Should she go with Papa into the unknown, or should she stay here in Tobolsk with us and, more importantly, with Alexey, who was ill again? He had developed a miserable cold and cough, and the violence of his coughing had caused him to suffer a haemorrhage in his groin. Dr. Derevenko had quickly confined Alexey, in the most excruciating pain to bed, and Olga had overheard him whispering to Mama that he feared that Alexey would not recover from this particularly bad attack.
'I just can't care properly for him here.' He raged. 'Not without access to the specialist equipment and medicine he needs.'
Olga turned her head to hide her tears as she heard Alexey say, 'I would like to die, Mama. I'm not afraid of death. I'm so afraid of what they may do to us here.'
And while she knew it was his pain talking, Olga also knew that this would just make it that much harder for Mama to make her decision
In the end, Mama chose to go with Papa. She cried uncontrollably when she told us of her choice.
'This is the most difficult moment for me. You know what my son means to me. And now I have to choose between my son and my husband. But I have made my decision, and I have to be strong. I must leave my boy and share my life, or my death with my husband'.
'One of us must come with you, Mama, to keep you company and to assist you in case you are unwell.' Tatiana stated, looking at us for approval. And so, it was decided that Maria should go, with everyone agreeing that Maria would be the one who would have the most calming influence on Mama if things were terribly wrong.
Olga understood why she had not been chosen; her health was still fragile, and her expertise was needed to help nurse Alexey, but it did not stop her from feeling again the sense that she was not fulfilling her obligations and responsibilities as the eldest; that Maria, at only eighteen, was considered to be more useful.
'I am glad that you are staying here with me, Olga.' Tatiana said. 'if I am to be in charge of running the household while Mama is away, and Anastasia, the clown is to stay to make us all laugh, then I am going to need your help!'
She knew that Tatiana was only trying to cheer her up, and she appreciated her effort. Deep inside, Tatya's words had not been enough to dispel her feelings of shame, inadequacy, and the never-ending gloom.
'It won't be for long anyway,' said Papa cheerfully. 'Three weeks at the most the man said, once Alexey is well enough to travel safely, and then you'll be sent for to join us.'
Their last afternoon and evening together were dismal. Mama and Papa spent most of their time with Alexey, and they spent that last dinner silently, barely touching the food, Mama constantly weeping at the thought of leaving them.
The following morning while it was still dark, everyone gathered in the hallway to say goodbye.
'Here, Mashka, take this!' Anastasia laughed as she pushed a small package into the pocket of Maria's long Persian lamb coat. 'It's the photograph that M. Gilliard took of us all when we all shaved our heads after the measles! Remember? I thought you might like to look at it on your journey to remind you that I am the most beautiful one of the family!'
Papa laughed. "You really are the family clown, Shvybzik. I am going to miss your dreadful jokes!'
'Please don't forget about your studies with Mr. Gibbes children, and Olga, keep practicing your French. I shall miss you reading to me! Mama cried as she, Papa, and Maria made their way out of the warm house into the icy cold morning where the carriages awaited them.
Olga hugged and kissed them for as hard and as long as she could, before finally letting go and watching them as they climbed inside and drove away down the long drive, followed by a second carriage which took Dr. Botkin, Anna Demidova, Prince Dolgorukov Mr. Chemedurov and Ivan Sednev away with them. Their mounted escort of Red Army guards clattered noisily behind,
She watched until the carriages and horsemen had disappeared into the cold grey dawn, before turning and linking arms with her two remaining sisters, and walking back into the house.
The house fell silent and empty after that. She knew that was a silly thought because it was still full of people, her brother and sisters, and the rest of their household, but nevertheless, the absence of Mama and Papa made it feel wrong, and everyone crept around as though they were in mourning.
Their bedroom seemed desolate without Maria's presence. Olga sat on her bed, looking at Maria's vacant corner, her empty bed with the empty chair at its foot. Maria had packed and taken with her all of her personal things; her books and papers from their communal table, and her knickknacks, photographs, and icons, and her bedside table stood stark and empty, a constant reminder to Olga that one was missing.
'We should move Alexey's bed in here.' Tatiana said, and it was done. Having him in with them and close by all of the time helped to ease some of the ache she felt at her loss. It was also so much easier for her to tend to Alexey during the night if he called out or could not sleep, and needed her to read or just talk to him.
Before she had left, Mama had given them the urgent task of "disposing of the medicines." This was Mama's secret code for them to sew the remaining jewels; diamonds, pearls, sapphires, either loose or mounted in bracelets and necklaces, into their clothing, particularly their undergarments, and hats.
'Make sure that you hide the larger stones under buttons.' Tatiana instructed them as they sat sewing. 'They are easier to hide there.' Olga found the task of sewing to be soothing and enjoyed watching her needle do its work, in and out, while chatting quietly to her sisters, talking with Alexey, and trying to keep him amused and distracted from his constant pain. Slowly but surely, the pile of shining, glimmering precious jewels began to disappear.
Her passage out of here, she thought.
The letters from Mama and Maria telling them that they were safe came as a huge relief, although at the same time provided them with more to worry about as it was evident that they were still travelling, and were still not clear about where it was they were being taken. The travellers had been forced to journey overland as the rivers were still frozen and, therefore inaccessible, over dreadful roads and flooded rivers, and then eventually, thankfully, transferred to the relative comfort of a train. Maria wrote that "Mama's heart is hurting very much." from travelling along the terrible roads.
'They have not been taken to Moscow after all.' Olga said, reading aloud from a telegram they had just received a week after their parent's departure. 'But have been taken to Ekaterinburg, in the Western Urals.' She looked up from the sheet of paper, her hands trembling, and met Tatiana's worried eyes. Without knowing why this news had sent a tremor of dread through her.
Her dread remained, and the letter from Maria received a few days later did nothing to dispel her fears. "We miss our quiet and peaceful life in Tobolsk. Here there are unpleasant surprises every day."
'The situation in Ekaterinburg sounds awful.' Tatiana said after reading Maria's letter. 'I hope it will not be too much longer before we are sent to join them. I am so worried about them all.
'Well, Alexey.' Anastasia joked. 'You must hurry up and get well so that we can travel to Ekaterinburg too! Look on this map, it's not so very far from here!'
Olga spent her days taking care of the medicines, sitting reading and playing with Alexey, who was slowly getting better and regaining some strength, and writing long letters to Mama and Maria.
She tried to sound as happy and cheerful as she could in her letters, telling them all about her day, her activities, and how very much she loved and missed them, as she tried not to let the big black cloud that continually followed her dominate her entire existence.
"Mama, dear soul." She wrote. "How we miss you! In every way. It is so empty. Every now and then, I go into your room, and then I feel as though you are there, and that is so comforting."
The more she missed the rest of her family, the more she found herself thinking about Mitya, the mantra running through her head; "he will find me; he will come for me.” She held onto this as tightly as if it was one of her Mama's precious gems
.
For the very first time in her life, the family was not together to celebrate Easter, and this was especially hard for her. They did their best to make sure that everything was done just the way it would have been had Mama been there; they decorated their small chapel with pine and flowers and potted plants. Anastasia was in charge of making sure the dogs didn't get too excited and cause too much damage.
She wrote, "It is terrible not to be together and not to know how you really are, for we are told so many different things. We would so like to know how you have celebrated this Feast of Light and what you are doing."
The arrival of a new set of guards on May 17, set off further alarms. Olga considered them to be a cruel, dirty, and ragged bunch, and they soon began to make life difficult and uncomfortable for the household, forcing daily roll calls and preventing her and her sisters from going outside unless they had asked permission first. For the first time since she had been at Tobolsk, Olga did not feel that she was safe.
Against Olga and Tatiana's advice, it was deemed that Alexey was now well enough to travel, and as the ice in the Irtysh River had now melted enough to allow ships passage to Tyumen again, they were told that they needed to quickly pack up the rest of their things in preparation for their journey to Ekaterinburg.
'Everything looks so empty without the pictures.' Alexey complained sadly, gazing at the bare walls. He was still frail and unable to sit up, and Olga worried what effects the long journey ahead would have on him.
Their last farewell lunch and dinner with their staff, was another miserable affair, and her stomach felt so knotted with fear and dread, Olga could barely touch her food, and then the following morning, they were taken to the landing station to meet their ship.
'Look, it's the good old Rus! Exclaimed Anastasia happily when they saw they would be sailing on her again.
As she boarded, Olga caught a glimpse of herself reflected in a dockyard window. She was neither shocked or surprised at what she saw; she looked and felt like a woman much older than she actually was, and more like a sad, aged housewife.
The only thing that kept her going during the long unbearable two days that it took the Rus to traverse the Tobol and then onto the Iset river towards Ekaterinburg was the thought of her family all being reunited again. She was terrified of the guards and felt constantly humiliated by their words and actions. She was not allowed to close her cabin door at night, the guards remained outside all night, and she as she could not bear the thought of getting undressed with them leering at her, she remained fully clothed at night. She could not sleep for fear of waking up with someone in her cabin, and felt dirty and sullied, abused in ways she never knew existed.
While sitting with Alexey one day, a guard rushed over and took a photograph of them both. She flinched as he took the shot, trying to escape the prying lens of the camera, willing him to leave her 5alone.
She prayed for their arrival and to leave the ship as she did not think that she could endure anymore.
Thirteen
Tobolsk, Western Siberia, Russia
1991
The following few days at the morgue were uneventful; they went about their usual tasks of putting the skeletons together and mindful of Katya's pleas, did not discuss the matters she had raised with anyone. May caught Agni gazing at Nikhil with an intense look of puzzlement on a couple of occasions, but that was all.
May and Agni arranged to meet in the restaurant for dinner at seven as usual. Katya had given her apologies, saying she was meeting friends for dinner, and May enjoyed her nightly soak in the bath, enjoying the feel of the hot water ease the knots of tension that had formed in her neck and shoulders. As she soaked, May found herself thinking about Tobolsk, and what she knew of the time that Olga and her family had spent there, wondering if the house they had lived in was still standing and if so and whether it would be possible to visit it, or to even go inside.
She waited until they had almost finished eating before asking him, 'Agni, how long does it take to get from here to Tobolsk?'
'Tobolsk? In Western Siberia? About seven hours by car I would say, quicker by air. Why?' He put his fork down and gazed at her thoughtfully. She had an idea that he half knew why she was asking anyway.
'I'd like to go; would you be able to take me?'
'Why?' he repeated.
'Well,' she took a deep breath, 'I read in my book, and we have talked a few times about the eight months or so that the Romanov family were imprisoned there in the Governor's House before coming here.'
'We have, yes.'
'I've been wondering if the house is still there. I'd like to see it if it is and go inside if it's possible. I have no particular reason for wanting to go; maybe it's research, or just out of interest. It might help me to join up the dots. I've seen where they lived here and would like to see where they lived there if I can.' She shrugged; not sure what else she could say.
He was silent for a long time, so long that May worried that he was going to refuse, tell her she was being fanciful, or wasting time, change the subject, or worse, get up and leave.
'All right. I know for a fact that the house is still there, and I think it's a great idea. When do you want to go?'
She felt almost dizzy with happiness. She would have considered going on her own had Agni refused, but she really wanted him to come with her. She liked having him around, enjoying his company. His quiet strength and kindness soothed her.
'I thought we could get there and back before the Americans arrive next week. I can make some excuse to Nikhil; say I need to do some research or something and that I need your assistance - '
'I don't need to ask Nikhil for his permission.' Agni interrupted.
'No, of course not, I just thought it might sound like a logical reason if we were both to leave at the same time. I'm sure that Nikhil will manage without us for a few days, most of the bone reconstruction is finished, and I don't think he wants to do too much more until he has conferred with the Americans.'
'Three days at the most.' Agni pondered. 'A day to get there, one day at Tobolsk and a days' drive back.'
'Wouldn't you prefer to fly? I'm sure that James would be happy to approve it.'
He laughed, throwing his head back. 'I don't fly unless I absolutely have to May.'
'Really?' she laughed too. 'I didn't know that about you.'
He was suddenly serious, regarding her at length with his intense brown eyes. 'There's a lot you don't know about me, May.'
She shivered as she looked at him, feeling as though something had changed between them, and not knowing whether she liked it or even wanted it to. Maybe it was a bad idea going away with him and planning on spending so much time alone together? Too late, she reasoned, it's done now.
'We'll go tomorrow. We can call into the lab first thing and let Nikhil and the rest of them know, then set off. Pack a bag tonight so that we don't have to come back here.'
Once he had decided, he seemed quite excited about the prospect of the trip, May thought, and she was glad that she had asked him.
They said goodnight outside of her room, and he gave her a quick peck on her cheek. She felt the soft bristles of his beard brush her face, and he smelt nice, like wood smoke and pine. It was the first time that he had done that and she decided that she liked it.
She fell asleep feeling happy and contented.
They arrived in Tobolsk at five the following evening, and Agni drove them straight to the Hotel Siberia, a grand, imposing building built of white stone, set on a wide paved street. Directly opposite the hotel was the Tobolsk Kremlin, set in acres of parkland, it too was built in the same dazzling white stone and sported, to May's delight, the famous Russian gold domes. Their drive from Ekaterinburg had been uneventful, the roads were in good order, and Agni had been the perfect travelling companion, showing her all of the sights as they passed through the different towns along the way.
From her book, she had followed the route taken by Olga and her family, altho
ugh this time, it was in reverse order. The train trip from Tyumen to Ekaterinburg, the boat trip along the Islet, Irtysh, and Tobol rivers on which the Rus took them from Tobolsk to Tyumen. She wondered what it must have been like travelling that distance more than seventy years ago, how frightening it must have been for Olga and her three siblings, not really knowing if they were going to be reunited with their parents or whether it was something else. Did she see the same things that I am seeing? May wondered.
Certainly, the railway station at Ekaterinburg couldn't have changed much, and the rivers would be the same; the most significant difference now would be the river traffic; tankers and passenger boats and the modern buildings and houses that had been built along their banks over the intervening years
Retracing Olga's footsteps made May feel even closer to her, more attuned, and she was pleased that she had made the decision to make the trip.
They had not talked any more about May's desire to travel to Tobolsk, and she was grateful that Agni had not asked her any questions. At some stage, she knew that she would have to tell him about the connection that she felt with Olga, and was unsure about how he would react. Would he think she was mad? She didn't believe that he would.
They talked instead about themselves, learning more and more about each other, their families, childhoods, hobbies, and ambitions. He was a gardener as she had first suspected, and loved being outdoors, particularly hiking and exploring the forest when he could. She was surprised that they had so much in common, not just their work, but in their personal lives as well, their likes and dislikes, hopes and fears. And of course, they discussed at length the information that Katya had told them, neither of them knowing what to make of it, but agreeing that it was disturbing and somewhat sinister.
Tired after their long journey, they enjoyed an early dinner in the hotel's dining room before agreeing to meet for breakfast at eight the following morning, and get their expedition to The Governor's House off to an early start.
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