by Krista Wolf
Get it off your chest and you’ll feel better.
No. That part was bullshit. I wouldn’t feel better. Not until I’d followed up and I knew for certain.
A couple of weeks ago, my blood tests had come back. The results had been ‘inconclusive’, which was a nice way of saying ‘we don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with you.’
“So I can’t get pregnant?” I’d asked the doctor, almost in tears.
“No, no, nothing like that,” he’d assured me. “These results don’t mean anything.”
“Then why did I even take the test?” I snapped, letting out a hysterical half-laugh. I remember Doctor Hill’s face, all compassionate and understanding. It was borderline maddening. If he’d shown pity I might’ve grabbed something off his desk, right then and there. Fired it full-speed into the collage of proud parents and happy babies on the wall behind him.
“You took the test so we could get to the next step,” he’d told me.
“Which is?”
“We need to do an HSG. It’s a simple dye test, to check the shape of your uterine cavity and fallopian tubes. And also…”
I lost him on all the rest. He might as well have been speaking gibberish. Anything and everything he said after that fell on deaf ears.
“You’ll make another appointment, Ms. Madsen. That’s all. We can do the test quickly, so we can rule out—”
I left. I just got up and left. I didn’t see his face, or his reaction, or anything like that. I’d just gotten up…
… and walked out.
In retrospect it was probably stupid, not hearing what he had to say. And even stupider not bringing one or more of the guys with me. Yet it was something I’d wanted to face alone. To either feel the relief myself… or face the reality that I might have legitimate fertility problems.
I looked down, and my feet were a blur. I was running so fast I was in danger of falling, and for the first time I was actually frightened. I tried stopping, but my legs wouldn’t listen. It took another dozen or more precarious strides before I finally brought my body to a full stop.
My chest was heaving. For the first time in a long while, I was actually gasping for breath.
Forget about yourself, Sammara.
I sank to my knees on someone’s lawn. The grass felt cool, the ground soft.
You have to stay strong for them. For Jason…
I lowered my forehead to the ground, feeling the coolness of the morning dew against my skin.
And now for Dakota.
My world was all green and blue, and spinning in circles. I wanted to immerse myself in the past. Go back to the happiness of last night.
You’re stronger than this Sammara! Act like it.
I was. I really was. But right now, at this moment… I didn’t feel that way.
I closed my eyes…
And everything turned to black.
Sixteen
SAMMARA
I ran often over the next few weeks, bundling up against the cold. November was especially chilly, probably in retribution of the Indian summer, to the point where it bit at my lungs every time I took too deep a breath.
I didn’t care, though. As much as it cleared my head, the exercise was therapeutic. It kept me from obsessing over certain things. It was a welcome distraction.
Kyle and Ryan were good at that too. They kept me busy as the holidays grew closer, taking me to all new places and even an overnight weekend or two. We always had fun together, and most of the time we could drive away the specter of our missing friends.
Yet without Jason or Dakota, the house felt hollow and empty. We played music a lot and kept the fireplace roaring, but their absence was still felt — especially when the sun went down. When I did think about them, I tried to keep it positive. I limited my thoughts to what I loved most about them, and how they each held a unique place in my heart.
I missed Jason’s confidence and swagger. The way he swept me off my feet with abrupt, impromptu dates and surprise trips to the rifle range. And of course I missed Dakota’s sense of humor and smile. The way he could brighten even the shittiest day with his broad, boyish grin. The way he could hug me — somehow without crushing me — into his warm, gargantuan chest.
The only good thing about having just two guys in the house was that I slept with them every night. Kyle and Ryan basically shared my bed, spooning their sexy, half-clothed bodies against me from either side. Sometimes they’d even wake me in the dead of night, only to slip between my legs and make love to me while the other slept. And other times…
Other times they took me together. Pinning me between their two hard bodies… rocking me back and forth between them. Bringing me to the ecstatic delirium of my own orgasm before erupting inside me.
Thanksgiving came, and we promptly burned the turkey. Kyle soundly declared that ‘turkey sucks!’ in general, then launched into a long tirade about no matter how you cooked it the meat was always dry. We ended up at a Turkish restaurant of all places, eating the most delicious kabobs and big platters of fluffy, spicy rice. We drank wine and laughed and toasted our absent friends, and not a single one of us missed having a traditional feast.
It was the best non-Thanksgiving I’d ever had.
But as the days dragged on, I could tell even the guys were worried. No one had heard anything from Jason in two months, and nothing from Dakota as well.
“I’ll admit it’s strange,” said Kyle one night, playing absently with my hair as I lay in his lap. “But we’re still not worried. Yet…”
I sat up. “What would it take for you to worry?”
He sat there silently, as if trying to decide what to say. In the end he didn’t have an answer.
“Well I’m worried,” I told him. “Worried sick.”
By now, I could tell they’d expected to hear from him. They’d expected some kind of word at least, even if it was from other members of Di Spatia.
In the end there was nothing I could do, so I did my best not to think about it. The foundation for the first of three new construction projects had been poured, and the concrete cured. I saw the main floor’s deck go up. Then the studs. It was all so exciting, seeing such an amazing, vintage home being fleshed out in modern times. The skeleton of a house that would’ve been constructed two centuries ago or more, fresh and new and right before my eyes.
I was busy after that, meeting with sub-contractors and building inspectors. Additional permits were required. Soil analysis and septic tanks and meetings with HVAC technicians to discuss how to best hide the mechanicals. It was all so new to me. I’d been staging homes and decorating them — the ‘fun part’ as the guys liked to call it. But now I was down to the very marrow of things, getting my hands dirty. Making mistakes and learning from them and taking tons of notes so I could streamline the process for next time.
Money was tight. The loans I’d secured had to last through three projects, and I was only working on one. It was tempting to just go for broke and spend whatever I needed without haggling or looking for a lower price on things. But that’s exactly what I did. It was tedious and time-consuming, but I met good people and made valuable contacts I’d be able to use in future builds.
And of course, I checked in on Cindy. Often at first, but then less and less frequently as I realized she really did have things under control. She got the raise she wanted, and then some. And she was happy. And it made me happy that she was happy.
Everything was going relatively well until that cold December morning I woke up alone. The bed wasn’t even warm. I rushed downstairs to find Kyle and Ryan already dressed, looking back at me somberly.
“W—What is it?”
“We heard from Troy last night,” said Kyle. “One of the officers over there running the company.”
My heart leapt into my throat.
“Briggs — err, Jason has gone missing.”
A coldness stole over me. Like my body was slowly being immersed in ice water. I noticed two big green packs on th
e kitchen floor, one beside each of them.
“When?”
“Ten days ago. Maybe more.”
“It’s hard to say,” Ryan added. “The sat-phones don’t always work in the field. Especially near the mountains, and, well…”
His voice trailed off into nothingness. The house was so silent we could hear the slow tick-tock of the grandfather clock out in the foyer.
“We’re going out there to get him,” said Kyle. He eyed me with a hard, pointed look. “And I don’t want to hear anything about you trying to stop us.”
“Stop you? Are you kidding?” I rushed forward frantically. “I’m coming with you!”
Seventeen
KYLE
“Not a chance,” I said sternly. “It’s not even an option.”
Sammara’s expression was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. There was worry in her face, but also a mixture of indignation and determination. Coupled in with how bedraggled she was, it made for a very odd look.
“I’m not sitting back while—”
“He’s absolutely right,” said Ryan. “No way, no how. And I’m not just saying this ‘to keep you safe’, either. I’m saying it for the safety of Jason. And us.”
I was relieved he’d jumped in. Sammara was impetuous. Headstrong. Going one-on-one with our fiery fiancé was never an easy thing.
“You won’t want to hear this,” I said, “but you’d be a liability.”
“Liability?” she asked incredulously. “Have you seen me shoot—”
“It’s got nothing to do with your lack of training,” Ryan cut her off. “Sammara, look at you! A blonde haired, blue eyed, fair skinned woman? In the part of the world we’re going you’d stick out like a sore thumb.”
She opened her mouth again, but this time she closed it without saying anything. I could see she understood. It was in her posture. The way all the challenge went out of her shoulders.
“We all want the same thing,” I said. “To bring Jason back safely. And we’ll do that, Ryan and I, with the help of Troy and Everman and whoever else. Hell, I don’t care if we have to abandon the contract and drag the whole damned company into the desert. We have his last known location, and—”
“Go.”
The word was hard for her to say. I could see it in her eyes. But she said it commandingly. Forcefully.
“Go,” Sammara repeated. “You’re already wasting time.”
I let out a big, relieved sigh. This was the girl we fell in love with. The girl we all intended to marry.
All of us. Together.
“Thanks for understanding,” I said needlessly. “And Sammara, listen to me…”
I walked over and put my arms on her shoulders. I could see she was fighting back tears, trying to be brave.
“We’re bringing him back.”
She nodded and sniffed. I hugged her tightly, and then Ryan was there too.
“We’re going to be in close contact with you,” he said reassuringly. “Phone calls. Relayed messages. Whatever it takes to stay in touch with you, and keep you fully in the loop. Doesn’t matter if I have to slap a GATR pack on a Hummer and drive around the desert for hours until I locate an uplink. I’ll find a spot to get word out to you, so that you’re never alone.”
A single tear ran down her cheek. But now she was smiling, even through the pain.
“You promise?”
“I swear it on everything,” Ryan said gravely. “There’s no possible way we’re leaving you in the dark.”
It was awful really, to think about her being alone. To leave her here in this big old house, right before the holidays, with no one to hold her. No one to keep her spirits up. No one keep her warm at night.
But if anyone could endure it, it would be Sammara.
“Find him,” she said at last. Bending down, she picked up our rucksacks and handed them to us. Though they were heavy, she didn’t even struggle. “Find him and bring him home, and don’t spend a single minute worrying about what I’m doing.” She shook her head. ‘That’s bullshit you don’t need. I want you focused solely on Jason. Understood?”
“Yes ma’am,” said Ryan. He gave up the best smile he could under the circumstances, then swept her in and kissed her. It was more than just the kiss of a soldier going to war. The intensity went well beyond that.
“And you…” she said, turning toward me. “Keep him in line.” She jerked a thumb at Ryan. “Don’t let him do anything crazy or stupid, like run a tank over a minefield or shit like that.”
I laughed. Ryan actually was rated to drive the M2A2, and had done it in more than a few of our campaigns together. Maybe she even knew that. I wasn’t sure.
“I’ll do my best,” I promised. “Although in all honestly, can anyone really control this maniac?”
I elbowed Ryan to break the tension. Then Sammara threw arms over my shoulders and kissed me long and hard.
Damn…
It was a hot kiss. A steamy, sweltering kiss that stirred something immediately, just beneath my belt. Her lips eventually parted from mine, and her eyes held the unspoken promise of something more… something really good… as soon as we got back.
“I love you both,” she smiled, keeping her game face on. She kept that face all the way outside, until I winked at her just before pulling away.
“See you in a bit, my ivory princess.”
Eighteen
SAMMARA
If the house seemed empty without Jason and Dakota home, it was positively abandoned now. I spent a lot of time walking its lonesome, ancient halls. Reflecting on the myriad of things that had happened there, both between the five of us and the countless generations of people who’d lived and breathed before me.
Still, the house’s history did nothing to keep my company. I started each day early, marveling at how quiet the kitchen could be without all the morning chatter — the fun, funny banter between the guys, and myself. The sights and smells of breakfast, which I started skipping because I simply didn’t feel like cooking for one.
Each night I went back to the empty house and went through the same routine. First I engaged the alarm, which was equipped now with is own outside power source ever since the last time it failed. Next, I turned on just about every light in the house, regardless of whether I’d be using the room or not. If it was even a little bit cold, which it almost always was, I lit a nice big fire. And last of all I slept with my door locked… and the Sig Sauer XM17 pistol Jason had given me tucked securely under my pillow.
As lonely as I was, I got a lot done. I ate on the road, moving constantly between the main construction site, the new lots, and the main office. Cindy was happy to see me, and it felt like old times while I was there. She might not fully understand what I was going through, but she knew enough of my situation to know the guys were away on what I referred to as ‘assignment’.
“You can always stay with me,” she hinted with a smile. “If you can stand the noise of commuter trains rocking the apartment walls every forty-five minutes on the hour.”
I smiled politely and told her I’d think about it, even though I knew I never would. The same went for Melissa’s invitation, who was a little more demanding in insisting I stay with her and her husband. But that wasn’t going to happen, because I didn’t want to impose.
“C’mon,” she jabbed. “I stayed with you the last time you were alone!”
“For a few measly days,” I jabbed back. “But not on the day.”
The day I was referring to, of course, was the same day Markus Ladrone’s right-hand man broke in through our front door. Had one of my lovers not been monitoring the house and looking out for it, the man I knew only as ‘Daniels’ might’ve gotten the best of me. Instead, he’d been driven off in a bloody knife-fight, saving me in the process.
And that was the night I got to meet the fourth great love of my life, Jason Briggs.
“Fine, I’ll be there Friday,” said Melissa with a sigh. “This time you get the popcorn, and I pick
out the movies.”
I started to tell her not to bother, but I really wanted the company. Even if it was just for a night or two, it would definitely raise my spirits. I’d have to get her husband something this time around, though. Maybe send him a gift, a way of thanks for letting me borrow his wife.
The following days found me in a much better mood. Partially because I was looking forward to Friday, but also because I’d heard from Kyle. He and Ryan had arrived safely at their destination, and were putting together a search and rescue team immediately. He didn’t offer any additional information — not over the unsecured sat-phone anyway — and I was smart enough not to ask.
Finally the week ended, and I was ecstatic about having Melissa as a visitor. I realized the house was virtually devoid of food, so I stopped at the supermarket to stock up on snacks. Maybe even a few baking products too, in case we decided to whip up something sweet.
I was deep in aisle three, picking through four different brands of evaporated milk, when I looked up… and my breath caught in my throat.
It was Dawn.
Nineteen
SAMMARA
My first instinct was to back away, to hide or get out of there before she saw me. Then I thought: what the hell am I hiding from? and went right back to picking out what I needed… while keeping her perfectly centered in the field of my peripheral vision.
She looked like shit. That was the first thing I noticed when looking at her. Drawn and haggard and much thinner than when I’d last seen her three years ago, she looked like she just rolled out of bed… and wasn’t getting much sleep to begin with.
I searched my feelings… and what I found was surprising. All the anger and resentment I’d felt back then? I couldn’t find it anymore. It was almost like it had drained away when I wasn’t looking, completely dissipated in the wake of our bitter ending. An ending, I reminded myself, in which I’d ultimately gotten the better of her… by a LOT.