As Andrew followed Counselor Robertson to the main doors of the small, but vibrant church, he started to feel a bit uncomfortable. Andrew looked at several happy families heading into the church, which only reminded him that he felt alone. When one boy glanced at him with a big smile, it made Andrew sad. When the boy’s father looked at him as well, Andrew almost felt as if the man could see his heart and knew that it was full of regrets.
His counselor held the door open and Andrew walked inside the church into the vestibule. Following Robertson’s lead, he touched his index finger into a holy water font and did the sign of the cross. They proceeded through a doorway and walked down an aisle past rows of pews. The church was old, but it was well maintained and clean. The pews were made from a dark wood, stained glass windows depicting various miraculous scenes from the New Testament filtered the light, and the decorations at the altar were elegant and homely. The tabernacle was off to the side and the red candle was lit. That means Jesus is here, Andrew thought as he remembered learning the significance of the red candle in religion class. When they reached an empty pew near the front of the church, they genuflected and then took a seat.
Robertson lowered the kneeler and went down on his knees to pray. Andrew looked at him briefly before deciding to do the same.
With his hands together, he wanted to pray and speak to God. But, Andrew was not sure what to say. He remembered how he used to pray at Mass, however, things were different. Andrew’s heart now felt heavy, like an invisible weight held him down. When his counselor sat back down, Andrew did as well.
Andrew decided to just follow his counselor’s lead, hoping that he would feel comfortable at some point during the Mass; although he feared that he did not belong.
The cantor soon began the entrance hymn and the priest proceeded towards the altar. Andrew did not sing along with everyone, but he noticed that his counselor did. During the first and second readings, Andrew felt distant from what was going on around him. He was like a spectator watching something that he did not feel a part of.
Suddenly, everyone in the church stood up and sang the gospel acclamation of alleluia. Andrew started to sing as well, and when he realized what he was doing, he continued anyways. When the song ended, the priest began to read the gospel.
When Andrew recognized the gospel reading, he recalled that it was the story of the prodigal son who demanded his inheritance and went off to a distant country and squandered it all away on a life of dissipation. Famine struck and threatened all the land. In dire need, the son hired himself to a farmer to tend his swine, but no one gave him food. Realizing that even his father’s hired workers were well fed, he planned to return to his father and ask for forgiveness. Upon seeing his son return to him, the father was so glad that he embraced his son and held a feast in celebration.
As everybody took their seats, Andrew was curious what the priest was going to say about the prodigal son and how this parable related to everyone.
“We have a loving and forgiving God,” the priest began gazing out at the congregation. “We might think that we have fallen too deep into sin, like the prodigal son, but God will always forgive us. It is easier to continue down the path of pleasure and sin than it is to admit that we have sinned and are in need of forgiveness.”
Andrew’s heart raced as he took in those words and realized that he was like the prodigal son. He felt lost, yet doubted that he would ever find his way to God again. He had become friends with the guys at school, and when they started to change him and pressure him into doing things that he did not feel was right, it was easier to go along with it than to stand against them.
“Sometimes we do not forgive ourselves for our sins,” the priest continued, “and rather than seek forgiveness from God, we try to hide our sins. We try to bury them in our hearts, cover them up, and lie to ourselves about what we had done. It is difficult to admit that we were wrong and that we have sinned. But, we have an all knowing, all loving God. He already knows what we have done against ourselves and against one another. He knows our faults and failings. He knows our struggles and weaknesses. He knows everything.”
A sick feeling swept over Andrew as he knew that the priest was right. God knew what he had done, He knew everything, and Andrew could never hide that from Him, no matter how hard he tried. Andrew wiped sweat off his forehead and sat uneasily as he knew God was watching him.
What is God thinking about me? Andrew lowered his eyes. He felt dirty as though he were a weed among flowers. These people here are so happy—so good. I have sinned so much. Would God ever forgive me for what I have done?
The priest looked with kind eyes at the full pews throughout the church and then raised his voice, “My brothers and sisters, we have a loving and forgiving God. When we break His commandments, when we sin against Him, we must truly humble ourselves. We must turn to God, open up our hearts and trust in Him. God loves us, and when we sin, He wants to forgive us. But, we must first admit our sins and then repent.”
As the priest slowly walked back to his chair, the silence Andrew heard around him was overshadowed by the beating of his heart. Moments past, then the priest stood and everyone began to say the Nicene Creed, and although Andrew went through the motions, everything continued in a blur.
Then, as the priest held up the Eucharist, Andrew heard him say, “At the time he was betrayed and entered willingly into his Passion, he took the bread and, giving thanks, broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying: Take this, all of you and eat of it, for this is my body, which will be given up for you.”
Andrew stared at the Eucharist then bowed his head not only in reverence, but also in deep shame. He felt unworthy of receiving it, and when everyone else stood and proceeded towards the altar, Andrew remained in the pew. He let his counselor pass by, and when he returned, they both kneeled.
God, I have sinned against you, Andrew prayed fervently. Please, forgive me. Please, give me the strength to change. I am sorry, please, help guide me. Andrew had never realized just how deep the void inside him was until this moment. God I need you. I realize now how wrong I was to doubt your existence. When my parents died, I blamed myself, but in reality, I was blaming you. Instead of turning to you, I turned my back on you, and it was only then when things truly went downhill for me. God, I don’t want the life I have been living. I need your forgiveness.
After Mass ended and the priest walked down the main aisle and to the vestibule, Andrew lingered in the pew. He waited until the priest headed to a confessional at the side of the church and a line of people began to form outside of it.
“Counselor Robertson.” Andrew felt shaky and his voice was cracking, showing just how vulnerable he felt. “I appreciate you allowing me to come with you to Mass today. If you’re not in too much of a hurry, would it be possible for me to go to confession?”
His counselor looked at him with kind eyes and motioned for him to begin walking, “Yes, Andrew. In fact, I would like to go to confession as well.”
Andrew nodded as they stepped into line. While he waited for his turn, he realized that it had been so long since his last confession that he was no longer familiar with what was to be said to the priest inside the confessional. Andrew debated whether or not he should stay in line, or push off confession for another time, when he might be more prepared. He glanced up at his counselor, who then gestured him towards the confessional. When Andrew turned around, he noticed that it was his turn. There is no backing out now, Andrew thought nervously.
With a deep breath and silent prayers, Andrew entered into the confessional and took a seat across from the priest. He looked at the priest, unsure what he should do.
The priest motioned for him to do the sign of the cross. “In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
When Andrew finished, the priest paused, then asked in a gentle, quiet voice, “How long has it been since your last confession?”
After moments of uncertainty, An
drew replied, “It has been a long time, Father, I honestly do not remember.”
The priest clasped his hands together, closed his eyes, and lowered his head. “It is okay, my son. Call to mind your sins.”
Andrew sat there uneasy and silent.
“God has brought you here,” the priest began as he leaned slightly forward in his chair, “and He is with you now. He will give you the strength to confess your sins. You can begin with the hardest ones to say, or any of them. Once you start, the rest will be easier.”
“I have listened to bad music, spoke bad words, and watched bad movies.” Andrew blurted out. He could feel his face redden. “I have had dirty thoughts about girls. I have gone along with peer pressure, and have trespassed on private property. Although I did not vandalize it with my former friends, I was the one caught. I told on them, not to be honest and to avoid telling a lie, but to get them punished too. I have fought with my sister, and have failed to be a good brother. I have caused my parents—”
Andrew hesitated and struggled on his words. “My parents were killed in a car accident, and I was the one who had distracted my dad which caused it.”
Tears formed in his eyes, and he tried to hold them back. Images of his sins blurred his vision. “I blackmailed my uncle to give me a gift that he promised me. I had stopped praying and attending Mass, and turned away from God. I am truly sorry for these sins and more, and I want to leave my past behind me. I want to be close to God again.”
The priest nodded thoughtfully and slowly opened his eyes, “God knows all of your sins, and because you are sorry for them, God absolves you of all your sins. God forgives you. It is easy to become desensitized to the harmful effects of impure music, movies, and all forms of media. God calls us to guard our eyes, ears and heart from impure things. This protects us from sinful thoughts and actions, and allows us to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. I am sorry to hear about your parents and the accident—”
Andrew bit his lip, drawing blood. “They would still be alive right now if it wasn’t for me.”
“You must not blame yourself,” the priest admonished him. “Accidents are an unfortunate part of life. We may not understand why they happen, but we must trust in God and in His plan for each and every one of us. God has always been with them, and they are now with God in Heaven. You love your parents, but just imagine how much more God loves them. Instead of being angry over the time you will never have with your parents, be thankful for the time you did. Our lives and the lives of our loved ones are just on loan from God. He created us and no one can love us like He does. God and your parents must be so happy to be in Heaven finally together again.”
Andrew paused a moment and thought about God. He imagined the creator of all life, of love, up in Heaven… and his parents up there with Him. Andrew held back tears and smiled. He thought of how beautiful it was that his parents were with God. He imagined his parents looking down from Heaven and smiling back.
“I think I might understand.” Andrew was unsure if it was directed at the priest or God.
“For your penance,” the priest smiled and looked him in the eyes, “you can say an Our Father. I would also encourage you to seek purity in all aspects of your life. Music and movies with messages against God and His people, especially women, should be avoided. Guard your eyes, your ears, and your heart in every way. If there is something in your life that comes between you and God, you should cast it away. Also, you can read the bible, pray often, and love your neighbor.”
“Yes, Father.” Andrew lifted his head and nodded seriously.
“Would you like to say the Act of Contrition?”
Andrew awkwardly replied, “I… do not remember all of the words.”
“You can say what you recall,” the priest offered. “Or, feel free to make up your own prayer of penitence in your own words.”
“God,” Andrew closed his eyes and spoke from his heart, “I have sinned against you and others. I have had impure thoughts and actions. I am sorry for my sins, and wish to live as you call me to. Amen.”
The priest smiled, “That was very good.”
He then said the words of absolution. Afterwards, they both did the sign of the cross and said, “Amen.”
“God bless you. I hope to see you next weekend.” The priest’s eyes twinkled.
“Thank you,” Andrew replied happily. Without the burden of sin, life had never seemed more beautiful.
As Andrew exited the confessional, he walked over to the nearest pew and kneeled. Bowing his head, he then prayed.
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.”
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