and rubbed my face. Then I dropped my hands and drew in a breath. I couldn’t handle this fucking space between us.
“Look, I totally understand your need to prove to yourself that you’re not deficient in any way, which you’re not. You know that, right?”
When she gave a half-hearted shrug and wouldn’t meet my gaze, I growled. “Sarah. There is nothing wrong with you.”
“Then what other reason would you tell me no?” she asked in a harsh whisper. Her face lifted and blue eyes looked tormented. “Just say it already. You can’t get it up for me, can you?”
I blinked, totally not expecting that. “What?”
“It’s okay,” she murmured as if trying to soothe me. “I understand. If I just don’t attract you in that way, you can tell me. You can’t help what your body does and doesn’t want. But please don’t spare my feelings about it, because I need to know if that’s the case.”
A laugh burst from me. “You seriously think that’s my problem?” I gripped my side because, fuck, that had to be the funniest, yet saddest thing I’d ever heard.
My amusement set off a scowl in her. “Well, I don’t know, Brandt. Is it?”
Sobering, I shook my head. “Christ. You drive me insane. Does this look like a fucking limp dick to you?”
Glancing down at the bulge in my pants when I cupped it in my hand to show her how hard I was, her eyes flared wide. “Oh.” She sounded breathless and surprised. And then her gaze filled with hope as it darted up to my face. “You mean, I...I really can turn a man on?”
A man, not me specifically. None of her sex fantasies had anything to do with me. She just wanted a willing—and apparently hard—penis to work with.
Well, I wanted her to want me.
“Yeah, you can.” Sneering, I grabbed a pillow from beside her and yanked it close to cover my lap. “Congratulations.”
Her eyes softened to something almost sympathetic as she watched me begin to blush. Yes, I was goddamn blushing. Shut it.
But then perplexity marred her brow. “I’m really not the problem,” she murmured as if realizing something.
I closed my eyes, glad she’d at least stopped thinking she had something wrong with her. “No. You’re not the problem at all.” My body would love to dive into hers, right that second, actually.
Sarah sniffed. “Well...you can’t be the problem. You’re perfect. And you’ve done this before, so—”
“Yes, thank you,” I bit out, cutting her off sharply. “You’ve made it perfectly clear you think I’m a man-slut and fuck any woman who wants it from me. I got it.”
Rearing back because the scorn in my voice obviously startled her, she immediately began to shake her head. “No. That’s not what I meant at all, Brandt. You know I don’t think... “ But her words trailed off and her head tilted to the side as she studied me intently.
I frowned back, hunching my shoulders over my body protectively as I kept the pillow firmly in place over my stupid, swollen junk.
Suddenly her lips parted with a sharp intake of breath. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
Snorting my denial, I began to shake my head. But my mind zipped to the one thing I couldn’t tell anyone, and shit, I gulped. That should have nothing to do with this, but what if it did? It had affected my sex life, kept me from letting women touch me there, ever. It left me feeling dirty, way too dirty to ever put such filth inside Sarah. It still haunted my dreams sometimes at night.
Holy fuck, what if my mother had ruined any chance I ever could’ve had to be with the woman I loved?
Sarah shook her head as if in denial, but her eyes kept growing as she stared at my face. I knew I was giving everything away with my paling, guilty expression.
“But you tell me everything,” she murmured in a soft, confused, hurt voice.
I lowered my face, ashamed.
“Brandt,” she whispered, sounding so concerned I had to squeeze my eyes shut against it. I heard the bedsheet rustle as she scooted closer. Warm fingers touched my arm. “You know you can tell me anything.”
I shook my head, still unable to look up at her. “I can’t...tell you this.”
“Okay.” She said it firmly as if she understood, though I knew she understood nothing. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about anything. We don’t have to do anything. I’ll stop upsetting you.”
I glanced at her, still feeling shitty because I hadn’t given her the one thing I knew she wanted most. “I’m sorry. You know I’d do anything for you. I just...I can’t do this.”
With a nod, she repeated, “Okay. It’s okay.”
But it didn’t feel okay. There was still a foot of space between us. “Can we just cuddle?” I asked, only to wince. “Jesus, I sound like a fucking chick.”
Sarah laughed. “Hey! Since I’m part of this superior chick species you’re bashing, I’d say that’s not such a bad thing, but yeah...yeah, we can totally just cuddle.”
“Thank you.”
I must’ve looked as vulnerable as I felt because she took my hand and led me up her bed toward the pillows. We each kicked off our shoes and then crawled under the sheets together, both of us still fully dressed.
Hugging her close, I buried my face in her hair. She petted my head, quiet for a minute before murmuring, “If you’re like disfigured—you know, down there—it wouldn’t bother me. I mean, heck, I probably wouldn’t even know the difference since I’ve never seen one before.”
I laughed, pretty sure that was her intent the entire time, to lighten the mood. “Shut up, smart-ass. I’m not disfigured.”
“Oh.” I swear, she actually sounded disappointed about that. “Well...whatever. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t have mattered.”
“Go to sleep,” I rumbled into her hair.
“Demandy pants,” she huffed back even as her body settled more snuggly against mine.
When she went still a minute later, I knew she was out.
I relaxed some myself and then tugged her even closer. But sleep didn’t come nearly as quickly for me. First of all, I was still tempted to give her exactly what she wanted, and my cock wouldn’t stop throbbing. But most importantly, I was worried. She knew I had some kind of secret now. What if she somehow got it out of me? What if she learned what I’d done?
I wasn’t sure I could survive if that happened.
SARAH
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I felt crappy when I woke up Tuesday morning.
Brandt was gone. I pressed my hand to his empty pillow, hoping the night before hadn’t happened. Not the date part. The date had been amazing. And not even the part where he’d curled around me and clutched me for dear life as we’d fallen asleep together. That had been soul-binding.
But the part where I’d ruined everything by asking him to take my virginity. That...yeah, that part had sucked balls. Big, mutated, elephant-sized donkey balls.
I still couldn’t believe I’d done it. Right up until the second the question had popped out of my mouth, I hadn’t planned on asking it. And then he’d even gone and given me an out as soon as I’d said it, telling me we could just forget about it. But no...I’d just had to push.
Why? Why had I pushed?
It could’ve been because Seth had rattled me, maybe, left me questioning everything, and I’d just grown so determined to show him and myself—heck, the entire world—that I could be a normal, average woman. But Brandt had been right again when he’d told me I was trying to use him to make myself feel better.
God, I hated it when he was right. I’d never meant to belittle and objectify him.
Even so, not knowing whatever secret he was keeping bothered me. A lot. We didn’t keep secrets from each other, though now that I thought of it, he’d never shared anything of his sex life with me, purposefully keeping me separated from that part of him. I just...I couldn’t figure out why.
I was humiliated and embarrassed, sad, hurt, and yet extremely glad he’d come back and made us talk it through. If we’d left it as a fight in front of my house, I would’ve been too ashamed to ever face him again.
And now I felt even worse for hurting his feelings, and then for picking at something that was obviously a tender subject for him.
I’d make it up to him.
I’d apologize again. Bake him some cookies. Something.
When my alarm clock went off, I slapped at my snooze button for like the third time this morning and sighed up at my ceiling, wishing I could just stay curled in bed for the rest of the year...or at least until I shed this crappy guilt.
Seconds later, my bedroom door burst open and Gracen, followed by Issa, raced inside to climb onto my bed and then climb onto me, babbling something about cereal, I think.
“Issa! Gray!” Reese was only a few seconds behind them as she burst into the room. “Let your aunt sleep.” She looked bedraggled and half dressed for work. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. I’ll get them out of here.”
“No, it’s fine,” I told her. “Go ahead and do whatever you need to do. They can hang out with me for a few minutes while you get ready. I don’t have class until nine.”
“Oh my God. Thank you! I’m running late and really appreciate it.” She slapped a quick kiss to my forehead, told her two children to behave, and then escaped from the room.
The twins stayed on the bed with me, and we played tickle games until Reese had everything in order. She was scarfing down a granola bar when she popped back in to collect them. “Thanks again, Sarah. You’re a lifesaver.” After scooping up Gray, she tugged Issa to the floor by her hand. Then she paused to ask, “Do you need help with anything?”
She asked me that every day. Most of the time, I did need something, help with my hair, underwear, makeup. But she was already late and besides, it struck me how much time she’d put into me over the years. Not wanting to be an obligation this morning and knowing I could get the bare essentials by myself with a little more time and effort, I shook my head. “No thanks. I got it.”
That made her pause uncertainly. “You sure?”
I nodded. Today, I just couldn’t be a bother to anyone. I couldn’t...I don’t know. After last night, I was still feeling selfish and needy. So it was extra important to me to prove to myself that I could get by just fine without relying on everyone else for my comfort and happiness.
And I ended up nearly being late for my first class of the day because of it. Usually, I showed up early. But this morning, I rolled into the lecture hall just as the professor was beginning class. Most of the seats were taken, so I paused my chair at the front of the room next to the last row and used my lap as a desk as I dragged my laptop from my book bag to take notes.
The hour dragged on, and I spaced out for most of it.
Fortunately, I had a free space after that and thought a drink, something full of sugar and caffeine, might provide the kick-start I needed. Reese had gotten me hooked on her white chocolate mocha addiction, so I headed toward the nearest Starbucks on campus when I heard someone call my name.
Since I had such a common first name, I ignored it until a second later, the same voice hollered, “Yo, Arnosta. Wait up!”
That caused me to pause on the sidewalk and glance around the busy quad until I noticed the tall, lean guy waving me down as he jogged over.
I blinked, sure I had to be seeing things. But that familiar grin that looked too much like his brother’s was impossible not to recognize. “What the heck are you doing here?”
Colton laughed as he reached me. “College day. I got out of a full day of school to visit campus, meet my advisor, take a tour, shit like that.”
“Oh. My. God,” I uttered, shaking my head. “I still can’t believe you’re old enough to graduate high school. I swear it was just yesterday you were only eight and asking me why I shook so much.”
He closed his eyes and winced. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
Grinning, I shook my head. “Not when it’s so fun to tease you.”
He huffed out a sound before his face split back into an ornery grin. “Hey, I was going to contact you last week, see if you could hack into my school records and lower a grade for me, but big brother growled around about it and seemed to think you wouldn’t go for that.”
The mention of big brother made my smile falter, but then I wrinkled my nose. Had he just said lower his grade? “I wouldn’t have,” I told him, tilting my head to the side and wincing against the blaring sunlight as I tried to look up at him. “Besides, if you wanted a worse grade, why didn’t you just purposely get some answers wrong on your tests?”
He shrugged and sent me a moody glance. “I dunno. It’s a pride thing, I guess. But now I’m fucking stuck with these awesome scores, and I’m going to end up salutatorian. You know, they make you give a shitty speech at graduation if you’re salutatorian.”
I laughed. “I wouldn’t have thought talking in front of a bunch of people would be a problem for you.”
He rolled his eyes. “As if anyone would want to listen to me...not when the sacred almighty valedictorian would talk right after that.”
The way he sneered the word valedictorian made everything suddenly clear. “Oh, so you just don’t like being in second place.”
He really had tried to do the best he could on his tests. He just hadn’t done better than one other person, and that bothered him.
“Who likes being in second place?” he grumbled. “It’s the first loser’s spot. Everyone is going to watch me get up in front of them and accept being the first loser.”
I frowned at that thinking. “Well, I don’t think it’ll be quite that—”
“And the valedictorian is a fucking douche, too,” he ranted on. “I can’t believe I’m losing out to a total douche. I might as well not have fucking tried at all.”
“You know, you’re right.” I nodded sagely. “I’ve never won first, second or even third place at anything in my entire life. Why, I might as well just kill myself now.”
Colton blinked, startled by my vehemence. Then he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “So you’re telling me to stop being a whiny little bitch and suck it up, huh?”
I grinned. Colton was such a fun kid. “Pretty much. Now sit down already.” I motioned to a nearby bench. “Before staring up at you and into the direct sunlight blinds me.”
“Oh! Shit, sorry.” He immediately plopped onto the ben
ch beside me.
I laughed, though the entire thing made me think of Brandt. I never had to ask him to lower himself to my eye level. He just automatically did it. Ever since our first meeting, he’d been so considerate, thinking of things from my perspective and altering himself to fit it. He always put me first.
God, I didn’t deserve him for a friend. Why had I asked him to pimp himself out to me?
“So what’s going on between you and Brandt?” Colton asked, making me whip my gaze to him.
“What do you mean?”
He grinned. “He was acting like a jackass at breakfast. So I told him he needed to go visit you, because, well, you always put him in a better mood. But I swear he would’ve torn my head off if Noel hadn’t jumped in and saved my adorable butt.”
I sighed. Yep, I’d really screwed the pooch with my stupid question last night, hadn’t I? Poor Brandt.
“We’re fighting,” I lamented.
“I figured as much.” Colton sounded amused as he pulled a pack of gum from his pocket and unrolled a piece before popping it into his mouth. “But what are you fighting about?”
My face went so hot I could only imagine what shade of red it turned. Glancing away, I mumbled, “Nothing.”
No way in hell did I want to admit how humiliating being turned down by Brandt had been...or go on about how much it’d hurt to learn he had some kind of secret he wasn’t telling me. I already felt crappy enough for pushing at something I shouldn’t have pushed.
“Interesting,” Colton murmured as his lips spread so wide into a devilish grin I wondered if they’d break out the sides of his cheeks. “So you guys finally did it, huh?”
“What?” I sputtered. “No!”
My cheeks had to be so red they were bordering on purple now.
“Ahh.” I really didn’t like that knowing gleam in his eyes as he watched me. “So you turned him down? Bummer for big bro.”
“No. I did not turn him down.” Feeling petulant and moody, I scowled and mumbled, “He turned me down.”
Oh my God, I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. Brandt’s brother was like family and I was more comfortable with him than ninety-nine percent of the population, but still. Embarrassing!