Room to Breathe

by Liz Talley

  But her concerns were silly. She and Josh had chosen each other for a reason, and that knowledge would get them through every bump in the road. This was where she differed from her parents. Daphne and Rex had had to get married. That was the way they did things back in the day, but Ellery and Josh had weeded through a lot of wrong ones to find the person who would suit them best. They balanced each other and complemented each other. On paper and in life, they made sense.

  Ellery sucked in a deep breath and smiled at everyone at the table. “Josh and Mia are here. I think it’s time we order and get this weekend started.”

  “Finally—I’m starving,” Claire said, shoving the empty bread basket to the center of the table and looking up at the waitress. “I’m ready to order.”

  Ellery looked over as Mia and Josh appeared in the doorway. Her fiancé looked gorgeous in a cashmere sweater and jeans that hugged his frame. His blond hair glinted in the flickering light cast from the fireplace. This was a beautiful man.

  And he loved her. Or at least Ellery thought he did.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Evan,

  I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward. It’s awkward for me, too, and there are so many things I want to say to you, but I haven’t had the courage. Sometimes I don’t know myself . . . or why I do the things I do. Let’s set aside time to talk, and then maybe you’ll understand why I didn’t tell you I was coming to the vineyard. Would you come to the party? I’ll make sure we have time to talk. Again, sorry for the confusion.

  Dee Dee

  Ellery tossed her phone on the dresser, ran her fingers through her hair, and contemplated the turned-down bed in the room she was sharing with her fiancé. It was nearly eleven o’clock, and she’d expected Josh to be back at the rental house by now.

  After dinner they’d all gone to the small bar off the restaurant to have an after-dinner drink. Ellery was surprised to find Clay Caldwell there. Seemed Madison had invited him when she’d run into him at Elmo’s Bar last week. Ellery couldn’t think why he would want to come for her birthday party outside of him being bored with his regular scene. But whatever. All the guys stayed behind to have one more bourbon before turning in, which suited Ellery fine because she wanted to shower, dab some perfume between her breasts, and be absolutely prepared for seduction when Josh locked their bedroom door.

  She’d been sitting there for the last twenty minutes, trying to figure out how to get the party in their bedroom started. Sliding into bed and reading by the soft lamplight would look as if she weren’t waiting to sex him up. He might not get the idea. But then again, hiding the sexy dominatrix-vibe lingerie beneath the demure robe could make for a naughty surprise. Or she could toss the satin robe aside and spread herself out on top of the coverlet. Obvious, true, but the leather bustier and fishnet stockings held up by the satin garters showed a lot of flesh. He’d be stupid not to understand her intentions. The downside was she’d never role-played anything remotely BDSM. Either Josh would jump her bones . . . or run.

  Picking up the phone, she checked her texts for the third time in five minutes.

  Clicking his name, she read the last text she’d sent him again. Coming to bed soon? Key word is coming.

  Josh had responded with a kitty cat emoji and a high five. Seemed promising.

  Ellery went to the antique dresser and fluffed her hair, then wriggled her breasts up in the bustier, turning to make sure her ass looked firm and high. Check. Check. Check.

  She could hear her friends laughing outside in the common area as they watched late-night television and drank wine. Usually she would stay up with them and talk the night away, but Ellery had confided to Madison that she needed some alone time with Josh. So when they’d arrived back at the rental after having a final glass of wine—that Ellery really hadn’t needed—she’d said good night and slipped into the master suite. And now she was waiting, slightly drunk and bored.

  She could always pull off the uncomfortable lingerie and join her friends, but she wasn’t going to surrender an opportunity for intimacy with Josh. They needed to reconnect on all levels, and sex would be a good start. But what if he didn’t like the racy thong and bustier she wore? Some guys weren’t into black leather. Josh liked the fantasy of her being a nerdy, smart type. He loved when she wore his button-down shirt and little else. He’d gone nuts when she’d once worn a man’s sleeveless undershirt and barely there panties. She may have gotten everything wrong tonight with the heels and leather.

  But shouldn’t she already know what turned her man on? Maybe or maybe not. They’d dated for a year and a half, and sex had always been good. Well, as far as she knew. She’d never had it with anyone other than Josh. Many people would find that surprising because she’d dated a lot of guys, but she’d never been willing to give her virginity away to someone she wasn’t committed to. She hadn’t wanted to end up like her mother and father—forced to marry. When she gave herself to a man, it would be forever.

  Ellery looked around the room, catching sight of Josh’s backpack.

  Hmm . . . he, unlike her, probably had his laptop with him.

  Porn. Most guys watched it, didn’t they? And in her limited experience in viewing it, she knew they catered to all sorts of fantasies, like big boobs, older women, or even lactation. Of course, if any of those were Josh’s thing, he’d be out of luck. A guy in her finite math class had admitted to having a thing for pantyhose. She’d had a fascinating and eye-opening discussion with him about how all guys (and some girls) had things they were into, whether it was feet, lesbians, or redheads. Ellery had done a little research that night and had been shocked at what was out there.

  So what was Josh’s true fantasy?

  If she could find out, there was a possibility she could make it happen.

  But that would be wrong. It felt skeevy going through his web browser. Still, some women did it. One of her friends had told her she’d once spied on her boyfriend to see what he liked in bed, and their relationship had been better for it. Ellery wasn’t sure she had time to figure out Josh’s fantasy trigger, but she could try. It would either pay off in a sexy dividend or be a huge invasion of privacy.

  Do or die, Elle.

  Ellery slipped over to the bedroom door and locked it. If she was going to snoop, she didn’t want him to stumble in on her. No need to kill the mood and start a fight. She might not find anything anyway. Josh didn’t strike her as the type to have a porn habit. He was too busy studying and bonding with his fellow future doctors. Besides, if he caught her, she could say her computer had died and she needed to fire off an email or two.

  Lying already?

  Ellery waved away the imaginary angel with her hands folded in prayer perched on her shoulder. Instead she embraced the sexy little devil on the other shoulder, who said, “Find his perversion and use it.” So she grabbed his backpack and pulled out his MacBook Air.

  When she opened it, she faced a password page.

  Damn it.

  What would his password be?

  His dog from childhood. What was his name? Grover? Homer? No, it was Howard. Ellery typed in Howard and pressed ENTER.

  Nope.

  HOWARD0206

  Nope.

  Not a dog. What else would he use? She tried a few more birthday-pet-family-member names before smiling to herself.

  DOCTORPRINCE0206

  Bingo. His dream job plus his birth date worked like a charm. His homepage came up, and she clicked on his browser history. A bunch of searches for medical jargon and research stuff came up. She scrolled down. Nothing that looked like porn. Part of her was relieved that he wasn’t looking at porn all the time. If she’d found a bunch of sites listed and paired that with the fact they hadn’t had sex in a long time, she’d be worried. But nothing looked remotely alarming other than he’d gone to Nordstrom a lot.

  Before she shut his computer, she clicked on his bookmarks. Lots of research, stores, Facebook, etc. A few popular sites
like YouTube and a luxury-car forum. Nothing, really. On a whim she clicked on his iCloud. Lots of medical papers and notes. Then she saw a video clip titled “The Experiment.” Ellery frowned at the title because it was an odd way to phrase it. Something tingled at the base of her spine.

  She hovered the arrow over the file and clicked.

  A window opened to a video that looked to be filmed with an iPhone, grainy because it was dark in the room. Someone stepped into the shot and sat on a bed. He was a big guy, who wore scrub pants and had a broad, hairy, muscular chest. She squinted at the footage, trying to recognize the man and process the location, but she recognized neither. She turned up the volume but could only hear the rustle of movement in the background. The man on the bed crooked his finger to someone out of the shot. Another man, this one slightly built, stepped into the shot. The footage was blurry enough that she couldn’t tell much about the new guy, but his hair looked lighter beneath the baseball cap he wore. From what she could tell, he wore a dark sweatshirt. This guy immediately sank on his knees in front of the larger man. The man on the bed reached out and tenderly cupped the other man’s head while at the same time tugging the drawstrings of his scrubs. The man kneeling reached out and pulled the man’s pants down so that an enormous erection sprang loose.

  Ellery gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Take it all, baby,” the guy said, grabbing the kneeling man’s neck and pulling his head toward his jutting—

  “Oh God,” Ellery said, slamming the computer shut. She shoved the computer across the bed and stared wide eyed at her reflection in the mirror of the dresser. Ellery looked as if she’d seen a ghost . . . or a video of one man giving another man a blow job.

  Wait, she couldn’t leave the video open. She had to close it, or Josh would know she’d found the naughty file on his computer. God, just what had she found?

  Was the guy kneeling Josh?

  “No, it can’t be,” she whispered, pulling the laptop back so it sat in front of her.

  Josh wasn’t gay. They’d had sex, and she would know if he were. Besides, Josh never wore ball caps. He said they were for guys who had bad hair, and she was certain the only sweatshirt he had was one from Harvard that his best friend from high school had sent him. No. That guy couldn’t be Josh. But was the bigger guy his friend Drew? He sort of looked like Josh’s study partner, but she couldn’t tell for certain.

  She opened the computer, and the window popped back up. She clicked the video off and closed the browser. Part of her wanted to watch the entire video to see if she knew either of the guys. The other part of her wished she’d settled for getting into bed and reading. She’d listened to the devil on her shoulder, and this was what a gal got when she went snooping under the pretense of trying to please her boyfriend.

  Gay porn?

  Was it that big of a deal? She’d seen lesbian porn before, but that didn’t mean she was gay. She’d been curious, was all. Maybe that was what the video was for Josh? A curiosity. Or it could have been something someone sent him as a joke? Here’s what doctors have to do to get ahead. Pun intended. Or wait, what if the video was blackmail? Maybe someone had caught another student engaging in such behavior . . . but, no, was being gay and filming sex a blackmailable offense? Not in 2019.

  Ellery jumped off the bed, shoved the computer back into Josh’s backpack, and zipped it closed.

  Again, she saw herself in the mirror. She stood there looking like most men’s wet dream. Boobs spilling over the bustier, legs clad in the ridiculous and tacky fishnet hose. The mouth she’d painted red looked garish against the paleness of her shocked face. Panic rolled over her, threatening to smother her. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe.

  “Holy shit, Elle,” she whispered, sucking in big gulps of air.

  Ellery dashed toward her open suitcase, grabbed a fuzzy hoodie, and pulled it on. Then she riffled through her clothes and found a pair of baggy gym shorts and wriggled them over her fishnets. Shoving her feet into her UGGs, she grabbed a ponytail holder and her phone and slipped out onto the small private patio off their bedroom.

  Outside the stars sparkled, unaware Ellery had just found gay porn on her fiancé’s computer. Bastard twinkling stars. How dare they look so happy against the Texas sky.

  At least out here she could breathe. She sucked in the cool air and squeezed her eyes shut, begging the horrible crushing anxiety to stay away. Before she could think better of it, she jabbed her phone into her hoodie pocket and started walking. Her feet led her onto grass that was dying but not crunchy—the pine needles made a soft carpet, so her footfalls were silent as she rounded the house. She didn’t want to go toward the bed and breakfast. People were there laughing and drinking. No, she needed some time to think. To figure out what that video meant. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it meant everything.

  She headed toward the path she’d taken earlier in the day. Yeah, she would be trespassing, but at that moment she didn’t care. That small patch of heaven beside the small lake would isolate her from everything, give her a place to think . . . give her a place to hide.

  Her breath came in small puffs as she climbed the hill. It was chilly out, and she should have been shivering in the damp coolness, but she wasn’t. Her body felt on fire, flushed from the knowledge that something was off. Or not. God, she didn’t know. Maybe what she’d seen was no big deal, something they’d laugh about and tell friends at dinner parties.

  One time, my friend sent me a crazy video as a joke, and this woman here—Josh would jab his thumb toward her—thought I was gay. Can you imagine? Then everyone would laugh, and Ellery would shrug and roll her eyes.

  God, she hoped that was what it was.

  No big deal.

  When she got to the top, she angled toward the area she’d gone to earlier, the place where Gage had found her and forced her to abandon. She ground her heels against the earth as she made her way down so she wouldn’t take a tumble. No one needed to find her body the next morning. Especially since she still wore her bustier and fishnet stockings beneath her mismatching Tri Delt hoodie and shorts. Her corpse would look like a hooker collided with a sorority girl.

  “Hey, hey, stop,” a voice called from behind her.

  Ellery turned to see Gage standing at the top of the hill.

  “Damn it,” she uttered under her breath. She didn’t stop. Just kept trucking toward the lake.

  “I told you that—”

  Ellery lifted her arm and gave him the finger. And kept going. If Gage didn’t want her to sit by the lake and figure out her goddamned life, then he could put her under citizen’s arrest. Drag her kicking and screaming off the private property. But she wasn’t going willingly. Nope. Not this time. She’d be a bad guest.

  “Ellery,” he called. She could hear him coming after her, and that pissed her off. What the hell did he care if she took a moment for herself in the quiet Texas wilderness? Okay, semiwilderness. She doubted there were any coyote packs running around ready to dine on blonde au gratin. Bobcats were lone creatures, and she could probably survive one of them ambushing her. Snakes were snug in their snake beds. She wasn’t going to jump in the lake and drown. So why didn’t he turn around and go pour some wine for tourists and leave her the hell alone?

  “Hey, Ellery,” he said, catching her elbow.

  She spun around and growled between her teeth, “What?”

  His eyes widened. “What’s up with you?”

  “Nothing. I need some time alone. So go do whatever it is you do, and leave me alone. I won’t trample the flowers or steal a cutting or whatever people do to steal grapes. Just let me be.” She turned back toward the lake, knowing her voice broke on the last sentence. She reached the place hidden by the knotty pines. The moon shone on the lake, reflecting a path on the still waters. The wind had died, and night surrounded her.

  Tears had gathered in her eyes, but she wiped them away. She wasn’t going to cry in front of stupid Gage. He didn’t like her. Disapproved of
her. Made her prickly and defensive. So, no, she was not going to give him the pleasure of knowing she was about to fall apart.

  But, of course, he didn’t listen. Because she could feel him standing to her right, silent and perplexed at this defiant princess flipping him off and then allowing her stupid emotions to get away from her.

  “You must need a doctor to check your ears. I told you I wanted to be alone,” she said, not turning toward him. She didn’t want him there.

  “And I told you that you’re trespassing.”

  “So sue me. Arrest me. Call the police. I don’t care.”

  He moved closer. “I could do that, but all those flashing lights and depositions are such a drag.”

  “Who says something’s a drag? What are you? From a fifties time warp?” she said, glancing over at him, trying to get him to feel her displeasure at his presence. “And how is it you are the one who keeps finding me, huh? Stalk people much?”

  “I was on my way back to my place when I saw you climbing the path again. You’re wearing a light-blue sweatshirt.”

  Ellery turned her attention back to the lake and said nothing. So she had worn something not so covert. She hadn’t been thinking about subterfuge. Just getting out of the room and breathing the cool air.

  He moved to stand beside her, and they both stared out at the lake. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave or toss her over his shoulder and haul her out. Instead he stood, hands tucked into his jeans pockets. The coolness of the air brought a crispness to the contrast between the water and bushes embracing it, and the moon seemed benevolent, as if pleased to cast some of the darkness out. In the center of the lake, a fish broke the surface, making ripples in the stillness.