by Jay Hogan
He gave an immediate nod. “Yeah. I came out officially when I was about thirteen. Mum was awesome. Dad took a bit longer. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, but yeah, he struggled with it for a bit. Much of Korean society is still working on the inclusive bit even if he wasn’t really brought up that way, the same with Mum’s Fijian side, to be fair. And the Irish might be the worst of the lot,” he joked.
“I never thought I’d lose him or anything like that. It just took a bit of time for him to accept. But now? He takes no crap from anyone about me. And as I said, like a lot of Kiwis, our family is a complicated cultural blend, me even more so than my parents.”
He sank deeper into my arms. “The Korean community here has been okay about it, or at least Dad doesn’t say if he gets any comments. I get a few raised brows and sideways looks but no more than that, not that they’ve really ever seen me with another guy, but I don’t hide who I am. And my mum helps out with the LGBT support group at my old high school, which is pretty much a damned Pacific United Nation–equivalent, so yeah, they’re good.”
I laughed and pressed a trail of kisses and small nibbles down the tender skin of Drake’s neck, and he hummed softly.
“Still, between being gay, having Crohn’s, and being a male midwife, there’s a smorgasbord of ways I don’t fit in especially well anywhere, so hey, this is my life. Ordinary is boring, right?”
I was beginning to understand why Drake had some fully muscled-up armour in place, and I didn’t blame him one bit.
Chapter Eight
Drake
THE FEEL of another man’s arms around me again felt so damn good, I nearly couldn’t speak at first. It was good enough to be dangerous, but then who was I kidding? That ship had sailed the minute I returned Caleb’s kiss and sank into the inviting warmth of his mouth. Or rather it started the minute I’d flirted with him, and who the fuck had thought that was a good idea? Me, apparently.
Leaning back against him as we talked, he couldn’t see the scattered moments of panic that I’m sure flashed in my eyes, but I suspected he knew by the way he held on tight, giving me no opportunity to slink away or pull the walls down. It wasn’t too late, not really. I could thank him for the mutual fun and kiss him on his way, but, yeah, that had worked so well earlier, right?
The man’s lips should to come with a consumer warning, hazardous to your heart’s health. I loved kissing, the whole getting lost in a man’s taste. It was sexy and intimate and something I didn’t allow in my admittedly tame hookups. Not only for the intimacy reason but also because I wasn’t prepared to risk my health for a guy I didn’t give a shit about. Even the flu could be a problem for me or cause a flare.
And damn if I hadn’t missed the feel of another man’s body hard up against mine, moving in rhythm, giving and taking and grinding, no matter if we were both still fully clothed. I could probably have gotten off just on the rub of Caleb’s short stubble against my cheek and the sexy slide of his teasing tongue alongside mine, I was that freaking turned on.
Just thinking about it my heart picked up a beat. Pathetic, much? Maybe. But it had been more than a year since I’d even allowed myself a random hand job at a club. Even tonight I couldn’t relax fully after we’d gotten off. Wanting nothing more than to stay snuggled to his chest, I had to head to the bathroom to check all was well. It was, mostly, but the anxiety about it had almost been overwhelming, leaving me still unsure if the stress was worth the payoff.
“Earth to Drake?” Caleb whispered in my ear.
Shit. “Sorry.” I turned to seek his lips in apology, and he rewarded me with a lingering kiss that damn near knocked my socks off and plumped my cock… again. When he finally pulled away and buried his face in my hair to snuffle the nape of my neck, a rapidly forming habit of his I’d noticed, the sigh that escaped my lips had needy approval written all over it.
“Jesus, Caleb,” I groaned. “You’re killing me here.” His hand slid to my groin and wrapped around my dick as he nipped at my neck and… holy shit… just like that I was ready to go.
He squeezed gently. “Mmm. Is that right? Well, you shouldn’t be so damn sexy,” he murmured hot against my skin and gave another squeeze. “Want me to do something about that?”
Yes. “No.”
He tensed and immediately pulled back. Damn. I spun and straddled his lap, linking my hands around his neck and pressing our foreheads together. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop.” He relaxed and his arms circled my waist. Better. I continued. “What I meant to say is that I’d love nothing more, but I need….”
“To take this slow,” he finished for me, snagging a kiss while he was at it. “I get it. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings, you know.”
I snorted. “Pretty sure it would take more than that to dent that healthy ego of yours.”
He laughed. “You know me so well.”
Then his expression turned serious and his fingers traced soft circles in the small of my back. He looked almost… shy. Well, goddamn. If ballsy Caleb was hot, shy Caleb was fucking irresistible. I bit back a smile and the urge to kiss the living shit out of him.
“So, um, are things okay?” he asked. “Are you okay… with tonight… with us?”
Was I? Good question.
He watched as I struggled with how to answer, the green and amber flecks in his eyes dancing in the soft glow of the side table lamps. Then he arched a brow. “Full disclosure, mister.”
I blew out a soft sigh. Start as you mean to continue, right? “I think so,” I answered honestly. “I’m in a good space health-wise at the moment, so yeah… I’m okay, more than okay.” I planted a kiss on his lips. “I’m pretty sure my dick’s fanboying all over the place, at least.”
He grinned. “Good to know. But…?”
Clever man. “But…. That’s kind of also the problem or the point, I guess. Because I am in a good space, it’s not a real test, right?”
He frowned, cute little creases edging down between his brows. “Boy, you’re a hard sell. Talk about a pessimist. How about we notch this up as a great start and just keep our minds open?”
I was still stuck on that frown and the way my fingers had gravitated there to gently smooth it flat. I paused midsmooth and held his gaze. “You really want this, don’t you?”
He tilted his head back and kissed the palm of my hand, then took it in one of his. “Yes, Duck-Young. Drake. I really want to give this a chance. The question is, do you?”
Yes. The answer was there in my heart before I even thought about it. “Yes, I do. But what I want and what works aren’t always even in the same universe, so don’t hate on me because I’m cautious.”
He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed each of my fingertips one by one, keeping his eyes locked on mine. Then he held them to his cheek and eyeballed me. “So, who was he? The one who hurt you?”
Fuck. I rested my head on Caleb’s chest so he couldn’t see how the question affected me. I hated talking about it.
“Don’t do that,” he chided gently and turned us both on our sides, lifting my chin and forcing me to look at him. “Full disclosure, remember?”
I huffed against his hand. “Just you remember that when it’s your turn, Caleb Ashton.”
“Don’t change the subject.”
Goddammit. “His name was Jared, satisfied?”
“Not even a little bit.”
He kissed me sweetly and I puddled against him. “He was my last boyfriend, and we were together two years, even lived together for one of them. He also thought he could handle my illness, and he did, for a while. But I was pretty healthy then, not too different from how I am now, actually. I could go to movies, clubs, watch him play rugby and shit.
“True, there were a few issues, sexually. He wasn’t one hundred percent happy that I couldn’t always bottom as he preferred to top, but I thought we were doing okay, and he tolerated a lot of stuff that others had considered… well, off-putting. He even seemed genuinely okay about having to put sex on
the back burner occasionally for a few days or a week if I’d had a bad reaction to something. Then around twenty months into our relationship I had a major flare-up and my body pretty much tanked for the next three.
“The exhaustion was suffocating, and I could barely get myself out of bed, not to mention the internal ulcers and diarrhoea saw my weight plummet. I looked like a freaking scarecrow. Sexy was not my middle name then, I can tell you that much….”
Caleb kissed my nose. “Sexy is always your middle name.”
The man needed to stop being such a sweetheart. If I wasn’t careful, I’d start to believe him, and that way only lay regret and disappointment. “Hah. Shows how much you know. Dana and Carly had to share most of my client deliveries, and the clients I did manage to keep had to come to the clinic for their appointments. I could barely drive. Christ, I could barely sit. As for sex, it was the furthest thing from my mind. With the bumped-up drug regime to fight the flare, the exhaustion, and the sheer pain, if I managed to crack a smile I considered it a win for the day.
“Not surprisingly Jared discovered he couldn’t deal after all. It was him not me, blah, blah, blah. And after I’d spent a couple of weeks in hospital getting things under control, receiving some IV nutrition and a pharmacy of medications, the day before I was due to be discharged, he told me we were done. What he didn’t say was that he’d actually moved out of our place ten days before, he just hadn’t got the nerve up to tell me.”
Caleb jerked back. “Oh my God, Drake. What a bastard. Who the fuck does something like that?” He spat the words with so much anger.
I frowned. “No, he wasn’t, not really. I told you. Being with me can suck big time. When I get a flare-up, even a little one, it consumes me. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and lick my wounds till things improve. I can’t deal with other people, and I’m sure as hell not fun to be around, if I’ll even let you come within a country mile of me. I pushed Jared away, way, way away, until eventually he just turned and took those last few steps on his own.”
“And that’s supposed to make it all right,” Caleb fumed.
Did it? I was warmed by his outrage, but he didn’t truly understand. “I don’t know. Maybe? At the time I, was hurt, sure, but I was also fucking relieved. He was one less thing I had to worry about, you know? I could just go home, shut the door, and focus on me until shit turned around. I guess in some ways, he did me a favour.”
“Stop it,” Caleb growled, his face flushed with anger.
“Stop what?”
“Stop making excuses for him. I get that blaming the Crohn’s for what happened makes it easier to justify why you shouldn’t bother with guys at all, but the truth is, the dude was a shitty boyfriend and he did a really shitty thing. Did you guys love each other?”
Did we? “I thought we did. But….”
“No buts. You don’t move in with a guy you love and then ditch him the first time life gets difficult for your dick for a few months.”
I snorted crossly. “It was a wee bit more involved than that.”
“No kidding.”
I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again. I didn’t get why Caleb was so upset. “You know nothing about us or what we were to each other.”
His nostrils flared. “Maybe not, but I’m a fucking detective, I don’t live in fantasy land. I spend most of my life judging character and the same principles apply. He knew you had Crohn’s. Did he even look it up?”
“Of course he—”
“’Cause that stuff is pretty damn clear.”
I felt myself stiffen. Caleb meant well, but in reality, he knew fuck all. Jared might’ve been a bit weak but he’d tried… hadn’t he? Memories of coming home to the last of his boxes packed and waiting by the front door stung all over again. Jesus, why in the hell was I even considering doing that to myself again? Had I lost my mind?
I scrambled off his lap. “You know you have an awful lot to say for someone who’s known about Crohn’s disease for all of three minutes.”
He flushed to his roots and reached for me, but I backed off. “Shit. Sorry,” he said hastily. “You’re absolutely right. I just hate that he hurt you like that. I didn’t mean to judge the guy….”
“Yeah, you did.” I pinned him with a glare. “And who knows, you might be right. But deciding whether or not he was an arsehole isn’t up to you. Even if he was, it doesn’t exactly help your case because it just means I’m a crap judge of people and shouldn’t be trusted to know what’s good for me. Case in point.”
I saw the barb hit home instantly and regretted it. “Damn. Sorry. I didn’t mean that.” I went to take his face in my hands, but it was his turn to pull away. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“I’d better go,” he said, digging in his jeans for his car keys. “I’ll get your briefs back to you.”
“Caleb, wait.” I stood and followed him to the door. “Stop. Please.”
He paused, keeping his back to me. “Give me a reason to stay, Drake. Because from my side, you’ve made yourself pretty damn clear, more than once.”
He turned and gave me a flat stare, one that held none of the cheeky charming warmth I’d come to associate with him. It felt all kinds of wrong and I wanted it back.
But he wasn’t done. “You appreciated me getting you off, but you don’t think I have the chops to stay the distance,” he said, failing to keep the hurt out of his voice. “Like I’m some lightweight, and hell, maybe I am. I’ve never had a relationship so what the fuck do I know? But I resent the hell out of you just assuming I’m gonna break up with you before we’ve even had a first proper date, because I’m not counting tonight. Based on what you’ve just said, I’m gonna run with tonight being a pity, thanks-but-no-thanks, dinner.”
Jesus I was screwing this up. “No. It wasn’t like―”
Caleb held up a hand to silence me. “Look, maybe I’ll hurt you and prove you right or maybe you’ll hurt me. But I’m here now, aren’t I? A guy who normally runs screaming from anyone who even looks like wanting a second date, for fuck’s sake. A guy who’s been chasing his damn socks off to get even a single look from you, to get a chance, and I don’t even know the fuck why. This isn’t me, except that it apparently is, at least where you’re concerned. I want you, Drake, I think I’ve made that pretty clear. But I’m not gonna beg and I sure as shit don’t need this. So I’ll save us both the bother and just leave you alone. It’s what you seem to want, after all.”
And with that he was gone before I could even formulate a reply. Fuck, shit, fuck. I collapsed against the closed door as a jumble of emotions flew around my chest but only one threatened to choke me. Regret. Goddammit. What the fuck had I done? Caleb was right. Was I gonna spend my whole life avoiding getting hurt? ’Cause I sure as hell couldn’t imagine many guys trying harder than him to prove they were serious. And I’d just thrown everything in his pretty face.
The grunt of his Mustang turning over slammed an icy fear into my chest like I’d never felt and sent me flying out the door and down the path like a crazy man.
“Stop.” I waved my arms, but he had his head turned to back out. I rapped twice on the retreating hood then jerked my hand back because, well… Mustang.
His head spun around, and the car jolted to a stop. He stared at me over the wheel for too long to be comfortable and I thought for sure he’d already decided I was way too much trouble. Because I was. I waited for the Mustang to continue on its way, but it didn’t. He was thinking and thinking was so much better than leaving, and so I waited. The engine finally switched off and he got out. But he didn’t come over, leaning against the door with his arms folded instead. Not exactly welcoming, but I’d take it.
I slunk across to him wearing my best I’m-a-total-dickhead expression and stopped an arm’s length away, staring up at him through batting lashes. He arched his brows but otherwise gave no indication he was even open to an apology. Alrighty, then.
“So,” I began. “Turns out I can be a bit of an ars
ehole too, apparently. Shocker, right?”
His mouth twitched, but he said nothing.
I chose to take that as a good sign and continued. “Also turns out I’m a sucker for a bit of solid old-fashioned wooing, as it happens. Not that it balances out the whole arsehole factor thing I’ve got going right now but… I just thought maybe you could um… take it into consideration?”
Still nothing. Tough crowd. Full disclosure. Whose stupid idea was that? “Look, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve what I said, and I don’t even know why I said it.”
“Yes, you do. You know exactly why you said it.” Flat as a pancake.
Goddammit. “Okay, yes, I do.” I sighed heavily. “I’m just tired, you know? Tired of having to think through every single damn thing I do. I guess I’ve had this whole doing-it-on-my-own thing down pat, and it’s been working for me, keeping my health pretty even and that’s… well, that’s a huge fucking deal in my life, more important than anything else….” My gaze slid off his to land over his shoulder. “Or at least it was.” I risked a peek and caught a smile playing at the corner of his mouth… a flicker leastways.
“So why are you out here, stopping me leaving?” Those hazel eyes drilled me with wary resolve.
“You know why.”
He said nothing.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?”
He tilted his head.
Bastard. “All right. I’m here because I like you. Happy?”
Two raised brows.
“Okay, okay. I like you and I want to give this thing between us a go.”
“A go?”
“You know, go out and… stuff… kiss… dinner and a movie maybe… or whatever and kissing, did I mention there has to be kissing… on these date… thingies… I guess.”
“You guess?” Caleb’s eyes danced with amusement.
The man was an arsehole of the highest order. “Dates, yes! Definitely dates.” I practically shouted at him. “Caleb Ashton, I want to date you. Please, enough grovelling already. Just kiss me. I need you to kiss me. In fact, if there’s no kissing in the next ten seconds, the whole deal is off.” I pouted for good measure. “Oh, and that was not me begging by the way. Nope, that was a threat, absolutely… a threat.” It so was begging.