CHAPTER IX
A HARD TIME
"I have not that alacrity of spirit Nor cheer of mind that I was wont to have."
Time seemed to pass very rapidly away, and I could scarcely realize itwhen I found I had been more than a year at The Hollies. I was now atall girl of thirteen, with a considerable idea of the dignity of myage, and much resented anyone alluding to me as "a child". My auntthought me greatly improved, and spoke in warm praise of Mrs. Marshall'ssystem of education; while as for me, my life at San Carlos seemed sucha past tale that it was difficult to believe I had ever been the forlornlittle stranger who had landed in England with so many doubts and fearsonly three years ago. You must not think, however, that I had entirelyforgotten my home and the dear old friends of my childhood. I still sentwarm messages to Juanita and Tasso and the other members of ourhousehold, though I could no longer speak their language; and I liked tohear accounts of them in my father's letters, while I believe on theirpart they all looked forward to seeing their little signorina one day intheir midst again. It was perhaps only natural after all that my newlife should in some measure erase the old one from my mind; it was whatmy father had desired, and if I were beginning to think that England wasfar more to me than the country I had left, he would be the first torejoice over my altered views. So far from feeling any danger of myaffection for him being weakened, he knew that my change of opinionsonly tightened the bond between us, since the older and wiser I grew, somuch the more would I be able to appreciate him and enjoy hiscompanionship when we should meet again.
I was now in the third form at school, as I had been moved up withBlanche, Janet, and Cathy, and found myself the youngest in a classwhich had a reputation both for quick wits and hard work. Miss Percy wasour teacher, and, though in many respects an excellent one, she was awoman of narrow sympathies and strict discipline; very different fromkindly Miss Buller, who had always tried to make the rough paths oflearning as smooth as possible for our stumbling feet. Anotherdisagreeable point of my promotion was that I had Ernestine Salt for aclass-mate, and however much I might dislike her I must perforce bethrown continually into her society. As you may imagine, she did notwelcome my advent, giving me to understand that she considered me anintruder among girls who were all older than myself, and that myadvancement was only due to Mrs. Marshall's partiality. Lucy hadremained behind in the upper fourth. Never a very clever girl, she hadlittle ambition, and was quite content if she could scrape along withoutincurring any specially severe reproof from her teachers. Though I lovedher as my cousin, I felt she occupied quite a different place in myheart from my darling Cathy. It is perhaps only possible to have onevery dearest friend, and while Cathy seemed to win all my love andadmiration, and to appeal to everything that was highest and best in me,Lucy's tastes were based so much on the lines of Aunt Agatha that Ifound we had little in common. I saw less of her now than ever, for,Mary having come to The Hollies this term, Mrs. Marshall had arrangedfor the sisters to sleep together, while to my great delight I wasallowed to share a vacant bedroom with Cathy. We moved our householdgoods into our new quarters with much noise and chattering. My case ofSouth American butterflies was accorded the place of honour over thechimney-piece, together with the portrait of my father; the brush whichCathy had won at the Everton Meet hung proudly over her wash-stand; myviews of San Carlos were distributed about the walls; while photos ofMarshlands and the Winstanley family in every conceivable positionadorned our chests-of-drawers and dressing-table.
"I feel as if we were relations now you have come to share my room,"said Cathy. "I've always longed for a younger sister, so I'm going toadopt you, Philippa dear, and try to believe that you're really andtruly mine. You haven't any mother of your own, so I shall put _my_mother's photo in the middle of the dressing-table that she may belongto us both. She has always called you her second little daughter."
I found the work in my new class taxed my exertions to the uttermost.Mrs. Marshall had a very high standard as to what should be requiredfrom girls of our age, and it was only with the greatest difficulty Iwas able to keep up to it. Without Cathy's help I must most certainlyhave failed. She was a true friend in need. She would patiently go overmy preparation with me, explaining difficult rules, repeating dates andvocabularies again and again to fix them in my memory, or showing me soclearly and concisely the reasons for the various problems inmathematics, that I felt I could learn more easily from her than fromour teachers. My one haunting fear was that Mrs. Marshall shouldconsider me below the level of the class and should send me down againinto the fourth, for to be thus banished from Cathy seemed the worstthat fate could hold in store for me. Never very robust I worked farbeyond my strength, and the continual strain began at last to tell uponmy health. I grew thin and pale, I was troubled with a perpetualheadache, and I sometimes indulged in unreasonable fits of crying, whichincurred the severe reproof of Miss Percy, who had no sympathy with"nerves".
"I can't help it--I can't, indeed!" I confided to Cathy after one ofthese outbreaks. "My head feels so chock full of facts I sometimes thinkit won't hold any more. When I look at my book the letters seem to dancebefore my eyes, and I mix up mathematics with history and want to talkGerman in the French class."
"Tell Mrs. Marshall, and ask her to knock something off," suggestedCathy.
"No, no! She would only say the class was too difficult for me, and sendme down, and unless I can stay up here with you and Janet life simplyisn't worth living. Never mind, I'll manage to worry on somehow, if onlyMiss Percy would let me alone!"
Unfortunately that was exactly what Miss Percy would not do. She hadtaken it into her head that I was hysterical, and that my whims andfancies must not on any account be humoured. I dare say she thought shewas only doing her duty, but she harried me continually. An untiedhair-ribbon, a blot on my exercise, an ink-stain on my finger, or anawkward attitude in class, were occasions for instant and severefault-finding. No doubt they were all little defects which called foramendment, but she made the mistake of dealing with them too hardly. Ibelieve, if people would only realize it, that overwork and ill-healthare often responsible for many tiresome habits in growing girls. It wascertainly so in my case; I sat crooked because my back ached, I lolledon my desk because I was really tired, I fidgeted from sheer nervousnesswhen I felt Miss Percy's eye upon me, and when, having brought down allthe vials of her wrath upon my head, I ended by bursting into tears, itwas hard to be accused of temper or sullenness when I felt I would havegiven the whole world for a kind word.
I think we all suffered much from the deadly sameness of our life. Inthe summer-time we were allowed a considerable amount of leisure, whichwe spent in the garden at croquet, tennis, or archery, but during thewinter months the play hours were greatly curtailed and extra classesadded, while the only exercise we took was a short daily "crocodile"walk, with hockey for an hour on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Girls who arenot boarders do not feel this lack of variety. The walk to and fromschool, and, above all, the different subjects which are discussed athome, make a change of thought and a wholesome break; but the monotonyof spending week after week meeting no one except teachers andcompanions, discussing nothing but school topics, never seeing anewspaper or a magazine or hearing what is going on in the outsideworld, is apt to have a rather depressing influence upon somedispositions. The teachers, seeing us all day long, were inclined toworry too much over our small faults, while we on our side, havinglittle else to distract our minds, were wont to magnify our woes out ofall just proportion. Miss Percy's nagging only seemed to make my faultsthe worse.
"I never seem able to please her," I grumbled one day at breakfast-time."If I say my lessons correctly she tells me I'm twitching my hands orwrinkling my forehead; and then if I try to think about my hands and myforehead the lessons go right out of my mind, so I'm wrong either way.It seems no use trying."
"She's horribly mean," sighed Janet, who suffered at times herself. "Myexercise was quite right yesterday, but she made me copy it all o
utagain, just because I had four mistakes in spelling. It was really toobad."
"I could forgive her the exercises," said Millicent, "if she'd only makestronger coffee. This cup of mine is simply dish-water. I wish Mrs.Marshall would come down again at breakfast-time, it used to be ever somuch better when she poured out."
"Let us get up a round robin and beg her to come!" laughed Cathy. "Wecould say we'd missed her charming conversation."
"Quietly! Quietly!" said Miss Percy from the other end of the table, forCathy had raised her voice above the low undertone in which we had beenspeaking.
"We might ask her to give 'coffee' as the next conversation topic," saidJanet, "and then Millicent could announce that she liked it strong, asher intelligent remark."
"It's the chicory I object to," said Millicent; "I loathe the smell ofit. I'm sure it oughtn't to have any in. Ought it, Phil?"
"Certainly not," I replied. "I wish you could have tasted the coffee weused to have at San Carlos. You'd never forget it. It came from our ownplantations, and Pedro used to roast it and grind it just before hepoured the water on. I've often watched him make it. That was reallyworth calling coffee."
"Pity we can't import him over here to give the cook a lesson," saidJanet. "But I expect there's something in the quality, and how much youput in the pot. Will you have another cup, Milly?"
"No, thank you! One is enough of this brew. Here comes thebread-and-butter plate. I hope it'll all be finished before it comes tome, for I don't want any more."
Among many rules at The Hollies there was a law that nothing must beleft upon the table, and the bread-and-butter was always severely passedround till the plate was empty. On this particular day I was not hungry,and when the last piece was offered to me I promptly declined it. Cathyquickly and quietly handed it on to Janet, who was in the very act oftaking it when Miss Percy's voice bade her pause.
"Did I notice you refuse that piece of bread-and-butter, PhilippaSeaton?" she asked.
"Yes, Miss Percy," I replied.
"And why?"
"I'm not hungry," I said nervously.
"But you know the rule?"
"I suppose I do."
"Then why did you not take it?"
"I've had enough, Miss Percy," I blurted out. "I simply can't eat anymore!"
She looked at me with infinite scorn.
"Cannot eat any more! Then you _must_ have been greedy if you find itabsolutely impossible to finish even this little piece. I will not urgeyou after such a plea, but I think you may well be ashamed of yourexcuse."
I felt keenly the injustice of the suggestion, but I was powerless toretort. It was but a sample of her methods of training us, and to have"answered back" would have been an offence liable to be visited withheavy punishment. So far from over-eating myself I had generally littleappetite for breakfast, and made the merest apology for a meal. As aresult of this, by eleven-o'clock recreation I would find I was wildlyhungry, but as we had no lunch at The Hollies I was obliged to waituntil the one-o'clock dinner, by which time I was almost faint for wantof food. How often have I evaded Miss Percy's sharp eye, and, dodgingdown the back-staircase, have begged a piece of bread or a hot potatofrom the sympathetic cook, to be eaten surreptitiously behind mypocket-handkerchief in the playground! I have even bribed the housemaidto buy me biscuits and smuggle them into my locker, incurring therebyboth the risk of her dismissal and my own disgrace, for it was one ofthe strictest rules of the school that the girls should obtain noprivate supplies.
It is, I suppose, almost impossible for any mistress, howeverconscientious, to give to forty different pupils the same care andattention as they would receive at home. I am sure Mrs. Marshallthought she took every precaution to secure our health, and if I hadbeen definitely ill or in pain she would have been kindness itself; butit is so difficult sometimes to tell whether a girl is really ailing oronly shirking her work, that unless we complained of special symptoms nonotice was taken of our general condition, so my pale cheeks andincreased lassitude passed without comment. I felt the meaning of theold adage: "A sound mind in a sound body". I found myself worrying mostabsurdly over trifles which would not have distressed me to nearly suchan extent if I had been able to distract my thoughts. After all, schoolis one's little world, and a bad mark, an unjust reproof, or a quarrelwith a companion at the time, seem as overwhelming troubles as any wemay encounter in after-life.
Matters went on from bad to worse. In my struggles to keep up to thestandard of my class I began the foolish habit of smuggling my booksinto my bedroom, that I might take a last glance at my lessons before Igot into bed, and I would lie repeating French verbs or Germangrammatical rules to myself long after the gas in the passage had beenturned out. It was but a natural consequence that I could not sleep.Night after night I have tossed and turned, trying first one side of mypillow and then the other to cool my burning head, counting the strokesas the clock struck midnight, and feeling as if the dead silence of thehouse grew almost unbearable. There is perhaps nothing so lonely as tolie awake while others sleep; the darkness of the room oppressed me, itwas terrible to open my eyes and see nothing but blackness around me,out of which my imagination would conjure up ghostly figures stealingaround my bed. Had I dared I would have begged for a night-light, but Iknew full well that such fancies would meet with scant sympathy at MissPercy's ears. The sound of Cathy's quiet breathing made me feel asthough she were miles away, but I was not selfish enough to wake her upto console me in my misery, and after tossing about for hours I would atlast fall asleep, to find the unwelcome bell ringing in my ears before Iseemed out of my first troubled dream.
I woke up one morning, after a restless night such as this, feeling limpand irritable, and very unable to cope with the world in general. Therewas a tiresome rule at The Hollies that before we left our rooms wemust take each sheet and blanket separately off our beds, fold them,and place them in a neat pile upon a chair.
"It's a stupid custom," said Cathy, grumbling for the hundredth time asshe struggled to get the four corners of her coverlet even. "I can'timagine why we shouldn't turn the clothes over the end of the bed as wedo at home. They would air just as well, or better. There's the bellringing now, and I haven't my collar on! Be quick, Phil, let me help youto tie your hair. We must simply fly or we shall both be late."
I had absolutely no time to arrange my bed. I seized the sheets andblankets all together, and, rolling them in one untidy bundle, I flungthem upon a chair. I did not even look to see if the room were in order,but, buttoning my dress as I went, I tore down the passage, just in timeto slip into the dining-room behind Cathy, as Mrs. Marshall opened theBible to read prayers. We began lessons immediately after breakfast. Thewhole school assembled first in the large class-room for call-over, andI had taken my place and was arranging my books in order, giving a lastdesperate glance at the dates in my history and the troublesomegenealogy of the House of Stuart. We rose and curtsied when Miss Percyentered, and she bowed and wished us good-morning, in accordance withthe formal etiquette which we practised at The Hollies, but instead ofseating herself as usual, she placed a few things which I could not seeupon the chair, and advanced a little forward with an air of more thanusual gravity upon her face.
"Philippa Seaton," she said impressively, "I feel that I have borne longenough with your careless and shiftless ways. For some time now I havemade every effort to help you to cure yourself of many bad habits, butinstead of seeing any improvement it appears to me that you allowyourself to neglect even the ordinary rules of the school. This morningI visited your bedroom. I found your bed-clothes in utter confusion upona chair, your nail-brush evidently unused, your comb left full of hairsupon the dressing-table, a pair of boots, a slipper, and a shoe-hornlying upon the floor, while this bag full of cotton reels was flungunder your wash-stand. I am determined that for once I will teach you alesson, and I shall pin these articles on to your back, in the hope thatby showing your disgrace to the whole school I may help you to rememberto be more neat and
orderly in the future. Come here!"
In much fear and trembling I approached her. She turned to the chair,where (it would have been ludicrous if it had not all been so horriblysolemn) my comb, my boots, my slipper, my shoe-horn, and my bag ofcottons lay piled in a tragic little heap. She fastened them securely onto my dress with safety-pins, till I looked like a gipsy pedlar or anold clotheswoman, and bade me return to my place. Burning withindignation I sat down. All my pride was wounded and the tears cameswimming into my eyes. I felt she had no right to treat me thus. Therewere certain fair and recognized penalties for neglected duties at whichI should not have rebelled, but to be made a laughing-stock for thewhole school was out of all proportion to my offence. I could see theamused smile with which Ernestine Salt nudged her companion, and knewhow unmercifully she would tease me afterwards, and the thought that Imust spend the entire morning with these absurd things dangling on myback was almost more than my spirit could brook. I gulped back my tearssufficiently to answer "present" when my name was called, and sat,fighting with my face and trying not to feel that every girl in the roomwas looking at me. There was a slight tug at my dress behind, and Cathycautiously thrust a tiny scrap of paper into my hand. I managed to readit unobserved: "She's the hatefullest thing that ever was," it ran. "Butnever mind; don't let her think you care." I scrunched up the paper andheld up my head. After all, why should I care? I had committed no verydesperate sin, and I knew that nearly everyone must be secretly insympathy with me. I would brave it out, and show Miss Percy that thoughshe might inflict any punishment she chose she was not able to crush myspirit entirely. As to Ernestine Salt, I would defy her, sneer as shemight. It was unfortunate for me that my first lesson of the day shouldbe with Miss Percy. With the wretched boots and bobbins sticking into mewhenever I attempted to lean back in my seat, I felt in anything but adocile or tractable frame of mind, and, though she certainly would nothave allowed it, I do not think she herself was in the best of tempers.She corrected Janet sharply for stooping, reduced Millicent to the veryverge of tears, and even found fault with Cathy's beautifully neat andtidy exercise. We were learning the geography of India, a large map ofwhich hung over the black-board, and in the course of the lesson we wereeach required in turn to indicate the positions of certain rivers andcities of the Punjaub. I was sitting in class next to Ernestine Salt,and as I rose hastily up to step forward and take the pointer, shesuddenly put out her foot, as if by chance, exactly at the moment when Ipassed her. I tripped, made a desperate effort to save myself, caughtwildly at the easel, and fell, sending black-board, map, pegs, pointer,and all with a horrible crash on to the floor.
There was dead silence in the room as I picked myself up. Miss Percyraised the fallen easel and the torn map, and looked at me with whitelips.
"What is the meaning of this, Philippa Seaton?" she asked.
"I couldn't help it," I answered, rather sullenly I am afraid. "I--Ibelieve I tripped."
"No other girl has tripped. You are either irredeemably awkward or havecaused this accident by deliberate intention. I very much fear it is thelatter."
"You've no right to say so!" I burst out defiantly, roused out of alldiscipline by her tone. "I've told you I couldn't help it, and if youcan't believe my word I should like you to take me to Mrs. Marshall."
"You shall certainly go to Mrs. Marshall when she is at liberty,"replied Miss Percy in freezing tones. "But in the meantime I am notgoing to interrupt the lesson on your behalf. You will stand there bythe door, holding the broken pointer in your hand, till the class isover."
I do not think Miss Percy was altogether happy at that moment, but I amsure she was not so miserable as I. I knew well I had done wrong toanswer her so rudely, and the sense of my own shortcomings, added to thefeeling of hot wrath against her injustice and unkindness, made it themost horribly difficult thing in the world to stand there, the targetfor all eyes. My head ached as if it would burst, and I rested my wearyweight first on one foot and then on another. Each minute felt hours tome as the lesson slowly dragged along. I pressed my trembling handstogether, and tried with a desperate effort to keep my eyes steadilyfixed on the clock over the chimney-piece; but somehow the figures allseemed at once to be mixed together, the room swam before me in a kindof blur, I heard Miss Percy's voice as if it were a very long way offasking me something I could not hear, and then all was utter darkness.
When I came to myself I was lying on the sofa in the library. Mrs.Marshall was bending over me, bathing my head with eau de Cologne, andMiss Buller was fanning me with a palm-leaf screen.
"Are you better, my dear?" asked Mrs. Marshall anxiously. "Don't try toget up. Drink this glass of water and lie down again."
"What happened?" I asked. "How did I come here?"
"You fainted in the class-room, but you must not talk about it now. Iwish you to rest for a while, and then Miss Buller shall bring you somebeef-tea."
"I don't want any, thank you!" I said, trying to raise myself a little,but my head swam so strangely and I felt so giddy and queer that I wasglad to sink back again upon the sofa cushions.
"I think we had better put you to bed," said Mrs. Marshall, adding in anundertone to Miss Buller: "If she is not better by this evening, I shallcertainly send for the doctor."
I was not better by the evening; my hands were burning hot, and my headfelt so unusually light that I could scarcely recognize the many peoplewho seemed to come in and out of my room. I knew that when I asked forwater Miss Buller was always ready with the glass in her hand, I thoughtonce that Cathy was sobbing quietly behind the curtain of my bed, and Iam certain that Mrs. Marshall never left me all night.
"It is a decided case of nervous breakdown, due to overwork," I heardthe doctor saying. "You must keep her very quiet, and I will see heragain in the morning."
There were no more lessons for me that term. As soon as I was wellenough to travel Aunt Agatha took me herself for a fortnight toBrighton, where the restful uneventful days and the invigoratingsea-breezes soon brought back the roses to my cheeks, and gave meuntroubled sleep and peaceful dreams at night. I think this episode, andsomething which the doctor had said, must have caused Mrs. Marshallseriously to reconsider the rules of the school and the hours of ourwork. She was a sensible woman, most conscientious over our well-being,and ever ready to adopt new ideas if she believed them to be better thanthe old ones. When I returned to school at the beginning of the nextterm, I found that our time-table was completely changed. The hours ofwork were considerably relaxed, and instead of the stupid walks up anddown the high-road, we were taken almost daily rambles over the hills orin the beautiful woods by the river. Miss Percy had mysteriouslydisappeared, and her place was filled by a new teacher who was fond ofnatural history, and who encouraged us to find specimens of stones,leaves, or flowers, explaining them with so much enthusiasm that thestupidest girl could not fail to be interested. The new scheme answeredwell; the extra time given to outdoor recreation was not wasted, for wewent back to our books with fresh zeal; and I think we really gotthrough as much work as we had done before, if not in the actual numberof pages learnt, at any rate in the amount we remembered afterwards.
The Fortunes of Philippa: A School Story Page 10