My Blue

by Jacobs, Emery

  “Nope. No drugs in her system,” she whispers, moving in behind me. “She never showed up at the rental house the night of the concert. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?” There is an accusing tone to her voice, and I don’t fucking like it—at all.

  I spin around to face her. “Don’t go there, Gracie. Don’t. Fucking. Go. There.” My muscles tense as I glare into her green eyes.

  “You were determined to find her after the concert, and now she can only remember you and nobody else—except for her parents, but they don’t count,” she says quietly. Her tone is harsh, and her eyes are filled with accusations as she directs them at me.

  “Don’t be fucking ridiculous. How in the hell could I have caused Ella to forget everything and everybody except for me and her parents? Do you know how crazy you sound right now?” I’m not doing this with her. If she’s stupid enough to believe what she’s saying, maybe she needs to be locked up somewhere so she can get the help she needs.

  I shake my head in frustration as I turn back toward Blue, inching slowly toward her bed. I need to see her face to know she’s okay.

  “Don’t wake her!” Gracie whisper-shouts behind me.

  I keep moving, ignoring her. I don’t plan on waking her, but now that I’m here, I need to be near her.

  “If you wake her up, she may be confused, even more confused than she already is.” Gracie continues to ramble on about the same shit and I continue to ignore her.

  Blue shifts around in the bed until she’s facing me. She’s so fucking beautiful. Her dark hair frames her perfect face, and she looks the same yet so different—older, more mature.

  I’m tempted to push her hair back and kiss her soft lips, but I don’t. Even though she remembers me, I’m sure she’s been told how much time has passed since we’ve been together.

  I lean against the bedside table, crossing my arms over my chest as I take in all that is Ella Blue: her dark hair, long eyelashes, porcelain skin, and deep pink, pouty lips.

  “I’ve missed you so fucking much,” I whisper.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Gracie whispers. I glance to my left, and she is still glaring at me. “I thought I told you—”

  Blue’s husky voice cuts Gracie off. “Leo, is that you?”

  I can’t speak or move. Hell, I can barely breathe. Blue moves around in the bed until she’s sitting up, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands.

  “Can somebody please turn on the light?” Her voice is soft. I look over at Gracie and motion toward the switch on the wall.

  She rolls her eyes at me but eventually trudges over and flips the light switch up.

  Ella Blue squints briefly before blinking several times. She tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear and examines the small, drab hospital room until her eyes land on me.

  “Leo,” she whispers, so quietly I barely hear her.

  I push off the small table I was leaning against and squat down beside the bed so I can see her better. “You’re really here.” Her hands tremble as they cup my face, and then her gaze meets mine. Ella’s big, brown eyes are full of tears.

  Please don’t cry, Ella Blue. I’m here, and I swear I’ll stay forever if you’ll let me.

  I nod, my gaze never leaving hers. “I am,” I tell her, because I don’t know what else to say. Even though nobody knows what happened to her, I’m positive it was something terrible. It had to be to make her lose her memory. People don’t just develop amnesia without being involved in something bad, and now that I’m looking into her deep brown eyes, I’m afraid. I don’t want to say anything to upset her, but I want her to know I’m here to help her.

  She grips my face tighter as a single tear rolls down her cheek. I wipe it from her skin and then wrap my hands around her small wrists. A reluctant smile tugs at her mouth just before she leans in and presses her mouth to mine. My pulse races out of control as the warmth of her lips lingers for longer than I expect it to. My heart doesn’t realize this kiss isn’t real, which fucking sucks, because there’s an ache in my chest that wants her to remember she never stopped loving me.

  9

  Ella Blue

  The doctors say to give it time that my memories will come back to me. My life will be mine again, without confusion or not knowing who to believe and who to trust, but right now, as I stare into Leo’s brown eyes, I want to live in this moment forever. I want to be seventeen again and start over in a world where my parents aren’t the enemy and I can be happy.

  “Ella Blue,” Leo whispers as he shakes his head and releases my wrists. He pulls away from my hold, but his gaze never leaves mine. His eyes are so full, brimming with questions to which I don’t have any answers. I shouldn’t have kissed him. What if he has a girlfriend or a wife? Maybe that’s why he pulled away from me. No, I won’t allow myself to believe it—at least not yet. Leo gives me something no one else can—comfort, peace, security. He’s familiar, and that’s what I need right now.

  “I didn’t know if you would come.” I glance up at the ceiling for a moment before returning my eyes to his. “I just wanted to see you. To be sure you were okay.” A smile pulls at my lips, so I give in to it. I drop my eyes downward and stare at the white, hospital-issued sheets. Being with Leo again shouldn’t seem so hard, so awkward, but it is.

  “Me, okay?” He chuckles nervously.

  Leo’s different, but what did I expect? I’m twenty-five and he’s twenty-six. His hair is longer, almost to his shoulders. His jawline used to be cleanly shaven, but now it’s scruffy, and his body is no longer that of a teenager. He’s broader, thicker, taller. He isn’t the boy I knew so well, now a man I know absolutely nothing about. I’ve been told repeatedly that my last memory happened eight years ago and not yesterday, but that’s not what my heart believes.

  I drag my eyes up from staring at the sheets and force another small smile on my face. “I’ve been worried about you. The cops were so rough when you were arrested, and I was afraid they hurt you.”

  Leo glances over his shoulder at Gracie, the girl who says she’s my best friend. She shrugs and then wrinkles her nose at him. He’s confused, but I can promise him he’s not alone in the confusion.

  Leo brings his eyes back to mine. “Don’t worry about me. I’m okay.” A slight smirk pulls at his lips. “Are you?” He stands from the squatting position he was in and leans against the bed. “I mean, are you okay?”

  Am I okay? Physically, yes. I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been, but mentally…I’m completely fucked up, and the sad part about it is I don’t even know why. I have absolutely no idea what happened to me three days ago. All I know is I woke up here last night, and the last memory I have was the night Leo was arrested and my dad said he was sending me away.

  I nod. “Yeah, I’m good.” My voice trembles as I speak, because we both know I’m not.

  “I saw you,” Leo says softly.

  Gracie immediately clears her throat. My focus travels from Leo over to her, and she immediately looks away. I hate this. I feel like there’s so much stuff—other than my memory loss—that’s going on, and nobody wants to tell me about it.

  From the second Leo walked into this room, it’s been more than obvious he’s a bundle of nerves. He doesn’t hide his emotions well. He never has. Uncertainty and fear are written all over his face, and his body language is just weird. He’s awkward, uneasy, tense. My gaze slowly drifts back to his.

  “When did you see me?” I ask while shifting around in the bed until my legs are hanging from the side. I’m curious about what happened in the days leading up to my memory loss. Maybe by talking to Leo and Gracie, I can figure everything out and get my life back.

  Leo turns away from me and walks to the other side of the room. He grabs a straight-back hospital chair and scoots it across the floor until it’s positioned next to my bed. I glance up at him as he sits down and leans forward. His jean-covered legs graze my bare ones, and only then do I realize just how near he is to me. G
od, I want to climb into his lap and hold on to him forever.

  “At the Bait Shack. Last Saturday night.”

  I move my head from side to side a couple times before raising my eyebrows. “What’s a bait shack?”

  Leo smirks. “It’s a dive bar here in town. You were there with your band, on stage, but you didn’t see me.”

  “Oh, yeah. Gracie told me about the band earlier today.” I force out a laugh. Being in a band is such a foreign concept to me. I don’t know at what point in my life I started singing. It’s not something I remember, so it must have happened after I left Idlewood.

  Leo nods before grabbing my hands and squeezing them tight. He blows out a quick breath and then leans in closer toward me. “Saturday night was the first time I’ve seen you in eight years.” He pauses for what seems like minutes instead of only a few seconds. “I guess what I’m saying is that I haven’t seen you since the night I got arrested eight years ago, so I don’t know anything about your life since you left Idlewood.” He takes a quick look over his shoulder at Gracie, who is leaning against the wall watching the two of us intently. He shifts slightly in the chair and brings his focus back to me. “Gracie is probably going to be the best person to help you remember things about your life.”

  My eyes widen and my chest fills with panic. I may have amnesia, but I’m not stupid or naïve. I can totally read between the words of his last statement. Leo is basically saying he doesn’t really want to be here and he has no intentions of spending any time with me. So, I guess it’s up to me and me alone to find myself and figure out my life.

  Pull yourself together, Ella. He’s moved on. He has a life.

  I’m so lost and confused. Even the memory of my parents sending me away is not clear. I know it happened, but why? Where did I go? And what was so bad that caused me to walk away from my life and never look back?

  My eyes move to Gracie, and she pushes off the wall she was leaning against. “I’m heading to the cafeteria to grab some lunch. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  I nod. “Okay.” She’s giving us some time alone. I guess she really is a friend, because I think time alone with Leo is good for both of us.

  Gracie gives Leo a final glare before heading out into the hallway in search of the cafeteria.

  “Do you think we can talk?” I hate that my voice sounds so nervous, but I can’t do anything to change it. Hopefully, with a little time, I’ll feel more okay in my own skin.

  Leo looks back at me and raises an eyebrow.

  “I mean, really talk about you and me. I need you to help me remember everything that happened between us eight years ago. It’ll be like my starting point.” I hold on to his hands like they’re my lifeline, and I never want to let go.

  “I don’t know if it’s a good idea to bring up the past. Aren’t you afraid it will interfere with your brain remembering the present? Don’t you want to get your life back?”

  My mouth forms a straight line and I lift my shoulder in a half shrug. I do want to remember the present, but right now, all I have locked tightly inside my brain is the past. It’s important for me to want to remember the last eight years so I can move forward, get my life back, but I’m also afraid to let go of the past because right now it’s the only life I know. I’m also being a bit selfish, too, because I’m scared if I remember the present, I’ll lose Leo. At this point, I don’t remember a life without him, so right now this feels a little like he’s trying to break up with me.

  You’re twenty-five, Ella. Stop thinking like a teenager.

  “Okay, if you really think it will help to start with the past, that’s what we’ll do. I’ll help you in any way I can, but I still think you need to spend some time with Gracie, the girls from the band, some of your friends, and maybe your parents to help you work on the things you’ve forgotten from the last eight years.”

  I cringe a little at the mention of my parents. I’m not even sure when they’re going to show up here to check on me. I guess it will depend on my father’s schedule. Gracie said the girls from the band left for home the morning after the concert, before anybody even knew what happened to me. She also said that we rented a house here for the entire summer so I could visit my grandmother and we could just relax.

  I know I’m strong and independent. I can feel it right down in my bones. That’s why it scares me to need Leo as much as I do right now. My mind is weak, and it’s searching for the truth. As soon as I woke up in this hospital yesterday, I needed Leo. I need him to help me find the truth, to be with me while I heal. Once my memory is intact, I’ll go back to my life, and he can go back to his.

  “My doctor encouraged me to talk to you since you’re in the last memory I have.”

  “You told him about me? About us?”

  “Yeah, because when he asked me what my last memory was, I told him about you and me and that night we were last together.”

  Leo releases my hands and straightens his spine. My heartbeat quickens as I stare at his face. Maybe he doesn’t want to remember that night, but it’s all I’ve got to hold on to.

  “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”

  His eyes are distant, but he doesn’t look away. Instead, he leans in closer to me and cups my face with his hands.

  “Whatever you need to talk about, I’ll make it happen. I’m here to help you.” He moves in closer and kisses the tip of my nose before smiling. Then he drops his hands into his lap and watches me intently.

  A sense of sadness washes over me after he pulls away and releases his hold on my face, but I force a smile, because I don’t want him to see how weak I am right now.

  “So, tell me exactly what you remember,” he says with a slight tilt of his head.

  “It was my seventeenth birthday, and we were at Redwood Park. You brought my favorite cupcake, red velvet, which I didn’t get to eat because the candle melted, covering it in wax.”

  He nods, so I continue.

  “We were talking about college, swimming in the creek, and…” I keep myself from saying anymore, because my mind goes to my gift, the small box I never got to open. The police arrived just as he was giving it to me.

  “And?” he asks, wanting me to continue.

  I go on, but without mention of the gift. “We talked about how Redwood Park was our park and, you know…you kissed me and held me so tight I never wanted you to let go.” Heat rushes up my neck before it covers my face. I never wanted you to let go. Smart move to just toss out your feelings after being apart for eight long years. Now I’m really uncomfortable, and by the look on Leo’s face, he is, too. “Does any of this sound familiar to you?” I force the question out, even though all I want to do is crawl under this bed and hide away until my memory finds its way back.

  Leo studies me, but doesn’t say anything.

  So, I continue with what feels like a confession. “We kissed some more and then I begged you to go to college, but you said you weren’t cut out for it.”

  He lets out a small chuckle after my last statement, and his eyes flit away from mine for a beat before he glances back in my direction. He knows exactly what words are about to come out of my mouth, and I don’t think he wants to hear them. His reaction to this conversation hurts. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t, but I’m determined to finish what I’ve started.

  “You told me you loved me and that you would wait for me forever.” Even though this entire conversation has caused me enough humiliation to last a lifetime, a small smile still tugs at my lips, because this is probably the best memory I have right now.

  “Wow. You really do remember it like it was yesterday. Honestly, if you’d asked me about our conversation that night…I don’t know if I would have been able to tell you anything that was said.” He laughs softly, and my smile immediately fades.

  I hang my head down and stare at my hands resting in my lap. I’m such an idiot. What did I expect him to say? He’s just as unsure of all this as I am. I shift around in the bed, suddenly fee
ling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I can’t do this right now. Maybe Leo was right and I should’ve focused on the present with Gracie. It’s too soon, and my emotions are still too raw.

  “I’ve changed my mind. I think I need a little more time.” Tears fill my eyes and I can’t look at him. I’m being foolish. It’s obvious he’s pushed that night out of his mind and doesn’t want to be reminded.

  “Ella Blue, look at me,” he demands, but his voice is gentle.

  I shake my head and rub my eyes, trying to stop the tears.

  The bed moves as Leo shifts from the chair to the mattress next to me. His callused hand touches my face and I shiver. “Ella, please look at me.”

  I turn into Leo’s touch and my eyes meet his.

  “Don’t back away from this conversation because of me. I shouldn’t have said I don’t remember, because I do. I remember every single word that was spoken, every single movement you made, every breath you took, but you’ve got to understand that I’ve spent the last eight years trying to forget that night and what it did to me. You were my best friend, and I lost you.”

  I wrap my hands around his wrists and rise up to my knees. He shifts his body a little more in my direction, and I swing my leg over him so I’m straddling his lap, even though I know he didn’t give me permission to climb all over him. If he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to ask me to move.

  “I’m scared.” A couple of tears fall from my eyes. “I’m really scared.”

  “I know, and I swear I’m going to keep you safe.” Leo pulls me in even closer to him before wrapping his arms around me. I rest my head on his shoulder just as my tears begin to fall. Leo squeezes me tighter before kissing the top of my head softly. “I’ve got you, Ella Blue, and I’m never letting you go.”

  I silently let out a long sigh and smile. This is who we were—Ella and Leo against the world. This is love, even if it’s no longer real. It’s what I need more than anything.

  My eyes flutter closed as I press my body into his, praying he’ll never let go.