by Amelia Wilde
“What do you mean?”
“He left me a note and he wants my number.”
“Okaaay… so what’s the problem?”
I do my business quickly while holding the phone in the crook of my neck.
“The problem is that I’m mortified. I have no idea what happened last night and what I might have said.” I glance at myself while I’m washing my hands. “I just saw myself in the mirror. I am such a hot mess right now.”
Make-up is smeared down my face and I have dark circles under my eyes. My pallor is that of a corpse that’s been rotting for a few days and my hair is matted in several places. I’d pass as an extra on the set of The Walking Dead.
Jesus, how much did I drink?
“Then just leave.”
“I can do that?”
“You can do what you want. I don’t give a guy my digits if he was a shitty lay. I’m out of there before he wakes up.” I hear the deep voice of a guy in the background but can’t make out what he’s saying. “You do that thing with your tongue again and I’ll give you my email address, too.”
“I’m going to assume you were talking to whatever man is currently naked in bed with you and not me,” I deadpan.
“He’s not totally naked. We’ve been having fun with Nutella.” She giggles.
“Can we get back to my problem, please?” I lean my ass against the counter so my back is to the mirror since I have zero interest in seeing how in shambles I am right now.
“Just bail. Grab your shit and get the hell outta Dodge.”
“It’s not rude to do that?” I chew on the end of my finger.
“Who cares? You’re never going to see this guy again.”
“You’re right. Okay, I’ve got to run before he shows back up.”
“Go get your stride of pride on and call me later.”
I set about gathering my clothes from the apartment. Apparently, I must’ve had a wild time removing them last night because I find my shirt in the living room. Which is really nice, by the way, with a cream area rug set over the hardwood floors. A fireplace with built-ins on either side lends a cozy feeling to the space and if I weren’t so afraid of falling asleep and being here when he got back, I’d totally sink into the large brown sofa and make it my bitch.
But I digress. My pants are in Cole’s bedroom and I find one of my shoes by the front door and the other one I remember spotting in the bathroom. Now I just need to find my purse so I can race from the scene of the crime.
Again, I try to remember anything from my time here last night and I come up blank. I search around frantically, feeling as if there’s some giant clock ticking down my impending doom in the background.
Oh, wait. There is. When I get to the kitchen I realize he actually does have a giant clock on the one wall, whose second hand is adding to the drama going on inside my head.
There. My purse sits on the counter and relief floods through me. I hurry over to it and search its depths for my wallet, wanting to know whether I have any cash left for public transit. After the amount of money I’m sure I spent at the bar last night, I need to pinch pennies. If I have no cash on me, I’ll be forced to use Uber.
I shift a bunch of stuff around and don’t see it. Shit. Did I lose my wallet last night? A shot of adrenaline surges, not at all helping my already queasy stomach.
I knew I should have never bought that maroon wallet. Something bright or neon would be easier to find in this cavernous purse. Tahlia and Lennon are always making fun of how heavy my bag is. What can I say? I like to be prepared.
Frustrated at how long this is taking, I start moving things out of my purse and onto the kitchen counter. My hand sanitizer, lipstick, and notebook are the first to go. Then my bottle of water, tampons, and the vibrator Lennon gave me the other night. I roll my eyes to myself as I set it on the cool granite. Does she really expect me to use that thing and report back to her? Next goes my face powder, small brush, and then finally my hand closes around my wallet.
“Yay!” I cheer to myself. I unzip it and see that it still has almost as much cash as when I left my grandparents’ house last night.
Did I not pay my tab? I inwardly groan, but there’s nothing to be done about it now. Because I am absolutely, definitely, never ever seeing Cole again. I pray that whatever tab I ran up last night doesn’t come out of his paycheck.
Shaking my head to myself, I grab everything and quickly shove it back into my purse, more than ready to make my departure.
With swift strides I reach the door and don’t bother looking back as I march out of there, trying to keep what little pride I have left intact.
Turns out Cole lives on the top floor of a converted Victorian.
Since I’m not exactly sure where I am, I do the walk of shame to the nearest street corner to read the street names and get my bearings. Luckily when I see the crossroads I know where I am and if I walk a couple of blocks up, I’ll be able to take the bus to my grandparents’ house without transferring.
I say a small thank you to the universe that it’s autumn, since fall in San Francisco means the temperature isn’t a thousand and one degrees. The walk to the bus stop nearly does me in and if it was crazy hot on top of that the coroner would be outlining my body on the side of the road.
My head is still pounding, but thankfully there’s no one else sitting on the bench, and so I plop down with my purse on my lap. Hopefully, the bus will be here soon. I reach in to retrieve my wallet so I can count out my fare and of course it’s somehow wedged its way to the bottom of my bag again.
With a big sigh, I start hunting.
I find my wallet easily this time, but what I don’t come upon is the bright pink sex toy Lennon gave me the other night. Where the hell is that thing? She’ll kill me if I lose it. I search for another minute and come up empty. Wait…
No.
No!
There’s no one there to witness it, but heat seeps into my cheeks as mortification sets in.
Fuck. Me.
I put the vibrator back in my purse after I found my wallet at Cole’s house, right?
I frantically shuffle all the items around inside my purse then lay them out beside each other on the bus bench until my purse is empty. Still no vibrator.
A middle-aged man arrives at that moment, eyes me skeptically, and chooses to wait for the bus a few feet away rather than approach me. Can’t say I blame him.
I sink to my knees in front of the bench. “This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening!” I push my hands through my hair as I rock back and forth, having my mini-breakdown.
I may or may not have had a one-night stand with a guy who could be a model, I have no idea what transpired but I know it likely wasn’t my finest moment, and now I’ve left a sex toy on his kitchen counter.
Someone toss me a shovel so I can dig a hole and never come out.
“Are you okay, miss?” the man waiting for the bus says, though I notice he doesn’t dare to take a step closer to me.
I start shoving everything back into my purse once again. “Sure. I’ll be fine. Apparently, you can’t actually die from embarrassment.”
He nods, but says nothing and turns his attention back to the street. I’m sure he’s willing the bus to come so he can get away from the crazy lady on the bench.
Sulking, I sit back down with my purse in my lap.
Yep. As much as I’d like a second round that I can remember with Cole, I will never, ever, under any circumstances be seeing him again.
5
After I unlock the door to my grandparents’ place, I twist the handle and open it as slowly and quietly as possible, hoping I can slip in unnoticed and pretend that I’ve been here all night. Instead of silence, I’m met with three short yips of a dog.
What the hell?
I pause for a second, wondering if I’m hearing things because my grandparents didn’t own a dog the entire time I was growing up and they don’t own one now.
But t
here it is again. Barking that tells me there’s definitely a dog somewhere in the house. I push the door all the way open and as soon as my foot hits the hardwood flooring of the entryway, I’m assaulted by one foot of fur ball.
One look at this dog and I can tell he’s trouble. He’s barking excitedly and bouncing up and down as if I have a raw steak shoved in my pocket. He stops his incessant barking for a second and his tongue hangs out to the side, his short tail flapping back and forth.
My grandma, Edna, appears from the back of the house, smiling like there isn’t some deranged animal in our midst and I’m not coming in looking like I’ve been turning tricks down on Polk Street all night. “I see you’ve met Sparky.” I look up at her in confusion. “Your grandpa and I agreed to house the dogs that the local shelter has no room for. Just until they can find owners for them. Sparky arrived here this morning.”
She bends down to pet the mutt, but he turns toward her and growls before she can get close enough to put her hands on him. My grandma just smiles. Then Sparky turns his head at an angle and looks at me again like he’s expecting me to do something.
I simply stare at the five pounds of fur at my feet.
“I think he likes you.” I can hear the smile in my grandma’s voice.
Ignoring her comment, I say, “How come I didn’t know you were helping the shelter out?”
“I never mentioned it?”
“Um… no.” I look over at her and she smiles again and shrugs.
“A friend of a friend introduced me to the shelter’s owner and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, we had a rotating door of dogs coming in and out of the house.” She laughs as if it’s the most amusing thing in the world.
I glance down at the little powder puff. “How long is he here for?”
“That all depends on how long it takes someone to adopt him. Penny, the lady who runs the shelter, she said he doesn’t take to many people. Though it seems he’s rather fascinated with you.” She chuckles and a small smile creeps onto my face.
Figures that the only male interested in me would be of the four-legged variety. Considering what happened with my last fling, that’s probably a good thing.
I ignore Sparky’s pleading expression—I swear the corners of his eyes and mouth are tugging down now—and I look back over at my grandma.
“How’s job-hunting going?”
I feel the weight of anxiety settle in over me and I do my best to push it away. “Not well. I applied to a bunch of places, but none of the jobs were really in my field.”
She reaches out and pats my cheek the way she has since I was a little girl. “Not to worry. You’re a smart girl. I know you’ll find something.”
I place my hand over hers and smile. “Thanks, Grandma. And thanks again for letting me stay here until I’m on my feet.”
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need to.” A soft smile spreads across her face.
I lean in and kiss her cheek. I’m so lucky to have her.
“I was just about to make some breakfast. Your grandpa is out on the balcony. Why don’t you join him and you can eat with us?”
As much as I enjoy spending time with my grandparents, I need some recovery time. After spending the day before applying to menial jobs I’m way overqualified for, unpacking all my worldly belongings at my grandparents’ house, and maybe or maybe not fooling around with a stranger, I feel like I’m on a bus with a one-way ticket to Loserville.
All I really feel like doing is wallowing in misery in my bed. Alone.
“Thanks, Grandma, but I think I’m just going to go lie down.”
“I remember what it was like to be your age.” She chuckles. “You go nurse that hangover.”
I grimace and she turns and shuffles her way to the kitchen, still laughing to herself over some memory our conversation has reminded her of. I hadn’t realized it when I first arrived, but her gait is much more that of an elderly person’s than I remember from the last time I visited.
I store that knowledge in my memory bank to pull out and examine at a later date and head upstairs.
I quickly change into my LuLaRoe leggings and an oversized t-shirt and then dig my phone out of my purse to see that I’ve missed some texts in the group chat I have going on with Lennon and Tahlia.
Lennon: You would not believe the cock on that guy from last night. I’m telling you Tinder is a fucking goldmine of monster cock.
Tahlia: You need some serious help.
Lennon: Puh-lease. Tell that to me when you’ve been banging Chase for twenty years.
Tahlia: Hey!
Lennon: You know I’m kidding. You’ll live HEA and ride off into the sunset. I just prefer to ride. Period.
Tahlia: Don’t we all know it.
Lennon: So Tahl, ask Whit what she did last night. LMAO
Tahlia: OMG what’s going on?
Tahlia: Hello!? Someone tell me!
Tahlia: Whit what gives?
I chuckle and shake my head at their back and forth. My friends are an endless source of entertainment. Plopping back onto my bed, I stretch out to type my reply.
Me: Hey, just seeing this. I’m with Tahl though. You need help. :P
Lennon: Whatevs. Tell Tahl where you called me from this morning.
Tahlia: Yes! Tell me!!!
Me: I went home with some guy but I can’t exactly remember what happened because I was too drunk.
Tahlia: OMFG!
Lennon: First you mess around with your boss. Then you’re having one-night stands. My little girl is growing up. *sniff* I knew you weren’t as innocent as you seem.
In my current mood, I don’t need to be reminded of the indiscretion that ultimately led to losing my job. But knowing Lennon, I know she doesn’t mean it as an insult.
Tahlia: Low blow, girl.
Lennon: Are you kidding me? I respect the shit outta that! Take it when and where you want it.
Me: Yeah, just sucks when he decides to fire you instead of bang you. LOL
Tahlia: His loss.
Lennon: Damn straight.
Tahlia: You have to fill me in on all the details the next time I see you!
Me: For sure. Listen girls I really need to go rest now.
Tahlia: K, chat later.
Lennon: Later, ho.
I let my phone fall from my fingers onto the mattress. I don’t really want to relive another way I’ve let myself down, so I’ll be avoiding that conversation with Tahl for as long as possible.
The fresh start I was hoping for is beginning to lose some of its lustre.
6
“I cannot believe you lost my vibrator!” Lennon whisper-shouts as we enter the restaurant, Bliss, one of the Webber family’s many holdings.
“I’m sorry. It was a complete accident.” I smooth down the front of my dress and take in the upscale room full of upscale people. Tahlia says they’ve closed the place for the night so that Chase’s parents can host the engagement party.
“How do you lose a vibrator by accident?” she asks as we pass the coat check girl our jackets.
“It’s a long story. I’ll have to tell you later.”
I finally came clean with her. Well, partly. I haven’t exactly told her how I lost it. A few weeks have passed since she gave it to me and she’s been harassing me wanting to know what I thought of its ‘performance’. I figured the best time to tell her was when she couldn’t ask me too many follow-up questions. Surely even Lennon wouldn’t go Bruce Lee on my ass and embarrass Tahlia in front of all of San Francisco’s elite.
I’ll be honest. Most of the people here are not my kind of people. We’re not a part of the same tribe. At all. They’re all dressed in designer duds that cost more than a month’s rent—which in San Francisco is a shit ton—and my dress came off the rack at Target. While they assume the world will bend to their will, I’m more than aware that life isn’t fair.
Tahlia’s parents have never been anything other than outwardly cordial to me, but I know if
they could choose, they’d have had her be besties with one of the daughters of their country-club buddies.
That’s not to say that I don’t like Chase. I like him enough, I suppose. Though it was a different story when he and Tahlia first got together, he’s grown on me and my friend is happy, so who am I to say who she should marry?
The Webber family is well regarded in the Bay area, though I never really could understand why. They’re constantly buying up and shutting down low-rent buildings to build high-end real estate. To me, they prey upon the little guys in order to stuff their pockets and I have zero respect for that. Still, I can grin and bear it for an evening if it means it’ll make Tahl happy.
“I can’t wait to hear this story,” Lennon says. We step away from the coat check and look around for our girl. “Did you lose it up your hooha?”
I turn to face her. “My what?”
“Your hooha. You know, your va-jay-jay? Your C-U-next-Tuesday…”
I roll my eyes and smile as I see Tahlia and Chase approaching.
“There’s my girls!” Tahl says, embracing us each in a quick hug before pulling back to take us in. She looks gorgeous in a champagne-colored dress that hits just above her knee. She’s left her blond locks down with large curls in them. “You both look beautiful. Don’t they look beautiful, Chase?” She turns to look at her fiancé.
Chase stands behind Tahl and places his hands on both her shoulders, squeezing. “You ladies look lovely as always.”
“Congratulations, Chase. I haven’t seen you since I heard the big news.”
“Yeah, congrats,” Lennon adds.
“Thank you. I’m a lucky man.” Tahlia turns her head to the side, and they lock gazes for a moment. It’s apparent how much they care for one another. I ignore the little stab of envy in my chest.
“Where’s your mom?” Lennon asks. “You know I love torturing her. I plan to sidle up to her and strike up a conversation as soon as the mayor makes his way over to her.”