by Cole Lepley
I shake my head. “I don’t want you to be upset. I hate that you’re so mad at me.”
He laughs again. “Mad at you?” He pushes off the railing. “Why do you keep thinking I’m mad at you like we’re having some kind of fight?” He pulls his hand into his chest. “You broke my fucking heart, Elliot. I’m not mad at you.” He takes a shaky breath. “I fucking miss you.”
I lose my air again. Hearing him say those words hurts so much worse than I ever thought it could. “I’m sorry,” I say, my voice small. It’s a pathetic response, but it’s all I have. I really am sorry, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. We both knew the risk we were taking at the beginning of the year. It was a 50/50 shot this would all end in heartbreak.
Judah blows out a long breath and then runs his hand roughly over his hair. “It’s not your fault.”
I don’t have a response for that. Yes, I feel guilty that he found out about Hunter the way that he did, but what did he expect?
Even so, I still feel the need to comfort him. It’s weird seeing Judah so emotional. “We are still going to be a part of each other’s lives,” I say, my voice softer. I place my hand on his arm, and he meets my eyes. “I know it won’t be in the way we planned, but I can’t lose you completely. You were my first everything. All of my best memories have you in them.”
He sniffs, lowering his eyes from me. “I just feel so bad about the way I acted. I’m still acting like a dick because I’m so angry with myself.”
“Hey,” I say, shaking his arm. He still won’t look at me, so I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him. I can’t take the look on his face anymore anyway.
He hugs me back tighter than I expect. When his body starts to silently shake, I rub my hand up and down his back gently, no longer feeling the cold in the air. This kind of emotion from a guy like him is still troubling to me. Any male influence I’ve seen firsthand has come off stone-faced and detached. They don’t discuss their feelings in a way that makes it acceptable to have them. That’s why I’ve always tried so hard not to—until now that is. Now it’s all I ever feel, and sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by it I can hardly breathe.
When the back door opens suddenly, he pulls back from me and discreetly wipes his eyes with his sleeve. Oliver strolls onto the porch in his puffer jacket and snow pants. He grins at Judah.
“You ready to take the sleds for a rip?” He motions over to the garages, and his grin widens. “The new racing motor I just had installed is sick.”
Judah’s face is back to being passive. All traces of his inner torment are safely hidden away from anyone who could possibly judge him for it. “Sounds cool.”
Oliver clenches his fist in excitement. “Fucking right.” He tosses his truck keys to me. “Take this and be prepared for search and rescue if I call.”
He gives a stern look, but I just laugh. The guys do this every year after dinner and one of them always get stuck or breaks down. It usually leaves me all alone at the cabin while I wait for them to bail themselves out, but this year I have a feeling Hunter will be staying with me.
I think Judah knows because I see the muscle in his jaw working. I’m glad Ollie is so close with him, but I can’t imagine he’s a comforting shoulder to lean on. That’s why Judah always acts like he doesn’t give a shit when he’s around.
“Let’s go,” Ollie says, nodding to the door again. “I got a thirty-pack stuffed behind the seat.”
I narrow my eyes and then grip the front of his jacket. “Be careful.”
He winks at me. “Always.”
Judah walks past me and nudges my shoulder on his way by. “Later, Elle.”
I watch them walk off of the porch and over to the garages. It doesn’t go longer than a minute before Hunter steps out behind me. When I turn to face him, it takes everything inside of me not to throw my arms around him and kiss him. Despite the awkward conversations I seemed to be having all night, he’s been at the front of my mind the entire time.
He smiles at me and it’s like all of the tension surrounding this evening starts to break away at once. His hand discreetly finds mine, and he laces our fingers together. He squeezes them and then lets them go all too soon. “You ready to get out of here?”
It’s my turn to smile. “You have no idea.”
The cabin is modest compared to the rest of our properties. My parents rarely come up here, and Ollie only uses it when he’s too drunk to drive home from the lodge. For me, it has everything we need. A large stone fireplace in the center of the room with sectional couches, two bedrooms downstairs, and spacious loft upstairs complete with its own bathroom. Personally, I’d rather live here than our main house. It’s less cold and more like a home.
Hunter comes in the side door carrying a large armful of wood just as I’m pouring a glass of wine. I need a drink after the intense evening. Holidays are usually filled with some type of drama, but I’ve never had it directed toward me before. That’s usually Ollie’s job.
Even though I want to move on from all of it and enjoy the rest of the evening, I know I need to say something. I could see the look on Hunter’s face when my father was talking about me and Judah.
I sit down on the couch and pull the knit blanket across my lap. Hunter was disappointed when I changed out of my dress and into a sweater and jeans, but the look he gives when he puts the wood down sets me on fire. He crosses the room toward me and kisses my lips once before lifting the blanket and sliding in beside me. His arm snakes around my waist, and he brings me as close to him as I can get. I snuggle into him and sigh. This feels perfect.
The flames flicker in front of us while his hand rubs slowly up and down my arm. I tilt my head so I can look into his eyes, unable to stand it any longer.
“I’m sorry about my dad.”
He looks down and smiles before facing forward again. It’s a front to cover up the look he has on his face now. “I’m fine.”
I sigh again. “He’s very into appearances. It had nothing to do with any type of love I have for Judah.”
Hunter laughs. “I figured that.” He tilts his head down to me. “Honestly, I’d be upset if he wasn’t that way.” He kisses the tip of my nose and then sits up straighter. “What father wouldn’t want their daughter to be with someone like that? Good name, excellent career—he can take care of you.”
This causes me to sit up straight. I run a hand through my hair and brush it behind my shoulders. “Hunter, you have all of those qualities, too.” He scoffs, but I keep going. “No, you have a good job and despite the shitty life you were given, you rose above it. You didn’t go down a shady path even though you had every right to not care about being a good person.”
He tries to look away from me, but I grab his face with both of my hands. “You’re a good person.” I kiss him once and pull back slightly. “—and I love you so much. Nothing else matters to me.”
His eyes go darker and he lifts me onto his lap to straddle him. He grips my ass hard, pulling me flush against him. My hands drape around his neck, and I press my lips to his. He swipes his tongue inside my mouth and then pulls back.
“This right now,” he says and then he tucks my hair behind my ear. He kisses me once more. “Is everything.”
I don’t respond with words. My lips crash onto his, our tongues tangling together as he lifts me up and lays me down on my back. He climbs on top of me, pushing my sweater up under my chin and gripping my breasts firmly in his hands.
My back arches in response, and he begins to kiss a trail down my stomach, stopping at the waistband of my jeans. With deft hands, he unbuttons my pants and then pull them down my legs. I’m nearly breathless while I watch him lick and suck his way back up my legs until he reaches my panties. He slips them to the side and his warm tongue swipes up my center. It doesn’t take long for me to be tugging his hair and clawing at his shoulders, begging for him to climb on top of me again.
He doesn’t make me suffer. His tongue swirls once more and then he sits up and pra
ctically tears the hoodie off his back and tosses it onto the floor. His belt buckles clangs next, joining the increasing pile of clothes next to the couch.
After placing a kiss onto my stomach, he slowly slides my panties down my legs before positioning himself above me. I take a sharp breath when he pushes inside of me.
Hunter is rougher when it comes to sex than I’m used to. I’m not sure if that’s due to his level of experience or the intensity that always seems to flow between us. It’s like a magnet when we’re alone. I want him to grab me and touch me everywhere he can get his hands on.
If it’s not the looks he gives that sear me, it’s the way he kisses me that feels like he can devour my entire soul. I’d gladly give it to him and all of my air if he never stopped. That’s how much I love him.
He continues to rock into me slow but hard at exactly the same time. I don’t hold on for long, feeling the pressure building so quickly that I can’t hold it in. I lean up in search of his lips, clutching the back of his neck and moaning my release into his mouth. His movements become faster for a moment. He gives one last forceful thrust and then pulls out to lay beside me.
His lips meet the side of my head and then he reaches down and pulls the blanket from the floor. The soft fabric encloses around us and he lays his head next mine, still breathing heavy.
He gently kisses the side of my head. “Best Christmas ever.”
His words make me smile, and I nuzzle further into his neck. I couldn’t agree more.
31
Case Of The Ex
The bonfire is in full blaze as I drive along the dirt path. I used to live for nights like these, but now all I want is to be cuddled up next to Hunter on the couch watching shitty reality TV. I guess it’s a small price to pay so that I can seem normal again.
Holden has a party on his parent’s property every weekend. Their hundred-acre farm has several old barns that they no longer use for horses. Now they serve the purpose of housing about a hundred drunken idiots, puking and spilling beer all over the place. I’m sure his parents are thrilled about the return on their investment.
As soon as I exit my car, I hear my name being called from over by the kegs. I flash a smile and wave as if I’m totally happy to be here right now. Poppy intercepts me before I’m halfway up the winding path that leads to the barn.
She throws her arms around my neck sloppily, spilling half her drink in the process. “Oh my god, Elliot,” she slurs. “I swear it’s been months since I’ve seen you out. You’re like a ghost, girl.”
I take a step back when she releases her death grip on me and force a smile. Even though Poppy and I used to be fairly close, I can’t remember the last time I actually had a full conversation with her. “I’ve been around,” I say as a plastic cup is handed to me by one of the guys manning the keg.
Poppy twirls a strand of hair around her finger and leans into me. I think her intention is to whisper, but she’s too lit to pull it off. “Did you see Cameron? She’s completely wasted already.” Her arm flings to her right, and sure enough, Cameron is stumbling around awfully close to the fire. It would be a shame if she tripped.
“It’s so sad the way she follows Dylan around,” she continues. “It’s obvious he’s still into you. I wouldn’t want to be the one someone dated after you.”
I laugh before taking a much needed drink. “We dated for like a month.”
“I know right?” She laughs and leans into me again. “I mean, look at Judah. You guys were together for like ever, and now he can barely function.”
“We’re fine now. We had a good talk, and I think he finally got some closure.”
Poppy snorts. “Um, have you seen him? That’s not exactly what I would say closure looked like.”
My eyes scan around the party until they find his. He’s standing just outside the barn, surrounded by our usual group, but he’s not smiling. He has that same blank, somewhat bored expression he’s been sporting since we broke up. My chest seizes up again, the guilt forever consuming me.
Poppy nudges me with her elbow. “See what I mean.”
I take a large sip of my drink so I don’t have to answer. Cameron takes this particular time to notice my presence and starts walking toward us. She stumbles on the knee-high boots she’s wearing, and I stifle an eyeroll. Why she would choose such inappropriate footwear to basically stand in a field is beyond me.
I force yet another smile when she stops beside me and flicks her hair over her shoulder. “I’m surprised you showed up.”
I’m suddenly finding it hard not to laugh. If this is a show of dominance, I’m not in the mood. So I choose to remain aloof. I shrug and then tilt my plastic cup to her.
“I told you I would.”
She gives a strained smile of her own. I can tell when Cameron is acting petty, and right now, she can barely stand herself.
A small circle forms around us, and the party moves in my direction. I can tell it bothers her that I’m already getting so much attention just by being here. I actually think it’s funny because I’m sure it has nothing to do with me at all. They don’t miss the fact I’ve been absent from their parties—they want the dirt on why.
Holden comes up beside me and throws his arm over my shoulder. He hugs me into his side. “You still mad at me, Elle?” He tilts his head down, sincerity in his eyes. “I really am sorry about the other day at lunch.”
His shaggy brown hair is sticking out from under his beanie, and he has that infectious grin on his face. I can’t help but smile back at him. We all used to be really close, and it’s hard being on the outside of it for once.
I hug him back. “No, I’m not mad anymore.”
“Good,” he says with another squeeze. He releases me, and I catch a glare from across the dirt lot.
Judah watches us for another minute and then starts walking over. I keep my eyes on his until Poppy nudges me. She leans into me and tucks a short strand of platinum hair behind her ear. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Who are taking to prom now?” My eyes widen a little, and she laughs. “I know it’s a couple months away, but it’s like a really big deal.”
Honestly, I forgot all about prom. It’s a moment I’ve been dreaming about since I was old enough to walk around in my mother’s heels. I always assumed it would be Judah, but now I have no clue. Maybe I won’t go at all.
I take another drink and shrug one shoulder. “I don’t know. Guess I didn’t really think about it.”
Judah’s quiet, sipping his beer and pretending not to stare in my direction. Holden’s eyes light up. “You can go with me, Elle. It would be fun.”
This causes a reaction. Judah reaches over and grips Holden’s shoulder—hard.
“Not happening,” he says, leaning down to his face.
Holden shrinks back. “I was just thinking we could go as friends.” He gives me an uneasy look. “You know, since you guys broke up and stuff.”
The curious eyes around us are becoming overwhelming again. This is the exact reason I’ve avoided this for so long. The answers to their questions aren’t easy and not something I can be honest about. I’m pretty sure Cameron is enjoying this. She has a smug smile on her face while clinging to Dylan off to the side.
Judah releases Holden and tilts back the rest of his beer. He throws the empty cup into the large metal can and turns back to face everyone. “She’s going with me.”
I work really hard to keep the stunned look off of my face. I’m about to ask him what in the hell he’s talking about when he winks at me, causing my eyebrows to pull in.
Poppy looks confused. She motions between us with her cup. “I thought you guys were done?”
I open my mouth to reply, but Judah beats me to it. “It’s complicated,” he says, stepping closer to me. He drapes his arm over my shoulder and tucks me into his side. “We’re working on it.”
Judah is demonstrating a different kind of dominance, and its effect on everyone is immediate. Us being apart is unnatural to them. It
disrupts some kind of balance in our world I’ll never understand.
Poppy lets out a squeal and slaps Cameron in the arm. “See, bitch. I told you they would be fine.” She gives me a megawatt smile and a sneer spreads across Cameron’s face.
Even though I’m incredibly confused, the fact Cameron is so bothered by all of this baffles me the most. I don’t get her intentions lately. It’s like she wants me to be miserable.
Judah is still pressed up against me, and I lean into him and pinch his side. “Can we talk for a minute?” I whisper.
He looks down to me and then nods with a sigh. We don’t offer any more explanation before turning away from them and walking down the dirt road away from the party. He holds my hand, and I wait until we’re out of earshot until I pull it away.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
He shoves his hands in his pockets and glances over my shoulder and then down to me, lowering his voice. “They’ll never believe your excuses for not being around anymore.”
“So?” I say, my level of irritation peaking. “I don’t owe them anything.”
“I never said you did, but I’m trying to help you.”
I laugh. “Help me?”
He nods, the sadness returning to his eyes. “They expect us to be together. If they think we are, then they won’t question it.”
I take an unsteady breath. “You don’t have to do that.”
Judah lowers his eyes and his throat bobs. “I know.”
He gets that look on his face again, and I can’t stand it. I step forward and place my hands on his arms. When he looks at me again, I shake my head. “You don’t. I started this and now I have to deal with whatever comes. It’s not your concern anymore.”
His brow furrows like I said something ridiculous. “Elle, you’re always my concern.” His hands fall to my waist, and he pulls me closer. “I know I fucked up, and I know that no matter what I do I can’t go back and make it right—but I have to try.”