by Natalie Ann
“For what?”
“For being here, for watching him, for letting me sleep.”
She gave me a lopsided grin. “You’re welcome.” She closed her laptop and set it to the side, stretching like a cat with her arms held high over her head. As she arched her back, her breasts became more pronounced under the large sweater, and I found myself wondering what she would look like naked and in my bed.
I looked away. Davina was helping me with Devon; the last thing I needed to do was scare her away by sleeping with her. Especially if I was going to ask her for help with him.
“I noticed that you didn’t read Carol’s note,” she said after a moment.
“How do you know I didn’t?”
She slipped off the couch and went toward the kitchen. “Because it’s sitting here on the counter still sealed.” She lifted the envelope and held it for me to see.
“Yeah, I guess I forgot about it.” I held my hand up for it, and she returned to the couch, handing it to me. “Do you know what it says?”
She shook her head. “No, I didn’t even know she wrote to you until she told me in the hospital.”
I set my coffee cup to the side and tore open the envelope, pulling the papers from within and unfolding them.
Dearest Trevor,
If you are reading this, then I didn’t make it. I honestly didn’t think that I would, and you might think it was selfish of me to have continued with a pregnancy when I knew it could kill me. I was being selfish. From the moment I met you at the coffee shop, until now, I’ve been very selfish.
The thing about it is that I had already known that something was wrong with me, and maybe that little whisper inside of me that you spoke of said to enjoy every moment to the fullest. That’s what I did with you. In that weekend that we shared, I loved a lifetime. No, neither of us was in love with the other, but we loved. We shared a wonderful intimacy. We laughed, we talked, and then we said goodbye, and I honestly never wanted anything more from you.
However, our time together gave me a gift that I had never dreamed of having. A gift that, sadly, I am returning to you. How I wish that I could live for many years to raise our beautiful son, but I know my time is nearing the end. I hope that you will forgive me for not reaching out to you, and for not telling you about the pregnancy. I know that you, like Davina, would have tried to talk me out of it. If this was the last thing I could do on this earth, bring a new life into this world, then I was going to do it.
I’m sure you are beside yourself with what to do now. I can only imagine how much of a turmoil this has put into your active life, but I ask you one thing. If you even cared about me a little, loved me a little, then you will raise our child. You will tell our son that we had something special and that I love him dearly, as I will forever love you for this sacrifice.
I know that you might not be able to fulfill my wish, but I hope that you seriously consider it. If you cannot, contact the adoption agency on the list that Davina gave you and speak with Marsha. She is aware of the situation and can help you find a good home for Devon. While it would sadden me, I would understand, and our son would bring joy to another couple.
I do have a life insurance policy, and I changed the beneficiary name on it to you. It’s not much, but it will help you to take care of our son. Davina knows the name of the attorney and can put you in touch with him.
Speaking of Davina, she knows a lot. Ask her to help. Ask her to be part of raising our child. I hope that you two can build a friendship that will last for years. I’d love nothing more than for the two of you to be there for our son as he grows. Maybe you two could even fall in love. I could see no better mother for Devon than my best friend. I would trust her with my life and with my son’s life.
Whatever you decide, I know that you will do what is best for our child. I apologize again for not telling you about him, but as I said, I was being selfish. On the next few pages you will find information about me and as much as I know about my family history. The kind of things that might be helpful in the future.
Thank you, Trevor. Thank you for giving me happiness and love in my final days. For giving me an incredible experience before my journey was over. I’ll be watching over you two, the storm in the sky, and know that I will always love you for what you gave me. Kiss my baby and tell him about me. Tell him how much he was loved, how sad I am to leave him, and how I will always be there in his heart.
All my love,
Carol
My gaze slipped from the page to the picture I’d taken that hung on the wall: the storm in the sky. I’d taken that after my weekend with Carol when I’d gone back overseas. It was such an incredible picture that I had blown it up so I could hang it. I would forever remember my weekend with Carol from just that picture and her love of storms.
I smiled at the picture slightly before I returned my attention to the letter and turned the page to the next sheet and skimmed the information that she had written. It talked about her and what she knew of her family, important medical information that would be good to know for his future. It even listed her favorite color, yellow, and flower, iris.
I sighed as I folded the pages again and set them on the cushion beside me, and my gaze fell on the bassinet. A sound came from inside, and I got up and went to it, lifting Devon into my arms. I stared down at his little face, Carol’s words flitting around in my mind.
“Well, little dude, it looks like it’s just you and me.”
Davina spoke up. “Then you’re going to keep him?”
I turned to her. “I’m going to try, but I’m going to need your help, Davina.”
She looked surprised. “My help?”
“Yes, and if you look at that letter, you’ll see that Carol expected you to help me, too. In fact, she hopes that we have a great friendship. That maybe we will even fall in love.”
“She did not!” She grabbed the note from the couch and unfolded it. I came back to sit with Devon in my arms. He was still sleeping, although shifting a bit as he was on the edge of consciousness. I waited patiently as she finished.
“Oh, my god! How could she think that I could fall in love with you? Or that I would want to help you?”
I skipped the love part; I wasn’t interested in that myself. “Why wouldn’t you want to help me?”
Davina stood, dropping the letter to the cushion. “Because you’re the reason she’s dead. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” Her words were like a knife to my gut, but I controlled my expression the best I could.
“Excuse me?”
“If it weren’t for you knocking her up, she'd still be alive.”
“You blame me for this? You really blame me for her death?”
“Yes! Of course, I do!”
I got up from the couch and put Devon back into the bassinet as anger began to seep into my blood. The moment I knew he was safe, I spun on her. “I had nothing to do with her death, Davina. Do you honestly think that I wouldn’t have tried to talk her out of this if I had known? I liked Carol; she was great. I would never wish death on her!”
“That doesn’t matter!” she hissed. “Because of you, she’s dead. My best friend is dead!” Her eyes began to fill with tears. “We were best friends for sixteen years! We did everything together! What am I supposed to do now?”
As the last of her words spilled from her mouth, the tears began to flow too, and I realized that in the time that she had been taking care of Devon and trying to find me, she had yet to grieve for her friend. I stepped closer to her, taking her shoulders, and she tried to pull away.
I didn’t let her go; instead, I pulled her to my chest as sobs began to explode from her small body. “What am I supposed to do now?” She cried into my shirt, her hands no longer pushing me away, but fisted in my shirt.
“You’re supposed to let it out, Davina. Cry and let out the pain. It’s okay; I have you. Let it out, sweetheart.”
As if someone had finally giver her permission to grieve, she fell
apart in my arms, and I held her. She wasn’t the first person that I had held as they grieved over the death of a loved one, but this felt different. Part of me began to grieve too, for a woman that I had barely known who had given the ultimate sacrifice to bring a life into this world. I stared at the photo over Davina’s head. Carol was a hero to me; she would always be a hero, and as I glanced toward the bassinet, I knew I would make sure that our son knew it.
Chapter 8 – Davina
How could she say that? How could she even suggest that I stick around and help him, be his friend, maybe fall in love with him! Never! I would never do that.
Yet, as I fell apart in his arms, I felt something I’d never experienced before. I felt utterly safe. Trevor let me cry for a few minutes, murmuring soft words of comfort, rubbing my back, and just letting me get it all out. Since Carol had died, I had cried. I shed tears after she passed, and I cried at her funeral, but those were delicate tears as I’d held back the vast grief that engulfed me.
Now I no longer held back. I let it all out. If anyone should know the pain I was going through, it should be Trevor. He should see just how much Carol’s friendship had meant to me, how much her death devastated me. I hated that he was the one comforting me, but at the same time, I could not stop myself. I clung to him; I needed him at that moment.
As the tears began to subside, I began to feel embarrassed. Ashamed that I had let myself fall apart in front of a stranger, in front of him—the reason she was dead.
I stepped back from him, and this time he allowed me space. Wiping at my face, I turned away. “I need to use the restroom.”
“It’s in my bedroom.”
I nodded and walked away, not even looking at him. I found the bathroom, surprised at how clean it was, and gathered enough toilet paper to blow my nose and wipe away the tears. In the mirror, I saw the bloodshot eyes, the anguish on my features, and the exhaustion. Even though I had gotten eight hours of sleep yesterday, I had been up all night, and the weariness was weighing down on me again.
I took the time to use the bathroom and washed my hands and face, then opened the door. I stared around his room, the bed unmade, but otherwise, there was no clutter. It was surprisingly neat and tidy. Even the items on his dresser were all lined up perfectly.
I paused by the side of his bed, staring down at the indentation on his pillow and suddenly wanted to dive in and drift off to sleep. Would he mind? Did I care if he did?
Without another thought, I climbed into his bed, curled on my side, and stuck my nose into his pillow. I inhaled his slightly musky scent and closed my eyes. A moment later, I was gone.
***
When I woke, it was to a sound I hadn’t expected. I rolled to my back and noticed the door was closed, but on the other side, I could hear Trevor laughing. I found myself smiling as I wiped at my eyes and glanced around the room again. I had no idea how long I had slept, but I felt almost human again.
I rolled out of bed and used the bathroom again before I quietly opened the door. Trevor was lying on the floor of the living room, Devon on a blanket in front of him kicking his legs and waving his arms at a small toy that Trevor held above him.
He glanced toward the door and smiled. “Did you sleep well?”
“I’m sorry about that.”
He sat up. “It’s okay; you were up all night working. When you didn’t come back from the bathroom, I checked on you and found you passed out.”
“Yeah, well, I appreciate you letting me sleep. What time is it?”
He glanced at his watch. “Almost twelve. I was just thinking about finding something to eat. You hungry?”
“Starved actually, but I need to go home. I should probably call my boss and make sure that the program worked.”
“It does,” he replied as he got off the floor.
I stared at him. “How do you know that?”
“Because your boss called, like four times in a row, and I finally answered so he would stop.”
My jaw dropped. “You answered my phone?”
“Yes, it woke Devon up,” he said with a shrug.
“You shouldn’t have answered my phone, Trevor. You had no right.”
“Yeah, well, I did, Davina, and I told your boss that you were sleeping after being up all night. Funny that he had no idea that you have been taking care of a newborn or that you had lost your best friend.”
“It was none of his business,” I snapped. “What the hell did you say to him?”
He shrugged again as he went into the kitchen. “Not much, but he said he had a couple of things he wanted to change about the program, but that it looked pretty good. He also said he was sorry about Carol and had he known that you were taking care of a baby, he would have had one of the other developers take over the project.”
“I am quite capable of doing my job.”
“I’m sure you are, but you’ve been dealing with a lot, Davina. He gave you a week off. Said that if you had time, you could work on the changes, but he didn’t need them for a couple of weeks, so take some time off.”
I stared at Trevor as he moved around in his kitchen, pulling a container of something out of his freezer. I was flabbergasted. “Trevor, I’m serious; you had no right to tell him that stuff.”
Trevor turned to me. “Why not? It’s the truth. You’ve gone through a lot these last couple of weeks. Your boss should be aware of those things.”
“He doesn’t need to know anything about my personal life!” I snapped, and Devon let out a whine. Both of us glanced back at him still lying on the floor.
“Davina, I didn’t tell him that to get into your personal life. I know that the circumstances that we deal with affect our job performance. As an employer, he had the right to know that you were dealing with some things. That way he would get off your back if you didn’t perform up to your normal standards.”
“I pride myself on those normal standards, thank you very much.”
Trevor chuckled. “I’m sure you do, Davina.” He turned and put his hands on the counter in front of him, staring at me. “Just say thank you and let it go.”
“Why should I?”
“Because I just got you a week off, paid I might add.”
I stared at him. Okay, so my boss was a cheapskate, so having a week of paid time off was a good deal, especially when I didn’t have any vacation time left. “How did you manage to get me the time off?”
“I told you, I explained to him what you have been going through. Told him that you needed a little time to grieve and that you would be back to yourself shortly.”
I frowned, and a thought came to me. “Did you threaten him?”
Something crossed the features of his face but was gone before I could comprehend it. “No, why would I threaten him?” He turned away from me.
“Oh, my god! You did threaten him!”
“Davina, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Do you like chili?”
“Yes, I like chili, but we are not done with this conversation, Trevor Vaughn. Don’t think that I am going to forgive you for speaking to my boss without my permission. You had no right.”
“You are feisty; I’ll give you that.”
“Kiss my ass,” I growled, and he laughed.
“With pleasure.” He winked over his shoulder, and I did an about-face. I was not going to let him control my life or flirt with me. The last thing I was going to do was fall into bed with this man.
I spun back around. “I am not sleeping with you,” I blurted.
He slowly turned to me. “I don’t think that I suggested that. What makes you think that I want to sleep with you?”
Why did I? He had never said anything to that effect; in fact, he’d never even looked at me like he was thinking about that. I felt my cheeks begin to warm. “Because I don’t want you to think that I’m going to somehow repay you with sex after you got me a few days off.”
Trevor put the container into the microwave and turned it on before he replied. “As nice
as it would be to have you warm my sheets without sleeping, I’m not interested in you that way, Davina.”
I forced myself not to react. Why did that statement bother me? I should be happy he said that, but instead I was a little bit disappointed. Of course, he didn’t want to sleep with me. I wasn’t his type; Carol had been his type.
“Yeah, well, I’m not interested in you that way either. So I’m glad we both have that straightened out.” I turned and went back to Devon. “When is the last time he ate?”
“About an hour before you woke up. He’s been awake since.”
“Okay, well, he’ll probably want to eat again soon, and then he’ll probably nap most of the afternoon. You should be able to deal with him on your own.”
“Are you leaving?” he asked as he came out of the kitchen.
“I’m not going to stay here. You asked for my help last night, and I gave you that, but I do have a life, Trevor.”
“I didn’t say that you didn’t,” he muttered and then sighed. “You said that Carol had other things for him. When do you think I could get those?”
“I guess if you want to go over after lunch, I could help you load them into your car.”
“My truck.”
“What?”
“I drive a truck.”
“Okay, whatever. Car, truck, they are both the same. They get you from one place to the other.”
He shook his head, chuckling. “Where are the things?”
“At Carol’s apartment.” I frowned. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back there. I’d been to her place once after she died, and it had been ultra-painful, but I had needed to get stuff for Devon.
“Would you mind?”
I stared at Devon, thinking about how much I didn’t want to go back to her apartment, but knowing that I needed to. I had to get her place cleared out by the end of the month anyway. I guess it was good that I now had a week off. “No, I don’t mind. I need to get her place packed up anyway.”
“What are you going to do with all her stuff? Are you going to give it to her family?”