Day of the Living Pizza

by Vickie Johnstone

  Smarts sighed. “That’s good to hear. I guess we could climb out of the window...”

  Barbara waved her head. “That’s not a good idea. The last time I looked there were about ten of the Pizza People in the next garden.”

  “You’re kidding?”

  “I wish. We’re stuck.”

  Barbara sat on the bed and played with the pizza cutter.

  Smarts checked his mobile, which he’d put on silent. Dewdrop had called. He dialled the number.

  “Are you okay, sir?” asked a worried voice.

  “I’ve been better, Dewdrop. I’m upstairs in the house with a young lady... yes, she’s okay. But there is a Living Pizza downstairs, one outside the front door and about 10 in the back garden next door. We’re surrounded...”

  “Backup should be there in a couple of minutes,” said Dewdrop. “Don’t worry, sir. We found the pizza-delivery place and some of our men are on their way there now. We traced all of the pizzas back there. We also found that every single one of the victims loved chicken, but none had requested it on their pizzas. When we rang the pizza place we asked for chicken, but we were told that chicken is off the menu...”

  “How is that..?”

  “Don’t worry, sir,” said Dewdrop, “I’m in one of the cars on my way with Gage. We have to stop somewhere first and then we are coming. He had an idea.”

  Smarts sighed. “Is it a good idea?”

  “Yes sir, it’s a very, very good idea. If it works...”

  “What do you mean, if it works?”

  “Well, we won’t know until we try, will we, sir?” replied Dewdrop.

  Detective Smarts hung up.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Barbara.

  “Nothing, everything is fine,” said Smarts. Truly, he wondered if this would be his last day on Earth and if he would be pizza.

  Chapter 13

  The sound of sirens filled the street. Police cars parked here and there, and men leapt out. They all hid behind their cars. One man stepped forward with a loud speaker in his hand. “Come out now and talk to us. You are surrounded. If you come out now, you will not be harmed.”

  “Pizza!”

  The policemen closest to number 13 peered over the tops of their cars as the figure wandered down the pathway of the house. It was like nothing they had ever seen. A sort of half-comic, half-horror figure. The strangest thing was that it was bright red with a tomato nose, and covered in what looked like the topping of a mushroom and pepperoni pizza.

  “Are those green peppers?” asked one policeman to another.

  “Toby, it looks like... and some olives I believe...”

  “It’s making me hungry, George. That costume!”

  The policeman with the loudspeaker spoke. “Please remove your costume. We cannot see if you have a weapon. Please put your hands up in the air... No harm will come to you...”

  “Pizza!”

  “Please stop where you are!”

  “Pizza!”

  The Living Pizza wandered closer to the line of police cars, unfazed by the attention. His arms outstretched, he wobbled as he walked, the oily pepperoni glistening in the sunshine.

  “I can smell the pizza,” said Toby. “That’s some costume...”

  “It looks like the real thing,” replied George.

  “Stop where you are,” said the man with the loudspeaker as the figure walked closer to him, its squinty yellow eyes fixed on his face. The policeman backed away slightly. The Living Pizza stretched out his fingers towards him. The policeman shivered and put down his loudspeaker. It was real! Really real! That was no costume. He could smell the pepperoni and he had a feeling that this thing wanted him. Without waiting to find out, he turned and ran towards the line of cars.

  Toby and George started laughing.

  “And he always makes out that he’s braver than all of us!” giggled Toby. “Look at Roger Dodger run!”

  “It’s real... it’s real!” shouted Roger, as he ran between the cars. “It’s a real-life Living Pizza!”

  The policemen stared at the frightened man and then opened their mouths to laugh. Just as quickly, they closed them. The Living Pizza smelt like the real thing. They could now see that it wasn’t wearing a costume. It wasn’t wearing anything at all, except a pair of black shoes. And it was walking towards them. Towards them!

  “Men, prepare!” shouted the highest ranking officer.

  Roger stood with Toby and George, who were staring with open mouths. After a while, they put their tongues away. They had totally lost their appetites!

  “Pizza!” it cried, staggering towards them with outstretched arms. Behind it, the door to number 13 opened and another Living Pizza walked out into the street, except there was no pepperoni on this one. It looked like a vegetarian topping.

  Chapter 14

  “Have you always been a policeman?” asked Barbara.

  “Yes, since I left school. My father was a policeman and his father before him. It seemed natural. Now I’m a detective.”

  “Ah, that makes you important,” she smiled, tapping the rolling pin lightly on her palm.

  “I guess so,” said Smarts.

  “Do you think we’ll make it out of here alive?” she asked, blinking. He noticed that her eyes were a light grey and they had flicks of blue in them. He always noticed eyes and hers were rather lovely.

  “I hope so,” he replied. “No, I know so. We definitely will.”

  “Have you ever seen anything like that thing before?” asked Barbara. “Do you know how they got like that? Alice is my friend...”

  “No, to be honest, no, I’ve never seen anything like that before and I don’t know how they got like that. I thought it was a prank. A costume. I didn’t take it seriously.”

  “Do you think it’s a virus or something to do with warfare... a government secret fighting device?” asked Barbara, her eyes widening. She also believed in UFOs, but this probably wasn’t the time to discuss that.

  Smarts laughed. Why were people always thinking there were secret schemes behind everything? He wondered if she believed in extraterrestrials. “Maybe it’s a virus,” he said. “That’s a possibility.”

  “Mmm,” thought Barbara, looking at her hands. “Does that mean we could all become...”

  “Pizzas?”

  “Yes, pizzas...”

  “I hope not,” he said, putting his hand on her shoulder. “Try not to worry. The police are outside. I can hear them.”

  “If the Pizza People get in here, will you save me?” she asked. “I don’t know how to use this pizza cutter... I could never get the hang of them...”

  “Yes,” smiled Smarts. “I will most definitely save you.”

  He crossed his fingers behind his back.

  Chapter 15

  “It’s still coming,” whispered Toby.

  “And it has a girlfriend,” whispered George.

  “Why are you whispering?” asked Roger.

  Toby and George looked at one another, and shrugged.

  “Pizza!” yelled the Living Pizza.

  “Pizza!” yelled the female one behind. She was wearing a dress, so they guessed it was female, whatever it was.

  “Their vocabulary is a bit limited,” noticed Toby.

  “Perhaps their brains are made of pizza!” said Roger.

  “Yuk!” mumbled George, waving his head.

  “Stop!” yelled the nearest policeman as the Living Pizza approached the cars. He was only a few steps away now. “Or we will shoot!”

  The figure stopped suddenly, and moved its head from side to side, as if it understood. Behind, the female figure also stopped walking, her fingers outstretched in front of her. She also moved her head from side to side as if she was thinking.

  The policemen all cocked their guns just in case. But what were they going to shoot? Were they people or were they pizzas? They couldn’t shoot defenceless people who had no weapons. But, pizzas – was it okay to shoot a pizza that was unarmed? The
policemen looked at one another for an answer.

  At that moment, another police car parked a small distance away, and two men got out. One was carrying a blue bag with some writing on the side. The other was a police officer. They quickly approached the waiting policemen.

  “That’s one of them!” pointed Gage, who was carrying the bag.

  “Oh my...” mumbled Dewdrop, but he couldn’t complete the sentence. What was it? “Is that pepperoni?”

  “I think it is,” said Gage. “Along with tomatoes – that’s a big nose – and mushrooms, green peppers and I think those are olives. You know, this could be our suspect in the doctor murders.”

  They ran up to the highest-ranking officer. “Are you in charge?” asked Dewdrop.

  “Yes, I am. You can call me Chief Egg. Who are you?” asked the man. He looked around 50 and very serious.

  “I’m Officer Dewdrop. Detective Smarts is inside the building, sir, with a young girl. They are both okay, as far as I know. They’re upstairs. He told me there was a Pizza Thing inside and another one outside – I guess that’s those two over there!”

  “We could do with Detective Smarts out here,” said Egg. “He has a fine brain.”

  “Indeed, sir,” agreed Dewdrop. “But he also said there are about 10 of these Pizza People, as he called them, in the garden at the back of the house. He said they are dangerous, although they only seem to be able to say one word...”

  “Pizza!” cried the Pepperoni Man.

  “And I guess that was the word,” sighed Chief Egg.

  “We have a plan,” announced Dewdrop. “This is Gage. He’s a microbiologist and also works at the hospital. He carried out the autopsies of the victims and I have to say that I think his idea is quite brilliant.”

  Gage showed the Chief the contents of his bag and explained his story, and his rather brilliant, but simple idea.

  Chief Egg rubbed his head, which was big and bald. A bit like a hard-boiled egg. “Do you really believe that will work?” he asked, frowning.

  “Yes,” said Gage, completely seriously.

  “I doubt it,” scoffed Egg, walking away, tutting. “Men, prepare to shoot if one of those things walk this way. They are not people, but pizzas... it doesn’t matter that they are unarmed...”

  “But they are still people!” shouted Gage. “They’ve just become Living Pizzas!”

  “Rubbish!” yelled Chief Egg. “Men get ready!”

  “Pizza!” mumbled Pepperoni Dude. He had run out of patience, it seemed, because he began to stumble forwards. Behind him, the female figure began to stumble forward also. In the distance, towards the top of the road, appeared a shadowy line of the things, all moving with outstretched arms. All together they cried “Pizza!”

  Dewdrop pursed his lips. “What should we do?”

  Gage smiled a small smile. “There’s only one thing we can do!”

  Chapter 16

  “They’ve moved,” whispered Barbara, peeking out of the garden window. “I can’t see them anymore.”

  “That’s good news,” replied Detective Smarts. “Let’s wait though. And when we get out of here, I’d really like to see you again.”

  Barbara blushed. “Let’s get out of here first!” she laughed.

  Outside the front of the house, the line of Living Pizzas was growing. A whole crowd of them bundled down the street towards the police. “Pizza, pizza!” they wailed. There was pepperoni, vegetarian, mushroom extravaganza, meat feast, Hawaiian – every topping you could imagine... except for one ingredient...

  “Okay, men, as soon as they reach that point there, I want you to open fire,” shouted Chief Egg.

  “I think it’s now or never,” whispered Dewdrop, dipping his hands into Gage’s bag.

  They ran forward just as one of the police officers fired at the Pepperoni Pizza Man.

  “Pizza!” yelled the figure, which staggered as the bullet hit him, but it didn’t make an impact. It sort of bounced off a bit of shiny pepperoni and fell on to the ground.

  Chief Egg stared, horrified. What would they do now?

  “Pizza!” yelled the Living Pizzas, stumbling into the first row of cars.

  “Retreat!” shouted Chief Egg, as the policemen raced to the back of the lines of cars. They prepared their guns.

  Dewdrop and Gage stood somewhere in the middle.

  “Back, Dewdrop!” ordered Chief Egg. “Now!”

  “Sorry, sir, but we have a different plan!”

  “Ready?” asked Gage.

  Dewdrop nodded. They raced forwards, towards the two approaching Living Pizzas and threw two of the objects in their hands at them. They landed with a small squish at the feet of the bright red figures.

  “Pizza?” cried the female Living Pizza, looking down in amazement.

  “Chicken!” replied the Pepperoni Dude. He bent down and picked up the piece of cooked meat, and looked at it. With an “mmm”, he stuffed it into his mouth. He dribbled as he ate.

  Alice watched him and then did the same. It tasted good. Her favourite, she vaguely remembered, as she munched and munched.

  “Throw some more,” yelled Gage, lobbing the pieces of cooked chicken at the crowd of Living Pizza.

  Toby and George rushed forward. “Can we help?”

  “There are bags of chicken in the car!” replied Dewdrop.

  “Okay!” shouted George, as they raced off, joined by the other police officers.

  Chief Egg scratched his head. How was chicken going to work? He dialled the number for the Prime Minister on his mobile. This could be a national emergency and they would need the Army. Evacuation was needed.

  “Pizza!” shouted the Living Pizzas, as they picked up the chicken and started eating. Murmurs of “mmm” began to fill the air all around.

  “Look!” pointed Gage.

  Before their very eyes, the female Living Pizza was changing and becoming more... well... female. The redness in her face and arms began to reduce, and the yellow in her eyes became more brown. Her eyes started to open wider. The vegetarian topping on her face and arms, and hands and legs began to fall off on to the ground. She shook her head, and looked at her hands. Alice glanced down at the mushrooms, peppers and olives surrounding her feet. Her hands were looking normal. She could see skin. She ran forward towards the two men who were throwing chicken.

  “Thank you!” she screamed. “But what’s going on? What happened? What happened to me?”

  Dewdrop put up his hand. “Just stand there, miss. I don’t mean to sound rude, but you were a Walking Pizza a minute ago, and we need to know that we are not in danger. So please just stand there. Or sit, if you like.”

  Alice sat down. Her brain was spinning with questions, but she felt herself for the first time in days. She no longer felt hot, headache-y and, well, just plain weird. “Thank you!” she said again, noticing that Dewdrop had a rather nice smile.

  Pepperoni Man suddenly staggered. The bits of pepperoni, peppers and mushrooms tumbled to the ground all around him. He shook his head. The strange, gloopy red covering on his body slid off, revealing his normal skin beneath. “Where am I?” he asked, and then realised that he was completely naked. “I’m naked?!” Andy hurriedly sat down. Alice glanced back and handed him her hat and scarf to cover himself up. Then, realising that wasn’t quite enough, she passed him her jacket.

  “Thanks,” said Andy, completely confused. He’d been a Living Pizza longer than Alice, and his mind hadn’t returned to normal yet.

  Chapter 17

  “This is looking good,” announced Chief Egg. “Gage, I think you had a most brilliant idea.”

  “Thanks,” he replied, “but Dewdrop helped.”

  Dewdrop blushed as the Chief shook their hands. Ahead of them, the Living Pizzas were returning to their normal, human forms. The ground was littered with an assortment of pizza toppings with one ingredient missing, of course... chicken.

  “So how did you work out the chicken link?” asked Chief Egg.

/>   Gage grinned. “It’s a long story, but the short version is that the pizza place didn’t have chicken... none of the pizzas had chicken on them. We realised that people had been asking for it as it was their favourite. And so I made a guess.”

  “A lucky guess,” said Chief Egg. “Excuse me while I tell the Prime Minister the good news. Of course, this whole incident will have to be kept secret.”

  “Of course,” nodded Dewdrop.

  “We’ll say it was a virus,” said Chief Egg. “Everyone will believe that. No one needs to hear about the Day of the Living Pizzas.”

  “I guess not,” replied Dewdrop.

  When it was all over, and everyone had been turned back to normal by the power of chicken, and a confused Andy had been taken to the police station, Dewdrop and Gage led Alice back into her house. She was still a bit shocked, but really wanted to make them a nice cup of tea to say thank you, and she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Outside, the policemen were going door-to-door, informing the neighbours that there was nothing to worry about – there had been a virus and they had found the antidote.

  “I almost forgot,” mumbled Dewdrop.

  “What?” asked Alice, pouring the tea into a teapot that had a big daffodil on it.

  “My boss, Detective Smarts. He’s still upstairs... and with a young lady...”

  “Young lady?” Alice frowned and then her eyes lit up. “Barbara. I remember I told Barbara to go upstairs. That’s the last thing I remember before...”

  Dewdrop smiled. “Don’t worry. It’s over now. I’ll be back in a mo!”

  With that, Dewdrop bounded up the staircase and checked the doors. One was locked, so he guessed that it was the right one. He knocked. “Detective Smarts, it’s me, Dewdrop. It’s all over.”

  With a rattle, the door opened. Detective Smarts was beaming from ear to ear. “Am I glad to see you? What happened?” Behind him, a young girl with long blonde hair stood, holding a rolling pin.

  “Errm... well, Gage realised that chicken was the key. It was the missing topping and the key to everything. We fed them chicken and they’ve all turned back into humans.”

  “So, no more Pizza People?” asked Barbara, putting down the rolling pin. Her hand ached from gripping it for hours.

  “No more Pizza People!” nodded Dewdrop.