“They’re in Paris at the moment pilfering goods and terrifying the masses. I’ve told them they have to move out of the Dark Palace,” I said, hoping that answered her question.
“Excellent plan,” she said, nodding her head in approval. “I don’t believe they can be trusted with this.”
“Not to worry,” I assured her, wanting to put an end to the discussion. “Elle stabbed Gluttony in the forehead when she went for her cookie.”
“That’s my girl,” my mother said with a giggle. “It’s bad juju to screw with Fate.”
I saw an opening. I took it. “Speaking of things that are fated,” I began, incredibly relieved to stop talking about the bizarre rituals revolving around women’s periods. “Did you happen to send me a letter recently?”
Mother Nature looked perplexed. “Not that I remember. What did it say?”
“I have it right here,” I replied as I reached into my pocket and came up empty-handed. Damnit, I’d given it to Lizard since it was covered in Murry the badass’ sniff residue. “Actually, I don’t have it.”
“Why do you think it’s from me?” my mother questioned as she clapped her hands and whipped up a late afternoon tea complete with scones and cakes. “Would you like a snack?”
“No,” I said flatly. “Trying to cut back on my food poisoning.”
“That’s not nice, Lucifer,” she said with a giggle. “True though. As shocking as it is to everyone in the Universe, there are a few things I’m not perfect at.”
“Shocking,” I said with a chuckle. “The letter was a threat. Someone is trying to stop the worldwide celebration of my birthday.”
“You have a birthday?” my mother asked in total seriousness.
“Yesssss,” I hissed. “You told me the date. I would think you might have some memory of evicting me from your damn womb, mother.”
“No need to get your panties in a wad, Lucifer,” she chided with an enormous eye roll.
“I go commando,” I snapped.
“So does your father,” my mother informed me.
“Too much information,” I said, pressing the bridge of my nose and trying to wipe the appalling visual from my frontal lobe. It was clear she hadn’t written the letter if she’d forgotten I had a birthday in the first place. “April 1st is not my birthday?”
Mother Nature bit down on her bottom lip so hard I was sure she was about to chew it off of her face.
“Umm… no,” she whispered, trying unsuccessfully to bite back her laughter.
“Excuse me for a moment,” I said politely.
Standing up, I walked to the far side of the garden and set the forest surrounding Nirvana ablaze. It was the least I could do to thank my mother for lying to me.
“Better now?” she asked as she wiggled her nose and created a rainstorm to put out the fire.
“Much,” I replied. “Why would you tell me that if it wasn’t true?”
“I was joking,” Mother Nature said, still trying not to giggle. “You were being such a dick that day, I decided to pay you back. April 1st is April Fool’s Day. I thought you would know I was pulling your leg, darling.”
“Clearly, I didn’t,” I ground out through clenched teeth, trying to figure out how I could salvage the debacle with the least amount of humiliation. I’d blackmailed Astrid into planning my party. I was certain the word was out now. It would severely damage my rep to call off a party… plus, I’d be getting gifts. “Do you even remember which month I was born in?”
“At the beginning of time, we didn’t use the same calendar we use now,” she pointed out. “That’s why I’m unsure of the exact date of your or God’s birthdays.
It was a slight relief that she didn’t know my brother’s birthday either.
“So then, it could very well be April 1st?” I pressed.
My mother scrunched her nose as she considered my inquiry. “I suppose it could be,” she said. “But wouldn’t you want to pick a date not synonymous with practical jokes?”
“It’s already a holiday of sorts. Correct?”
“Yes,” she said with a grin. “Where exactly are you going with this?”
“I’ll simply steal it for myself,” I explained, warming to the idea. I owned so many media outlets, newspapers and ad agencies I could make it work.
“Darling!” Mother Nature trilled. “What a wonderful idea. It’s already on people’s radars. I think it’s a brilliant plan.”
That gave me pause. If my mother thought it was brilliant, it probably wasn’t. Most of the plans my mother hatched ended in a natural disaster. However, saving face was of utmost importance.
Shit.
“Just to be clear,” I said, wanting to get the Hell out of my mother’s neck of the Universe. “You did not write the letter telling me the birth will go unrecognized, you want to end me, and that Elle won’t get any cake?”
“Absolutely not,” my mother said, tremendously offended. “I don’t have to write letters to be threatening. I simply have to show up. And as for cake, you’re welcome to take some of the cake I made back to Elle.”
“Definitely not,” I said, standing to take my leave. “I value my balls.”
“As you should. They’re very nice balls,” my mother said.
“Let’s not talk about my balls, mother.”
“You brought them up. I just complimented them,” she shot back as if that was a reasonable response. “You should let me see the letter, Lucifer.” She took a sip of her tea and promptly spit it out. “You tend not to see the fine print. Your ego is too large.”
“I inherited it from you,” I said.
“Touché,” she said with a smile. “Be that as it may, you should let me read the letter.”
“It’s been read by others who have come to the same conclusion,” I told her.
“Who?”
“Lizard and a Dragon named Murry.”
“Dragons still exist?” she questioned. “I thought they were extinct.”
“I believed them to be myth,” I said. “However, there is an illiterate badass with a mullet called Murry and his mother, Mammy.”
Mother Nature gasped and clasped her hands to her chest. “Did you say Mammy?”
“I did,” I replied, giving her an odd look.
“Tiny little thing? Likes to trim nether regions? One of the most dangerous Immortal assassins alive?”
“Yes. Yes. And absolutely not. Mammy comes up to my hip and uses a cane to walk for the love of everything ridiculous,” I snapped. “If she’s an assassin, I’m a saint.”
“Then you should probably call your brother and prepare for beatification of your sainthood, darling,” my mother said with a giggle. “Mammy’s a killer. Where is she, by the way?”
“Tennessee,” I said, unable to take in all the bizarre information that had been thrown at me today. Between the odd female ritual of celebrating each other’s lady times to the alarming news that Mammy was a killer who made beans-n-franks, I was pretty much done. “She wants to come to Hell and open a Ball Shop.”
“Hmm…” my mother said, mulling over the unnerving possibility of Mammy in Hell. “I suppose it’s not a bad fit. However, last time I saw her she was as blind as a bat. If I were you, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near your balls. As I said before, yours are very nice.”
Shoving my hands in my pockets so I didn’t electrocute my mother for mentioning my balls yet again, I nodded curtly. “Fine point. Well made. If the need arises, I shall read you the letter.”
“You’re welcome,” she said with a wink.
“I didn’t say thank you,” I replied.
“You didn’t have to, sweetheart. I can feel it. I’m your mother.”
And on that note, I left in a cloud of glittering black mist. I was tempted to actually say thank you to my mother. I needed to get back to Hell. Even stabbing myself was preferable to being polite.
My asshole reputation was being systematically shredded.
Chapter Seven
&
nbsp; “I love you, you terrible man,” Elle whispered as she began to fall asleep in my arms.
“And I, you. Always, my deceitful beauty,” I said, sending a thank you to everything evil that Elle hadn’t tried to remove my balls.
There had been a tense moment earlier when she’d requested a butter knife to put jelly on her pizza. Thankfully, she smeared the pizza with the raspberry preserves and laid the knife back down. I hadn’t even had to stab myself this evening. It was a win-win.
The beans-n-franks had been a huge hit. Elle wanted more. As dreadful as the idea was, I’d sent for Mammy to come to Hell. Mammy had only been in Hell for a few hours and the entire kitchen staff of the Dark Palace had quit after she’d de-haired them.
To make matters worse, I still didn’t have a suspect in custody. Murry the badass had sniffed half the female Demons in Hell upon his arrival. He’d come up empty thus far. The Dragon had suffered a concussion, a broken nose and a severed leg. However, Murry was not put off by the violence—told me he’d quite enjoyed the female attention. The Dragon was an idiot. Maybe Mammy was an assassin and he was used to it. Or maybe my mother was nuts and her information was incorrect.
Wait, my mother was nuts.
Hell, I needed sleep and I needed my Siren. Elle seemed even rounder than she was this morning, but again, I found it wildly arousing. She could grow as big as a house, and I’d still hang on her every word and desire her until the end of time.
“Lucifer,” Elle said, yawning as she snuggled closer. “Martha and Jane brought someone here they want you to meet.”
“Here? In Hell?” I questioned. “How did they bring someone to Hell without my knowledge?”
“Yes, yes, and I don’t know. After a long discussion about cheeseburger sex, me explaining my need to tear your head from your body and a concert by the gals that made my ears bleed, Jane left for a bit and brought back a friend. Maybe it’s the illustrious Aunt Flow,” she said, barely able to stay awake.
While I was tremendously curious what cheeseburger sex entailed, I almost screamed at the mention of Aunt Flow. Was the woman real? Had they decapitated Aunt Flow and brought back her head to earn a favor from the Devil?
The heinous possibilities were endless. It brought a smile to my lips.
“Did you meet this friend?” I asked as I played with Elle’s hair the way she loved.
“No. Tomorrow. We will both meet her tomorrow,” she said. “Have to sleep. So darn tired.”
“Sleep, my lover,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head and closing my eyes.
Today had been excruciatingly long. Some shut-eye sounded wonderful. If the head of Aunt Flow awaited me in the morning, the pain in my ass Vamps had indeed earned a favor.
Now, I just needed to find the one who wanted to destroy my special day.
And when I did… it would not be pleasant.
* * *
“Sire, the cleaning staff quit,” Lizard informed me with a grin.
“And this is amusing to you?” I snapped, running my hands through my hair in annoyance.
The morning had started abysmally. The entire suite reeked of the beans-n-franks that Mammy had made for Elle’s breakfast, and now I had no staff to bleach my quarters to remove the offending stench. The only upside was that Elle was delighted with the odiferous fare.
“Got it covered. Darby, Dino and Dagwood are out of the infirmary. I figured as punishment for lighting their assholes on fire, they could clean the palace until suitable hairless replacements can be bribed.”
“Hairless?” I asked, even though I didn’t want the answer.
“If we find hairless Demons, Mammy can’t trim them,” Lizard pointed out with a smirk.
“What about Dino, Darby and Dagwood?” I asked with a put-upon sigh. “Are they not in danger from Mammy’s disgusting need to render the Universe as clean as a whistle?”
“Not for a few weeks,” Lizard assured me, rolling his baseball bat in his hands. “The blaze from the anal explosion singed all the hair off the bastard’s bodies. They’re a little scabby at the moment, but no hair to be found.”
I didn’t get paid enough to deal with this shit.
“Fine,” I ground out. The day was going south fast. “Hire them and let them know my office and suite stink. That shall be first on the agenda.”
“You have a meeting in thirty minutes,” Lizard said, smacking on his ever-present wad of gum. “And Astrid is due later this afternoon to go over the details of your birthday party.”
“How do you know this?” I asked, perplexed.
I had a damned Demon who kept my schedule for me. His name escaped me at the moment, but that was irrelevant.
“Thamuz quit, so I took over.”
“Mammy?” I questioned, wondering if the fucking beans-n-franks were worth it.
“Yep, she nailed him. Rumor has it, she was goin’ for his pit hair and blew both his arms off his body,” Lizard said, shaking his head and laughing.
“None of this is funny,” I shouted, setting my desk on fire. “My womb eviction celebration is days away, and the celebration is in Hell. As of right now, the menu will consist of beans-n-franks and the Dark Palace will be filled with dust bunnies. This is not working for me.”
“The beans-n-franks are killer,” Lizard said, walking right into the blaze and trying to put out the fire with his blood-stained beret.
Snapping my fingers, I snuffed out the small inferno and blew up a computer that was annoying me. It wasn’t a large loss since there were twenty more in the office supply closet that I’d pilfered last week. It was better than blowing Lizard sky high. I didn’t have time for Lizard to go to the infirmary due to my tantrum. It seemed my staff was non-existent. Incinerating the last man standing was a bad plan.
“Speaking of killers,” I growled as I picked up my favorite stolen stapler and smiled with relief that it hadn’t melted in the fire. “Were you aware that Mammy is an assassin?”
“Holy shit on a sharp stick,” Lizard said, suitably impressed. “Mammy is that Mammy?”
“According to my mother, yes.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said, placing the blood-encrusted, fire-damaged beret back on his head.
“You already are,” I pointed out, wondering if he’d be offended if I insisted he change his outfit on a semi-regular basis.
“Already am what?” he asked, confused.
“Damned,” I replied.
Lizard chuckled and gave me a thumbs up. “You got me there, my liege.”
“Yes. I do,” I said. “And Mammy? You’ve heard of her?”
“I have, but I didn’t put it together,” Lizard replied, sitting on the edge of my charred desk. “She might come in handy if we can find the piece of crap who wants to end you and mess with your uterus day.”
I didn’t correct him. If I did, I’d have to electrocute him. Since I was short on manpower, I decided to ignore his faux pas.
“She might,” I said, waving my hand and repairing the damage I’d caused. “She might also empty Hell of all Demons in twenty-four hours.”
That certainly wouldn’t go over well to have all my Demons roaming Earth. Not that they weren’t allowed out of Hell. They were. And despite the general public believing all Demons created evil, they were wrong. Demons thrived on evil. We did not create it. Yes, we stole, lied and cheated, but we subsisted on the evil of man.
Free will gave mankind ample opportunity to be bad. And mankind could be very bad indeed. The irony was that in the end, evil was my brother’s fault. God had been the one to grant mankind free will, and it bit him in his do-gooder ass regularly. This fact warmed my black heart tremendously.
“Let me gather myself for a moment,” I said, mulling over the appalling state of Hell. “Send whomever I’m meeting with in when they arrive.”
“You’ve got it, boss,” Lizard said with a bow then quietly exited.
It was going to go up from here. It simply had to. I’d have Mammy make a vat
of beans-n-franks for Elle and then move her down to the Basement of Hell. I didn’t give a damn who she de-haired down there.
“Darling?” Elle called out as she entered the office looking more gorgeous than I’d ever seen her. Her lavender silk robe hugged her new curves and matched her eyes. Her beauty slayed me. “Your cell phone is ringing off the hook. The name that comes up is Nightmare Whackjob. Is that truly someone’s name?”
“Umm… kind of,” I said with a grin as I pulled her onto my lap and breathed her in.
Her scent was intoxicating. My body relaxed instantly, and my mind felt calm. Holding my lover was far less destructive than blowing up buildings or computers—and far more pleasurable.
“You smell good enough to eat,” I said, nibbling at her neck.
“I feel quite sexy,” she purred, pressing her lips to mine. “You don’t mind my bizarre weight gain?”
“I love it,” I said truthfully. My pants grew uncomfortably tight and visions of making love to my Siren consumed me.
And then my cell phone rang… and rang… and rang. The effect of knowing my mother was at the other end of the call was like dipping my dick in ice water.
“Is Nightmare Whackjob anyone I know?” she asked with a laugh.
“My mother,” I told her with a chuckle as I let my head fall back on my shoulders and ignored the call.
“I thought you blocked her,” Elle replied, tracing my lips with her finger.
“Yes, well, she cut a little deal and I unblocked her,” I explained. “It’s temporary.”
“You should probably call her back. It’s been ringing for an hour.”
“Shit,” I muttered, knowing Elle was correct. Hopefully, my mother had news as to how long Elle’s lady time was going to last. There was no way I was going to share that with my lover though. I could still feel the violence simmering under the surface.
“Call her and I’ll meet you back here in a few,” Elle said as she stood and moved away for me. “Martha and Jane are bringing their friend to meet us.”
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