by K. R. Reese
When I told Ben I was planning to go home, he arranged everything and insisted on coming with me for at least a day. His presence helped the anxiety I felt as we pulled in front of the house. Ever since I no longer depended on the drugs and alcohol to numb everything, the panic attacks had returned, but only if I was in a highly stressful situation. Like right now.
“What if they aren’t home?” I ask Ben before we get out of the car.
“You’ll never know if you don’t try, Maci. We didn’t come all this way to sit out front. Come on, I’m right behind you.”
Once I’m walking up the stairs to the porch, a crippling feeling almost stops me dead in my tracks. There were many nights Levi and I sat out here talking about everything and nothing. One of the many things I admitted in rehab was that I was full of regrets. I shouldn’t have left. But I can’t regret that because then I wouldn’t have gone to rehab, I wouldn’t have gotten help. Something I could have done is forgive Levi sooner. I shouldn’t have walked away without talking to him first.
Ben doesn’t give me the option to back out now. He rings the doorbell. When it opens slightly, I hold my breath.
“Maci,” Levi whispers.
I’m silent too long, frozen in his gaze. Ben steps forward. “We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Ben.” Levi shakes his hand, but keeps his eyes on me. Ben turns to me. “Maci, I’ll, uh, come back to get you later, okay?” He grips my shoulder and it pulls me out of my trance.
“Oh, yeah, that’s fine. Thanks, Ben. For everything.”
After the car pulls away, Levi opens the door wider and walks back into the house. I swallow hard, mentally bracing myself while following him into the house.
“Would you like something to drink?” His eyebrows draw down when he looks at me.
“Um, water would be fine.” This is awkward. When Levi walks away, my stomach drops. Did Mitch tell him I didn’t want to be found? Has he moved on? Am I too late? Before I can get ahead of myself, I start toward the kitchen. When I go to round the corner, I run directly into Levi. He drops the bottle of water he was carrying and reaches out to steady me. My heart pounds hard enough to shake my entire body.
“I’m sorry, I was just…” I see the small smile on his face and duck my head to hide my blush. I back up a step and he releases me.
“Let’s go sit.” Levi retrieves the water he dropped, and I follow him to the couch.
Once we’re seated, he stares at his hands, his arms resting on his knees.
“Mace,” Levi whispers again, much like he did when he opened the door.
My lips quiver with a smile. A thick knot sticks in my throat. What if Levi decides he doesn’t want me in his life anymore?
“I’ve missed you,” I’m barely able to choke out.
“Do you…” He blows out a breath and meets my gaze. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been not knowing…” He can’t finish his sentence, a wounded expression filled with uncertainty on his face.
Too bad confessing that I am in love with him wouldn’t help this situation. Every muscle in my body burns with the need to run to him, yet I hesitate.
Levi changes the subject. “When do you have to go back?”
I shake my head. I’ve come this far; I won’t lie to him. “I bought a one-way ticket. I didn’t know how any of this would go, and I still have to talk to Mitch.”
Levi cringes. “He’s not going to be as forgiving, Mace, you know that don’t you?”
“I do,” I sigh. “I’m not expecting any of this to be easy. I’m not expecting forgiveness.”
Levi’s expression changes to something darker. “Is Ben staying, too?” That explains his change in demeanor.
“He brought me here, to make sure I would be okay. But he leaves tomorrow. He couldn’t get out of work longer.”
A tense smile passes over his face. “Where were you, Maci?” His head drops and he runs his hands through his hair.
“I was with Ben. In New York. I went to rehab.” Tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
“Are you two together now? Did you fuck him again?” he sneers. I gasp.
“That’s not how it is. He’s my friend.”
Levi finally looks at me. While his eyes are clear, there’s no emotion in them. I don’t recognize this person.
“You and I were just friends, too.” He smirks. I don’t move. I don’t say anything. “Why aren’t you with him, Maci?”
“Maybe I should be! I don’t know, Levi!” I yell, frustrated with his detached attitude. Yelling doesn’t make me feel better, but it’s the trigger Levi needed.
He pushes me against the back of the couch, his right hand pressed against my shoulder. I don’t back down, though, I meet his eyes. He grinds his teeth. Levi isn’t hurting me, and even with my time away, I know he wouldn’t. But I want him to because it would be better than this.
“Why did you come back?” he seethes.
I’m breathing too quickly, my lungs burn. The hole in my chest expands with guilt, and I know I’m going to succumb to it, let it pull me under. I close my eyes and try to get my breathing under control.
“No,” he groans. “Maci open your eyes, I’m sorry,” he whimpers.
Chapter 37
Levi
Maci’s still breathing rapidly, her eyes are still closed. I hadn’t meant for our conversation to go like this, but all those pictures had played on a movie reel in my head and I couldn’t help it. Ben will probably always be a touchy subject, and it’ll be hard to accept their friendship.
“Listen to me, Maci.” I touch her face. “Please listen to me. I didn’t mean anything by it. I lashed out. I’m sorry.” I clear away her tears and she sobs.
But her eyes meet mine. She holds onto my wrist, my palm still against her cheek. “Levi, I don’t deserve that apology. I…I was wrong. To leave you in New York, to walk away. I might have been clean, but I’ve had it in my head for so long that you were rejecting me…”
“Why would you think that, Mace?” She shakes her head and more tears flow down her face.
“Because I’m damaged Levi, broken. That feeling only intensified when I was high. But therapy helped. A lot.”
Then something registers that she had said earlier. “Wait, wait.” I pull back and let her go. “When I told you to find somewhere else to stay, you were still clean. You had stopped the cocaine, right?” Maci nods but let’s me get my thoughts out. “Then why did you go to rehab? Did you…Did Ben get you started again when you left?”
A small smile plays on her lips and I don’t understand it until she leans closer to my ear. “Is that jealousy I hear?” The words are whispered, but she might as well have screamed them. “I didn’t relapse. I know you think Ben is a bad guy, but he was lost. Just like I was. By the time I went back to New York, he was clean.”
“Then why the…”
Maci cuts me off. “Because I was hurt and angry. I wanted something to numb the pain. But I knew if I went out and looked for it, I’d go right back.” She puffs out her cheeks and blows out a huge breath. “I resorted to a cut instead, something that was my solace once upon a time.”
I tense at her words and reach for her hands. When I pull the sleeves of her shirt up, there are intricate flowers tattooed up the inside of her right arm. I run my thumb over them slowly until I feel the scars.
“It was supposed to be one. Then the guilt, the pain, it consumed me; it crashed down all at once. Ben found me that way, crying on the bathroom floor. He dropped me off at rehab the next day.”
I close my eyes and hide my face between her shoulder and neck. I wrap my arms around her as she cries, the pain rippling beneath her skin. I’m tired, defeated, and I look at Maci and wish things had been different. From the start, I wish we would have done things different.
Somewhere close by there’s a car door, footsteps, the turn of a handle. I know who it is, but I can’t pull away from the woman in my arms.
“What the hell is this?” Mitch calls fr
om over her shoulder. I lift my gaze to meet his and see the same turmoil in his eyes that I feel. Before I can convey anything without words, Maci stands to face her brother.
“This is not how I pictured things would go,” she confesses, a tense smile on her face.
Mitch stands taller, crossing his arms over his chest. “What are you doing here?” He won’t speak her name. The few times we’ve talked about her, he hasn’t said it.
I warned her it wasn’t going to be easy with him. They may be twins, but when she didn’t want to be found, Mitch had a hard time. He wrestled with her decision for weeks. Then one day, all traces of her were gone. Pictures, clothes, shoes. Anything that belonged to her, Mitch got rid of.
Now, as they stare at each other, I see him struggling again. Maci’s still his sister, no matter their disagreements and what’s happened. I refuse to step in and come to her defense. Any remaining resolution I have to hold back would shatter.
“What are you doing here, Maci?” Mitch asks again.
Her eyes flick to mine and I nod in support. Maci needs to tell Mitch what she told me. Then they can work it out from there.
“I wanted…” She stops and starts again. “I needed to see you. I need to explain.” Her hands are trembling, but she doesn’t back down from his harsh stare.
I clear my throat. “Uh, I’ll let you two talk.” Maci’s panicked look almost makes me stop. But I can’t hold her hand through this. She has to do it herself. “I’ll be out back.” I keep walking and close the door behind me.
I need some space, too, because Maci coming back has me thinking some crazy things.
Like a real relationship. A real try. A chance to prove we were always meant to be.
***
I startle awake and look around, disoriented about where I am for a minute. It’s then I realize I fell asleep out back and Mitch joining me woke me up.
“Hey,” I cover a yawn. “How long have I been out here?”
He sits in the chair beside me and rests his arms on his knees. “A few hours now. I thought about leaving you here all night just to be an asshole, but I need someone to talk to.”
I sit up straighter but stay silent. Usually Mitch doesn’t admit when he needs help or needs to talk. He’ll go to the gym, blast music obnoxiously loud, or a million other things. This is different. And I don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad thing.
“I walked in. today and thought I was seeing things. Thought maybe I really had gone off the deep end. I mean, Maci made it obvious that she wanted to be left alone and, as much as it killed me, I was willing to give her that. It wasn’t what I wanted for her, but if that was her choice, she had the right to make it.”
Words are lodged in my throat, so I just let him continue.
“I didn’t think I’d see her again. I thought the police would call me one day, and when I did see her, the outcome wouldn’t be a happy occasion.”
My voice is low, but I have to fill in here. “You know that’s the exact same thing she said about us on the day she left. On the day I kicked her out. How she never knew where we were, or if the police would come to the house to give her devastating news. I can say now that it isn’t a good feeling. The not knowing.” I sigh and look back to the house. “How did your talk go?”
“It went good, I think. I mean as good as it could be. I hope you don’t mind; she’s sleeping in the guestroom.”
I wave him off. I knew already that Ben was leaving tomorrow, and she wasn’t likely to want to stay in a hotel. Knowing that Maci is upstairs sleeping feels like old times. Before it got too bad that we couldn’t remember. We might have been wasted or high most of the time, but Mitch and I would sit out here and talk for hours. This is where I learned most of their secrets. And where Mitch learned mine, though he had figured most of them out already.
Mitch’s face twists to frustration, but I let it go. Today’s been a long, emotional day for everyone.
“So, I hate to bring this up…” He looks over at me and I brace myself for what he’s going to say. “But I think it’s long overdue.” Without bothering to ask if I want a beer from the cooler at his side, he cracks one open and hands it over. “I always knew you had a thing for Maci, from that first day in the hallway. I thought it was infatuation at first. Then the night everything happened, when I was passed out…” He hesitates; he still feels guilty for not being home when Maci needed him. But he continues a moment later. “That’s when I knew it was something more than that. Then I overreacted at the beach, and to be honest, I wanted to knock you out. I wanted to keep you away from her. For a lot of reasons. You have to understand, I’m all she’s had for a long time. When you took over that role, I felt betrayed.”
I take a long gulp of my beer before I say, “I could never replace you, Mitch. You’re her brother.”
“Trust me, man, I know that now.” He laughs. “Anyway, what I want to know is, do you love her? Can you forgive her for everything she’s done?”
“It’s a bit more complicated than that. I do love her, I’ve known that for a while now. But we’ve both said and done things…I guess my point is, she’s not the only one at fault.”
From the corner of my eyes, I see him down the rest of his beer and stand. “Listen, Levi, we’ve all made mistakes. Done and said some things we shouldn’t have and that we wish we could take back. But we were practically kids when we met; we’ve all grown up. And that woman in there,” he points to the doors. “That woman finally believes in love and happily ever after. Because of you.”
Mitch walks back inside before I can say anything. I follow shortly after, and head to bed making plans.
Chapter 38
Maci
I stroll the silent house the next morning unsure what to do. It seems Mitch and Levi both had better things to do than keep me company, though I can’t really blame them. I’m the one who barged in unexpectedly yesterday.
That doesn’t stop the bitterness I feel knowing that they continued living their lives without me, and now that I’m back, they can’t be bothered by my presence. It’s awkward to be here alone, so I text Ben to have breakfast before his flight.
Maci: Hey! Do you want to grab breakfast?
Ben: I wondered if I’d hear from you today. Let me get rid of my guest and I’ll be right there.
I quirk my eyebrow and vow to question him about his guest. I go sit on the porch to wait when Levi jogs up to the house shirtless and sweat pouring down his perfectly sculpted body. He removes the earbuds he had in and props himself against the railing.
I point to the chord dangling from his hand. “You know it’s dangerous to run with those in, right? You can’t hear your surroundings.”
“Are you worried about my safety?” He smirks and a blush rises to my cheeks. “I’m just messing with you, Maci. Where are you headed to this early?”
I hesitate, knowing his feelings for Ben. But I won’t lie to him. Not anymore. “I’m catching breakfast with Ben before his flight later.”
Levi masks his frustration well, but I catch a small glimpse of it. “That’s right, I forgot he leaves today. Well, I’m going to go shower. Have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He winks and goes into the house.
Before he can get the door closed, I yell over my shoulder. “That isn’t a very long list!” He slams it closed, which I deserve, but his nonchalance about breakfast pisses me off.
I want to take Mitchell’s advice and tell Levi how I really feel, but another part of me is scared. Let him go, my conscience has whispered all morning. Lie to him like you so easily did before. Sometimes it feels like I’m suffocating under our situation, and I haven’t been home two days. But lies are what started our relationship; they are what built our relationship from the moment we met. That cycle has to be broken if anything is going to work.
Ben pulls in and I climb in the car. We’re silent until we sit down with our food in the small coffee shop.
“So…” Ben prods, nudging me under
the table with his foot.
“There’s not too much to tell. Mitch and I agreed to work on what went wrong. He said he would go talk to someone about our parents, the abuse, and everything with me. He’s not completely receptive to the idea of me being here, but he’s not turning me away.”
“Yeah, I’m glad you’re working things out with your brother. Truly, Maci, I am. But you know I’m asking about Levi.”
I roll my eyes and throw a piece of my donut at him. “You’re worse than a teenage girl.”
Ben starts to laugh and gains the attention of a few nearby tables. He stops instantly and lowers his voice. “I have to live vicariously through you. Nothing interesting happens in my life anymore.”
I raise a brow at him. “What about your overnight guest?”
He throws food back. “Now who’s worse than a teenage girl?”
“You started it!”
We quiet down and I think about what there really is to tell. Levi and I didn’t talk too much before Mitch got home. Instead, I say what I’ve been thinking.
“There’s a huge part of me that wants to tell him how I feel. I need to tell him he’s the reason for rehab, because if he hadn’t kicked me out, I wouldn’t have stopped. I would have been pulled right back in. But there’s a small part of me that’s still terrified of his rejection. I know I love him. And I know he didn’t purposely reject me. But my mind hasn’t separated the two.”
Ben stares, absorbing what I told him. “You know what I’m going to say, Maci. You have to take chances when they’re presented to you. And it might not turn out the way you want, but at least you can say you tried. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
I give him a small smile. “What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?”
All joking disappears and he gives me a serious expression. “You understood. You listened.”
Tears sting my eyes and I swipe them away. I try to lighten the mood from the serious tone from a moment ago. “So, about that guest of yours?”
Ben shakes his head. “I’ll have to give you the details later. Let’s get you home, I have a plane to catch.”