'She told me because she knew that I was not going to be here forever. That eventually, I would return to England,' she said softly, cupping his face in the palms of her hands, 'and because she knew that once she had told me, I would have to leave and go back. Katya knew that I could not stay here, much as I may have wanted to. Her telling me also put me in danger.'
She watched the dawning comprehension register on his face and saw that he finally understood what Katya had done and why. His skin flushed, and he took a deep breath as if to speak, but she didn't let him, saying.
'Katya told me that I have to give you up Agni. She said that I have to return to my marriage and to my family and that I have to let you return to yours.'
'She had no right……'
'But she did my love, don't you see? She had every right. Dinara loves you and needs you, and my girls love and need me. We cannot be responsible for causing pain to so many people. Look at why we are here. Because of pain and suffering and families being torn apart.' She was sobbing and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks. 'I can't do that to you, and you can't do it to me. James has told me that my work here is finished and that I have to go back. That in itself would not influence my decision, but seeing others hurt or placing you in any kind of danger or trouble because of what we know does. Do you see?'
He held her close, kissing the top of her head until she had stopped crying, then gently wiped her face with his handkerchief.
'I do understand my May, I hate it, but I do understand. You are right. You need to go back, and so do I. I guess that I had always imagined that you would be here with me forever and that nothing would change.' He smiled wryly, 'but of course, nothing lasts forever, and our time, yours and mine is not now. I firmly believe that it will be but not yet.'
'Thank you, darling Agni, for understanding. I love you so much. I'll contact Leyla tomorrow and ask her to arrange my travel back for early December so that I am home in time for Christmas. That will give us another week or so here together.'
Twenty - Two
Yekaterinburg, Russia
19 March 2006
My dearest May,
Please forgive me for writing to you after so many years. I hope you do not consider this to be an unwelcome intrusion on your life.
I find myself thinking of you all the time these days, and having imaginary conversations with you in my head. This is obviously incredibly frustrating, and so I have decided to write the conversation in a letter. Whether I will ever be brave enough to send it to you, however, remains another matter.
After you left Yekaterinburg to return to London, I finished up on the Romanov project and returned to Moscow. It was as we had discussed over those last days. There was little more to be done, apart from awaiting the DNA results for final confirmation, and hand the matter over to the government for them to decide the next steps. Besides, the lab was desolate and empty without you there, with only Nikhil, Vadim, and Petya for company. Things were never the same between us as a team after Katya's death. I did not trust Nikhil, and he knew it. We spoke only briefly of the circumstances surrounding her death, and he vehemently denied any knowledge of it. I told him that I knew he had withheld vital information from us regarding the grave and prior excavations. Not surprisingly, he denied this, insinuating that Katya had lied. I was careful to make sure that he did not know it was Katya, who had given you this information. As I said, I did not trust him. I believe that he was scared and that he was too frightened to say anything to me, in case he met the same fate as Katya did. I still do not understand the secrecy, after all these years, what does it matter now?
I moved back into the apartment that Dinara and I had shared on my return to Moscow. It was sad and gloomy, and I threw myself back into my work, and that helped make things bearable. I must admit that ordinary everyday work seemed dull after the months I had spent working on the Romanov project. I don't believe that I will ever encounter anything as life-changing as that was again. I wonder if you felt the same when you returned to your work; that some excitement was missing?
I visited Dinara in the hospital every week. She had recovered well and quickly regaining her health. I was happy to know that she was becoming well again. Sadly, seeing her only reinforced how much I had fallen out of love with her; my feelings were never going to be the same. I had fallen for you, darling one, and that was the end of it. I spent hours alone in the apartment trying to figure out how I could tell Dinara this gently, without hurting or devastating her all over again. The last thing I wanted was for her to have a relapse and fall back into another deep depression.
It came as somewhat of a shock to me, to receive divorce papers from her lawyer. Dinara had formed a relationship with a man she had met in the hospital, and they wanted to get married. I had been so engrossed in my situation; I had utterly failed to see what was happening for her. I went to her again straight away, and needless to say told her I consented to the divorce. We laughed together over the irony of it; we had both been too afraid to tell each other that we loved another. Dinara remarried, and I am delighted to say now has two beautiful daughters. She is very happy. We stay in touch; I call her now and then to see how she is.
I found myself missing Yekaterinburg and decided that apart from work, there really was nothing keeping me in Moscow, so I sold the apartment and moved here permanently, hence the address at the top of this letter. I purchased a very small, comfortable apartment in a block on the outskirts of town. It's not much, but it does for me, and I managed to find myself a forensic position at the local hospital. It is dull and mundane, but I am content.
I have not stopped following the story of the Romanovs, they have got under my skin, so to speak, just as they did to you while you were here. Their story is so tragic, it can't go away.
Almost as soon as I got myself settled here, I joined up with one of the amateur groups who spend their summer weekends out in Koptyaki, searching for Maria and Alexey. I am like you and feel that I cannot rest until they are found and finally reunited with their loved ones. I enjoy my time in the forest and picture you there with me, wandering around, searching, and exploring. It is always so quiet and peaceful there, although it has changed a lot since you last saw it; the trees have grown taller and denser, and the scrub and ground cover has gone wild. I always spend a few moments paying my respects at the original gravesite. It has not been exploited for monetary or commercial gain, thank goodness. A few pilgrims visit the spot and have left only a few flowers and icons there in remembrance.
Of course, you will have heard about the results of the DNA testing, made public back in July 1993. As you and I have known all along, the results confirmed that the remains were those of Nicholas, Alexandra, and three of their daughters, and then the final official Russian confirmation that the three daughters were indeed Olga, Tatiana, and Anastasia. As well as that they confirmed the identities of Dr. Botkin. Anna Demidova, Mr. Trupp, and Mr. Kharitonov.
I was relieved, and I am sure you would have been too that the DNA testing was able to put the alternative Anastasia claims to rest, as obviously the DNA of the claimants did not match that of the remains.
I went to St. Petersburg in July 1998 for the official funerals for the family and their retainers, which were held on 17 July, exactly eighty years after their deaths. How do I describe it to you, my darling one? It was filmed, and later televised, so I am hopeful that you saw it. I am not ashamed to say that I wept throughout, and I most certainly was not the only one. I was overjoyed to see the vast crowds of people lining the streets as they paid tribute as the cortege rolled past. The magnificent St Peter and Paul Cathedral was the most fitting final resting place for them. The occasion was majestic, the singing of the choir, the great bells ringing out across the city, and the nineteen-gun farewell salute. At the very end, the caskets were lowered into the crypt, Olga first, then Anastasia, Tatiana, and lastly, Nicholas and Alexandra; draped with the Royal Banner. But, I wondered then and still do today, have w
e as a people really atoned for the terrible crime that was committed? I don't think that we ever will and that this will, as I said to you once before, a very long time ago, always be a stain on Russia's history.
You probably would have heard or read that a monastery was built on the site of the Four Brothers; now called Ganina Yama in 2000, and this is the place that most people go to remember and to pray. It is a beautiful place; they have built seven wooden churches representing each of the seven family members. I don't go there often, as it is a busy tourist spot now, but I always try to visit each year on the anniversary of the deaths. It's incredible to see May, the whole site is covered with lilies, which have been specially planted there as they represent the restored innocence of a soul at death. In July, the scent of lilies is overpowering and pervades for miles. Call me silly, because as you know, I am not a religious man, but I always make sure to buy one of the hand-embroidered icons that the nuns have made, a different one each year. I feel that it is somehow appropriate for me to do this. But for all its grandeur, with the beautifully crafted individual churches, this is not a place of remembrance. To me, that is still back in Pigs Meadow, where they were found, and where the unfinished story still lies.
And you will definitely remember the site of the Ipatiev House, where, in 2003, the beautiful Church on Blood in Honour of All Saints was built. Finally, a permanent commemoration of their memories, and again, in my view, it was built in the most apt of locations. I visit the church often, and just sit, contemplating the lives of those lost and the terrible circumstances surrounding the entire event. The church is never empty when I visit, many others worship there. You will be happy to know that the family, and in particular Olga, will never be forgotten, their memory, and what happened to them at that very place will live in our history now.
So many years have passed, and so much has happened. As it is in life, some of it has been happy and joyous, and some of it has been sad.
I am still waiting for Russia to qualify for a rugby world cup and am holding high hopes that they will do so for the tournament scheduled in 2011 in New Zealand. Who knows, perhaps I might be able to travel there and see your birthplace!
I hope that you are well my May and that you have been happy all these years. I hated sending you away, but we both know it was the right thing to do.
I love you with all my heart.
Agni.
∞ ∞ ∞
17 July 2006
London
Darling Agni,
I am so happy that you decided to post your letter to me, although from the date, it would appear that it took you some time to make your decision!
It was so good to hear from you. You, too, are in my daily thoughts. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how things might be today if we had made different decisions back in December 1991.
I was miserable for such a long time after my return to London. I have to say that it was the most dismal Christmas I have ever had! It seemed so surreal being back to my somewhat dull, mundane life after what I had experienced in Russia, and it goes without saying that I missed you with a physical ache.
It was fabulous to see my daughters again, but like you with Dinara, my feelings for Matt had changed. Meeting you and spending those short months with you showed me what having a soul mate was, and I understood then with great sadness that I did not and never did have that with Matt. We reconciled after I got back, and he moved back in, and we were happy. I never spoke to him about you. Not because I was embarrassed or ashamed or fearful of his reaction, but because I knew that I could never find the words adequate enough to describe or explain to him what you meant to me, how you touched my heart and soul in a way that no-one has done before or since.
We lost him last year; he had a sudden massive stroke, and there was nothing that could be done for him. The girls and I miss him, but life carries on. They are both married now with their own families, and as they say, time heals.
I also missed Olga terribly when I first got home, and I still do. She was so close to me in Russia, I felt her presence every second of the day; loving and gentle, but at the same time, urgent and persistent. I felt as though I had let her down by leaving, that I had left matters unfinished for her. That hurt me immensely because there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, apart from waiting here at a distance for things to happen, because I knew that eventually, they would.
I have to say though Agni, that I am horrified and so disappointed that we have still not found Maria and Alexey. When I left, I could never have dreamed that fifteen years later, they would still be missing.
I have a framed photograph of Olga in my home. It sits with all of my other family photographs, and sometimes people, especially the ones who don't know me very well, will ask me who she is. I explain to them who she is and that she is a member of my family because even though we are not related by blood, we are tied on some other level. I talk to her every day. I imagine that some people might think me mad in doing this, but I know that you, my dear Agni, will absolutely understand. How to explain what we went through those months in Ekaterinburg to anyone who wasn't there?
I envy you your work searching the forest. It must be so satisfying to be physically doing something, and yet I imagine it must be so frustrating leaving and returning home at the end of each day empty-handed.
I am still working for the Met Police, however, have reduced my hours, so life is not as hectic for me now. I spend my time pottering about in my garden, and I am writing a book! It's a memoir of my time at the Met, and I hope it will one day be helpful to others working in the field of forensics. My boss James has moved onwards and upwards, as I always knew he would. Things were a little strained between us when I first returned. I made no attempt to try to explain to him why I didn't want to come back and let him believe that it was the fear of losing my job that had eventually convinced me otherwise.
I actually saw you on television Agni, just for the briefest of moments, you were there and then gone again in a split second. It was at St Peter and Paul Cathedral at the funeral which you described so beautifully in your letter. It made me doubly happy; first that Olga and her loved ones were finally being accorded the respect that they deserved, and secondly, that you were there in person to see it. My heart stopped beating, and seeing your beloved face, even for a moment, brought me so much joy.
It was such a sad and solemn occasion, wasn't it? And yet, perversely, strangely comforting. I thought about how much the girls (not Olga, of course, because she was too grown up!), would have loved the attention of the handsome young soldiers and how OTMA would have giggled and flirted. It broke my heart as the cortege passed by the Winter Palace, knowing that was the last place the family was truly happy together before their imprisonment. Like you, Agni, I exalted at the astounding crowds lining the streets, showing their love and appreciation.
I admit that I could not watch the lowering of the caskets into the crypt because I was crying so much. I was happy that they were finally at proper rest, I knew it was never going to be a peaceful rest without Maria and Alexey.
How I hope that they are found soon and they can lie together side by side.
I have done a lot of research into the family over the last few years; the advent of the Internet has made information about them so easily accessible. They were such a close-knit family, loved each other so much, I know that they need to be resting together.
This all sounds so silly and melodramatic I know, but it is what Olga is telling me, I can sense her grief, it is like a sharp knife.
I have seen the pictures of the monastery at Ganina Yama and agree with you that it is a lovely place, and I do hope that I will be able to visit it one day, but Olga is not there Agni, she is still waiting in Koptyaki.
I wonder whatever happened to Olga's love, Mitya? I have discovered that his full name was Dmitri Shakh-Bagov; Mitya was her nickname for him. I know that she waited for him to come and rescue her, but that he didn't. After
leaving his regiment in June 1917, he was seen in Petrograd (now St Petersburg as you will know), in April 1917, nothing further was heard from him.
Like you, I noted with great interest at how the arguments about whether it was Anastasia or Maria found in the forest went on for some time, until of course, the results of the DNA testing became available, which only confirmed, once and for all, that not only was it the Romanovs in the forest grave, but the people claiming to be Anastasia or anyone else could not possibly be genuine.
It upset me greatly Agni, having seen the remains first hand and knowing about the horrific way they died and were later disposed of, to think that people would try to take advantage of the family like that, to me it was unworthy to their memories.
I was pleased to read from your letter that Dinara is well and has a new life, and how wonderful that she has become a mother! Isn't it funny how things eventually work themselves out? They say there is a reason for everything, I guess that sometimes we just have to be patient and find out for ourselves what it might be.
I hope that we can keep writing to each other; I will most certainly look forward to receiving another letter from you, and who knows, maybe in time, we can meet up again? I would love that. Possibly in New Zealand in 2011, how wonderful would that be? Sadly, I lost both my parents a couple of years ago, and I haven't been back there since their funerals. I would love to show you around my beautiful country
I love you too.
May.
Twenty-Three
Pigs Meadow, Koptyaki Forest, Yekaterinburg.
29 July 2007
The battered old Citroen drew up outside of the apartment building on the outskirts of Yekaterinburg, the driver scanning the parking area for an empty space.
'There!' shouted the driver, a burly man sporting a bald head in complete contrast to his lush curly beard. His blue eyes sparkled with delight that it was he who had first seen the space and that he had managed to beat his mate Sergey to the shout.
The Girl With the Crystal Soul Page 21