“Astute observation,” I deadpan.
“Why?”
“I lost the bet.”
“I don’t care about the silly race! Put them back on.” She peeks out between her fingers and shrieks again.
I chuckle loudly. “Baby, I’m not putting them back on, and you’d better get used to my nakedness ‘cuz there’s going to be a lot more of that in your future.”
I stretch my hand out again, grinning like a madman, and she gingerly takes it, desperately trying to avert her gaze. “You know, it might help if you got naked too,” I suggest. Her head flips up at that. I shrug casually as if I don’t have any ulterior motive. “Just saying, it might help you feel more comfortable with my nakedness if you got used to being naked too.”
“Not in this lifetime, Cal Remus.”
“Famous last words, Ariana Skyee.”
CHAPTER 18
I inspect my arm under the fading light of the sun. My skin has shriveled up like a withered prune, but I feel clean and whole, inside and out. We’ve spent hours in the water, and I’ve undoubtedly taken care of today’s shower and all of next week’s showers. Feeling this carefree in the midst of the mess that we call life is priceless. If we could stay here in our blissful cocoon, I’d be the happiest man alive. We’d only hauled ourselves out of our watery heaven when the sun started to dip in the sky dragging all the warmth with it. The minute I spotted Ariana shivering, I whipped her out and blanketed her in a towel.
I run my fingers through her damp, wavy hair, and her hand stalls on the towel at her feet. “I like your hair like that,” I admit. “It’s sexy.”
Perching her chin on her chest, she angles her face and looks at me with a shy smile. She reaches over and runs her fingers through my hair. “And I love your hair like that. Just like when we met.”
Oh yeah, score one for the boy.
“We should start a mutual admiration society,” I mumble, drawing her to me. I kiss her lips and savor the touch and feel of her mouth against mine. She kisses me back with passion, and longing, and an urgency that’s so raw it takes my breath away. Cupping her face, I pull back and scan her face, marveling at the rosy glow in her cheeks, the sparkle in her eyes, and the curve of her inviting mouth.
I could gaze upon her forever.
I fully intend to.
“I love you so much.” I press a kiss to her shoulder and she shudders.
“I love you too. More than I can even describe,” she says, resting her hand on her chest. “But there are other things we need to discuss.” An agonizing look flits across her face, but it’s gone again so quickly that I’m not even sure it was there in the first place.
“If you are referencing Deacon and the issue with our dads, then that’s one less thing to argue about,” I explain, sitting up. Her eyebrows rise questioningly. “I’ve thought about what you said back in Saoirse and you were right.” I grab my sling and hoist it over my shoulder. Stretching across me, she helps fasten it in place. The caress of her fingers on my collarbone sends a flood of warmth to certain parts of my anatomy. If I hadn’t put my boxers and pants on again, it could be a whole different ball game. Literally. It could have been interesting. Mind out of the gutter, pervert.
“What brought about the change of heart?” she asks, slipping her arms into the sleeves of her jacket.
I struggle into my shirt and she comes to my aid again. “I remembered what it felt like to be ten.”
She stares intensely at me, as if she can see right into my mind. Crap, she’s been working on her gift so perhaps she can totally do that now. That’d be somewhat embarrassing, especially if she’s picked up on all the horny thoughts coasting through my brain since she showed up. “You can’t actually see into my mind, right?”
She winks and I gulp. “Ah, shit.” I chew on the side of my lip.
She fists her hand in my shirt. “I’m only messing with you. I can’t see into your mind.” Sweet relief floods through me. “But I can sense your emotions.” Stress levels skyrocket again.
“Awkward.”
She laughs. “Not awkward at all, baby. I love all your feels.” My heart soars in my chest. She’s not usually one for endearments, and I didn’t realize how amazing it would feel to hear her say it.
“What are you sensing now?” I trail a finger up her leg and my hand lingers on her thigh, electricity scorching my fingertips.
Two pink spots darken her cheeks. “Love. Happiness.”
“Anything else?” I cock my head to the side, and the flush on her skin reddens in a nanosecond.
“Shut it, you know! You’re the one feeling it!” She slaps my hand away, trying to laugh it off.
“Baby, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed that I lust after you so much. You set my body on fire with just one look and that’s a damned good thing.” Her face flares and even that sends a bolt of lightning straight to my lower regions. “I want you so much all the time,” I admit, pulling her to me.
Planting her hands firmly on my chest, she holds me at bay. “Focus, Cal. We still have stuff to talk over and it’s getting late, we need to get back soon.”
I growl low in my throat but I know she’s right. “Fine,” I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, “Deacon is too young to be told about Dad now. I was almost the same age he was when Mom died. I remember—like it was yesterday—how empty and lost I felt. It was the worst time because I couldn’t properly process why I was feeling so hollow inside.” My heart aches with the memory. “Deacon hasn’t even begun to deal with your mom’s death, and if he found out now that his dad isn’t his biological father, then I think it would destroy the kid. We can’t do that to him. Not until he’s older and mature enough to hear it and deal with it.”
Her hand squeezes mine. I sling an arm around her waist. “I think Dad is genuinely trying to make amends for his previous wrongdoing, and Deacon is part of that; he honestly wants to do right by him. I also believe he is grieving deeply over your mom. I don’t think he’s doing it deliberately to get back at your dad.”
I scoop her hair up and sling it over her shoulders. “I’ll talk to him when I’m back in Saoirse. I’ll try and make him see reason. The way I see it, there should be nothing stopping him from being in Deacon’s life. Yes, it won’t be as transparent as he’d like it to be, but it’s a way for him and Deacon to connect. You and I are together, and we’re going to have a family soon, so our two families will naturally grow closer. There should be ample opportunity for him to spend time with Deacon without raising any suspicion. Hopefully, Dad will see it like that and it’ll be enough for him.”
Her eyes sparkle with hope. “I think my dad would agree to that much. Honestly, Cal, he won’t stop your dad when the time comes. I know him, he’s a good man, and he just wants what’s best for Deacon.”
“What’s most important,” I say, supplanting her hands around the nape of my neck, “is that we won’t let it come between us. No matter what happens, it won’t affect us. Agreed?”
She licks her lips and it’s like a shot of Viagra whizzing straight through my body. Her eyes widen in recognition and I wink. “Told you baby.” I grin smugly as my lips seal to hers.
She breaks the kiss first. Her fingers dig into the corded muscle of her shoulders, and she twists her neck gently from side to side. “I need to practice more at shielding your emotions. It’s like I’m taking a double hit every time.” She shimmies on her knees and hell yeah, I love that she’s feeling it too. We could have some fun with this! I move in for the kill but she shoots me a cautionary look.
“I have something I need to get off my chest,” she says.
“Please tell me it’s your bra?” Butterflies dance a jig of delicious anticipation in my stomach.
“Cal.” How she can embed so much seriousness into one word is a remarkable talent. “I’ve been trying to tell you this since last night.”
I scratch my head, suddenly antsy. “Okay. I’m listening.”
“No more secrets,”
she whispers.
My stomach lurches. This is something to do with him. I just fucking know it. “You said that to me once before.”
“I know. But I didn’t tell you this then because I didn’t think it mattered and I knew it would only hurt you.” Her hands creep through the grass and she purposely looks away. “I was wrong. I should have told you, which is why I am now.” Raising her head, she focuses her full attention on me. A glimmer of conflicting emotions contorts her features.
“What did you do?” I ask the question though my brain screams at me not to.
She cups my face in her hands and her breath swirls around my head, clouding my senses. “I love you,” she says, her tone laced with sincerity, “I only want a future with you. Don’t forget that.”
“Tell me,” I say, my voice bordering on menacing.
She removes her hands and clasps them in her lap. “I’ve kissed Zane.” My whole body sags inward. “Three times.” Ice rips up and down my spine. I’m numb for all of ten seconds, and then rage, hurt, and humiliation batter my insides like an invading army as the icy feeling is replaced with fire. A deep gut-wrenching pain slithers and slides inside me, infecting everything that has been beautiful and sweet, turning it into something nasty and sour. I clench my teeth as if my jaw is wired shut. Bitter fury is clamoring to burst free of my skin, like a poison angling for release.
I’m afraid to speak. Afraid of the strength of the emotions her admission has bled in me. So I sit there stewing, my brain struggling to understand how she could betray me.
After a few minutes, she exhales deeply and speaks. “Please say something. Anything.”
Grinding my teeth, I stare at her, working hard to keep a lid on my acrimonious feelings.
“I’m so sor—”
I raise my hand and her mouth hangs open, mid-word. “Were you drunk when it happened?” She shakes her head. “Coerced?” She shakes her head again. “Under the influence of drugs?” Her lip wobbles as she shakes her head slowly. “Brainwashed?” She moves to shake her head but I interrupt her. “Oh no, I forgot. That was ME.” All my anger erupts in a fireball of self-righteous rage. “And I didn’t CHEAT!” I roar. “Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry because sorry means jack-shit right now.”
She visibly flinches and fear replaces the sparkle in her eyes. That evokes a degree of restraint. I don’t want her to be scared of me. I close my eyes and count to ten in my head. Remembering the tips the doctor gave me for controlling my rage in times of severe stress, I summon up my peaceful place. Picturing the cove back in Novo where I used to go swimming, I visualize the crystal clear, calm water, and I imagine it swirling and sweeping through my body, putting out the fire. Gradually, I feel the anger seeping away. But it still lingers, simmering under the surface, ready to jump to life at the slightest provocation.
Opening my eyes, I try to look at her impassively so as not to incite Mr. Angry. I see the remorse in her expression, in her tightly clenched fists and the stiffness of her spine. She holds herself upright, so very still, careful not to do or say anything until I have my temper under control. My eyes zero in on her plump lips, slightly parted, breath dancing out, and my anger is quickly replaced with agonizing pain. An intense ache slices a clean cut straight through my heart. I bleed for her. It’s as if my heart has been ripped viciously from my chest and my life force is flowing away. When I thought I’d lost her to him, my suffering was off the Richter scale. This is … a very close second.
“Cal, I …” She stops speaking when she spots the warning look on my face. Don’t say you’re sorry. Anything but that. “Sorry” has to be the most over-used clichéd get-out clause in the history of mankind. Tossed out flippantly, without any real meaning or substance behind the word. Sense that. She looks down at her feet and her shoulders slump forward. Silence engulfs us.
“When did it happen?” I grit out.
I know; I’m a masochist.
She clears her throat and speaks in a low voice. “The first time was the morning after you showed up in Clementia.” I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek. “The second time was when he showed up in the observation deck in Saoirse.” I pummel my fist into the earth, my nails cutting through the grass, burrowing into the muck. “The third time was in Greece.”
My head jerks up. He was in Greece with her? WTF?! “Did you sleep with him?” My heart stops a beat while I brace myself for her response.
“No! I haven’t slept with anyone ever, except you.”
That’s of some comfort until an image of him and her locking lips flashes in my mind and I feel sick all over again. “Just so I’ve got this clear,” I start. I don’t even recognize my own voice. It sounds cold and hard, devoid of any warmth, any essence of humanity. “The first time you kissed him was while I was tied to a hospital bed going out of my frigging mind because I couldn’t remember who I was. The second time was literally minutes after you left my bed. And the third time was when …”
“Actually the third time wasn’t really a kiss. It was …”
I dart forward and she flinches back. I breathe deeply and try to calm down. “Did your lips meet his?”
“Yes, but …”
I raise a hand and her voice instantly freezes. “Then it was a kiss. Please don’t split hairs.” I blow loud air out of my mouth and then bury my head in my hands. This can’t be happening. Not when everything finally seemed to be coming good.
This girl holds my heart in her hands, and she’s squishing it to nothing with her confession.
“You know how I feel about cheating,” I say, eventually lifting my head to look at her. Moisture rims the corners of her eyes. “After everything I told you about my dad! It’s the one hard and fast rule I have. No matter how much of a douche I was to girls in the past, I never ever cheated on anyone. If I felt like it, then I did the right thing—I broke it off. I can’t believe you’ve done this.”
“I regret my actions so much. If I could go back in time, it wouldn’t have happened.” She pinches the bridge of her nose.
“Except we don’t have a time machine and we can’t change the facts. You betrayed me.” She sucks in a sharp gasp at the word. “With him.”
“It made no difference. It’s you I want.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Were you that unsure of your feelings for me that you needed to put it to the test?” Anger claws at the edge of my sanity.
“No, it wasn’t like that at all.” She huffs out a sigh.
“Then what was it? Because I’m really struggling to understand. You told me you felt love toward him but you were in love with me. Was that a lie too?” Crackling pain rattles through my skull.
“No. I meant what I said. Zane and I had a relationship that grew out of a friendship cultivated over years. We know each other inside and out. Even though I didn’t remember that, I still felt a pull toward him.” I bury my chin in my knees and dig my nails into my shins. I resist the temptation to stab my fingers in my ears.
She pierces me with a direct stare as she continues talking, never once averting her eyes from mine. “Now that I remember everything, it makes more sense.” I harrumph. “For as long as I can remember, Zane’s been there for me. Always protecting me, always my go-to person. It was that innate neediness that continued to draw me to him. I didn’t question that in Saoirse. I slotted back into that pattern without hesitation.” I grimace. “It was only when I went to Greece and properly reflected on it that I realized it’s a different kind of love. Still meaningful, but not what you and I share. I can’t lie, a part of me will always love Zane, but the love I have in my heart for you is stronger. It’s you I desire a future with. I don’t know if I’m explaining it properly, but I hope you understand and that you can forgive me. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure it all out, but I know what I want, and it’s you. Only ever you. I love you and I want to be with you, if it’s not too late.”
I hear what she’s saying, and I see it written in the pl
eading look on her face. But I can’t get over the fact that she still loves him and she’s acted on that. How can I ever trust her around him again? Or trust her, period. To some, sharing kisses might not mean that much. But to me, it’s everything, and I don’t know if I can move past that.
Pushing off my one functional elbow, I rise unsteadily. She straightens up beside me, her face still exploring mine. The worried look on her face tells me she feels all that I’m feeling. It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a precipice, contemplating the sheer drop below, wondering whether I have the guts to throw myself into the abyss or if I’ll chicken out and fall back. This isn’t any decision that can be taken lightly. So I tell her that. “I need time to work out how I feel about this. To decide whether I can forgive you for it or if it’s already struck the death-knell. You’ve really hurt me this time.”
Her hand fastens around my arm. “I hate myself for that.”
“I can tell that you do,” I say, removing her hand from my arm as tingles of awareness lance my skin. “But it’s of little consolation to me now. Pity you didn’t think of the consequences before acting on your neediness for him.”
She gasps sharply. Clutching her fingertips to her temples, she closes her eyes briefly. When they open, all the tiny hairs on my arm raise in alarm. “What?” I take a step toward her.
“I let my emotions cloud my mind!” she shrieks, bending down and retrieving our backpacks. “I should’ve seen them coming.” She shoves my backpack into my chest.
“Who’s coming?” I toss the bag over my good shoulder.
“Government soldiers. They’re climbing the other side of the hill as we speak.”
“Damn!” I unzip the bag and reach for my weapon, but her hand wraps around my wrist.
“It’s too late for that. We’re completely outnumbered. I’ll figure something out. Just hold my hand and brace yourself.”
Zipping the backpack, I slide it over my shoulder and take her offered hand. Several dark heads appear at the top of the hill and I curse under my breath. Ariana’s eyes are closed and her forehead creases in fierce concentration. The ground starts to tremble under my feet, and a fault line appears in the grass, weaving a quick path toward the hill. As I drag my gaze up, I count ten armed soldiers mounting the top of the hill. All their weapons are fixated on us. “Any time now, Ariana,” I whisper.
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