Reaching for Home (House of Garner Book 3)

by Erin R Flynn

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  He shrugged. “I love her, and she loves me. I can ask for no more than that.”

  “You should. I love them equally. I absolutely love Jaxon as much as I love Darius. I love them for different reasons, but choosing one over the other would kill something inside of me. I couldn’t do it.”

  “Someday you will find one that you love most.”

  “Why? Why does that have to be the way?” I argued. “Does Nora love one of her children most? No, parents love them the same, or they’re supposed to and most do.”

  “If you never do and you always love Jaxon as you do, I thank you as his father, as knowing he could face the hurt most nobles do with their princesses is something that weighs very heavily on those of us who know that pain. That or if they never know it, they will feel the jealousy and anger of other nobles in their court who would give anything to be their princess’s favorite.”

  “It’s so cruel to keep them at your side and not love them the same,” I whispered, my heart aching for him. “I don’t know how you do it.”

  He shrugged again. “Because Nora loves me. I know she does. I simply love her more, and she has one she loves the most.”

  “Yes, but she didn’t love you enough to set you free and let you find someone who would love you most,” I argued.

  “That is not the life of a noble, Princess.”

  “It shouldn’t be. If I couldn’t give them the love they deserved, I would let them go. If I can’t give them what they give me, I don’t deserve them.”

  “I truly hope you manage it because I would think most thought the same when your age and life got in the way,” he replied after a moment. “And maybe Nora would, but I would die if I left her side. Were you not willing to accept anything Darius and Jaxon wanted if they stayed at your side because you were so hurt when you thought they left you? It is that feeling that makes me beg her never to leave me.”

  Well shit. Didn’t that just poke holes in what I was feeling. “Life is so fucked up.”

  “It is at that, and it only gets more complicated. I know her love for me is true. I know she would mourn the loss of me. Even if I found another to love me, they may never love me like you love my son or Darius. That is life, but I love Nora with all of me.”

  I nodded even if he couldn’t see it. It just sounded so damn sad that he accepted it. Then again, I had enough of my own problems without getting too invested in Sebastian’s when he was so much older. “Was there anything your mother said that helped her? Kept only a foot in with the ghosts instead of a whole leg or more?”

  “Not letting them linger, which you now know how to do,” he answered carefully. He scrubbed his hand over his head. “I’m trying to think, but it was so long ago and honestly, I couldn’t understand it since I don’t have the power. She used to spin out as you did though. I remember when I was but a boy the coven was attacked by humans who wanted to kill us monsters and instead all died.

  “There were so many though that the ghosts were ridiculous numbers and she was so overwhelmed. I remember thinking she would die, that they would eat her mind and that would be the end of my mother. I think if my father could have given her anything, it would have been a safe space from them. Jaxon said you found a room to keep them out?”

  “No, only so many can come in the room with me, but the rest I can’t feel. They’re not hitting me with their energy or feelings like normal if I’m not moving.”

  “That was a genius trick I applauded,” he praised. “I would say that more than having a room like that at your coven, see if a closet built with those materials could work for you to be completely alone as long as you’re not claustrophobic. They can’t hound you then if it’s tiny and it’s your meditating room or safe space.”

  “That’s a good idea, thanks. Anything else?”

  “Forgive yourself,” he answered after a few moments. “None of them blame you at all, just as you don’t blame them things spun so far out. Everyone tried to help, and you certainly didn’t want all of this. Forgive yourself and learn from this, realize now that you suffer with this as humans do their chemical imbalances. Instead of a prescription, you just plan things better and learn from it.”

  “That’s easier said than done,” I sighed. “I have this panic deep in my gut they will leave me now. I used to worry we might not work, which I think is normal with relationships, but now it’s a clawing panic they will leave me.”

  “Inez, that’s normal for all of us,” he chuckled bitterly. “I felt that from the moment I met Nora until she accepted my oath. We are all balls of too much worry and fears. Right, Jaxon?”

  “Yes, I have the same panic,” he admitted from the trees. “Thank you for outing me, Father.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered under my breath. I would never have asked the questions I had if I’d known Jaxon could hear.

  “They just arrived,” he told me. “With your permission, when I return home to my princess, I will discuss us possibly using the goods you’ve allowed us to trade for information. There are a few we know that have the ghost gift. If we phrase it the right way as I’m trying to gather information for future generations and not we know one now, there might be a chance for something useful.”

  “Yes, please, that would be great. I still feel so unhinged and ready to fall over the edge. It like echoes in me, that about to spiral, trapped panic.”

  “Part of that is not feeding. That’s a vampire’s natural response to needing blood as blood is life.”

  It made sense, but it was also pretty dramatic given my stomach just rumbled for food or my throat got dry if I was thirsty. Panic wasn’t really in line with that just because I needed blood.

  “Well, I’ll leave you young ones to enjoy your fun,” Sebastian said as he stood. “I believe we have the culling finished, and tonight after dinner I shall take the pelts to my coven along with Dennis and the extra eyes back to Wessex. That might also help.”

  “I would prefer you hold off until tomorrow so I know my princess is fine before I join you,” Kristof said as my four nobles came into view. “That should give us a day or two to handle things there before the ship should arrive back.”

  “You’ll be gone that long?” I asked, pulling my feet up on the ledge and wrapping my arms around my legs. I gasped as he came into the water with me, clothes on and all.

  He gently cupped my face and gave me the softest kiss. “I wish to never leave your side, My Princess, and I swear I will return with haste, but they insulted you more than you fully get not having grown up at court. I won’t allow that, and while Jacob will speak sense to those there, I will make sure they understand the wrath that will land on them if they don’t start with an apology.”

  I gave him another kiss, pulling him closer. “They so much as touch you and I will bring the aircraft carrier, the fighter jets, and the fucking destroyer and all their bombs and lay waste to them. I don’t give a fuck if they insulted me. They’re petty and it’s just words. I do care if you get hurt, and I won’t ever forgive that.”

  “I’ll make sure that’s in the message.”

  “Good, and tell Olivia as a woman who cares for her brother, I owe her a bitch slap for ordering him home like her dog, and court bull aside, I will give her it when we meet.”

  “I would pay to see it, but that’s not wise, love,” Cerdic warned.

  “Yeah, well, so is a lot we do, but nobles are not fucking action figures or pets to treat that way. I’m not having it, and I’m not letting anyone treat mine that way.” I gave another kiss to Kristof. “You should undress if you’re joining me.” I glanced over my shoulder. “All of you.”

  “Gladly,” Darius muttered, that haunted look in his eyes I didn’t like. He’d been hurt deeply by what had gone down. Not to say the others hadn’t, but… We didn’t have anyone else in the world but the family we were building, and that had started to fall apart. Kristof maybe had been alone so long it didn’t matte
r to him, but for Darius it seemed like it triggered his PTSD from losing his whole family.

  What a mess we’d created.

  Sebastian left, and they joined me. I sat on Kristof’s lap and snuggled with him since he was leaving. I told them what Sebastian had told me—about the ghosts, not the personal stuff I’d asked that Jaxon should never hear about his father—and they seemed to accept it easier than I was, and I had the damn power.

  “We’ve seen a lot of vampire powers and double edged swords, especially at court and balancing the pressures of being in charge,” Kristof explained, answering my unasked question. “There is a reason princesses don’t rule forever even if we can live that long. Especially the more powerful ones. It can eat them all alive, and it has, so we understand from that angle, not the ghosts.”

  “I feel fragile and anxious and like a total baby, not just a baby vampire this time,” I whispered, taking a chance and letting them in fully even when it wasn’t pretty. “I felt my mind unraveling, and it was harder to handle the ghosts after that gap. I think Sebastian’s right and even if it makes me feel weak, we need a better and controlled plan.”

  “We agree and have come up with an idea we think will work well and be most efficient so we can get you to your coven faster,” Jaxon said as he rubbed my back. “The plan with LA is working well. Really well. James or Trisha or whomever does a run and kills some more in the same spot for two days, and then Tyson does a smaller amount in closer to the coven to pull them all out.

  “Denver and a bit further south were hit hard because of the population and several military bases, but also NORAD was there. So that gives you some every third day, but not such overwhelming numbers. We’ll get them out of the area, and even after we’re there, we can pull them from all over North America to there and LA. From there they can do the same on other continents.”

  “Until there are no more and we won’t have to worry about the numbers and I’ll be strong enough where it won’t matter even,” I muttered, nodding. “Sounds like a solid plan. They on board?”

  “Yup.”

  “What else did I miss when I was so out of it?”

  “We’d need a map to show you, but it was all good and no one was idle,” Cerdic said, and I heard him in more than what he said. They needed this moment to settle as well.

  I turned on Kristof’s lap so I was straddling him, leaning back with my hands on his knees so he could stare how he liked. His eyes were full of heat as his gaze raked over my body with care. “Committing me to memory?”

  “Yes,” he murmured, reaching out and teasing my nipple with his fingers. “I am very, very jealous Branko has videos and pictures of you and I do not. I never thought to ask, but now I wish I had that to take with me.”

  “No because you might not come back as fast,” I grumbled, dunking back into the water to warm up again. He yanked me up so I was plastered against him, water dripping all over us.

  “Nothing will delay me returning to you,” he whispered against my lips. “Being able to look upon your smiling face might simply have me keep my temper as I remember what I can come back to soon.”

  I nibbled on his lower lip as his hands massaged my ass. “What about a promise of something fun for handling this for me? What does my lover want?” I let my fangs come out and cut my finger, his eyes filling with hope like I’d never seen before. I drew a small heart on him, nodding I meant it when he couldn’t hide the shock from me.

  “I want this when I come back to you,” he whispered. “I want a night of ease and relaxing for my princess, enjoying it with her and a promise to taste that sweet pussy of yours as my reward. I want to hear your cries of pleasure echo in the quiet night, build us a fire and make you moan in all sorts of ways and not just from the picnic I will bring for us as well.”

  “You need a down payment on that then,” I murmured, shivering at the image of enjoying that date. I glanced at Cerdic, and he gave me a wink, offering me his wrist. I bit him as I moved Kristof’s fingers in me. He got the idea and did that super fast, driving me crazy thing so I was climaxing before I even had two mouthfuls of Cerdic’s blood. “Again.”

  “Always,” Kristof promised against my lips. I took care of him too, and I felt his need for me, his desire to be near me always… And maybe his love. I wasn’t sure, and he didn’t seem to know either. That was fine. There was no rush, and I knew I mattered to him like no other could, so that was enough for me. It really was.

  I kissed his neck as we both gasped for air, wanting to feel him inside of me more than I should. Slow had been working for us, and that would change, but not yet. For now this was the right path and way to be.

  “I want inside of your body more than my next breath, but I love this closeness and feeling we’re reaching each other, and I would do nothing to risk that.”

  I smiled against his neck. “Me too. I feel the same.”

  “Good, good,” he sighed, hugging me tighter. “And what does my princess want most? Not what you should do or—think of what is at the root of this anxiety, Inez. I think you can find the answer, but you don’t want to be pushy or upset anyone. If you are upset though, we all are, as you are our princess. So we’re asking, not you demanding.”

  I nodded I heard him, closing my eyes and not pushing that anxiety away and instead following it like I did when I found items for the quest. “My period’s coming soon again, and there’s this need to bleed on my nobles at the heart of my coven. We won’t get there by then, and that’s this feeling. It’s like we’re going to miss it.” I let out a shaky breath. “I hate being a mouse in this maze.”

  “I don’t think that’s Aether this time, My Princess,” he whispered gently. “She’s backed off with the quest even, right? You’ve not felt any issues there. She knows you’re doing your best. I’ve felt the same as She can be pushy, but it’s only to help, and I would have never known you if She had not pushed me to you, and I thank Her every day for it.”

  “And we can absolutely handle that by then, love,” Cerdic pushed. “We’ve got plans for plans and more plans that will take a while. Now that we are okay and fixing what we did, we’re all on the right path.”

  “You’re so damn Zen,” I chuckled. “You’re coven and like PR mediator for sure.”

  “And me?” Kristof asked, amusement in his tone.

  “The scary fucker who eats people and helps me with the big picture.”

  “Me?” Jaxon asked.

  “Mechanical guy. You’re in charge of the five engineers of the apocalypse and make everything all run and gel together.”

  Darius cleared his throat. “Me?”

  “Not sure yet,” I teased him, frowning when I felt tension coming from him. I turned my head on Kristof’s shoulder to see him, giving Darius a sleepy smile. “You’re building our home, Darius. You’re the architect and the one who’s making it all possible.”

  “That’s you, my love,” he argued with a grin. “I will bring your vision—our collective ideas—together, but you are the heart and the one who’s making it all possible.”

  “It’s a team effort.”

  It really was, and I was happy that the whole team made the effort. I had to remember that in the future. We talked some more, and they apologized a bunch, for what originally had happened and how they’d handled it after. I did as well, and though crazy, maybe it had happened so we could have the discussions we did.

  Life wasn’t going to be easy just because we’d survived the apocalypse or found each other. There would still be misunderstandings and problems. Part of me was glad we ironed so much out on something smaller than a huge issue. Maybe this would keep us from ever having too huge of blow ups that could end relationships?

  Or so I could hope.

  We headed back for dinner, and it was going to be the first time I was in the dining hall after people had probably heard way too much of what we didn’t want them to given we were all in the same hotel. I’d made sure to change into something my nobl
es would like, and while still feeling about to crack, it was a good and strong step back from the edge.

  At least that was the mental image I had now after talking to Sebastian about having a foot in the grave. I had felt about to go over the cliff into madness, but into a deep grave actually fit better now that he’d said it.

  “They could have served a formidable princess like Olivia. Instead they’re cleaning up tissues and trying to keep a broken one together,” Dennis jeered loud enough so I would hear.

  I blinked, and three throwing knives were in his chest… And they were mine. I’d reacted faster than my brain could process and had used him as target practice. I swallowed my shock and instead smirked at him when he gave me a pained and surprised look.

  “I’m sorry your perfect Olivia isn’t powerful enough that her talents don’t rubber band back on her, but I’m building my own coven from scratch, and yet she had to wait until Mommy agreed she could just get everything handed to her. How… Easy for her.” I snickered and flipped my hair over my shoulder. “Don’t punch off his head, but you may injure him as you wish otherwise, my loves.”

  Kristof reached him first, retrieved my throwing knives, and tested their sharpness of them again before bringing them back to me cleaned off. Jaxon, Darius, and Cerdic went next.

  But then so did Branko and Eddie.

  Eddie threw the punch and spit in Dennis’s face. “That’s my friend you were talking out your ass about. Any princess who lets you speak in her ear isn’t one I’d ever respect, and Inez offers us a coven without chaining us. Sorry your princess isn’t strong enough to manage that, but ours is and we’re loyal to her, so shut your mouth and learn your place as you go back and lick Olivia’s boots.”

  “Nice,” I chuckled as he came over to me and bumped fists. “We should work out some sort of different kind of pledge that says you guys are coven and can’t be recalled like bad products or answer the whistle to come home.”

  “That’s not how it’s done,” someone from Olivia’s court argued.

  I glanced at him over my shoulder. “I’m princess, and I say it will work just like that. And I believe I told you all to shut the fuck up and I didn’t want to hear anymore of your anything. We can send you home as broken as Dennis if you’d like.”