by K. R. Reese
“Let’s just go, Mitch,” I plead.
He pulls his arm from my hold and takes a step toward Levi. “I see you touch her again and it’ll be the last time you use your hands.”
Levi remains calm, a passive expression firmly in place. I wave over my shoulder as Mitchell practically drags me back toward the sidewalk to home.
***
When we arrive at the house we share with our uncle, it’s dark and silent. Mitchell unlocks the door and I slip off my shoes. Before he can make the ultimate escape to his room, I corner him in the entryway.
“What the hell, Mitch?” I cross my arms in front of my chest and glare in his direction. He won’t look at me, running his hands through his already tousled hair.
“You don’t need to hang out with those people, Mace,” he mumbles.
I laugh, the sound foreign to my own ears. Mitchell’s eyes widen too, shocked that I did it. “What kind of people would that be? The kind that doesn’t want anything from me? The kind that treats me like a normal human being. That’s what I want, Mitchell! So, what if he smokes a little pot!” I’m yelling now, tears welling in my eyes. “I don’t want to be treated like some broken, fragile girl who needs protection, Mitch. Why can’t you see that?”
Mitchell’s eyes meet mine, sadness evident in his stare. “But you do need protection, Maci. I couldn’t save you before, and I won’t let that happen again. I’m your big brother, even if only by a few minutes. We’re in this together, and I’ll do everything in my power to keep you away from those like Levi.”
“Have you looked in the mirror, Mitch? You’re trying to protect me from people that are just like you.” I say it quietly, hoping those words sink in. “You’re being a hypocrite, Mitchell.” When he huffs, I roll my eyes and stomp toward my bedroom. It’s a good thing Rick isn’t home tonight. He would yell at us for bickering and hand out punishments later.
I cringe and my hands shake at the thought. My first experience with the back of our uncle’s hand was a once off. I mouthed back and he hadn’t expected it. Later that night, he snuck into my room and told me I was going to be quiet or Mitchell would pay for my bad behavior. I protected my brother the only way I could. The only way I knew how. I stayed quiet, silent tears streaming down my face while Rick took advantage of having his adopted niece in the house. It turns out, he wasn’t any better than our father had been before he was arrested. And Mitchell doesn’t know about the sexual abuse; he would kill Rick if he did, and I don’t want to lose him, too.
Mitchell stays silent behind me as we climb the stairs. We no longer share a room like we did at our parents’, and it’s weird. We’ve been close through everything since childhood. While it’s nice to have my own personal space, sometimes it gets lonely and other thoughts take over my mind. Bad dreams and even worse nightmares that I can’t escape from.
As I reach my bedroom door, Mitchell’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Come get me tonight if you need me, Mace. Don’t worry about waking me up.”
I glance at the frown marred on his face and nod. That’s all the acknowledgement he needs before he heads to his own room. The thing is, we both fight our own demons and nightmares. But whereas I’ve found a way to release the anxiety and panic that mine causes, Mitchell hasn’t. He’s full of hatred, self-loathing and pent up anger. One of these days, it will explode.
Dear Diary,
Today, I can put a smile on my face.
Today should have started differently. Instead, I woke in a cold sweat from another nightmare. I thought they were gone, at least for a little while, but they’re back with a vengeance and I don’t know who to talk to about it.
Mitchell tries to understand, he really does, but his temper usually overrides logic in those situations. So, I stay silent. I suffer alone. Well, not totally alone. The only peace of mind lies underneath my leather wristbands Mom bought me for our 13th birthday. I’ve worn them since and no one questions why.
I wish they would. I wish I could tell someone.
But they’ll tell me it’s wrong. That I shouldn’t express my feelings that way. It’s easier to hide behind the lies than to spew half-truths and reveal who I really am.
Because underneath it all, I’m still Maci Sutton. The little girl with pigtails who loved to chase fireflies when the sun set. The pre-teen with braces who had confidence and loved who she was.
Somewhere underneath all the shit that’s happened these past few years, I’m still me. I just have to dig deep to find her. Finding her means finding freedom.
Chapter 4
Levi
It’s been one week since the beach festival that I invited Maci and Mitchell to. I’ve passed them on campus a few times, but they’ve avoided all contact and we haven’t spoken. Maybe it’s weird that I want to hang out with a couple freshmen, but there’s something about them.
Maci with her amber eyes and chestnut hair. There’s a sadness in her eyes that I want to rid her of, if only she’d let me. She’s sent me a few small smiles when Mitchell isn’t looking. But I haven’t been able to talk to her because they’ve been attached at the hip.
And Mitchell. He reminds me so much of myself a few years ago. Angry. Aggressive. Full of rage that’s going to boil over.
I used to be that way. When my Dad passed away, I rebelled, and my Mom didn’t know what to do about it. She let me run wild and release my frustration any way I could. It helped some, but it took a long while for my temper to be in control. That’s what Mitchell reminds me of. A gasket just waiting to blow.
He’s protective of Maci, and I understand why. She’s beautiful, smart, honest. Like she told me the night on the beach, I am trouble. But she’s temptation, and any guy on campus would chew her up and spit her out if she would give them the chance. But as far as I’ve seen, she doesn’t have eyes for anyone.
My chest tightens at the thought of some other guy pulling her against their side like I did the night of the fireworks. I rub the spot, trying to ease the ache. Mitchell has every right as her brother to be wry. They don’t know me. They don’t know who I am. Safe to say, I may not be the best influence for either of them. But I’m not going to ignore them.
As I sit under the pavilion during lunch and wonder if Maci is scribbling in the notebook she carries everywhere, I notice a familiar face coming in my direction. While Maci doesn’t stand out in a crowd because she’s shy and stays quiet, Mitchell is loud and let’s everyone know he’s around. When he enters the pavilion, my muscles tense, prepared for a fight. The last time we were this close, he tried to smash my head in for messing with Maci.
“Hey, Levi, I wanted to apologize.” He stares down at his feet. “You know, for my behavior at the beach. There’s a lot you don’t know, so I don’t expect you to understand. But I am sorry.”
I eye him skeptically. It’s hard to tell if he’s being serious, or if Maci sent him to apologize. “It’s no big deal. I get it. I’m sorry I overstepped boundaries. It won’t happen again.”
When Mitchell’s gaze connects with me, I suck in a breath, stunned. The same amber eyes as Maci’s are nonexistent. In their place are two solid black orbs; his pupils dilated enough to erase all traces of color.
He takes a step closer, placing himself across from me at the table. “That’s where you’re wrong, Levi. I chastised Maci when we left the beach last week. I told her she didn’t need to hang around people like you.” He snorts. “I knew you were high. I saw you down by the pier; I recognized Stephen and Axel, too. I was trying to protect her.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry for treating you differently for letting loose a little. Maci’s my little sister and I don’t want her mixed up in this shit.”
I rub my jaw and take a deep breath. I think Mitchell’s deeper into this shit than I’ve ever been. “Does Maci know?” The question is quiet, measured. I don’t want him to think I’m judging him.
Mitchell shakes his head.
“It isn’t my place to say anything, Mitch, but she isn’t stupid. S
he knew the moment she stepped close to me. One look at you,” I gesture toward him. “And she’s going to know you’re on something. What exactly did you do?”
A confused expression crosses his face before it’s gone.
“It was just supposed to be a joint. Something to take the edge off, help me relax.” He sighs. “Then someone started splitting lines on a notebook, and I… I couldn’t say no. Maybe that makes me weak, I don’t know, but I’ve been hiding it. Waiting until Maci’s in bed. I can’t go home like this. My uncle would kill me, and Maci’s dealing with her own shit.”
I wonder for a second what shit Maci’s going through, but I don’t ask. It isn’t my place. It’s none of my business. Even if the thought of anything hurting her makes my fists clench.
“This is where I should be the role model and tell you all the fucked-up shit that could happen, but I’m not a standup citizen, Mitch. You’re probably right to warn me away from Maci.”
He shrugs and stares at the main building where people are beginning to exit. Probably watching for Maci. The innocent bystander in this whole mess.
“You can come to my house. My mom’s never home and that way Maci doesn’t know what’s going on. But you won’t be able to hide it forever.”
A smirk appears on his face before he thanks me and saunters off to finish out the rest of the day.
Chapter 5
Maci
I waited outside for Mitchell to show up, but he never did. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing, and now I have to go home alone. Lucky me.
When I get to the front steps, Rick’s car is parked in the driveway and the lights are on inside the house. My stomach tightens and my pulse pounds in my ears. Without Mitchell, I don’t know what will happen. But I can’t stay outside all day either since it started to rain on the walk home.
Rick doesn’t like us living in his house. He’s made it very obvious from the beginning. We aren’t allowed to curse. We have to cook him dinner and do the laundry. I know they’re typical household chores, but with our uncle it’s different. The list of what we aren’t allowed to do is endless.
I enter the house and go straight to the kitchen to start dinner. Rick is seated in the living room, reading some sort of book, and doesn’t greet me when I enter. Sometimes I wonder what exactly he does at work. I know he’s some higher up in some company in the city. But that isn’t a job description, and we know better than to ask questions.
I glance around, and again I wonder if Mitchell will be home for dinner or if I’ll have to suffer through it alone. Since we moved here, he’s never stayed out overnight. He’s always been here with me, for me, because Rick creeps him out.
I place dinner on the table and scoop out our plates. I’m seated across from Rick, picking at my food when he asks the question I’ve dreaded since I walked through the door.
“Where’s Mitch this evening?”
I shrug and stare into my plate.
“Aren’t you two attached or something? I never see you apart.”
I lift my gaze to meet his questioning one. “I’m not his babysitter. If you want to know where he is, why don’t you call him?” I snap my mouth shut as he narrows his eyes at me. I quickly finish what little dinner I could eat and go to bed.
Before I close my eyes and let the drowsiness pull me under, I send a text to Mitch.
Maci: Where are you, Mitch? I snapped at Rick when he asked, and now you’re still not home. Call me. Please.
Instead of waking to nightmares that can’t hurt me, I hear Rick come into my room and slam the door. I instinctively shy away from him and stand against the far wall. He steps toward me, stumbling, eyes wild and dangerous.
I take another step backward and clear my throat. “What’s…what’s wrong?”
“I don’t think you appreciate everything I’ve done for you little brats.” Another step toward me. “Do you know what it’s like to take in two teenagers who don’t give a damn about rules and obedience?”
The way he says it makes us sound like dogs he’s trying to train. I bite my tongue to not say the words running through my head. They’ll only succeed in pissing him off.
“What you said earlier, at dinner, was disrespectful. You do not disrespect me! Do you hear me?”
Rick steps closer, and I’m trapped between him and the wall.
“Yes, yes, I hear you! I didn’t mean…”
I watch as his hand raises, and he slaps me across the face. I wonder, again, where Mitchell ran off to and why he isn’t here to prevent these things from happening. When he sees the tears, he wraps his hand around my throat and presses me into the wall.
“Next time you want to open your mouth, remember this. Remember Mitchell won’t always be here to protect you. He’ll abandon you, just like everyone else. But I’ll always be right here, Maci.”
The pressure on my throat increases, and tears run down my face as black dots start to form in my vision. Rick mumbles something and releases me, leaving the room. I hear his bedroom door slam a split second later.
I scramble for my phone on the bed, desperate to talk to Mitchell. To anyone who will listen.
I dial his number. Once. Twice. It keeps going to voicemail.
“Where the hell are you, Mitch?” I ask myself.
On my next try, I hear the fumbling of the phone through the speaker.
“Maci, what’s wrong?” Levi is the last person I expect to answer my brother’s phone.
Chapter 6
Levi
Mitchell met me outside after his last class. We drove to the beach and sat for hours until his phone alerts him to a message, and then we’re heading to a party on the wrong side of town.
He knocks on the door and Axel answers, moving aside so we can walk in. There’s a house full of people, some I recognize, others I don’t. Mitchell smiles and talks with everyone who passes, comfortable in the surroundings as if he’s been here before.
I check my phone screen instinctively. I don’t know how to get ahold of Maci. I could ask Mitchell, but that probably wouldn’t go over well. But, there’s an uncomfortable awareness. Like a premonition, something’s going to go wrong.
We move into the kitchen where a joint and alcohol are freely flowing. I join the celebration, and watch Mitchell intently. I’ve never wandered too far into the harder drugs; pot has always been my choice. But I know it only takes one time before you’re hooked, and Mitchell hasn’t been sober all day.
A little while later, Maci’s still on my mind and I’m itching to get out of here. Mitchell disappeared a while ago, but he plops beside me on the sofa and nudges me with his elbow. “They’re lit the fuck up,” he slurs and points to a group huddled around the coffee table. There’s one girl I recognize from one of my classes with a rolled-up dollar in her hand, leaning over three white lines cut evenly on the glass top.
I nod and keep my head down. This party is going to get crazier, and I want to be out of here before that happens. I drag my gaze to Mitchell, his glossed eyes completely shaded black.
“I think it’s time to go, Mitch,” I say loud enough for him to hear me. He checks his pockets, a habit I’ve noticed tonight, and he stands.
“Let’s get out of here,” he says over his shoulder as he heads to the door.
We make it back to my house without incidence. As expected, there aren’t any lights on when we stumble through the door.
“I think I’m going to crash, Levi. Thanks for letting me stay here. It’s been a long day.” Mitch can barely speak the words and I lead him upstairs to my bedroom. I let him fall onto the middle of the bed, uncaring that I now have nowhere to sleep tonight unless I take the other room. My mind is still on Maci and what she would think about Mitchell right now.
I know they’ve had a messed up few years. I’ve heard all the rumors around town, even though I’ve tried to ignore them. But I won’t push for answers. Even if I want them.
Maci makes me think crazy things. Things I shouldn’t
. She’s too young, too innocent. And I’m jaded. The fuck up. The kind nobody truly wanted, but they dealt with me anyway they could. My mom still appeases me however she can. I’m an adult, and she tries to show her love through expensive gifts and unlimited credit cards.
I don’t want to taint Maci or Mitchell’s life. If the rumors are true, they’ve had it hard enough. But I will do anything to keep them straight, because they deserve to have some good in the blackness surrounding them. If that means dragging Mitchell’s ass home, high and drunk, so it doesn’t tarnish his sister’s image of him, that’s what I’ll do.
A high-pitch ringing begins from where Mitchell dropped his jacket when he entered my room. That damn phone didn’t stop ringing the entire drive over here.
I reach down as the sound stops. There are twenty missed calls, all of them from Maci. I try to dial her back, but the lock screen won’t let me. My heart rate increases, and my palms sweat. Something’s wrong. Why else would she call that many times? Just as I go to wake Mitchell up, the ringing starts again. I scramble to answer it.
“Maci, what’s wrong?” I can hear the sobs from the other end of the line.
“Levi, where’s…where’s Mitch? Why do you have his phone?”
I’m unsure how much she knows. I give her a brief half-truth.
“He’s asleep. We came to my house after class and he just crashed a little while ago.”
Maci sighs through the line, small hiccups masked by her cries.
“Maci, do you need me to wake him up? What’s wrong?” I ask again, hopeful she’ll give me an answer this time.
“No, no, don’t wake him. I…I just need to get out of here.”
The words aren’t all the way out of her mouth and I’m throwing my shoes back on, headed down the stairs with Mitchell’s phone pressed against my ear. “Where are you, Maci? Are you at home?”
“Yes, but Rick’s here, too, and he’ll never let me leave. Mitchell didn’t come home with me; he’s never left me alone, and…” Her voice breaks off on another sob.