I seriously regretted inviting Lizard in. I felt a bit nauseous. For a few seconds, I did consider blasting his tongue out of his mouth, but I had demanded the proof of my statement. It would be rude to mute the messenger.
Nursing was not in my future. Ever.
The end result of Lizard’s diatribe was what I would call a very bad short-term win. The expressions on our mothers’ faces were priceless, but for all the wrong reasons. I could easily claim the Ass of the Universe Award now. The long game had been entirely lost.
“That will be all, Lizard,” I said, trying to sound like I’d meant for the ridiculous explanation to occur—somewhat like my mother’s embarrassing entrance on the pole.
“Can someone tell me what nursing means?” Elle asked, pale after listening to Lizard.
“It means to breastfeed the baby,” Sadie said, putting her arm around Elle and giving her a hug. “Men can’t nurse.”
“Thank Hell for that,” I choked out. “Lizard, you are free to leave. If you stay, I will have to dismember you.”
“Roger that,” Lizard said with a bow. “And I’m still having no luck finding a midwife.”
“Keep trying,” I commanded.
“As you wish,” he said as he shut the door to the suite behind him.
“Well, then,” Sadie said, looking around the office and changing the subject to something where no one would end up getting maimed. “Is the new décor for the child?”
“No,” I said, eyeing my mother. “It’s Mother Nature’s travelling circus.”
“Fine,” my mother said with an eye roll. “I’ll fix it.”
She waved her hands, and in less time than it took to inhale a breath, my office was restored to its former dark beauty. I was relieved there wouldn’t be an open crater in the roof for the party.
“So, what is this about a midwife?” Sadie asked as she led Elle over to the couch and seated her.
“Apparently, we need someone to help Elle through the birth,” I said with an eye roll. “I volunteered, but Astrid said no.”
“And that’s a good thing,” Sadie said with a concerned expression. “When a Siren gives birth, it’s…”
“It’s what?” Elle asked, curious.
“Rather explosive,” Sadie finished her sentence.
“Explosive?” I inquired, feeling vindicated that my misspeak from earlier had been correct. The mammary gland disaster had poked a few holes in my oversized ego. It was outstanding to feel superior again.
“Very explosive,” Sadie confirmed. “It could wipe Hell off the map of the Universe.”
“Oh dear,” Mother Nature said. “Should we take her to Purgatory? I don’t think anyone would miss Purgatory if it disappeared. It’s so beige and boring.”
“Elevator music will not be the first sound my son hears after he is evicted—or exploded from his mother’s womb,” I snapped. “What are the options, Sadie?”
Sadie glanced over at my mother. “Can you perform a barrier spell around the office suite, Gaia?”
“Haven’t done one in a few centuries, but yes,” my mother answered, nodding thoughtfully. “Can you?”
Sadie smiled. “How do you think Elle and I stayed hidden for millions of years? I do believe if we combine our magic, Hell will survive.”
“Do it,” I commanded, moving to Elle and putting my arms around her. “Will this spell protect Elle and the baby?”
“Oh, Elle and the baby will be fine,” Sadie assured me. “It’s Hell that I’m worried about.”
“Can I be with her?” I asked, knowing I had no plans to take no as an answer.
“If we can find a midwife that can withstand and survive vicious explosions, then yes,” Sadie said, looking doubtful.
I sighed and let my chin fall to my chest. How in the fuck had it come to this?
“I have just the person,” I said, trying not to wince.
“You do?” Elle asked, surprised.
“Fortunately, and unfortunately, yes,” I replied, kissing the top of her head.
“Go get the midwife,” Mother Nature instructed, sounding all business as she clapped her hands and created a lovely lavender bed for Elle to give birth on. “Once we cast the spell, no one is allowed in and no one is allowed out.”
“On it,” I said, sprinting toward the door in search of Mammy.
“Will I be able to attend the party after the birth?” Elle asked her mother.
“Absolutely, sweetheart. After the explosion you’ll be as good as new within the hour.”
“I just hope Hell will fare the same,” Mother Nature said under her breath as she continued to conjure up all the necessary items for a birth. “Lucifer, haul ass. It will take a full day to cast the spell. No time to lose.”
“Yes, mother… and thank you,” I said, glancing down at my hands to see if hives had popped out. None. So far so good.
“You’re welcome,” my mother said with a smile.
“You’re not going to give me shit for saying thank you?” I questioned warily.
“I am not,” she replied, still smiling. “Even though you don’t speak the words often, I know you mean them all the time.”
“Actually, I don’t,” I told her, being truthful for the first time in a while.
The bolt of lightning came so fast, I didn’t even see my mother wiggle her nose. Damn, she was good.
“That fucking stung,” I snapped as I waved my hand and put out the fire that had just destroyed my pants. The truth was utter bullshit. I would avoid it in the future at all costs. My suit was custom and now had a big hole in the ass.
“I’m just getting started,” my mother said with a giggle and an arched brow. “If you want Hell to survive, move it. NOW.”
“Elle, I’ll be back shortly. Don’t worry about a thing. I have it covered,” I promised as I waved my hand and disappeared in a gust of black mist.
I would find Mammy. Her price would be high. Of that I was certain.
However, there was no price too high for the safety of my lover and my son. I would happily die for either of them. Not to mention, if Hell disappeared, it would be difficult to blackmail Steve Perry into being my BFF at the party.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
My life as I knew it was about to change for the rest of eternity… and I couldn’t wait.
Chapter Thirteen
Two days trapped in a suite with Mammy and my mother was the worst kind of Hell I’d ever lived through. My mother pole danced for eight hours straight. None of us would be the same after experiencing the horrifying display. I was scarred for life when one of her moves revealed her see-through crystal G-string. Even bleaching my eyes wouldn’t be sufficient after seeing my mother’s bits. No son should ever have to go through that.
Elle was incredibly grumpy as the birth grew near. I’d stabbed myself for her amusement so many times, even my mother was concerned. Sadie was the only voice of reason in the crew of insanity. After a private talk with her daughter, Elle apologized for enjoying my multiple impalements. Of course, twenty minutes later she nailed me with a fork to the forehead for touching a cookie.
Mammy had the wherewithal to stock the suite with enough food to feed an army. Elle had gone through most of it. Thankfully, Sadie estimated the birth—or womb explosion—to be imminent. This was a good thing. Who knew what would go down if we ran out of cookies?
“Alrighty,” Mammy said, doing a few jumping jacks, deep knee bends and popping her neck. “When the boy makes his entrance, ya’ll just backass up. Gonna get messy.”
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked, getting worried.
Elle was my world and my son came in a very close second. Losing my Siren was unacceptable. My desire to exist would vanish.
“I’m gonna pretend ya didn’t say that,” Mammy growled as golden smoke wafted out of her nose and ears. “There’s a couple things I know how to do. Make beans-n-franks, trim hair, and birth a baby.”
“And kill people,”
Mother Nature reminded her. “You’re a wonderful assassin.”
“Dangit,” Mammy said, giving my mother a thumbs up. “Almost forgot about that. Thanks, Gaia.”
“No worries, Mammy. Glad to help.”
“You’re an assassin?” Sadie inquired, impressed.
“Darn tootin’” Mammy answered as she got Elle settled on the bed. “I can fry the head off a jackass from a mile away.”
“You’re not blind?” I asked, confused. “You trimmed your son bald and blew the arms off my assistant whose name escapes me.”
“Did it on purpose for a little fun,” Mammy explained as she plumped the pillows for my lover. “Gotta keep ‘em on their toes—keep it spicy, if ya know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” I said, getting seriously concerned that the certifiable whack job was about to deliver my son. “Ask for a favor.”
“What’d ya say, Lord of Dark Crap?” she asked, piling towels next to the bed and making sure the ornate cradle my mother had produced from thin air was placed next to the bed.
“A favor from the Devil is the most coveted prize in the Universe,” I said, as I walked to the head of the bed and tucked Elle’s hair gently behind her ears. “You will receive a favor as long as the love of my evil life and my child come through this unharmed and untrimmed.”
Mammy cackled as she continued to work. “Ya already done it,” she said. “This is me payin’ ya back for ya grantin’ my Murry the ability to read and offering to watch after the dumb-ass if anything ever happens to me.”
“I didn’t exactly offer,” I clarified as I heard my mother’s swift and surprised intake of breath.
“Oooohhhh, I’m so proud of you, Lucifer,” my mother said. “I knew deep down inside you were a nice man.”
“I am not nice,” I snapped with an enormous eye roll. “I’m fucking Satan—the most evil badass to ever live.”
“And clearly a contortionist,” Sadie muttered with a laugh.
Son of a bitch. I’d done it again. Ignoring the chuckles at my expense, I glared at Mammy. “Ask for another favor. NOW.”
“Whatever ya say, Lord Dumbass,” Mammy said with an evil little smirk. “I wanna trim ya. Never trimmed a celebrity before. Martha and Jane read me some of yer new book. It’s so damn good. Almost peed my knickers I was laughin’ so hard. Gonna be a big hit. That’s the favor I want.”
Just when I thought a fork to the head was the worst thing that could happen today…
“Why don’t you think about it for a while and get back to me on it,” I said, trying to be diplomatic which was not my normal style. Electrocution and decapitation were more in my wheelhouse than reasonable negotiation.
“Nope. That’s what I want,” Mammy said. “It’ll be good fer my Ball Shop business if I’ve de-haired the Lord of Dark Shit. Ya feel me?”
“Oh my Hell,” Elle grunted out as her stomach went as hard as a rock and her breathing grew labored. “Hurts. Hurts so bad.”
“Do something,” I shouted frantically, seeing my life vanish before my eyes. “Fix it.”
“It’s fine,” my mother assured me as I paced the suite in a panic. “It’s normal.”
“Sonofabitchshitdamn,” Elle screamed as her hands searched the bed.
“What do you need?” I demanded. “I’ll get you whatever you want. Jewels? Cars? A new wardrobe? Beans-n-franks? A monkey? Blueberry muffin bread? Just tell me,” I shouted as she continued to moan and search the bed.
“A butter knife,” she shrieked. “Have to remove your shmackle immediately. I can never have a baby again. He can just stay up there for the rest of time. I’m not doing this.”
“Relax yer crack, honey,” Mammy said as she ducked a massive fire ball Elle aimed at her head. “It’ll be over before ya know it.”
The suite was now on fire. I’d never been so relieved in my life. Walking right into the blaze, I sighed with joy. If I was going to have to regrow my shmackle, I may as well enjoy the flames for a few minutes.
“I said I’M NOT HAVING A BABY,” Elle shouted as she convulsed in pain. “This sucks.”
Mammy wasn’t so lucky with the next shot. In between the threats to my Johnson, the swearing and the search for the dull butter knife, Elle lobbed an amethyst globe of magic so powerful it should have killed Mammy dead.
Much to everyone’s shock and amazement, it didn’t. The crazy old Dragon simply snorted the purple inferno up her nose then burped.
“Is that all you got?” Mammy grunted and stood to her full height of four foot nothing. “I’d think the Keeper of Fate could do better than that.”
Elle’s eyes narrowed to slits and she growled like a wild animal. I found it arousing but figured if I said anything my lover would decapitate me. I wanted to greet my son with my head on my shoulders, so I kept my mouth shut. Hard but doable.
“Take this,” Elle said with a grin, forgetting about the fact she was in pain and about to blow something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a walnut… if one were to believe Martha and Jane.
Elle hurled a bolt of lightning at the Dragon. Mammy did a backflip and caught the brutal assault in her mouth.
“Are you serious?” Elle shouted with delight. “That was amazing!”
The contractions continued. I watched in awe as Elle’s stomach hardened and then softened. However, my lover was oblivious. She was far too involved in trying to incinerate the fire-proof, smack-talking Mammy.
“Come on, ya weenie,” Mammy shrieked with glee as Elle sent wave after wave of magical blasts her way. “I didn’t even feel that one.”
Mammy took each new attack in stride, and Elle squealed with laughter.
My mother’s mouth hung open in shock. I surmised by her reaction this wasn’t like the womb eviction of God or myself. The suite was now a blazing inferno. Thank Hell we were all some of the strongest Immortals in the Universe and would be fine after a half hour or so.
“Give it yer best shot,” Mammy sang as she approached the bed and rearranged Elle’s body position.
Elle didn’t even notice. She laughed, wound up and blasted Mammy so hard I was sure the Dragon was a goner.
Nope. Mammy took the blast like the nutjob she was and swallowed it whole. Elle was laughing so hard she didn’t see Mammy wave us away from the bed. She quickly sanitized her hands with some kind of rose-colored nose smoke and got into what I could only call a football position. Was my son about to explode out of my lover’s nether regions like a fucking bomb?
“You can trim me!” I shouted in utter awe of Mammy. “Right now, you could ask for world domination, and I’d give it to you.” And I would. As much as I despised being wrong, I could have never done what Mammy was doing. I couldn’t even work the damned baby papoose.
“I’m good. World domination would suck ass,” Mammy grunted as the suite burst into flame so hot, I grabbed my mother and Sadie and flew to the bed to protect Elle who was still laughing with delight over Mammy’s crazed and death-defying antics.
“She does have a point there,” my mother shouted over the massive explosions complete with a fireworks display going off in the suite.
Stroking Elle’s head, I could barely see Mammy at the foot of the bed through the blaze. My son was going to enter the world bathed in fire. I’d never been so humbled in my existence. It was perfection.
“He’s coming,” Elle screamed as she held my hand in a grip so tight, I thought she might wrench it from my body. It didn’t matter. My lover was a miracle. While I wanted to keep my head and my Johnson, the rest of me was fair game.
“This is bullshit,” Elle screamed as sweat poured off her face, and her body jerked in agony. “Do I really have to do it?”
“Almost done,” Mammy shouted. “Yer doing great!”
The Dark Palace and all of Hell shook on its foundation. I hoped the barrier would hold. It would be a damn shame if Hell were to disappear. But as long as my love and my child were fine, I didn’t care. I’d take my Demons
and steal a new place for all of us to live in violent harmony. Where? No fucking clue. I’d figure it out later.
“I see his head,” Mammy said. “Push, Elle.”
“I can’t,” Elle grunted as her face reddened and her fists clenched. “I can’t.”
“You can,” I said, stroking the hair from her face. “You are the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever known. I’m so in love with you it hurts.”
“It doesn’t hurt like blowing an SUV out of your vagina,” she snarled.
“True,” I conceded.
“I will make you pay for this, Lucifer,” Elle ground out. “I will make your life a living Hell.”
“I look forward to it,” I told her, placing my hand over my heart so she was aware I told the truth.
“I hate you right now,” Elle snapped.
“I love you more than I ever have.”
“You’re crazy,” she yelled.
“For you,” I shot back.
“Kind of cheesy,” my mother said with a grin.
Before I could electrocute my mother or even think of a good comeback, another explosion rocked through Hell. I was sure it could be felt all the way to Heaven.
“PUSH,” Mammy commanded. “One more big push and it’s over.”
“Do you promise, Mammy?” Elle screamed. “If you’re lying, I will rip your appendages off, wait for them to heal then rip them off again for the rest of time.”
“She’s so violent,” I said with pride right before my lover nailed me with a right hook that made me see stars.
“PUSH,” Mammy yelled. “And everyone duck. He’s coming.”
With a roar that sounded like a furious goddess, Elle did as she was told. The flames turned a sparkling purple and an earthquake erupted under my feet. I held fast to Elle to make sure she was safe. The next explosion was blinding. Literally.
Mother Nature screamed and Sadie cried out. What was happening? Did something go wrong?
“Elle,” I shouted. “Say something.”
“Something,” she choked out as she reached for me.
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