by Sue MacKay
Pausing when he saw ‘Kayla Johnson’ scrawled on a whiteboard attached to the wall, he shook his head. Crazy. He wasn’t interested in women other than as colleagues. He’d had his woman, loved her to bits and married her for ever. Then she’d done a number on him by leaving and taking their sons with her. At first Leanne had refused to accept they’d share raising the boys, saying his dangerous work kept him too busy to be able to take good care of them.
Winning the battle that had given him shared custody of Ryder and Callum had come at a cost. He’d never trust a woman to be a part of his life again. Certainly not while his sons were young and vulnerable, and probably even after they’d grown up and left home—perhaps sometime after they turned thirty and could fend for themselves. So why was he standing outside Kayla’s room? It wasn’t too late to leave.
‘Looks like you’ve got another visitor,’ said a woman inside the room, giving him no option but to continue his visit.
Ducking through the doorway, he stopped abruptly. Pale with dark shadows staining her upper cheeks, Kayla looked frail, unlike the fighting woman he’d found on the side of the mountain. Sitting in an awkward position, with long, dull blonde hair lying over her shoulders, she looked so uncomfortable he wanted to pick her up and carry her out into the sun that was trying to banish last night’s storm clouds.
‘Hello, Kayla. I’m Jamie.’ She might not remember him when she’d been suffering from shock and a head knock.
She stared at him. ‘I remember that steady gaze. It gave me strength to stay on top of what was happening.’ Her words were followed with a tight smile.
‘Your concussion can’t have been too bad, then.’ He’d given her strength? Something moved inside his chest. She was giving him a warmth he hadn’t known in years.
Knock it off.
He couldn’t afford to get all cosy warm. Kayla might’ve been beating around in his head for days, but that’s where it ended. Apart from this visit, that was. And the flowers in his hand. Too late to leave them outside the door. ‘These are for you,’ he said stupidly. Who else would they be for? It wasn’t as though he could walk out with them for someone else. He looked around for a vase and saw three bouquets lined up on the windowsill in glass jars.
She gasped. ‘They’re lovely. You’ve spoilt me.’
Lady, you’ve only gone and made me glad I did buy the flowers.
‘Any time.’ Huh? What was with these dumb comments? Kayla must’ve unhinged him more than he’d realised. It could be because there’d been a steady stream of call-outs over the last week and he was overtired.
‘I’ll take those and find something to put them in.’ The other woman in the room reached out for the bunch he held, her blue scrubs a giveaway to her role.
‘Jamie found me.’ Kayla watched him as she explained, a tenseness he didn’t understand filling her tired eyes. ‘He heard my feeble attempts to yell out and came across to start digging away the snow with his hands.’
‘Lucky for you.’ The nurse nodded at her patient.
‘Very.’
‘It was a good result.’ The only sort he accepted. The bad ones stayed with him too long, destroying sleep while making him go over and over what he’d done and what more he could have tried, even when there had been no chance whatsoever of saving someone from a horrific event. The worst ones also made him more protective of his boys, while at the same time had him teaching them to be strong and take on obstacles so they could become confident and capable. He had become strong and so would his sons. Strength hadn’t stopped life’s knocks but it had let him survive them.
‘What brings you here?’ Kayla slowly put aside the e-book she’d been gripping.
‘Thought I’d see how you’re coming along.’ Like he did with others after a rescue. Wasn’t that what he was doing? Not in his book, it wasn’t. He didn’t usually feel sparks in his blood when he looked at a woman’s face, or want to persist in learning more about her. All parts of his body and mind were supposed to be on lockdown around women.
Her eyes widened, obviously not missing his discomfort. ‘You were very good to me. I appreciate how you talked so I didn’t lose focus too much. I must’ve blacked out towards the end, though.’
Jamie gave in to the need to get closer and pulled up a chair and sat. ‘You did. It was probably for the best as it would’ve been very painful when we shifted you onto the stretcher once we knew you hadn’t injured your back. Your toes kept twitching every time I touched them,’ he explained hurriedly when doubt entered her expression. Being a paramedic, she’d know they shouldn’t move her without first strapping her to a board if there was any doubt about her injuries. Only problem with that theory was that it wasn’t always possible. Certainly not when someone was contorted in a snow hole.
‘Surprising they moved at all considering the fractures I received.’ She shivered.
‘Mallory filled me in on your injuries the next day when we were on a search for two little boys.’
‘She told me.’ Kayla sounded as though that was the last thing she’d wanted.
‘She shouldn’t have?’
Kayla shrugged. ‘Mallory’s convinced me to join S and R when I’m back on my feet. I did go out once before this happened. I’d like to do more, especially after all the help I received.’ She was ignoring his question, then.
‘We’re always looking for people to sign up, especially anyone with medical knowledge. I heard you’ve started working on the ambulances.’ There’d be no getting away from her. His hands tightened, loosened. Why did that not scare the living daylights out of him? He was used to turning away women who tried to get close but this was different. Kayla had sparked an interest in him, not the other way around. He shouldn’t have come. Should’ve dug out last summer’s fire prevention plans and studied them in depth, even when he already knew them almost word for word.
But there was no denying there had been something about Kayla’s tenacity and that vulnerability on the mountainside that had snared his interest and wasn’t letting up. She didn’t seem like someone who’d change her mind once she’d committed to something—or someone. His hands tightened on his thighs. Neither had Leanne in the beginning.
Forget that at your peril.
When he’d met Leanne they’d clicked instantly. Both had known what it was like to grow up feeling unloved. Her father had been harsh and demanding, nothing she did was good enough, and her mother had never stood up for her because she hadn’t been good enough either. His parents didn’t have any time for him or his five siblings. He’d asked his mother why she’d had children if she didn’t love them. ‘I was careless,’ she’d told him. Right then he’d determined never to be like his mother or father, and would find love and give so much back. Yet it had still blown up in his face.
Kayla was talking. ‘I started at the ambulance base as an advanced paramedic three weeks ago.’ Despair briefly glittered in her gaze as she stared down the bed. ‘The doctors say I’ll be out of action for up to four months.’ A tight smile crept onto her face. ‘I intend to prove them wrong. I’m aiming for three. I mightn’t be able to climb mountains or go on long searches by then, but I’ll be behind the wheel of the ambulance and helping people in need.’
Like he’d thought—strong. Resilient. And at the moment not happy with him for some inexplicable reason. ‘Go, you.’ And he’d better go before he got too caught up in trying to figure out what her problem was with him. That message can’t have got through to his brain, though, because he asked, ‘So what brought you back to Queenstown?’
Her mouth went flat. ‘It was time to come home.’
He’d gone and put his size elevens in it. ‘You grew up here?’ he asked, unable to shut up.
‘Yep.’ She stared at her hands then looked up at him. ‘Mallory, Maisie and I have been best mates from our first term at primary school in town. You probably don’t know Ma
isie. She lives in Tauranga but is thinking of coming home early next year if there’s a nursing position in the new children’s department when it opens. We’ve all been away, and now one by one we’re returning.’
The resignation in her voice finally stopped him from asking any more. She was hurting. So much for cheering her up. A change of subject was required, but he wasn’t turning the conversation onto him. Talking about his divorce was not up for grabs and nothing else came to mind so he stood up. ‘I’d better get back to the station.’ Yeah, needs must, and he needed to get away before he sank further into that troubled golden gaze. ‘It’s good you’re back in town, if not at home yet. I’ll drop by again.’
He would?
Shut up, or you’ll come up with something utterly stupid, like you’re interested in her.
‘I’ll keep in touch about S and R, and when you’re more mobile we’ll get you to a meeting.’
‘Got a trailer?’
‘You’re not feeling sorry for yourself, by any chance?’
‘Hell, yes,’ she growled. ‘I’m not used to being physically stuck like this. I suppose I could take up knitting.’
‘Make some mittens to replace the gloves you lost in the avalanche?’
‘Get out of here.’ Kayla paused, then suddenly reached for his hand, squeezed his fingers gently, sending little wake-up prickles down his spine, reminding him of that connection he’d felt—of why he’d come here in the first place.
He shouldn’t have come. Tell that to someone who’d believe him. He liked the little he knew of her, wanted more, which went against the lessons the past had taught him.
He’d been out of contact the day Ryder had been admitted to hospital with appendicitis, which had upset Leanne big time. Sure, he’d been gutted not to be there, but it had been two days of hell. As one of almost one hundred firefighters trying to halt a runaway inferno razing homes and bush like a stack of cards in the wind, he’d been focused and exhausted. They’d also lost one of their firemen in a fireball, which had taken some getting over.
Worse, Leanne had begun saying he wasn’t guaranteed to always be there for the boys and they needed constancy in their lives. Within a fortnight she’d packed up and moved to a house she’d rented, leaving him with nothing but memories and pain. And anger.
He hadn’t seen it coming, had thought they were still strong despite the arguments they’d begun having over anything and everything. Showed how trusting he’d been. But wasn’t love meant to be like that? You’d think he’d know better after his upbringing, but there was always a knot of hope inside him. Always had been. Always would be? He was here, wasn’t he? Still unsure of everything.
Kayla said, ‘Thanks for dropping by. I wondered if I’d dreamed you’d found me or if it was real.’ She stared at their joined hands and colour filled her cheeks. Jerking free, she muttered, ‘You do exist.’
So she’d thought about him too. Which, with everything else she’d had to contend with, tightened the connection. He’d ignore that. He was going solo. That wouldn’t change because he liked Kayla. ‘You were a bit woozy.’
You held onto my hand as though you never wanted to let go.
Tighter than she’d just done but equally disconcerting. Holding Kayla’s hand, feeling her slim fingers against his palm, was why he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. That link he’d felt on the mountain was back as though it refused to break. ‘Your medical mind was working, making sure we didn’t do any damage to your spine.’
‘I wondered about that.’
‘A right old nag you were.’ He forced a laugh, fighting the need to lean in and kiss her cheek. Definitely time to go. A good talking to was required to remind himself why he no longer had anything to do with women intimately, or in any other way outside his work. ‘See you again.’ He headed for the door and freedom.
‘Maybe when I’m fit and healthy, and not appearing so damned useless,’ Kayla said in a low voice.
What? Her mood was about feeling vulnerable? He turned back into the room. ‘The last thing you are is useless. There’s nothing wrong with your mind or most of your body, and your legs will be catching up as soon as possible.’ He didn’t add that while she looked wan and tired, her face was lovely and her body, what little he could see of it, was attractive. See what one good gesture got him into? Trouble.
* * *
‘You don’t know me well enough to think that.’ Annoyance filled Kayla as she watched Jamie return to sit back down beside her bed. She’d been relieved he was heading away. She’d felt awkward and helpless, which made her squirm. It was so unlike her. She was supposed to be done with feeling sorry for herself. To be scared of falling in love again in case it went horribly wrong was one thing, but she could still live with her head held high and get on with making the most of everything else.
Yet Jamie seeing her like this made her feel vulnerable and that was something she never showed, not even to Maisie or Mallory very often. Did this mean he was reaching her in ways no one had since Dylan? She’d smiled and laughed with all her visitors so far, then along comes Jamie and the cracks in that façade started appearing. She’d clung to him on the mountain and now he’d have the wrong impression of her.
Go away, Jamie. You’re worrying me. I am not ready to take chances with any man.
Not taking chances? When had she begun thinking she was even interested in him? She hadn’t. She was over-emotional at the moment. That was the problem. Not the warmth spiralling out of control in her gut.
Stretching those endless jeans-covered legs she just had to gawp at across the carpet, Jamie said, ‘As we dug you out of that snow you weren’t giving in to the cold or pain, or the fear gripping you. You’re one tough lady.’ When he decided to speak his mind, it seemed there was no stopping him.
‘You think?’ He didn’t have a clue.
Jamie’s beaming smile might’ve once made her smile in return but not these days. Not since her husband had died after falling asleep at the wheel while driving home to be with her through her second miscarriage in five months. It was too much just to let go and relax with a man who tickled her bones. Being incapacitated with nothing to do except watch endless movies on her device or work her way through the stack of books people had brought in made her yearn to do something useful. So much for returning to her home town and picking up what had once been a carefree and happy existence where she’d get amongst it on the mountains or as a paramedic and hopefully—finally—put the past behind her. Instead she’d gone and added to the sense of uselessness that had been a constant companion since losing Dylan.
Toughen up, Kayla. Be the woman Jamie says you are.
‘There is something you can do for me.’
His eyes widened, but he didn’t look at all perturbed that there might be a difficult request coming.
Her mouth split into a—a smile? She doused it. Back to normal. Smiling at men she didn’t know well suggested she was trying to get too friendly, and she wasn’t, despite the feeling of wanting Jamie to stay around. ‘Find me a new pair of legs so I can get off this blasted bed and do something useful, like drive the ambulance or go searching for some idiots who’ve ignored weather warnings to go for a short hike and ended up in the bush overnight.’
‘So you’re not an easy patient?’ His smile widened. It suited him, and created a warmth in her that expanded to where there’d been nothing but a chill for years, which was shock enough.
‘Not at all.’
Stop smiling at me.
Her plans for coming home did not include falling for a man. She’d lost her husband and baby on the same day. No way would she ever risk facing a loss like that again. Far safer to keep her heart locked down. ‘Who does enjoy lying around because they have to?’ Whenever she did manage to drag herself upright to do some laps of the room on crutches as part of her new exercise routine, the leg with the
minor break hurt like stink and the other with all its bits of metal in the form of plates and bolts never played nice, instead impaling her with pain and making her stomach ill and her brow sweat.
‘I can’t imagine you lazing around for any reason. You’re full of suppressed energy, itching to get moving. I bet you’ll be running on your crutches by the end of the week.’ Now he was laughing softly.
Damn him and his smile. ‘Of course I will,’ she snapped. This was getting ridiculous. Unfortunately she did like him. He kept getting under her skin when she knew she had to avoid that. He showed that even if she was laid up, she was still Kayla—who he didn’t even know. She knew she was more than the Kayla she’d become over the last three years, if the way she was reacting to him meant anything.
That blasted smile wouldn’t go away. Ignoring the way his mouth curved upwards and laughter filled his eyes wasn’t working. Did he know he was winding her up? It was a smile, not a hot, sexy ‘touch me let’s have fun’ hint. Was that the reason he got to her? Because he wanted nothing from her? She was always susceptible to a challenge. Damn it. How to tell him to go without sounding mean?
‘Where were you living before returning to Queenstown?’ His smile had backed off a little, but remained brilliant enough to light up the room.
Or was that her heart? Couldn’t be. It wasn’t available. Which was plain out of left field. ‘Auckland.’ She pressed her lips together at the memory of finally leaving behind the city and all the memories of Dylan that had been in the apartment they’d owned near the waterfront, in the local eateries and on the roads they’d run along side by side. If she told him, he’d leave her in peace. ‘My husband died three years ago and I finally decided it was time to leave.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. Was that Dylan?’
Her brow creased. How did he know Dylan’s name? ‘Yes.’
Jamie nodded. ‘You mentioned him on the mountain.’