Healers? I feel slightly sick. How can healers commit such a monstrosity?
“They often reduced the girls and women to husks,” Falak continues, her voice hard. “So many lost their minds. Those of us here are lucky we’re still functioning. Raja Subodh was as surprised as anyone else when Esther began seeing living specters again.”
There’s a long silence. Then:
“I think we need to focus on the first problem at hand—which is defense,” I say. “Most of you use lathis easily and can fight one-handed with them. But you also need to start getting used to shields. Magically reinforced shields are much heavier than regular ones. Did the guards have an armory here? With magical weapons?”
Sami nods. “There’s a pile of weapons lying in a room here, gathering dust. We’ve not used them, though—except for the lathis. The maces were too heavy for most of us to wield. And Esther Didi banned the use of swords a few years ago, after a couple of women got seriously injured. We melted them down and reshaped them to use as kitchen knives.”
I bite back a curse. Then again, the way things were, there probably wasn’t enough time to learn how to use new weapons.
“Can the lathis be reinforced somehow?” I ask. If I shattered Roda’s weapon without my daggers, then it has no hope of withstanding a Sky Warrior’s atashban.
Sami and Falak frown at each other, as if having a silent conversation.
“We can use some Jwaliyan iron to reinforce them,” Falak finally says, turning to me. “One of the women is a good smith.”
“I’ve never fought with a shield before,” Sami says. “But how hard could it be?”
“Don’t knock yourself in the head with one and you should be fine,” Roda says, receiving a light kick from Sami in response.
“Sami!” Falak admonishes. “She’s injured!”
“Oh, please, Falak Didi. I have a hard head.” To demonstrate, Roda rises to her feet, still slightly wobbly, but standing without any help. She turns to me.
“Don’t underestimate us, Star Warrior. We are stronger than we look. We want you to use your magic on us. Right, Legion?”
A few cheers rise behind her. But not everyone looks as eager. A few of the older women avoid my gaze; clearly my magic has made them nervous.
“I think we need to see what can be done to ensure practice happens in a more, uh, controlled environment,” Falak says, watching me closely. “We’ll make sure Kali joins in on every one of our practices. Will that work for you, Star Warrior?”
Perhaps. Perhaps not. But right now, I know it will do no good to express my doubts.
“Maybe Kali can give you some tips to regain your magic,” I say instead. “Also, please call me Gul, Falak Didi. All of you. I feel strange being given honorifics or titles I don’t deserve.”
“Very well, Gul.” A smile flashes across Falak’s stern face: a wink of sunlight through a cloud.
“Sounds good to me—Gul.” Roda nods.
Everyone turns to face Sami, who appears to struggle with herself for a moment. Then she sighs. “Fine,” she says. “Gul.”
8
GUL
I’m in a nightmare again. When I wake, my throat is raw from screaming, my jaw aching from being clenched tight. Fingers brush my wet cheek, a soft voice whispering that I’m safe.
Cavas. Here again.
“Sorry I woke you,” I say.
“You didn’t wake me. I barely sleep most days. Too many nightmares of my own.”
His thumb lightly strokes my lower lip, and despite the pain, warmth unfurls in my belly. His other hand holds mine, firm and steady, almost lulling me to sleep again.
“I hear you did magic today at practice,” he says.
I force my body to stay relaxed and not freeze the way it wants to. Of course. That’s why Cavas is really here. To make sure I stay on track for his revenge plan.
Remorse follows shortly after I have the petty thought. Goddess, I hope he didn’t hear that!
But there’s no shift in Cavas’s expression, which remains curious and a little worried.
I release a breath and shrug. “I did. I mean, I didn’t kill anyone yet.”
“I know this is hard for you,” Cavas says, his frown deepening. On closer observation, I notice that his eyes are bloodshot and that there are bags under them. “Also, I don’t want you to feel like I’m only here to talk to you about this.”
I stroke his arm, trying to distract him from the guilty flush flooding my face.
It works. “I … It’s hard sometimes,” he says, watching my hand. “I talk to Esther Didi and my mother from time to time, but it’s not the same. You’re the only other person who was there. When Papa was killed.”
“I know,” I whisper.
Trust Cavas to make me regret every spiteful thought I’ve had about him in the last few seconds.
“Sometimes I wish my brain was like a slate,” he says. “That I could take a cloth and sponge it clean again. Right now, all I’m doing is making futile attempts to revise the past. Or write a future that involves so much violence it terrifies me. When we first met, I didn’t get why you were hell-bent on taking revenge on Raja Lohar. I mean, I understood on a basic level, but it wasn’t the same as it is now—like a hook under my skin, constantly prodding me to take action.”
I say nothing. Who am I to lecture Cavas on the perils of revenge?
And so, a moment later, when he tries to pull away, I tighten my hold on his arm.
“Wait,” I say, moving to make more room on the bed. “Stay awhile.” Then, realizing what I implied, I hastily add: “Only to sleep. Nothing more.”
“You mean, I can trust you to be honorable?” His eyes sparkle with amusement.
“I thought I could keep watch over you for a change.”
He hesitates and then lies down next to me, flat on his back, his hand still clasped in mine. Eventually, I fall asleep, waking up only when dawn breaks, Cavas’s side of the bed empty, but still warm.
* * *
“Will you help me?” I ask Kali quietly as we eat a simple meal of bajra roti and black lentils. Cavas and Esther, having finished their lunch, are outside now, checking the boundary for faded specters.
“Of course I will,” Kali says at once. “What do you need me to do?”
I tell her about my old practice sessions with Amira in Javeribad. “She’d shoot a spell at me and I’d have to repel it with magic. I’m planning to do some easy spells—you know, blasts of air and stuff. Have the women deflect me without magic as much as possible.”
In Javeribad, Amira didn’t exactly hit me with killing spells, either, I reason. Only magic that knocked me off my feet.
“Sounds good.” Kali uses the last bit of roti to wipe her plate clean. “Though you do realize you’ll have to use death magic during practice at some point. The Sky Warriors won’t be hitting us with air.”
I say nothing, watching Roda and her friends talking and laughing a few feet away. Kali’s right, of course. Most of these women have never faced an atashban. Those who fought against the Sky Warriors twenty years ago are probably dead by now, and those who remain are having trouble regaining their drained magic. Speaking of which—
“Sami told me she had felt a few sparks when she tried doing magic,” I tell Kali. “I think some of the others might have as well. Could you work with them? Give them a few tips? I mean, Cavas and I practiced again this morning, but we still have a lot of work to do before we can combine our powers properly. Anything could help. I might feel better about shooting attacking spells at them if they could defend themselves.”
“I’m happy to try,” Kali says.
She’s staring at the mess hall’s newest arrival: Sami. As if sensing Kali’s gaze, Sami looks up. A shy smile lights up her face—quite at odds with her typical gregarious cheer. Next to me, Kali’s pale skin flushes a light pink.
Interesting.
Kali raises an eyebrow at me. “If you grin any more widely, your teeth will fall
out.”
“Says the woman whose eyes are about to pop out of her own head.”
Kali’s face doesn’t light up with its usual humor. She frowns at her empty plate. “There’s a war at hand, Gul,” she says finally. “We don’t know what will happen tomorrow.”
The old Gul—the one who plunged headfirst into so many things without thinking of the consequences—would have argued, would have asked Kali if a fear of the future meant that we ought to stop living today. But her quiet words make me hold my tongue, weigh me down in a way I did not anticipate.
Kali waits in silence until I finish my meal. “Shall we go, then?” Her face is calm again. I nod.
We walk in silence toward the courtyard outside the temple at the west end of the city. Since we’re a little early, I use a bit of chalk to draw a large circle on the ground—big enough for three people to stand inside it and spar. The roof of the activities building is much too small to train fifty women at once, so I suggested a different training ground for the women. Moments after I pocket the chalk, the Legion begin arriving in small groups.
Their eyes narrow against the afternoon sun, and their gazes study me from head to toe. By now, everyone knows what happened to Roda on the roof, and even the skeptical ones are curious.
Footsteps hammer the earth; I glance around to see Esther arriving with Cavas.
“I think he should watch us, since you both are training together,” Esther says. “Is that okay with you, Gul?”
I nod. Cavas gives me a slight smile.
Grateful that I can blame the sun for my flaming cheeks, I turn to face the women again. My heart beats so quickly I’m certain they can see it pumping through my clothes.
“Thank you for being here,” I begin. “And thank you for trusting me to lead you in this war against the usurper queen Shayla. I am not going to lie or pretend I have everything figured out. I really don’t.”
No one talks anymore. But I can feel them listening. Kali gives me an encouraging nod.
“I’m hoping I can rely on you to guide me,” I continue. “Esther Didi, Falak Didi, Kali—you are more experienced than I am at leading groups into battle. Will you advise me?”
“Of course,” Esther says at once.
“I’ll help you, Star Warrior,” Falak says, looking pleased.
“Why else do you think I’m here, silly girl?” Kali nudges my elbow.
I release a breath. “All right. The first thing we need to work on is defense against magical spells. Some of you mentioned that you occasionally felt sparks of power emerging when you tried to meditate. But if you still want to try to see if you can access your powers, Kali can help. Kali?”
Kali is as short as I am, but as always, when speaking to a crowd, she appears taller, her voice magnified in the practiced way of leading the novices at the Sisterhood during training.
“I was in a labor camp the way you were,” she says. “With a little luck and a lot of help from a brave woman and a braver girl, I escaped the place. With patience and meditation, I regained my powers. I can’t guarantee you will do the same. But I can try to help you. If you want me to.”
“Yes!” Sami looks a little flustered when every gaze focuses on her. She clears her throat and smiles. “I mean, of course we appreciate the extra help.”
Kali begins to smile back—for real—before a frown overtakes her face again. She nods coolly, not seeming to notice Sami’s crestfallen expression.
On instinct, Cavas and I lock gazes. He raises an eyebrow, as if to say, What’s up with them?
I mouth, Later.
“Anyone interested in trying to regain their powers can stay back once Gul finishes her session,” Kali says. “Gul?”
“Right.” I give Sami my best smile to make up for Kali’s indifference. “Why don’t you divide into pairs? I’ll cast a spell, and you try to defend yourselves against it as best as you can. You can throw your spears or knives at me, can do anything to protect yourselves.”
Roda and Sami are the first to volunteer. I raise my daggers and without warning shoot a blast of air, making Sami duck under the white light. It’s soon clear that Roda and Sami are much better at dodging spells than sending retaliatory attacks—or that’s what I think until Roda eventually throws a rock that I’m forced to blast away, and Sami sneaks up from behind, slamming a lathi against the backs of my knees.
For a moment, I lie on the ground, slightly dizzy, and find their worried faces looking down at me. I can’t help but laugh. “Am I dead or something? That was good!”
I get up, shaking off my stupor. “I think working in pairs might be your best option when it comes to fighting Sky Warriors.”
It’s the right thing to say because Roda and Sami look pleased and the women behind them suddenly look a lot more confident. I am about to raise my daggers again in attack when Kali stops me.
“Wait,” she says. “Could you come here for a bit, Gul?”
“I’ll be right back,” I tell the women before walking to where Kali and Cavas are now standing. “What’s up?” I ask them.
“I don’t think you should practice against all twenty-five pairs of women on your own—even if it is simply shooting air,” Kali says. “Cavas agrees with me.”
“The morning’s meditation session was pretty draining,” he says quietly. “I’m exhausted. I’m sure you must be, too.”
I’m about to argue when I feel the pinches of another headache creeping up the back of my skull. My nose, stupid thing, must be bleeding again. When I brush a finger against my nostrils, I find that true.
“Let me take over,” Kali says. “You need to rest. Conserve your energy.”
“I’ve only worked with one pair so far.” Desperation creeps into my voice. “It’s too early in the lesson. They’ll think I’ve betrayed them. Or that I’m weak. I’m supposed to be their leader!”
My words—and the truth in them—surprise me. I didn’t think I cared that much about being shunned by the Legion. But I’d forgotten what it feels like to be listened to, how good it feels to be looked at with an expression that isn’t frank hostility. Also, deep down, I secretly miss doing magic that isn’t whispering. My death magic can be unstable and terrifying, but it’s also the only time I don’t feel completely powerless.
“What use will you be if you can’t fight later?” Cavas tells me now. “Good leaders know when to attack, yes. But they also know when to retreat.”
“It won’t look like that to the Legion,” I point out. “As is, they don’t trust me to do magic during practice.”
And are you doing magic, Gul? Really doing the sort of magic they’ll face? a voice taunts in my head. I push it aside.
“Gul—” Cavas begins.
“How about a compromise?” Kali cuts in. “You practice with twelve pairs, Gul, while I practice with thirteen.”
“I take thirteen or you don’t have a deal.”
Kali rolls her eyes. “Fine. Thirteen for you, then.”
By the time practice ends, blood has stained the collar of my tunic and I’m ready to collapse on the ground. But none of the women have been injured with more than bruises and scrapes. And there’s something in the eyes of the Legion that I hadn’t seen before.
Respect.
“Same time tomorrow?” I ask them.
“Yes, Gul!”
“Yes!”
“Yes!”
Voices echo, one after another, each one lightening my mood. Slowly, women begin trickling away. About thirty remain behind to try to access their magic with Kali.
“We’re going to try to meditate now,” Kali says, giving me an approximation of her usual smile. She looks nearly as exhausted as I do.
I nod. Most of the women who want to try to regain their lost magic are younger, like Roda and her friends. Sami is there, too, and despite her indifference, I know Kali is aware of this, her face paler than usual.
“Good luck,” I say, not knowing if the words are for the women, Sami, or my troubled
gray-eyed friend.
* * *
That night, when I head to bed after dinner, Cavas follows without a word. I say nothing when he slides under the covers next to me. Nor when he reaches out and takes hold of my hand.
“What does it feel like to have a complement?” he asks.
“Strange,” I say. “I didn’t know—couldn’t even sense you were in my head. Seeing the sky goddess and everything.”
“If you don’t want me to, I won’t. I’ll make up an excuse.”
“I don’t really mind. What about you?” I turn my head to see his expression. In the darkness, I can’t see much, except for the shadowy outline of his profile.
“I don’t mind, either.”
“Are you sure?” I face the ceiling once more. My heart pounds in my throat. “I mean, I know I’m not the easiest person to be around. If you want to be with someone else…” My voice trails off as the bed shifts, Cavas’s breath warm against my cheek.
“Why would you say that?” he demands. “Do you want to be with someone else?”
“No! It’s … I was just thinking about what you told Subodh the night the bounty hunters attacked. About finding a replacement and … Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
He sighs. “Gul, all I know is that every time I’ve tried to leave you, something has stopped me. And that something isn’t our magical bond.”
What is it, then? I want to ask.
But I’m too afraid to say the words out loud. Too afraid to broach a conversation alluding to a future neither of us can see. Cavas doesn’t elaborate on his statement, either.
“Is it okay if I sleep here?” he asks after a pause. “If you’re uncomfortable, I can go—”
“No. Stay.”
Cowardly though I may be about discussing my feelings, I know I don’t want to be alone tonight.
“Might as well save yourself a trip later, when I have a nightmare,” I add.
He laughs. “Right.”
There’s a long silence, during which I hear nothing except for our breaths. Then:
“Ready?” Cavas asks. His voice trembles and I know he’s thinking about the night ahead, full of unseen terrors that we both have to meet.
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