by Lucia Ashta
Nan had saddled me alone with the responsibility of detecting. Since Jelly’s fortune telling was what gave her the idea, I’d have to thank him for that one later. She hadn’t assigned my aunts a specific role, they were just along for the ride—and they were turning it all into one big carnival.
Or maybe that was just life in Gales Haven.
Jadine flipped through her loaded keychain, searching for the key to what I prayed would be the final lock.
“People in town don’t even have locks on their doors, and those who do don’t bother locking them,” Wanda said. “Why in the dickens do you have a gazillion of them?”
Jadine tsked as she narrowed in on the correct key and slid it into the third deadbolt that lined her front door. She had four on her back door. “Did you forget that I’m the victim of a crime? Someone broke into my house—invaded my privacy and sense of security—and stole my belongings. Of course I installed protection as soon as I discovered the crime.”
I was pretty sure referring to stolen Spanx as a crime was stretching it—pun only mildly intended.
“As soon as I discovered the criminal act, I sent Danny a whisper-tell, asking him to come right over with his tools.”
Wanda arched a brow. “And did you barter with something? In order to make use of his tools?”
Jadine flushed and fumbled her key ring, bending over quickly to retrieve it, before stalking quickly down the steps. Without waiting for any of us, she set off along the street in the direction of Dixie’s house.
Wanda exchanged wide-eyed looks with my aunts before the three of them giggled and started after Jadine.
I hurried to catch up to them. “What am I missing?”
When Wanda turned to me, her face was alight, fully animated, eyebrows dancing. “Oh, Danny’s been known to cut you a break on barter exchange if you include some shugah in the trade, if you know what I mean.” She winked at me in an exaggerated manner.
No, I didn’t know what she meant. What kind of sugar was she talking about?
I watched the way Jadine all but speed-walked ahead of us on the old tiled sidewalk. “Are you telling me that Danny does work in exchange for sexual favors?” My pitch rose as I started to get agitated by the idea. “‘Cause if so, that’s really not cool. That’s downright pervy, Wanda. How could you guys let this go on?”
My aunts bent over at the waist laughing. Aunt Luanne waved my concern away. “Oh it’s not like that. Danny’s a hottie.”
“So? Being a hottie doesn’t excuse a dude from being a perv! He can’t trade out…” I glanced around us, saw no one else, but lowered my volume just the same. In Gales Haven, someone was always trying to be up in your business, even if you didn’t spot them. “He can’t trade out sex for handyman work or whatever he’s doing.”
“Oh he’s doing at least a dozen ladies in town at any given time,” Aunt Shawna said, and Aunt Luanne leaned a hand on her sister as she wheezed with laughter.
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at all three of them, not caring that Jadine was leaving us behind. We’d catch up.
“I can’t believe you. How is this okay to any of you?”
Wanda ran a finger beneath her eyes to wipe the moisture from all the laughing at me they were doing. The more worked up I got, the funnier they thought it was.
“It’s really not like that—promise,” Wanda said, still grinning. “Danny’s hot as flames, but that obviously wouldn’t have us standing by while he’s doing something wrong. He’s a sweetie. He isn’t coming on to women who don’t want him to.”
Aunt Luanne clutched at her stomach. “Oh my funny bone, my belly hurts from laughing so hard. I really needed that.”
I frowned at her. “Seriously? So what, Danny’s some gigolo and you’re all okay with it?”
Aunt Shawna wrapped an arm around my shoulders and set us walking again. “There are more women than men in this town. Some of them get lonely when they don’t have boyfriends or husbands. Or lovers.”
“Or when they don’t know how to please themselves without a man!” Aunt Luanne called ahead to Jadine, making me cringe at the thought of how many people might have heard her. We were walking along a quiet little street that was perpendicular to Magical Main Street and lined with quaint homes.
Shawna, completely unbothered by Luanne, nodded. “Danny offers these women a little adventurous fun.”
Wanda drew up to my other side. “Your aunts are right. He offers them some fantasy, and they eat it up. Many of them literally.”
“Ooh, good one, Wanda,” Luanne said from behind us.
“They’re all grown women,” Wanda added. “They know what they want and how to get it. Danny isn’t forcing them into anything. He’s just offering them a taste of what they’re desiring.”
Aunt Luanne giggled in delight. “They lap him right up.”
“All right. That’s enough of that.” I again shot surreptitious glances at our surroundings, though it didn’t do much good. There were definitely people eavesdropping. I’d bet that was one thing that hadn’t changed a bit during the years I was gone. “But him offering … it up … in exchange for work and payment, that feels off.”
Wanda smiled gently at me, the laughter gone now. “You’ve been away for a long time. You’ve got to remember that here there aren’t any real bad guys. Even Delise and what she did to the barrier spell, I’d bet anything she didn’t do it with malice. She probably didn’t think past her ego long enough to realize what she was doing was really going to harm the town.”
“As much as it pains me to think well of Delise in any way whatsoever,” Shawna said, “I agree. She probably just lashed out ‘cause she was angry with Nan for not letting her on the council. I think she just wanted to add her magic to the spell so they would need her.”
Grimacing, I arched my brow at them. “Uh, did ya see her? She was nuts!”
Shawna shrugged. “Delise has always been a bit nuts. Most people in Gales Haven are. But most everyone else is lots nicer than she is.”
“And a bazillion times more fun,” Aunt Luanne added.
“Well, excuse me if I’m not in the mood to forgive her,” I said.
“Who said anything about forgiving her?” Shawna asked. “I hope Irma really is stringing her up by her toes.”
“Or waterboarding her,” Luanne said. “That would be good too. Maybe ripping her fingernails off.”
I scrunched up my face. “Ew, Aunt Luanne. That’s a bit much when you just finished saying she didn’t really mean to sabotage the barrier spell.”
Luanne walked next to Shawna and shrugged. “Either she’s stupid as a bag of rocks—and I don’t mean the smart talking kind like what Troy sells in his Toys, Trinkets, and Tinies shop—or she’s evil. Either way, we shouldn’t let her get away with what she did. Oh! We could electroshock her. It’d be funny to see her hair standing up all over her head.”
I opened my mouth to censure my aunt, and then figured why bother? Sighing, I said, “Well, so long as Danny isn’t pushing anything on anyone, then I guess I’ll let it go.”
“When you see Danny, you might even be asking him to come install locks on your door.” Wanda smiled at me so broadly that I couldn’t resist a chuckle.
“I don’t even remember him,” I said. “How old is he?”
“Just old enough for a saucy woman like me to not feel bad about taking him up on keying me.”
I whipped my head around to Aunt Luanne so fast that I didn’t watch where I was going and tripped over a raised tile edge. Wanda and Aunt Shawna caught me while I gaped at my youngest aunt. “Aunt Luanne, are you being serious right now? Did you really have sex with Danny?”
Luanne shook her head at me, her wild red hair tumbling around her face. “Why does your mind always shoot straight to sex?” She blinked at me, deadpan. “Oh, that’s right. ‘Cause you’re related to me.”
I inhaled deeply and wondered what could have possibly made Nan think sending Luanne and Shawna along
with me on this caper solving was a good idea?
Luanne leaned across her sister. “‘Course I had sex with him. I’d be crazy to turn him down. I had several servings of that yumminess.”
“He came on to you?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Oh who knows? Him, me? It’s all the same. We had fun, that’s all that matters. Actually we had lots of fun. Maybe I should dip into that well again. How about you, Shaw, did you go there?”
Aunt Shawna opened her mouth, and “Hey,” I interrupted, before we could go further down this path. As it was, whenever I met Danny, I’d probably turn beet red and get tongue-tied. I didn’t need that. I already had to live with the fact that everyone in town knew me and Quade were on the way to getting back together. I didn’t even know what was up with us yet, but I could tell everyone was just waiting to find out.
Searching for something to say, I spotted Jadine on the front porch of a cute little lilac house up ahead. “That must be Dixie’s house,” I announced, relieved to have landed on something with which to distract everyone. “Jadine’s already knocking.”
“Oh no,” Shawna said as we watched a woman who must have been Dixie open the door to Jadine. Jelly Frumpers was directly beside her, inside her house—standing a bit too close to her.
“Are Jelly and Dixie good friends?” I asked hopefully.
“Nope,” Wanda said.
“How about cousins?”
Dixie was taller than me, voluptuous in that hourglass way, and pretty. Jelly was short, round, and definitely not pretty.
“I’ve never even noticed them talking before,” Wanda answered.
I couldn’t see Jadine’s face from where we walked, but if Jadine had behaved like a jilted—and crazed—lover at her house, how was she going to react to seeing Jelly with another woman?
As if Wanda and my aunts were arriving at the exact same conclusion, we picked up the pace, climbing the steps to Dixie’s house in no time.
We arrived just in time for the standoff.
My money was on Jadine.
Chapter Ten
“Hiya, Dixie,” Jadine said with a tight smile before turning her ire on Jelly. “And what are you doing here, Jelly? Just dump one woman and skedaddle right over to the next? That’s your style now, is it?”
Dixie’s mouth dropped open as she brought a hand to her chest. “My word,” she whispered, looking between Jadine and Jelly.
Then she stepped next to Jadine—and away from Jelly, who was now on the receiving end of two murderous glares.
Jadine flung her key ring to the ground in anger, then brought both hands to her hips while she huffed like a wild beast.
Dixie, who was revealing her smarts with every passing second, took another step toward the panting bull on her doorstep, making sure we all got her message loud and clear. Whatever Jelly did, he was on his own. Dixie was hanging him out to dry like he was laundry.
“What’d the man do to you?” Dixie asked Jadine. “Because I tell ya, he and I haven’t done a thing together. Sure, I was thinking about it, but only ‘cause we’ve got a shortage of good men in this town. If not, I wouldn’t have gone there. No way.”
When Jadine turned her panting focus on Dixie, the woman barreled on, trying to fix what she’d said.
“I mean, no way am I going there now, not after this, and I haven’t done anything with him. I’m all spent after Danny came by to fix my shower.”
I gasped. Danny again.
Jadine looked about ready to blow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if steam shot out from her ears like in the cartoons. She scraped the wooden steps with a boot like she was a bull pawing at the dirt beneath him before he charged.
I had no idea how this would go, but I was certain of one thing. A whole bunch more drama was about to go down.
Efficiency was not a quality most people in this town were afflicted with, and I didn’t want to continue bobbing and weaving without getting much accomplished. I had a life to live beyond mad capers, Spanx, and bare-assed leprechauns.
Jadine stomped toward Jelly, getting right up in his face.
I walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
She whirled on me, fists raised.
“Whoa there.” I released my grip on her.
“Sorry, Marla. I got nothing against you. I’m just strung tight is all. This jerkwad’s been bouncing me around like an idiot.”
It was unclear whether she meant she was the idiot or he was. I was going to apply her statement to both of them.
“It’s okay,” I said. “But before this goes down, I’ve got to jump in. I have a case to solve, as you well know, and I mean to solve it as quickly as possible. So will you hold off on letting Jelly have it until we get what we need here?”
“Hey!” Jelly protested.
We all ignored him.
“Sure thing,” Jadine said, her flared nostrils settling a bit.
Nodding at her, I faced Dixie. “Hi. I’m Marla Gawama.”
“I know who y’are, hun. Everyone here knows.”
“Right.” I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. “I’ll lay it out nice and simple. I have a case to solve. There’s a leprechaun in town who’s stealing stuff and animals—I mean, magical creatures—and I need to stop him. I’ve been told you have locator magic. Can you locate the leprechaun for us?”
“Sure I can.”
I sighed in relief. Maybe I’d wrap this up before the end of the day after all. “Awesome. How long will it take you to tell us where he is?”
“Not long. A few days.”
“A few days?” I spluttered.
“Yeah. I can do spells to find objects much faster. But if you need one to find a person, it takes longer. And if you need one to find a magical type of being, then I’m figuring it’s gonna take longer still, though I’ve never done it before. The more complex the thing or person I’m finding, the longer it takes to get the spell just right.”
“What if you were to locate one of the things he’s stolen?”
“Then it’d go faster. What’d he take?” Dixie twirled a strand of her long, dirty blond hair and waited expectantly.
But I didn’t want to answer her. Not in front of Jelly and Jadine, who didn’t want Jelly to know.
“Um, Jelly?” I started.
“What?” he growled like he was a grumpy bulldog, with none of a bulldog’s cuteness.
I wasn’t sure how to phrase this diplomatically, so I just came right out and said it. “Will you go?”
When the sides of his mouth dipped even further, making the resemblance to a bulldog more accurate, I added, “Please.”
“Why should I have to leave? I was here first.”
That was the breaking point. I lost what little control I had. Smiling dangerously, I said, “I don’t care that you were here first, just as I don’t care who you’re dunking your dipstick in.”
Dixie winced at my crudeness. Behind me, Aunt Luanne chuckled.
“You can keep doing whatever you want after I do the job I’m here to do. All right?” No one spoke for a moment. “I’m only here because my nan, Bessie Gawama, asked me to figure this crap out. So let me do what I need to do before I lose whatever sanity I have left listening to your squabbles. Got it?”
I gave Jelly my crazy-woman look—eyes narrowed, teeth bared, hair wild. I was sure I looked unhinged.
He stared at me, his own nostrils flaring with his anger, until he finally nodded once. Then he stepped out of the house, “accidentally” bumped Jadine on the hip as she stomped by, and walked between us women as we parted to make way for him.
“Oh no he didn’t,” Jadine seethed.
“Oh yes he just did,” Wanda said, like she was enjoying the show.
“Go get ‘im,” Aunt Luanne told Jadine in the pitch one reserved for pets.
Jadine huffed down the steps with such fury that the wooden planks shook even with the rest of us standing on them. When she barreled down the sidewalk, Jelly turned and notic
ed her. He increased his pace to a brisk walk that wasn’t really all that swift. Jadine waddled after him.
“That’s not gonna work out too well for him,” Aunt Shawna commented.
“No, it’s not,” Wanda said. “Her legs are a lot longer than his. She’s gonna catch him.”
“Hmm, I don’t know,” Aunt Luanne said. “He’s awfully motivated, and though her whole body’s shaking, she’s not going all that fast.”
Jelly Frumpers cast frequent glances over his shoulder as though a guard dog were chasing him. His stubby arms pumped at his sides and his breathing came too heavily; I could tell even from Dixie’s front porch.
“Jadine’s gonna get him for sure,” I said. “He’s got too much of a belly.”
Mesmerized by the scene, we all stood there and watched. Jadine’s hips were wagging to each side so precariously I worried she was going to throw one out. She placed a hand against her side as if she’d already gotten a stitch.
“Jadine needs to start working out,” I observed as Jelly cut across the street, Jadine close to catching him. She followed across, then he looped back around, and started heading back our way, face bright red.
“I can see why she thinks she needs the Spanx,” Wanda said. “Everything’s jiggling.”
Jadine’s butt and thighs were like a Jell-O mold in action as she stormed after Jelly.
“I still wish she’d love herself just the way she is,” Aunt Luanne said. “It’s no good for a woman to criticize herself.”
“Agreed,” Wanda said.
“We’ll have to have her over sometime for a counseling session,” Aunt Shawna said. “Self-love will fix a lot of her problems.”
“Oh!” I gasped, and we all—even Dixie—winced as Jadine tackled Jelly to the sidewalk.
“That’s gotta hurt,” Dixie said.
It had to have. Jelly lay writhing on the ground, not getting up.
Jadine straddled him.
“Is she gonna hurt him or…?” Dixie’s question trailed off.
I grimaced. “I really don’t know.”
Jelly had flipped onto his back under her, and from the looks of things, he’d stopped resisting.