by Bill Peschel
Arsene Lepine was about to roar with polite laughter, when a sturdy, plainly dressed individual entered the room, with half a dozen men of the same stamp in his rear.
“I’ve got to get out!” cried Lepine. “Au revoir, Soames! It’s that infernal scoundrel Animal! He does not even respect my digestion! We’ll have supper here tomorrow night—at 11:45!” he whispered, jumping aside and leaping towards the open windows. “Good night!”
He had already disappeared from sight, when a small sack came whizzing through the window and struck the sturdy leader of the six full in the face. There was a shower of confetti, and M. Animal let out a “Dame!” which made the diners jump. I ran up to him in affected annoyance.
“What’s the meaning 0f this, my man?” I asked, with the complete authority which my restaurant and his clothes and class gave me. “Have you mistaken the William the Silent Room for the luggage elevator?”
“I am Inspector Animal, of the Paris Police!” he answered.
“This happens to be New York! I am the maitre d’hotel here, and I object to persons of your appearance in my restaurant!”
“But I am accompanied by American police officers, and I wish to arrest Arsene Lepine!”
“Who?”
“Arsene Lepine! The French national thief!”
“You are cracked! National thief! Did he steal the nation, then?”
“I do not like your tone! . . . He threw this confetti at me as he passed through that window!”
“Ah, that is where it came from, is it! I was just wondering. Sapristi! Clear out of this! I will have you ejected! I will call Mr. Herlock Soames!”
“Monsieur Who?”
“M. Herlock Soames, of London!”
“He is not here?” exclaimed Animal, with incredulity.
“He is sitting at that table by the window! The gentleman reading the paper! Here, come along, get out! My other clients are beginning to be disturbed by your presence. That lady over there is disgusted. The gentleman is not her husband, so she feels nervous. Hurry up! Get out!”
Animal looked daggers at me, but he backed out of the center of the room, only to be struck in the face by a second bag of confetti!
“You saw that?” he yelled. “It hit me on the end of my nose!”
“Yes, and it looks red enough to burst!” I cried, irritably.
Indeed, several ladies and gentlemen were getting quite excited by the strange doings in their favorite restaurant. One lady, a charming brunette, was already showing signs of an early departure, though her dinner was as yet only half finished.
Animal made a rush towards the window, though I kept back his followers with my eye. When he was not a yard from the splendid curtains which veiled the restaurant from the street, a third bag of confetti broke on his inquisitive face. It had come through the limited opening with well-directed violence. With an oath he pitched himself through the window. I heard him cry out as he slipped and fell. His men were for dashing after him, but I motioned them to go out the door, and so around. In a minute I was the master of the room, with tranquillity restored. M. Soames beckoned to me.
“Did he get away?” he inquired, eagerly. “Did he escape?”
“Of course! Do you not know the official police well enough to know that they cannot arrest a man of brains and resource?”
“That is what I have always preached! It is the explanation for my enormous practice! If the official police were not so stupid there would be no need for me! Frankly, waiter, I find my work very easy! It brings me a large revenue, and Dr. Watts sees that I am suitably advertised! Advertisement is the thing, if you have ordinary brains to direct it! Through the genius of Watts, I am as well advertised as soap or pills! Without Watts, I should be a poor university man struggling to make a living by teaching chemistry and incidentally worrying my landlady with debt. As it is—as it is, I am Herlock Soames!”
He sighed audibly—some critics would have said loudly. For two minutes he gazed vacantly at the ornamented ceiling, then his concentration seemed to return with a sudden inrush of fresh blood, and the bright, eager sparkle came into his eyes once more. I was greatly impressed!
“Monsieur has solved all the most baffling mysteries of the last twenty years?” I ventured, deferentially.
“That is in fact the case!” he answered, lighting a cigarette, and adopting a reminiscent attitude. “I have been engaged in every important case which the police authorities could not deal with. I may add that the police have never been known to solve a problem without outside help and guidance. I am called an auxiliary, but in my absence, the imbeciles could do nothing! That is to say, failing the confession of the culprit or the assistance of other interested parties.”
“Do you mean to arrest Monsieur Lepine?”
“M. Lepine and I are friends,” he said, shortly. “Like Napoleon, I make opportunities! I should never arrest M. Lepine if he made the opportunity! I must make it myself, under sporting conditions, before I can take advantage 0f it. The celebrated instance of my meeting with Lepine at the Chateau de Thibermesnil should be remembered. I could give you many others. If we were not so often opposed to one another by our professional interests, Arsene and I would be inseparable friends on terms of affectionate intimacy. There comes that wretched official policeman from Paris, again! Heavens, he is making for me!”
“M. Soames!” cried Animal, joyously, unaccompanied by his band of assistants. “M. Herlock Soames! What a pleasure it is to discover a confrere, a friend, in New York!”
“Oh, a great pleasure! Entirely mine!” responded M. Soames, ironically.
“As usual I am hunting for Lepine! Have you heard of the latest theft? Mrs. Cuyler’s necklace? It is his work, of course!”
“You think so?”
“I am positive!”
“We all know how clever you are, Animal! If you say so, we must accept your opinion with respect!”
“No one could play the role of M. le Comte de Chenonceaux except a gentleman accustomed to the best society! No one would have played it but Lepine!”
“There are other gentlemen rascals in France?”
“It was Lepine, I say—I repeat, it was Arsene Lepine, and no one else!”
At this moment a new client with a light mustache and light hair entered the room and made for the table of M. Soames. As he got nearer, he began to smile.
“Why, Soames,” he commenced, in the voice of M. Lepine, “you have dear old Animal here. How absurd he looks in a restaurant like this, doesn’t he?”
Animal started to rise to his feet, but he at once sank into his chair on catching a glimpse of menace from M. Lepine.
“At last, I shall arrest you!”
“Not so quickly, friend Animal! At this minute, you are covered by my Smith and Wesson hammerless revolver, and I propose to fire on you at the expense of my trousers if you make the slightest hostile movement! You know, I could not resist a pleasant chat, after your exciting fall through the window, and I only waited for you to send your men away to return to the restaurant and hunt you up! I guessed that you would visit M. Soames!”
“A wonderful piece of deductive work.” said the mighty Herlock. “You already eclipse poor Watts in your methods!”
“If you attempt to take a seat, I shall arrest you!” shouted Animal, all his Gallic instincts rushing to the surface.
“You will do nothing of the kind, Animal. If you try on any tricks, it will cost you your highly respectable and middle-aged life! I came to talk, however, and not to frighten you!”
“Personally, I love talking,” put in M. Soames, “but it always seems a dreadful waste if Watts is not present! It is so much advertisement lost!”
Just then, there was a loud outcry, and I ran to see what was the matter. I had not got halfway across the room when I was met by Animal’s assistants, who came tearing into the place towards me with shouts and yells. Before I knew what was happening, they had seized me and thrown me down. I could hear the most frightful disturbance going
on in all quarters of the apartment. Ladies gave carefully modulated little shrieks for protection, gentlemen jumped to their feet, and I, I, Giovanni, was borne to the floor with the weight of a mountain on top of me! I could feel a combat raging on all sides, though principally on my stomach! My anguish was exquisite! My napkin was forced into my mouth, and I felt my strength ebbing! A great beast of a man knelt over, and I heard, “You’re Arsene Lepine! I arrest you!” in a voice 0f volcanic fury.
I struggled to speak: the gag silenced me, alas! It was a nerve-destroying moment! I fancied I was going to be killed, murdered in the name of the law! Ah! Ah! Aha! My hearing remained intact!
“Let him go, you idiots!”
The blessed words and the familiar voice sent fresh courage to my weakened nerve centers! It was M. Soames at last! A glint of determination shone in his eyes as he looked down upon me from his commanding height!
“Poor Giovanni!” he said, stooping and freeing me of the gag. “These fools took you for someone else! If Dr. Watts were only here, he could terrorize them with his old revolver! A fine, useful fellow, Watts. Without Watts, I find myself at a loss! For example, waiter, there is no one here to chronicle this strange happening, or to describe my heroic conduct in forcing back a body of police in order to rescue you from false imprisonment and the unpleasantness of a criminal prosecution! Watts, Watts,” he finished, raising his eyes to the ceiling, “why are you not by my side?”
As if in answer to this unrehearsed appeal, a strongly built middle-aged gentleman in traveling costume brushed his way through the police and smiled down at the great investigator.
“Soames!” he cried in his blunt, manly voice. “I arrive in time, it seems!”
“Another minute and you would have been too late, Watts,” whispered the magician. “Let me tell you that I have had to fight my way single-handed through an armed body of men, who had knocked down and maltreated this poor servant, an inoffensive Italian from Pisa. Life was nearly extinct when I removed this serviette from his mouth. You will note his labored breathing and the painful lacerations of the handcuffs? Your professional eye will detect at once that I arrived in the nick of time to prevent a grave miscarriage of justice!”
“I perceive it plainly, Soames! But you forget I have made you famous for such tight shaves!”
“You will also note, from the dilation of the pupils of the eyes, that this man, the waiter Giovanni, is still suffering from the most abject terror! He believed himself already dead! It is quite clear to the trained observer! With your own well-known powers of observation at your disposal, it is unnecessary for me to be too precise in the details. For instance, Giovanni has a well-nourished body, and it is not difficult to guess that he has made use of his opportunities in the best restaurants of the world. Of course, you saw this at a glance?”
“Certainly!” answered Dr. Watts. “I notice also that he has had a successful career in his sphere of activity!”
“By what process do you arrive at that?”
“It is simplicity itself!” laughed the doctor, pleased to take a rise out of his distinguished friend. “The stream of gold pieces which at this moment is pouring from his right trouser-pocket indicates a substantial state financially!”
“I think I have earned a fee, Watts, don’t you?”
“Most assuredly!”
“If it were not for these people in our immediate vicinity, I should help myself to the coins, for Italians are not ready payers, and I can foresee obstacles to the payment of my just due! It is most annoying! Could you not pocket a few, while I lean forward?”
“Impossible!” answered Dr. Watts. “Impossible! There is an impudent-looking man watching me with the utmost attention—what one may perhaps describe as cat-like attention! No, Soames, it is useless to attempt to collect the debt now!”
“But I tell you it is now or never!” continued the detective. “Do you understand me, or are you suffering from the after-affects of mal de mer?”
“It is true I have just landed from the Mauritania, but my generally sound constitution—I do not forget the results of my Afghan campaign—assisted by seven or eight well-advertised specifics for seasickness, has stood firm and impregnable! Soames, with the exception of certain imaginative symptoms, I got off very well indeed!”
“When Monsieur is ready to liberate me,” I interjected, “I shall be happy to regain my feet. Though the carpet is of the first quality, the idea of lying down in a restaurant is unpleasantly suggestive.”
“The man is right!” ventured Dr. Watts. “At least, subject to your approval, Soames, I think it is high time to set him free, particularly as you say he has done nothing!”
“Oh, nothing whatever! On the contrary, he has served me with several excellent dinners since I have been in New York!”
“Who was the handsome young man you were dining with—they told me about him in the office, before I came in to look you up.”
Soames raised his finger to his lips.
“When will you learn discretion, Watts! Though you have been my friend and assistant for many years, you will not learn the art of silence!”
“Here, gentlemen, if you will stand aside, I will unlock the handcuffs!”
A big Irish policeman in full uniform stepped out from the group and leant over with a key like St. Peter’s. It clanked and scraped the lock and refused to yield for quite two minutes. Suddenly, I felt a grateful sensation of relief at my wrist. A similar sensation followed, and the other wrist was free.
I rose to my feet. I staggered, but the strong and muscular arm of Dr. Watts gave me succor . . . . I looked around. All my clients had gone, with the exception of Arsene Lepine, who sat smoking a cigarette with the utmost nonchalance. His false mustache had half come off, but he did not appear to notice it. As for the police, they were too flurried over their previous mistake to risk making another. Therefore, M. Lepine remained at his ease.
Presently Herlock Soames waved all the policemen from the room. His imperious gesture carried an authority which they dared not disobey. Poor old Animal, the French detective, was following at their heels, when an abrupt cry from Lepine made him stand still.
“Come back, Animal, you will make a charming fourth to our impromptu little party! You have heard of Dr. Watts—well, here he is!”
Animal looked incredulously at Soames’ companion. For a second he held himself in check.
Useless! With a flying movement, copied no doubt from visions of the airplane in action, he traversed the room and flung himself in the arms of the doctor. It was a close, impetuous embrace, full of good will and esteem. The redoubtable Army surgeon was, of course, alive to the requirements of the Entente Cordiale, so he submitted willingly to the excited raptures of the famous Parisian.
“I have often heard of you, Inspector Animal, but I really forget whether I have met you before or not! If not, I am equally delighted to form your acquaintance under such pleasant auspices!”
“My brave doctor, but you are a fine fellow” commented Animal. “I do not like your tweeds, but for ocean voyages they are probably as useful as a silk hat and an umbrella!”
“Who is that young gentleman at the table to which the waiter is directing us, Soames?”
“Silence! Speak in a whisper! Be careful, Watts! The walls have ears! So have the waiters! It is Arsene Lepine!”
Dr. Watts would have fallen on the floor in a dead faint, if Animal had not at that moment recommenced his joyous embrace. As it was, they both nearly fell! M. Soames scowled.
“I do not like such exhibitions in the presence of a friend, just because I mention his name!”
“It was with pleasure, with charmed surprise!” explained the doctor, stumbling over his words and blushing. “A friend of Herlock Soames is always sure of a welcome from me!”
“Enough!” cut in the detective. “Though you are not becomingly dressed for the Hotel Chesterfield, you are no worse than M. Animal! Here, sit down and talk to M. Lepine, while I have
a chat with the Inspector! The waiter will bring supper if he has yet recovered from the unfortunate attack by the police!”
I had been fluttering about like a butterfly, always within hearing. Now I pushed my personality well under the notice of the four personages.
“He is a German!” announced Dr. Watts, with a supercilious glare.
“No, he’s an Austrian!” said Animal. “I can see it by the way his hair grows!”
“You’re both wrong!” settled M. Soames. “M. Lepine was right in attributing him to Italy. I myself added to this by asserting that he was a Tuscan from Pisa! I will not go over the long and intricate series of deductions by which I reached this result, particularly as you, Watts, are well up in my methods, but I will confess that the process in this case was not without its flashes, its pinpricks, of genius! Am I not right, Lepine?”
“My dear Soames, I have never known you to be wrong!”
M. Soames’ color heightened, or, rather, developed, and there was a warm glow on his face by the time I brought in a magnum of champagne. Unconsciously, he began to drink glass after glass of the delicious fluid, while Watts pretended not to see what was happening. Indeed, this new-born discretion of the doctor aroused my admiration. As for Lepine and Animal, they gave me quick directions to bring three more magnum bottles, in order to maintain the politeness of nations. Herlock Soames had a big start, but by forced efforts M. Lepine and M. Animal soon showed signs of catching up. The phlegmatic doctor at first fought shy of the champagne, but not altogether wishing to be left out in the cold he got through an enormous quantity by drinking it out of a tankard!
M. Soames suddenly blossomed into song—a song which the others took up as well as they could. At first Animal’s French accent retarded the entire harmony of the music, though in the end this was scarcely noticeable. I was relieved to feel that there were no other clients present! In fact, I was just congratulating myself on the point, when a sallow-looking man, in an olive-green frock-coat, abruptly made his appearance. His bowed shoulders and scraggy beard did not add to his attractions. When the four gentlemen caught sight of him, however, there was a perfect uproar.