“Cane’s fer show,” Mammy said, glaring right back at me with smoke ominously wafting from her nose. “The jig is compliments of the talented Martha and Jane. I just love them gals. I’m gonna trim them for free later as a thank you.”
The woman was terrifying.
“You do that,” I said, thinking it wouldn’t take long since the old bats were practically bald to begin with. “Murry, a gift card to Red Lobster is on the line here. I expect you to come through.”
“Ya bet yer ass I will, Lord of Dark Shit,” Murry promised. “I can taste that buttery fish right now. I love me some Red Lobster. Thinkin’ bout invitin’ one of them she-devils to partake in the hushpuppies with me. Or mebbe I’ll take you, Lord of Dark Poop. We can go on All You Can Eat Shrimp Night and get blow-it-out-yer-ass-diarrhea together. Butter can do that do a guy. Ya feel me?”
“That’s…” I was at a loss as to how to reply without laughing or incinerating him. It was rare that someone amused me while I wanted to electrocute them at the same time. “That will happen when Hell freezes over, Murry. You feel me?”
“Ya bet yer evil ass I do,” Murry said as he laughed so hard, he fell over. “If ya change yer mind lemme know.”
The Dragon definitely had balance issues—physically and mentally. No one in their right mind offered to take the Devil out for a bout of buttery food poisoning. The man was a dolt. I couldn’t believe he’d lived as long as he had.
“Are all the female Demons in Hell right now?” Mammy asked a logical question I hadn’t considered.
“No,” I said, believing Mammy might be smarter than she let on. “I shall have Lizard remedy that immediately.”
“Gonna cost ya for that suggestion,” Mammy said with a grin that made my blood run cold.
“There’s a price for everything,” I replied flatly. “What do you want?”
Mammy pretended to be deep in thought as blood-red smoke wafted from her nose and her eyes. The tactic was wonderfully horrible. I’d have to try it. The woman was dastardly.
“I wanna be a general in yer Demon Army. Me and my Murry are the only two Dragons left. Ain’t no fun tryin’ to fit in with the humans. Every time I trim one, they die. Makes me feel just awful. Down here in Hell, no matter what I blow off of a sucker, it grows back. I feel free to be me here. And I want eternal protection fer my boy. He’s a god-danged dummy, but I love him. If something happens to me, I want ya to look after Murry. He might be a brain damaged mother humper, but he’s all I got.”
“Thanks, Mammy,” Murry said, blushing under her questionable praise.
“No worries, ya little shit,” Mammy said as she snorted out a golden smoke ring that completely healed her son and lifted him back to his feet. “A momma will do anything fer her child no matter how stupid he is.”
The price was steep. Mammy drove a hard bargain. If she was indeed Mammy the Assassin, she might be an asset to my Demon Army—as long as they didn’t all quit due to being de-haired. “If Murry finds the one who penned the letter, it’s a deal. However, if you trim even one of my warriors, the deal is off. You’ve already made the entire staff in the Dark Palace resign save the twenty I found in the closet.”
“They’re gay?” Mammy asked.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Well, you said you found them in the closet. I was just asking for clarification,” she said.
Mammy was begging to be electrocuted. However, since I was unsure of her retaliation, I tamped it back.
“I have no clue if they’re gay, and I don’t care,” I snapped. “There is nothing wrong with being gay, and if you have a problem with that, you can march your homophobic ass right out of Hell right after I blast it off your body. Am I clear?” I eyed the woman with disdain. I didn’t give a flying fuck about what people liked to do in the bedroom. As long as they were loyal to me, liked to steal, lie and cheat, I was fine with them. My niece Tiara was gay and one of my favorite people—not that I would admit it. It wasn’t fitting for the Devil to show affection to anyone. She was delightfully violent, and her vocabulary was outstandingly profane. Anyone who smack talked her would die by my hand.
“Relax yer buttcrack,” Mammy cackled. “I was just askin’ cause I’m lesbianic. If there’s a good gay bar in Hell, I’d be right happy.”
“Is lesbianic even a word?” I asked, thinking the conversation couldn’t get any stranger.
“Yep,” Mammy said.
“It is not a word,” I snapped.
“Look it up, jackass,” Mammy challenged.
Pulling out my phone, I paused and eyed the crazy old Dragon. “If it’s not a word, I get to fry your ass.”
Mammy grinned at me, and her eyes lit up with delight. “And if it is a word, I get to trim you.”
Shit. While I was almost certain lesbianic wasn’t a word, I didn’t have time to be trimmed if I was wrong. Convincing Steve Perry to be my best friend while hairless didn’t sound like a good plan. I would not call Mammy’s bluff. The woman was positively diabolical. As long as my Demon Army didn’t go AWOL with Mammy in their ranks, she would be an excellent addition.
“I have no time for games right now,” I hissed as Mammy grinned from ear to ear. “Get back to work on sniffing the females. I’ll let Lizard know to call back the ones roaming Earth.”
“Yes sir, Lord of Dark Junk,” Murry said with a deep bow that sent him face first into the grass.
I hadn’t sent Mammy to the Basement. Something told me she’d be more helpful on the main level of Hell. My gut had been leading me astray as of late, but I was going with it right now. With the fate of my party on the line, I felt I had no choice. Per the letter, Elle would be empty-handed—which meant no cake for my lover. That was even more unacceptable than Steve Perry spotting a dust bunny in the Dark Palace.
The love of my evil life would never have empty hands as long as I had anything to say about it. And no female Demon was going to make that come to fruition.
Elle’s happiness was my mission in life. She was my life.
It would be over my dead body that someone would screw with that.
* * *
Lizard wound up and destroyed a priceless crystal wall sconce with a swing of his damned bat. “Can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” he roared as he went for an irreplaceable onyx statue of an orgy. “That Mammy is good.”
“Yes,” I said, grabbing the bat before I had to decapitate him for property damage. “She is, and in exchange for her suggestion, she wants to be a general in the Demon Army.”
That rendered Lizard silent for a moment. He smacked loudly on his gum as he considered the ramifications of Mammy in the ranks.
“The army will be bald,” Lizard pointed out, lovingly touching his scruffy facial hair. “Not sure that’s gonna go over well.”
“The deal is off if she de-hairs even one of my warriors,” I explained, running my hands through my own hair and wondering if I’d made a grave mistake with Mammy.
My hair was as outstanding as was the rest of me. Whatever. I’d simply decapitate the old woman if she went for one single strand on my head.
“Per my orders, all the female Demons are due back in Hell by this afternoon. Anyone who doesn’t follow orders shall be banned from Hell and hunted down. Am I clear?”
“You are, my liege. I’ll make that shit happen,” Lizard said. “What about your daughters?”
I paled a bit just thinking about the seven thorns in my ass. “What about them?”
“Are we calling them back to Hell?”
I thought about it then shook my head. “Does the gum ever fail?” I inquired. If it was foolproof, then we’d already determined the innocence of my unpleasant spawn—well, at least as far as destroying my party went. Hell only knew they were guilty of a myriad of other offenses.
“Gum never fails,” Lizard assured me, chomping away with a grin.
“Then no. We do not need to retrieve them to be sniffed by Murry. Plus, they’d probably kill him,
” I added.
Lizard nodded and shuddered. No one liked my offspring.
“What about Dixie?” Lizard asked, speaking of my eighth daughter.
“I can assure you Dixie is not involved in any way,” I said. “She’s the only good one I’ve got.”
“Couldn’t agree more, Sire,” Lizard agreed. “Nicest Demon in the Universe.”
“Yes,” I said with a shrug. “I do wish she was a little eviler, but one can’t have everything. However, her sisters more than make up for it. None of my children need to be sniffed.”
“Probably a good thing considering the Seven Deadly Sins are incarcerated in Paris for grand larceny and lewd behavior,” Lizard informed me with a chuckle.
It was lovely that someone found their antics amusing. I did not.
“What a surprise,” I said with an eye roll.
“You want ‘em bailed out for the party?” he inquired.
It was a conundrum. I really didn’t want them here, but it might look bad to Steve Perry if my evil offspring weren’t present. Although, they had kidnapped him for my Christmas gift a few years back. Wait. I could make them apologize and grovel on their knees before my hero. I would earn points and he would have to be my best fucking friend. The plan was slightly risky since my daughters were such a murderous bunch but threatening to cut them off completely should do the trick.
“Yes,” I said, smiling at my sneaky brilliance. “Bail them out right before the party and transport them back to Hell. Let them know I’m furious with their behavior and have a severe punishment in mind… unless they want to cut a deal.”
“You wanna be more specific?” Lizard asked, grinning.
“No, I do not,” I said, grinning back. “Suffice it to say if all goes according to plan, they might get into my good graces for the first time in their very long lives.”
“Good deal,” Lizard said, adjusting his charred and blood-stained beret. “I’ll get right on it.”
“Lizard, would you be offended if I decapitated you?” I questioned out of curiosity.
“Nope.”
“Electrocuted you?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“Set you on fire?”
“Nope.”
“Suggested you change your clothes?” I pressed.
“Yep,” he answered.
Shit. “And may I ask why?”
“Sure, my liege,” Lizard answered, puffing out his chest and cupping his nuts with pride. “This is the outfit that drives my women wild. I plan to wear it until it rots off my body.”
“That’s certainly appetizing,” I muttered to myself then nodded curtly to my loyal and disgustingly clad Demon. “Get to work. We have no time to lose.”
“As you wish,” Lizard said before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
I was able to cross several items off my list. Sadly, getting Lizard to change his tracksuit wasn’t one of them. There was still no Demon in custody, but that would be solved. I could feel it in my evil bones. April 1st would be a day no one would ever forget. I would make sure of it.
Chapter Ten
“Why does your office smell like ass?” Astrid inquired, sniffing the air with a sour expression on her lovely face.
Dino, Darby and Dagwood sucked at cleaning. If they were standing in front of me, I’d electrocute them and send them to Mammy for a trim. My quarters still reeked of beans-n-franks. “Elle’s breakfast,” I told her.
“For real?” she asked with a wince.
“For real,” I replied, wincing with her.
“Sorry about that,” Astrid said with a lopsided grin.
“Condolences accepted,” I replied, snapping my fingers and lighting every scented candle in the large room. “Let’s get to it.”
“Alrighty then, planning this party has been a massive pain in my ass,” Astrid griped as she flopped down on the black leather couch and eyed me with admirable rudeness.
Most would be punished for such behavior. From Astrid, it simply warmed my black heart. Her bad attitude was delightful.
“Lovely to see you too,” I said with a chuckle. “Have you procured my gift yet?”
Her smile grew wide and made me alarmingly uncomfortable. “Yes. I’m giving you my love, Uncle Fucker,” she informed me with an evil giggle. “You’ve already stolen it and definitely don’t deserve it.”
“You want me to have hives for my soiree?” I asked with a raised brow that didn’t alarm her at all. The Vampyre was excellent at annoying me. Although, I secretly enjoyed her ridiculous and misplaced shows of affection.
“Yep,” she said.
“You win.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Astrid muttered with a laugh, paging through her black leather-bound notebook and getting down to business. “Everyone has sent back the RSVP and all five hundred are coming. You’ll need to cast a spell so the Vampyres in attendance will be safe in Hell.”
“You invited Vampyres?” I asked with a groan as I eyed the notebook with envy. I hoped she left it. If not, I’d simply steal it. It would look lovely on my desk.
“I’m a Vampyre, dickwad,” she snapped. “Ethan is coming and a bunch of other high falootin’ Vamps. So cast the spell or I won’t show up and you’ll be screwed.”
“Done,” I said, enjoying her ire. I was certain she wasn’t going to try to decapitate me, so it made the ribbing fun. “And I think it’s outstanding you convinced Steve Perry to attend.”
“What the ever-lovin’ Hell?” she shouted. “That was supposed to be a surprise. How did you know? Did Mother Nature let the cat out of the bag? Did one of the idiot Seven Sins tell you?”
“No,” I said, grinning at her anger. “My mother is too concerned about splitting the crotch of her pants. And from what I understand, the Sins have been jailed in Paris for robbing the city blind. It’s been blissfully serene around here without them—other than Elle still wanting to behead me.”
“I’m tempted to ask for more of the Mother Nature story,” Astrid said.
“Don’t.”
“Roger that,” she replied with an amused shake of her head. She handed me the RSVP list and the menu. “So, Elle’s still on the rag?”
“Yes, but according to her mother, it only lasts a week and shall come to an end on the morning of April 1st. She’ll be saying goodbye to Aunt Flow on my womb eviction day. The timing could not be better.”
“Cool,” she said. “Can your chefs be on call for the party?”
Shit. “Umm… no. Can you bring yours?”
“Are you trying to be a jackass, or does it simply come naturally?” she snapped and lifted her middle finger. “Vampyre here. I don’t fucking eat. I drink blood. We have no mother humpin’ chefs.”
“Right,” I muttered. “My bad. We have a little situation in Hell at the moment. I’ve hired a Dragon for her prowess with beans-n-franks because Elle loves them. The Dragon has a fetish that made the entire cooking staff of the Dark Palace resign.”
“Wanna be more specific?” Astrid asked, squinting at me.
“She likes to trim people.”
Astrid rolled her eyes again and checked her watch. “Dude, what is trim code for? I don’t have all day, and if I’m going to have to have this party catered from Earth, I need to know now. Define trim.”
“Mammy has a hair obsession,” I said with a slight gag. “She’s hellbent on de-hairing the Universe.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“I shit you not,” I assured her. “She blew the arms right off my assistant trying to trim his pit hair.”
I watched as my niece warred with herself not to laugh. She lost.
“First of all, I didn’t even know Dragons existed,” she began, still laughing. “Second, I’d highly suggest Mammy skip the soiree. That could be a shitshow waiting to happen. Vamps are serious about their hair.”
“Fine point. Well made,” I said. “Mammy will not be invited.”
“Great. And what kind of name is Mammy
anyway?”
“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “Her son is called Murry the badass. He’s been sniffing all the females in Hell.”
“There is so much wrong with that last sentence I don’t even know where to begin,” Astrid said, giving me a look. “Why is the bizarrely named Murry the badass sniffing all the female Demons in Hell?”
“Because one of them is trying to destroy my womb explosion day,” I hissed, running my hand through my hair in frustration.
“Eviction,” Astrid corrected me.
“That’s what I said.”
“Nope. You said explosion,” she said.
“Well, that would be a mess,” I muttered.
“Yep,” Astrid agreed. “The party is at eight. Five hundred will be in attendance. Will the Sins be done with their jail stint in Paris?”
“Yes.”
“That sucks,” Astrid said with a shudder. “Those girls are a hot mess. Not to mention, several of them tried to kill me.”
“It happens,” I said shrugging. “I spoiled them rotten, and they turned out dreadfully.”
“Where are their mothers?” Astrid inquired.
“Not a clue. I was unaware they were even pregnant until they dropped the little monsters on the doorstep of the palace.”
“That’s kind of weird. Did you have relationships with any of them?” she asked perplexed.
“I did not,” I replied. “Until Elle, I didn’t even know the meaning of the word. They were pleasurable dalliances that ended with me being stuck with the awful nightmares.”
“Mmmkay,” Astrid said, tucking the notebook into her Prada bag. “On that lovely note, I’m outta here. I’ll hire caterers. Fairies are good cooks according to Gemma. I’ll see if she can have her royal staff come down from Zanthia.”
“Astrid, is that you?” Elle called out from our bedroom.
“Yep,” Astrid yelled back. “I’m just leaving.”
“Hang on a sec,” Elle said. “I’ve grown out of a few things, and I think you would love them. They’ve gotten too tight in the waist and the bust. I’ve got to stop eating so many damn cookies.”
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